IAmFCA Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 LOL - I can see the 2 of you sitting over a romantic dinner he has made you "Iceman, you, you are such a positive energy force in my life!" Oh my goodness that is something I would do. Lol. I told a date once, I really like your brain. Lololololol still get ribbed for that one. Link to comment
faraday Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Oh my goodness that is something I would do. Lol. I told a date once, I really like your brain. Lololololol still get ribbed for that one. I tell jay I like his brain lol. Is there a better compliment though? Seriously. I can't think of one. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 I tell jay I like his brain lol. Is there a better compliment though? Seriously. I can't think of one. I agree with you Faraday, but you have to admit, it's not the most romantic compliment. "Your brain is so hot, let's leave right now" - spoken in no soap opera script ever. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I don't think I wrote on here that I realized in retrospect an invitation to stay with a woman was an invitation for more than I intended. The town sells out, but I was able to get a room elsewhere. Phew! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 The neighbor upstairs is vacuuming. Seriously? Anyway... as usual not asleep. Trying again without the melatonin. I am developing a good feeling. Looking forward to Monday's dinner. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Woke up to find an interview on the radio that is directly of interest to mr. wow. There was something yesterday that I might have been shared with him, but I forgot what it was. I've never counted before, but I'm guessing this is the longest stretch with no contact, and it feels right. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Just got a text from Mr. Wow. Ignoring. It takes effort to not engage. Glad I will be with girlfriends all afternoon. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I am glad I deleted the text. Feel melancholy now that I'm home. Mom's birthday. Don't feel like calling Dad. Not sure why I'm melancholy. Lately I've been feeling ready for change. For being rid of more of the old, making way for more new. Get rid of all this stuff, except not really. Tired. If I want change, I have to be the change. It all starts with me. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Sitting outside having breakfast this morning I realized that Mr. Wow's text was expertly worded. (1) He identified that I see him differently than he sees himself, which is one way of describing why we don't work together. (2) It expressed appreciation for my comment so that no loop is left open ended. (3) The tone was warm and intimate so that he remains accessible, but the message itself does not require nor invite a response. It is, in sum, a perfect test text. I am free to let it stand as his last, or to engage as I choose. My choice answers his question, "Has she dropped contact?" which is the question he is asking by sending the text. More energy on that in the writing of it than the thinking of it. These days also include the anniversary of his mother's passing, and of the day we met. I am thoughtful of him, his father, and their family as they celebrate the gift of her and the share their experience of the loss of her physical presence. May she govern over them with warm heart and broad reach. XO _________ I woke this morning to an early good morning text from Ice. Good night texts last night as well. He is clearly ramping up for tonight's date, looking to take the physical aspect to another level. Its not going down quite the way he has imagined, and I am okay with that. We will find some mutually comfortable middle ground. So much to learn about a person. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 About the Law of Attraction When the other person sees us in a way that is different than how we see ourselves, it creates a gap between us. When we find someone who sees us the way we see us, it feels comfortable. that is why when we feel bad about ourselves, we end up in chaotic situations where we develop affection for someone who also feels bad about us. It is like how Mr Wow described new gal as someone he wouldn't mind getting rid of, which allows him to get intimate with her now. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 It almost seems sometimes like your default is to read into what Mr. W says or types, to analyze it, to make assumptions as you did above based on "laws of attraction". Certainly his comment about his girlfriend to you, his ex-girlfriend, might have simply been a throwaway line that he was feeling at the moment, or completely untrue, or true -you can't know because you're not in his life in a romantic way (and you were, so that's a big change) and he might change what he says because of the unusual context of talking about a new girlfriend to an old girlfriend. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 It almost seems sometimes like your default is to read into what Mr. W says or types, to analyze it, to make assumptions as you did above based on "laws of attraction". Certainly his comment about his girlfriend to you, his ex-girlfriend, might have simply been a throwaway line that he was feeling at the moment, or completely untrue, or true -you can't know because you're not in his life in a romantic way (and you were, so that's a big change) and he might change what he says because of the unusual context of talking about a new girlfriend to an old girlfriend. While it is possible that what Mr. Wow says is altered or was a throw away, it isn't an accurate depiction in this instance. I am confident in my understanding of him and his motivation, and his discussions with me have been both consistent and frank. There are several reasons he and his gf are a good match. One is they both are coming from a dark place, an inner anger not yet (if ever) resolved. Another is that she provides a clear set of rules and regs for him to follow, and he is using her for that purpose; someone who will govern him. It is helpful at a time when responsibility is overwhelming. A third is she is deeply wealthy; while he refuses her assistance, there remains the potential that she can provide a safety net, which he may require at least for a time. I know that hearing me characterize Mr Wow is a trigger for some; I am confident in my understanding of him. It is his life and not mine to live, anyhow, so if I am wrong, it doesn't make much difference in terms of my own choices. As has often happened in the ITIC/Mr Wow story, there are endless parallels. I watch for projection; this isn't that. My understanding is formed after we spent some 4 hours visiting about matters personal and professional. In any event, understanding him is not my focus. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Seeing traits in someone that they don't see in themselves can be a tool of intimacy avoidance and a sign of not accepting what is. Mr Wow was exactly right in that he is not who I want nor who I accept as my own. That negativity has no place in my life and every time he would say something negative it bounced off of me. I do not see it as a lasting part of him rather a part of him for now. Re wow, whatevs. Re intimacy avoidance, interesting. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I hope that understanding him or his romantic relationship with his girlfriend is not your focus -certainly seemed so from your last few posts. I think that once two people who were romantically involved have time apart and are romantically involved with other people, both have to understand that the time apart and the involvement with new people means that prior understandings about motivations/intentions/particulars about the new relationship become more and more speculative and based on guesswork. Sort of like when after you break up with someone you saw on a serious level you realize after a few weeks that now you really don't know their comings and goings on a daily basis, what he/she is doing on a weekend, etc - same goes for inner stuff- the new relationship becomes more established, things are shared with the new person, both of the people are prone to change in certain ways to accommodate the new person and relationship -and the exes understand that prior beliefs and assumptions have a more and more flimsy basis. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Date with Ice tonight. Good cook, relaxed host, no television, no microwave, nice house. Nice time. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 I slept three hours. Went to bed at 2 and woke at 5. Not terribly functional. Fake it till I make it, today. We had fun last night; his text to me this morning was I had a blast! which a really nice thing for him to say when basically, he made us dinner and then we hung out talking afterwards, no big to do. I have written before that I am obviously not ready to fall... on the other hand, I am developing a respect for him and an interest in who he is, and that is what it is all about. He was comfortable cooking with me watching. He was comfortable with me going home when I did; he would have hosted me till morning if I chose. Its a double-edged sword but at this juncture, I rather appreciate the ease with which he is letting me pace myself. He is comfortable in his own skin and not looking for validation from me. With Mr. Wow, I felt deeply safe, and I don't feel that here; I felt Mr Wow feel deeply safe with me, and I don't feel that here either. Mr Wow and I may have been each of us seeking a safe harbor and finding it in one another. Or maybe that is just how it was for us. With Ice, it feels as if we each are self-sufficient. I am enjoying that. I haven't sensed any tendency towards co dependence, and their divorce was private, uncontested, and resolved between them with pad and pen. As happened with The Gentleman - the remote man following the dramatic man. Pendulum is swinging along a shorter arc, though; I am crab walking towards my target. Having fun in any event. Going to play through, see what happens. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Given all that you've written about your ex it's an interesting/unusual definition of "safe". Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Given all that you've written about your ex it's an interesting/unusual definition of "safe". Indeed it is. Nevertheless true for us both. We felt even two Fridays ago able to speak freely without judgment, fully accepted and understood, and we would often share things with one another that we had never before thought much less said out loud. That is part of what makes the other person feel like home, again, true even two weeks ago. It is how it is. It is quite nice to be hosted by someone who is stable, etc, I get that difference and I appreciate it. A feeling of safety would grow over time, if appropriate in this instance, resulting from respect and commitment. Good things. Its a new friendship so I can't tell how the friendship will unfold. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 My office mate of many years is a fan of Ice, makes the valid point that my brain may seem under stimulated because Ice has his act together, and doesn't seem to have any baggage. I agree. Given that I am teaching myself to drive towards increasing levels of stability (you should have known me when!), I am sticking with it because I can see that it seems like exactly what I am supposed to be excited about. My instincts feel good about it as well. And he is not boring, given the history of doing extreme sports and unusual travel. I am just talking to hear myself talk. It works for where I am now and it is worth my time. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I'm listening...just not posting! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Text message #2 from Mr. Wow today. Cheerful thank you note for something I did before that he just noticed, i suppose. Deleted and ignoring. He knows I have the capacity to go dark. He knows I've never responded to the Gentleman's notes and gifts. There is no ball to bounce back and forth because I'm not playing. I accepted being drawn into his chaos. Chaos is familiar and doesn't bother me like it should. He referenced a few times an early conversation that I wouldn't accept chaos and he knew I was too loyal to leave him. I'm grateful he let me go. This is easy. I will be tested, but not yet. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Indeed it is. Nevertheless true for us both. We felt even two Fridays ago able to speak freely without judgment, fully accepted and understood, and we would often share things with one another that we had never before thought much less said out loud. That is part of what makes the other person feel like home, again, true even two weeks ago. It is how it is. It is quite nice to be hosted by someone who is stable, etc, I get that difference and I appreciate it. A feeling of safety would grow over time, if appropriate in this instance, resulting from respect and commitment. Good things. Its a new friendship so I can't tell how the friendship will unfold. Yes, it is easier to feel that way when there are no strings attached, no commitment, etc- nothing really at stake - it's whether he can be "home" to you when there are things at stake -that's the test IMO. I'm glad you are having a good time with Ice! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Yes, it is easier to feel that way when there are no strings attached, no commitment, etc- nothing really at stake - it's whether he can be "home" to you when there are things at stake -that's the test IMO. I'm glad you are having a good time with Ice! Batya, Mr wow never has felt like anything other than home, when I was attached to him and otherwise. That was I was describing. Ice does not feel like home and that's okay. I am enjoying the way he is opening up to me. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Woke up thinking of my new fella which is kind of nice Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Batya, Mr wow never has felt like anything other than home, when I was attached to him and otherwise. That was I was describing. Ice does not feel like home and that's okay. I am enjoying the way he is opening up to me. Yes, that's not what I was referring to -my point was it's far easier to feel like home with someone who is unavailable -and from the beginning of what you posted it sounds like he was never truly available for a committed relationship with you (his sweet words aside). I was just suggesting you consider how it's easier in that situation because you don't have to be as vulnerable or risk as much to feel "attached". I'm glad you're having fun with Ice! Link to comment
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