IAmFCA Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Yes, that's not what I was referring to -my point was it's far easier to feel like home with someone who is unavailable -and from the beginning of what you posted it sounds like he was never truly available for a committed relationship with you (his sweet words aside). I was just suggesting you consider how it's easier in that situation because you don't have to be as vulnerable or risk as much to feel "attached". I'm glad you're having fun with Ice! Oh, i get it. He was completely available in the fall, before I started that thread. He actually challenged my avoidance patterns by being fully welcoming and ready to build something that offered a good balance of together and apart, work and play. It changed at winter when the ex took the kids etc which happened soon after I started writing about him. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Oh, i get it. He was completely available in the fall, before I started that thread. He actually challenged my avoidance patterns by being fully welcoming and ready to build something that offered a good balance of together and apart, work and play. It changed at winter when the ex took the kids etc which happened soon after I started writing about him. Yes, I understand he seemed to be available in the beginning. Beginnings are often exciting and awe-inspiring like that - to me what's important is what happens when things settle in a bit and when head in the clouds/feet on the ground is more balance towards grounding. I don't think it has much to do with the ex in particular -many people go through life crises during relationships including new relationships and they do not react as he did towards you. I think much more of this had to do with him being in general unavailable and this crisis/situation simply enhanced that. If not that he would have chosen to behave as he did/distance himself anyway and perhaps blamed it on some other family or work situation. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Mr Wow was as vulnerable as he was to his ex wife's disruptions because it hit him at an emotional level. He had been unable, even until within the last two months, to see her behavior as abusive, he had been attached to her in the sense that they had chosen to marry one another and shared children together and could not see beyond HIS idea of what that SHOULD mean versus the reality of their relationship. Her attacks undermined his sense of order about love marriage Gog and gender, all of which undermined his understanding of himself. He commented to me a couple of weeks ago - I am starting to see that she is abusive, but then that doesn't make me feel good as a man. It is a whole twisted architecture of self-image based on external factors. His effort now with his gf is about him being able to see himself as a good bf, not about his desire to be with her, though they are obviously related. His desire not to accept assistance from her is about his view of himself and who he thinks he should be, rather than acceptance of himself as he is and understanding how much help he actually needs right now. It all stems from an inability to accept himself as he is, and when we met, he was succeeding at being who he thinks he should be and so he was not experiencing internal conflict and was comfortable sharing himself with me fully. Eventually, this all would have been challenged by something or another. Adding: he is implementing good advice he received from one of his mentors, and I expect that will help him put everything in perspective as he works through this. I won't know, but I do expect him to continue to plow through it. He knows the concepts and seems open to learning about himself and changing his idea of himself. The last 5 yards are the hardest; I don't know if he will do that part. His gf will have to leave him, I suspect, to trigger a full transformation. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 You make a lot of assumptions about his behavior and choices. I'm glad you accept the facts too though -that he is dating someone else now (the fact of it -not why he is dating her, whether he should be dating her, whether he will continue to date her in the future). My suggestion is, if you choose to move on, to focus only on the objective facts, not on your opinions or assumptions. Especially as time goes by, the opinions and assumptions (assuming they are based on facts) are more and more based on the person you used to know and people change as you do know. I would have a different view if you were forming these opinions and analyzing his behavior as his therapist or psychiatrist. I'm glad you think he is open-minded and open to changing. I hope you are similarly open minded when it comes to evaluating your assumptions and opinions about him, his choices, and his treatment of you. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Batya, I understand him. I wouldn't have brought up this analysis at all, except that when I mentioned feeling at home, you wanted to characterize it as easy under the circumstances. That to me felt like dismissing it or diminishing it, and I won't agree to that. I have been in love more than once, more than twice. I have a memory of those emotions. I know what I felt before, i know what i felt with Mr Wow. I can't say that the feeling directs the outcome, it isnt everything. It wasn't a function of having little at risk. I know that dynamic and I have dated under those circumstances. This wasn't that. Everything was on the table here. So, we don't have to characterize him, or decide whether I am making assumptions or drawing on conversations that span nearly a year of frank conversation... I will agree that I continue to learn ways in which I avoid intimacy despite my intentions otherwise. But I won't diminish what I felt. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I am in no way trying to diminish or even talk about what you felt. You feel what you feel. My comments had nothing to do with your feelings whatsoever. It did have to do with his behavior, choices, actions and his current choice to be with someone else, and your choice to be with someone else (good for you!). I'm not sure what you mean by "everything was on the table". That's a pretty broad and general description and a little curious in light of his decision not to give you his all or his everything when it came to commitment and treating you with respect when things got tough for him. Obviously I've heard the phrase used before to refer to being totally open and vulnerable. To me a person who distances himself from commitment to you and distances himself/dates other people/pursues other people when things get rough is not putting everything on the table. Doesn't make him a bad or good person - just a choice that to me falls short of "everything on the table". Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Batya, I was talking about before the craziness, as I said before... and no, I don't judge him for choosing to be with someone else. Why would I? He is on his own journey, and he is right to follow it. And I get it. My view of him and his view of him don't match. New gal accepts his darkness and puts up fences to keep him on a path. That's a better match for him than i, who sees his light and cares not a whit to control him. Being with me is scary, being with her gives him the security he needs at a time when everything else is unstable. It's his story, it really doesn't belong in my journal. My understanding of his sense of who I am and my sense of who he is reflects well more than what I describe here. I'm really not open to analyzing it because it is not where I am going. It is where I came from, and it's passed. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 I don't have much motivation to evaluate Mr wows behavior while he was going through something that was destabilizing for him. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I'm glad you want to move on from your ex and see if you can develop something with someone else, whether Ice or someone else. I agree that it doesn't matter why he is with his girlfriend and it shouldn't matter to him why it works for you to date Ice. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 It is becoming nice to think about Ice Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 It is becoming nice to think about Ice what is nice - the consistent good morning and good night texts not talking on the phone the haven nature of his house the fact that he lives in the present that we do not need to talk about work that he is who he is and he simply expects it to be so; no validation needed that i can raise my skills a couple of notches and still be in his sphere Link to comment
faraday Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 what is nice - the consistent good morning and good night texts not talking on the phone the haven nature of his house the fact that he lives in the present that we do not need to talk about work that he is who he is and he simply expects it to be so; no validation needed that i can raise my skills a couple of notches and still be in his sphere Why is his house a haven? Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 I owe you a note Faraday! Just published a project last night. His house: neutrals, sunlight, outdoor living space surrounded by trees and shrubs, TV squirreled away in a small family room. Wood floors (natural finish like honey oak), molding, built-in bookshelves. Smaller rooms consistent with 90 year-old house. Uncluttered space. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 I come home from work and am wiped out every night. Don't like this! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 So here are my thoughts 1. I have a new appreciation for my adderall, now that I am not on it. I can get maybe 6 hours out of a day. Its awful. Making lists, trying to teach myself additional coping skills. 2. Wish he planned ahead... he simply doesn't. I am not going to read into it. If he didn't want to hang out with me he wouldn't. If I end up doing something else before he holds his hand up, I will do that; chances are, I will simply be in the middle of painting and need only to get to a stopping point. 3. Yesterday's little exchange was annoying, shake it off, no change in meaning so not impactful. 4. After three weeks, it seems you have adjusted to kid-free. Keep going. Link to comment
faraday Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 So here are my thoughts 1. I have a new appreciation for my adderall, now that I am not on it. I can get maybe 6 hours out of a day. Its awful. Making lists, trying to teach myself additional coping skills. 2. Wish he planned ahead... he simply doesn't. I am not going to read into it. If he didn't want to hang out with me he wouldn't. If I end up doing something else before he holds his hand up, I will do that; chances are, I will simply be in the middle of painting and need only to get to a stopping point. 3. Yesterday's little exchange was annoying, shake it off, no change in meaning so not impactful. 4. After three weeks, it seems you have adjusted to kid-free. Keep going. I know the struggle of no drugs. Hopefully you can go back on them again soon. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 I razzed him today for not asking me out and offered and invite; he responded kindly re kids and said he would call later to plan, and he texted as he said he would. I don't know, he just seems - like a good guy. Enjoying that. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Feeling happy, a day behind but also generally good about things. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Date tonight. Looking forward to it. I might stay over. Previously I left despite being welcome to stay. (We have the ability to do that without rounding all the bases.) Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Date tonight. Looking forward to it. I might stay over. Previously I left despite being welcome to stay. (We have the ability to do that without rounding all the bases.) I typically did that in my serious relationships -sleepovers, weekends away, months before we were ready to have sex. No big deal -glad you two are comfortable with that as well. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 I typically did that in my serious relationships -sleepovers, weekends away, months before we were ready to have sex. No big deal -glad you two are comfortable with that as well. Interesting. Thank you for sharing that. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Relaxing night, no clue what is or is not compelling for him, not going to try to figure it out either. Not sure what is compelling for me, though last night I realized my last relationship with similar dynamics lasted 5 years. So there is no predicting. Nice relaxing night withat game on, glass of wine, and early out the door this morning. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Hm. Already said I was booked all weekend. Now, I have a night free. Do I mention it? Hm. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Hm. Already said I was booked all weekend. Now, I have a night free. Do I mention it? Hm. Yes. If you're at the point where you stay over ,hang out to the extent you have been , and you want to see him then of course -why not? Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Thanks Batya, I did... waiting for response. We've never been mutually available on a weekend, and it seems our custody schedules are the reason. Hoping he can make it happen. However, it also could be a convenient reason to keep me off his weekend calendar. Hard to gauge things early on. Link to comment
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