Out with the old, in with the now

[IAmFCA]

I think you see his friends as gracious and welcoming because part of you wants this type of information. One of the best ways my ex's and mine mutual friends expressed their graciousness to me was by being silent about what he was doing/how his life was going. For almost all of them I didn't even have to bring it up or ask -they just knew. If you are reading into e-mail tone or pictures that might be a good sign that you need to find a way to create more distance than you have now, so you can move on. Glimmers of light are a lovely image of course but why focus on the smoke and mirrors stuff when you have so much going for you in reality and that are not just glimmers?

 

 

 

His friends do not tall to me about what he is doing. Thought I said that?

 

A passing thought from a brain in my head that is always thinking, always.

 

I am grateful to be valued by people who knew him first and long and who might ordinarily drop connections, and to know (intuit) that I am represented well behind my back.

[Batya33]

I think if they dropped the connection it wouldn't have to do with not valuing you, just the reality that it might not be advisable to stay in touch given how you all met.

[IAmFCA]

I think if they dropped the connection it wouldn't have to do with not valuing you, just the reality that it might not be advisable to stay in touch given how you all met.

 

Agree. Extra nice to be included anyway. He sent me a text tonight at 11 btw that he saw me this afternoon... Whatevs.

 

Had a great date tonight with a possible strong candidate. Risk embracing, rule breaking, smart entrepreneur. Fun conversation, affection, he came to pick me up which I appreciate. We have a date tomorrow night as well.

 

Suggestions to go back to his place to sit out in the beautiful weather, but I declined. Danger! Not sure what he's thinking, so I need to stand my ground until I know. I am not going to ask.

[IAmFCA]

A sign I've been out, and that the adhd is taking over...

 

I could go over there, and it would be cathartic, beautiful, passionate, and not at all confusing.

[IAmFCA]

A sign I've been out, and that the adhd is taking over...

 

I could go over there, and it would be cathartic, beautiful, passionate, and not at all confusing.

 

don't worry, sweet readers, I'm staying home!!

[IAmFCA]

Last minute date last night. A planned date this evening. A text this morning saying he's hungry, I think so I could make him breakfast? Why else text me that he's hungry? That's alot of attention from an inattentive guy. Tonight is clearly about getting me home, it's gotta be. I am reminded that mr wow said something early to the effect that he didn't realize my value and at first, was managing to achieve a short term, sexual outcome only. Last week doctor said, because you will do what you want to do, people may fill in the gaps inaccurately. Learning curve here is how do I fill in the gaps. I was professional on our first meet, a barrel of laughs last night. Tonight needs to be values-driven. With that in my head, values will become my conversational theme.

[mhowe]

You are a very complex thinker.

[IAmFCA]

Yes. I use this space to dump mental energy. It's especially lot of control when I sleep less.

 

Date #2 with .... Oh what was his nickname? It was fun. I don't know, I can't tell, what he thinks. Something good enough, how good, dunno. Affectionate, engaged, engaging, observant, casual. Whip smart, and there is a lot more going on upstairs than is made apparent to me.

 

I am engaged.

 

I'll go find my list of candidates. One of them sent me a pic tonight and it was not flattering. Not sure, but I may have eliminated everyone else.

[IAmFCA]

OK, let me just take stock:

 

Using weird code:

1) the gardener = Mr. Charisma (that's tongue in cheek, oh dear) -- haven't had contact since I traveled

2) city boy = Mr. Music - haven't had contact, which was in my court

3) work world = Mr. Dimples - I forgot about him. Oops.

4) Danger! = Mr. Muscles - gone because he requested pics

 

#1 will drop off the radar, #2 will be a friend zone music buddy, which is cool with us both i think, #3 no idea but could go somewhere, #4 is wild card

 

#1, 2 and 4 are from OLD. #1 and #2 are on the shelf for a few weeks. #4 asked me to send him pics by text? huh?? I don't think so. Why would I replicate what I have already provided on line? I think that's off putting.

 

Status noted above of the four at the start of this thread. Three others have been in the mix and evaluated. A request (again) for pics eliminated one, the other lost my interest, and the third is the guy I went out with tonight.

 

This weekend, no plans with boys, but one night free if I choose to use it. I've got daytime etc events, and a desire to stay in at night unless drawn out. I want to go canoeing, which is right up my new guys alley. Still, I'm not suggesting anything till next week.

[IAmFCA]

New man's nickname= Ice

[IAmFCA]

Iceman said he would text after concluding his other plans, then asked if I wanted to do something tomorrow. Ive responded to neither.

 

Meanwhile, Mr wow and I just talked for hours. iIt wasn't planned, we just visited. That's all I have to say about that; I'm available for my future.

[IAmFCA]

Wow this is what people do when they have their weekends available to them? No work, no kids. Amazing. Mr. Wows visit, made my friend breakfast, Iceman for the afternoon, and theater tonight last minute with fam. Running tomorrow, then breakfast with old school friend, then sunshine and dinner with fam.

 

Not terribly good for the to do list, but even better for the soul.

[IAmFCA]

Re Iceman, we spent time hanging out yesterday, and I like every detail of which I know. I don't feel him, though. There's no vulnerability there. It's time for me to withdraw a smidgen and let him draw me out. He needs to step up his game.

[Batya33]

Re Iceman, we spent time hanging out yesterday, and I like every detail of which I know. I don't feel him, though. There's no vulnerability there. It's time for me to withdraw a smidgen and let him draw me out. He needs to step up his game.

 

Might be too early on for vulnerability of the type you describe.

[IAmFCA]

Might be too early on for vulnerability of the type you describe.

 

I'm glad to hear that feedback; I agree.

[IAmFCA]

It didn't help to have experienced such easy intimacy (this is not a sexual comment) as I did with Mr Wow the night before. I found it not the slightest bit frustrating to not be dating Mr Wow; he is so obviously not a good candidate to be a good boyfriend. Not now (and the future is unknown).

 

The connection with Mr Wow was as always, easy, safe, exploratory. I don't remember it ever feeling different, which is why I ended up kissing him for an hour on only our second date. By the time I visited with Ice, I had been sated by my visit with Mr Wow. The Iceman served no substantive purpose. I was open to him on a superficial level while not being trusting of him. I did not ask him many questions about himself. I just didn't feel like it.

 

Its a friendship that wants to build with someone who is well guarded. It takes a while.

[IAmFCA]

The other thought I was wanting to capture: There was a time when I wanted to be a good gf. I practiced, I fell in love, I pledged my fidelity. I noted, for decades, that I would learn something and move on. Some 5ish years ago I learned about codependency, I noted that all my relationships had this fix-it quality and I set about working to fix that.

 

Looking back, I can see that I thought I wanted bf/gf relationships, but really what I wanted was sex and companionship, the sort of relationships where you are my only one but still, use of a barrier method is advised.

 

As I gained appreciation for what I offer, I gave my fidelity less often and with more hesitation. I decided I was willing to give up sex in exchange for having control over my choices. I realized how committed I am when I commit, so I had better not do that lightly. This understanding is tied to self esteem.

 

These are old thoughts. Working this idea out so I can articulate the evolution in a way that is different than the easy way people say it - you have to love yourself, before you can love someone else.

[Batya33]

It seems pretty simple to me -it's easier to feel intimate with someone who is unavailable as Mr. Wow was and is -no real risk of commitment, long term, forever- a bit more daunting (understatement?) to get to know someone who is available.

[IAmFCA]

It seems pretty simple to me -it's easier to feel intimate with someone who is unavailable as Mr. Wow was and is -no real risk of commitment, long term, forever- a bit more daunting (understatement?) to get to know someone who is available.

 

Yes I'm familiar with that dynamic. Since we have always felt deeply connected, Mr wow and I can not be together, because he is afraid of intimacy. He is comfortable with his new gal because she is emotionally remote. The responsibility doesn't worry him.

 

His issue. Btdt for me.

 

Iceman sent fun text this morning,which is a simple thing to, but I appreciate it.

[Batya33]

Yes I'm familiar with that dynamic. Since we have always felt deeply connected, Mr wow and I can not be together, because he is afraid of intimacy. He is comfortable with his new gal because she is emotionally remote. The responsibility doesn't worry him.

 

His issue. Btdt for me.

 

Iceman sent fun text this morning,which is a simple thing to, but I appreciate it.

 

I'm glad he has met someone he feels comfortable with so that you can move on more easily and that you are meeting other people. Feeling deeply connected is a great feeling. I hope you choose to interact with people where that feeling translates into the action of behaving in a connected way and and in a mutually respectful/caring way whether platonic friendship or otherwise.

[IAmFCA]

Iceman asked me for tonight, but asked me today. I felt like being home, and I wish for more effort. I declined. It wasn't compelling enough to choose his company over my own.

[Batya33]

He will get the message that he needs to ask you out in advance.

[IAmFCA]

He will get the message that he needs to ask you out in advance.

 

Thank you for that confidence.

 

I need a minute anyway. My brother misses Mr wow. Talked to be about it yesterday. He started out ready to hear about iceman, but ended up talking about Mr wow because he felt so right. I know I can say, let's not talk about it; it isn't that. It's more like, we're in this together, and so now I have to help him see that we have to let him go. Meanwhile, Mr wow was texting last night about poetry. I texted a lasting observation so that it will stand on its own in my absence. After our visit Friday night, I was fine. But now, its too familiar. He was in my head while I was sleeping. I posted on NC this morning.

 

I'm fine, or isn't pain or anything, it's just a temptation to invest where I shouldn't. It's like going on a diet.

[Batya33]

Yes it is about self-restraint for the greater good. I wish your brother would have shared his feelings with someone else unless you've told him that you can move forward despite hearing how much he misses your ex. I don't think you have to help him see anything -he's an adult and you can simply explain that that relationship is over, you are moving on, and hopefully once he knows those simple facts he will look out for your best interests and filter out communicating his feelings to you -maybe in a year or more it might not be an issue in the least. Or perhaps you stop sharing with him about who you are dating, for now, so that it doesn't encourage him to talk about your ex.

[IAmFCA]

Yes it is about self-restraint for the greater good. I wish your brother would have shared his feelings with someone else unless you've told him that you can move forward despite hearing how much he misses your ex. I don't think you have to help him see anything -he's an adult and you can simply explain that that relationship is over, you are moving on, and hopefully once he knows those simple facts he will look out for your best interests and filter out communicating his feelings to you -maybe in a year or more it might not be an issue in the least. Or perhaps you stop sharing with him about who you are dating, for now, so that it doesn't encourage him to talk about your ex.

 

All good thoughts. My brother and I go out with each other with some frequency. I think he will let this one lie for now. I encouraged him to reach out to Mr Wow on his own, warned him that Mr Wow is likely to not respond. As my friend said, sardonically, Are they able to schedule a play date on their own without any women doing the scheduling for them? I said, Doubtful. Not my problem.

 

It is remarkable how parallel to my own is Mr Wow's recovery process, ever more evident as it unfolds. I am determined to be off campus while he is in school, so to speak. Thank you Batya for your encouragement.