Out with the old, in with the now

[notalady]

Good to hear it went well!!! Hope you recovery quickly!

[IAmFCA]

Thank you Batya and NAL. So far so good.

[WithLove]

So glad to hear it went well!! Your not boyfriend was very kind to accompany you, but if you're starting to see other people, I think it might be wise to start distancing yourself from him.

[IAmFCA]

So glad to hear it went well!! Your not boyfriend was very kind to accompany you, but if you're starting to see other people, I think it might be wise to start distancing yourself from him.

 

Yes, agreed. We discussed that before my surgery, and as he insisted on being there that day, he argued that if I was going to drop contact, that I wait till after surgery. So now it's up to me, and I will likely fade out.

[IAmFCA]

My first shower since op. My first removal of the big bandage, and my first look at the bandage underneath.

 

I am so happy.

 

Whatever I do now is mine. No Damocles sword hanging over me, and no inner voice saying, You really should look after that. I did it. I took care of myself, and I have both the health and the scar to prove it.

 

Is that a metaphor? You dam right it is. Couldn't be happier.

[WithLove]

My first shower since op. My first removal of the big bandage, and my first look at the bandage underneath.

 

I am so happy.

 

Whatever I do now is mine. No Damocles sword hanging over me, and no inner voice saying, You really should look after that. I did it. I took care of myself, and I have both the health and the scar to prove it.

 

Is that a metaphor? You dam right it is. Couldn't be happier.

 

This made me incredibly happy. I'm so pleased that you're pleased. I'm so proud of you for taking care of yourself. Aren't the results of looking after your own health so worth it?

 

You go, girl!!!

[IAmFCA]

This made me incredibly happy. I'm so pleased that you're pleased. I'm so proud of you for taking care of yourself. Aren't the results of looking after your own health so worth it?

 

You go, girl!!!

 

THANK YOU!!!

 

I think I am moving that quote to add to my signature.

[IAmFCA]

Update

 

To recap, i popped back on line, still with me profile hidden. "Liked" a portfolio of men, messaged with a few who initiated messages to me. One in particular stood out to me, and he asked me out. We met tonight. Had a great date. I asked him out for Saturday, because I have ballet tickets again. He said tentative yes.

 

Some dynamics of which I am aware: the Wow fellow of my other thread knows the woman who has seats beyond mine; they are neighbors. This is of no consequence unless happenstance becomes unusually ironic. This other fellow, his exGF, my wingman, and the date of this evening all frequent the same bar. This could be of some consequence, and I would never know. Basically, I think I should avoid that bar like the plague and fortunately it is out of my way for most things. My wingman doesn't recognize him, my guys ex likely would. She is a loose canon. Does it matter? No, but I like to keep things clean and that's a little sloppy, so I'm hoping nothing overlaps. All he has to do is say he went to/ is going to a ballet and my guy or his ex would listen in for details. So, I'm hoping that doesn't happen....

 

A good date. A hug goodbye, fun conversation.

[IAmFCA]

I have no idea what I wrote after my two glasses of cava and already half on my way to sleep... Meh too much.

 

So... About to go for pathology results, which is to say I am picking up the fellow who is accompanying me. I am in dress, Jimmy Choos. Forgot a jacket. Its just all weird. But I've got three more meetings today after this one, mostly fun work combinations.

 

I am in that place where I still think I want him but also I don't. There will be no ambiguity when it's right, so it's wrong. Going to have a cup of coffee in a minute and a meditation on out with the old, in with the now.

 

I can feel that I am living my life with ever-increasing sense of ownership. I still run into sexism all over the place. Men want to be better, which for them means they want to make more than I do, provide for me... There are so many ways I would like to be provided for. Whoever taught men to think of themselves in such flat terms did them a disservice. We need a male revolution.

[mhowe]

Word. It has been an issue in my relationship. Someone once told me to be less successful. I laughed. If you are threatened by my success, then you aren't the right partner for me.

 

My guy dug deep after a conversation where I told him I didn't need financial support and the emotional and physical realms were where his strength lay...and he accepted that premise and now shines brighter in those areas.

[faraday]

Word. It has been an issue in my relationship. Someone once told me to be less successful. I laughed. If you are threatened by my success, then you aren't the right partner for me.

 

My guy dug deep after a conversation where I told him I didn't need financial support and the emotional and physical realms were where his strength lay...and he accepted that premise and now shines brighter in those areas.

 

Good man.

 

 

 

Sometimes I wonder what will happen if...when...my art does big things. Jay always says he'd let me be the sugar momma and we could travel the world together, kids in tow, and I could paint all the beautiful things we see. But he doesn't believe it will happen. I believe it will sometimes. I guess it's not tangible, so do t worry about it?

 

The right guy will admire your success ITIC. He'll be proud of you. And wrap a blanket of love and support around you where you need it, and let you stand on your own in the things you excel in.

[mhowe]

^^^^Amen to that sister.

[IAmFCA]

Good man.

 

Sometimes I wonder what will happen if...when...my art does big things. Jay always says he'd let me be the sugar momma and we could travel the world together, kids in tow, and I could paint all the beautiful things we see. But he doesn't believe it will happen. I believe it will sometimes. I guess it's not tangible, so do t worry about it?

 

The right guy will admire your success ITIC. He'll be proud of you. And wrap a blanket of love and support around you where you need it, and let you stand on your own in the things you excel in.

 

 

Ladies,

 

Maybe I didn't sleep enough after my date. Or maybe y'all are just all that. I am having a moment.

 

MHowe, I love how you helped your man understand his value. You phrased it in a way that was concrete (Like I would have done, obviously lolol), and that helped him latch on to the idea. I am sure I will use that explanation in the future. Certainly, I hold dear to the idea that love makes us bigger better stronger. Any friend, romantic or otherwise, who wants me to be smaller - that is not a friend who loves me. I have let a few of them go over the years for exactly that reason, including one who kept preaching to me that my long hours were working for "the man", and I shouldn't give myself away like that. Uh, okay. Another who said when I am done screwing up my kids she will be there to counsel them. !!!! My children earn superlative compliments from people who hardly know me but who see them in their settings at school and on the field. My kids are the most responsible people in my entire family tree, save for one nephew and one niece. And they are kids, not small editions of adults.

 

The date of last night... He was tossed out his house after high school graduation with one month's notice, no plan, no support. He made his way from there. Their intent was to teach him to become a good provider. His sister was fully funded the whole way through. Grrr. Whichever way you want to raise your kids, there is no excuse for this kind of gender divide.

 

In my own family I was never expected to support myself. My path to here has been loopy and messy and unpredictable. Whatevs. I am glad to be me, to have made me.

 

Oops I am ranting.

 

The right guy will admire your success ITIC. He'll be proud of you. And wrap a blanket of love and support around you where you need it, and let you stand on your own in the things you excel in.

 

This hit me like one of those hugs that makes a person cry. This is who my guy was. What the hell happened to him, I don't know. Whatever. NOW NOW NOW is what I've got.

 

I must be something to this fellow because he is accompanying me today for 15 minutes, between other meetings that already were set - given that this appointment was moved just yesterday to today. What is he to me though? I am practicing accepting him in as is condition AND acknowledging that he is not for me (still working that out; its superficial for now.)

 

My date last night... We had a fantastic time, more of a great date for dating's sake. Stories and laughter for a few hours, a hug goodbye, a sweet text confirming I am home safe (something I hated in my 20s but have come to appreciate). Is it awful that it felt good to jump in the pool, attract my #1 candidate who "replies selectively" and have a great date? (Aside, I think I spotted this same man at the beach twenty years ago and was curious. Funny.) After the ballet, if he goes, we will know whether there is a date #3, I sort of think, not.

 

Faraday, your man will support you when your art becomes every city's necessary installation from Rome to Reykjavik. It may take him a minute to adjust. You will be a good partner at backing off while he finds his self esteem again and sees that money never was relevant. I've no worries on your behalf on this point.

 

Thank you ladies for having my back!

[faraday]

. You're doing good.

 

One day at a time

[chickadeedee]

>>I am in that place where I still think I want him but also I don't.

 

That's normal... feelings and attachments don't evaporate overnight unless you're a sociopath or a narcissist!

[IAmFCA]

Thanks again.

 

Just had appointment and dropped him off at his next meeting after... He was prepared to look away, give me privacy, which I didn't want or need but appreciated. He had a lot of news, exW has just been diagnosed with stage 1,100% recovery, but double mastectomy necessary. She says she will ask court to drop everything and will advise states attorney that she won't testify. Potential that he will have kids for an extended period starting in just a few weeks. What a great break for him that would be.

 

I promised to call him after I get pathology results this afternoon.

 

And so I will. Will have script in my head so I can give him the news whatever it is (good I presume), thank him for being supportive, and then say one of those classic lines lines like, well I'll let you get back to your evening... Let him say thank you for telling me the results... Then we will both say goodbye at the same time, feel awkward and hang up.

 

Then I do whatever it is I am doing next.

 

Doctor cleared me to run this weekend!!!

[mhowe]

Great news --- all around. On to NOW>

[Batya33]

Good luck with the pathology results and I am sorry to hear his ex wife is ill. Also obviously hard on her children too.

[IAmFCA]

Thank you. I'm hopeful the exWs diagnosis helps her find a new sense of balance. While I wish good health for all and cancer on noone, if the diagnosis holds, she will recover and the family will find a friendlier way of interacting. Recently, she requested that her mother leave the property amd stay away... A greater sense of peace/perspective would be a worthwhile gift.

 

With respect to our communication... I've no results to communicate, so I'll not communicate unless asked. Once that information exchange happens, I intend to fade away. He will declare himself, or he won't, and I will deal with it then.

[IAmFCA]

Good luck with the pathology results and I am sorry to hear his ex wife is ill. Also obviously hard on her children too.

 

This is pure kindness, which is lovely. Thank you.

[Batya33]

This is pure kindness, which is lovely. Thank you.

 

I just see it as balanced - there's a way of looking at it from his perspective (and would have been yours had you still been dating him) but cancer is cancer.

[IAmFCA]

I just see it as balanced - there's a way of looking at it from his perspective (and would have been yours had you still been dating him) but cancer is cancer.

 

Neither one of us wishes cancer on her! And hard on their kIds (not just her kids...) but it will be easier for everyone including the kids if she is able to maintain the cooperative tone she struck last night. Assuming her recovery unfolds as expected, being a cooperative parent will have a longer impact than the next three months of surgery and recovery will. Scarier for the children is that she insists explicitly that she will continue to smoke, so from their eyes their mother's health is unreliable. Too much on this topic, but yes, a trying time for everyone while also a time that may lead to a detente.

 

What this has to do with me? Nothing. Indirectly, it allows me to confirm in my secret self that he isn't interested, as he may be done with all the battles shortly, engrossed in family time, and still not interested as he was before. In theory, this is not an open question, but in my vulnerable inside self, of course it still seems like an unknown. Seeing him feel a relief of pressure and still not include me in his play time... The sooner I see that, the sooner I will force myself to put a fork in it not just on the surface but all the way through.

[Batya33]

Oh I know you do not wish cancer on her and I am sorry she is still smoking.

 

It sounds like you always questioned whether he was available for a committed (meaning exclusive, monogamous) relationship or at least made excuses for him or explanations to justify why he might not resist temptation from other women. At some points you seemed comfortable with keeping options open and I understand now he seems to be closing the door on even casual dating but it might help you to see this not as a huge change from how he was -perhaps just more honest and clear.

 

I don't think he's likely to commit unless he finds a younger woman who wants to have a child with him.

[IAmFCA]

Oh I know you do not wish cancer on her and I am sorry she is still smoking.

 

It doesn't sound like his actions were ever consistent with wanting a committed relationship with you -you seemed to have regular doubts about whether he would choose to be loyal to your or faithful (despite making excuses for him and that he had a different interpretation of loyalty, commitment, etc) and you seemed to check up on him or want to check up on him fairly often. (Of course he might not want a committed relationship with anyone). I understand that now it feels more final and that is a good thing -gives you far more motivation to move on!

 

 

I've thought about that. I can't make a final judgment about it. I knew when I was no longer on an urgent path to meet an out of state sibling, the only one I've not met. A trip he envisioned down to the restaurant. For all I know, he'll be engaged by September.

 

It was easy to go on a date last night, moving on is easy, in the sense that most experiences don't touch that same sort of intimacy. I am reminded of my friend who dated for 5 years in between breaking up and reconciling with her now husband. The two of them remained in no contact except holidays when we all gathered as a group. Their sense of intimacy never left them. He wasn't ready till he went down his own path. He figured it out, declared himself, and he courted her afresh. It could be similar here (I'll be 55 by then. Lots of time for moving on!)

 

Or not.

 

Living in the now makes that paragraph irrelevant. He is still in my now, on the fringes. Goodness he was in the exam room with me today... I am not at tomorrow yet.

[IAmFCA]

Oh I know you do not wish cancer on her and I am sorry she is still smoking.

 

It sounds like you always questioned whether he was available for a committed (meaning exclusive, monogamous) relationship or at least made excuses for him or explanations to justify why he might not resist temptation from other women. At some points you seemed comfortable with keeping options open and I understand now he seems to be closing the door on even casual dating but it might help you to see this not as a huge change from how he was -perhaps just more honest and clear.

 

I don't think he's likely to commit unless he finds a younger woman who wants to have a child with him.

 

I closed the door on casual dating actually... And since this morning he's been conversational with texting, asking just now permission to call in a few. Sometimes I respond, sometimes I don't.

 

I was ticked off that he would let me go. If he had never felt like he wanted to pursue something more serious, I'd have never felt demoted.

 

Re the kid thing, I don't know. He's been all over the map. That's the issue.

 

These are all his issues to resolve. If he presents himself to me, I will listen. I do not expect such an event to occur.