Jump to content

Open Club  ·  101 members  ·  Free

Journals

Out with the old, in with the now


IAmFCA

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 5.2k
  • Created
  • Last Reply
Glad things are going well Would you consider posting a pic of the reno? (You know how much I'm into home decor lol- the curiosity is killing me! What tile did you go with????)

 

Aww thank you Faraday.

 

Both of yesterday's dates sent friendly texts today. Not like It was fun! but more, continuing a thread we started about food or music. That is about my speed.

 

I would post the reno pic if I knew how.... I have never figured that out.

Link to comment

Part of the NOW is learning to give acts of service for people. Or, maybe, finding my natural way of being a better friend. Long term goal is to structure more time for friendship into my daily living. Maybe I can make that a short term goal, but right now, said that way, it is completely intimidating. With my shoes dresses, winter clothes and laundry bin still in the living room, three days of work to do, and a calendar to manage, I read just that list and feel immediate physical signs of anxiety.

 

Its like, all of the last decade has been recovery. Which it has been! Wow! I started French class 10 and a half years ago .That was my first step out of my oppressive marriage. And so here I am, a decade later, piling one block on top of another, but with my career where I want it to be, my kids still in the school for which I strive on their behalf, and my housing and children secure. I am learning the skill of being in control, something I lost in that decade of being characterized all kinds of ways. I am learning I am beautiful. I am learning I am powerful. I am learning I am graceful. I am learning to give.

 

Just a few years ago, I didn't know if I would have a home for us to live in, but I pulled that transition off without interruption, and as if I were following my children's wishes.

 

Gosh dang, I earned this NOW.

 

For today: I wrote my friend on fb... I normally would have let it go. Already it took me two days to do it. I wrote my friend about breakfast. Those are easy 2 minute exercises that represent more energy in my brain than the time suggests. I will keep practicing.

 

NOW seems to mean a lot of prep... What is NOW? OK, in this moment

 

- the weather

- the book

- anticipation of the pool water on my skin

 

everything else became anticipation. I need to practice Be Here Now.

 

okay, well then I had better read these next few chapters.

 

lol maybe I should take my meds every day. I say that all the time. I probably really should listen to myself.

Link to comment

Camp packing done as far as I can take it. It's all on the list, I know what I need to buy. Seems ill be doing shorts and ts after our trip, but that's okay. I can handle that.

 

Two kids 2 months.

 

So much anxiety today!

 

One big job done. Take a breath. Ahhhh.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

OK, let me just take stock:

 

Using weird code:

1) the gardener = Mr. Charisma (that's tongue in cheek, oh dear)

2) city boy = Mr. Music

3) work world = Mr. Dimples

4) Danger! = Mr. Muscles

 

#1 will drop off the radar, #2 will be a friend zone music buddy, which is cool with us both i think, #3 no idea but could go somewhere, #4 is wild card

 

#1, 2 and 4 are from OLD. #1 and #2 are on the shelf for a few weeks. #4 asked me to send him pics by text? huh?? I don't think so. Why would I replicate what I have already provided on line? I think that's off putting.

 

Mr Wow and I are in a good place, I am not going back to that old thread. If I want to talk about him, he gets to be part of my daily mix. I did him a solid yesterday and today, meaningful in terms of $$; he texted my praises, I did same. Exchanged quick bits re danger of picking an SO during a difficult time; he agreed, "I'm not picking." All is right with the world.

 

Am feeling really freaking happy. Just because, I think I came through something and now, I am better than before. Just feel... good.

Link to comment

Forgive me, readers of my journal, for infecting you with this base thought, both in tone and in content.

 

This is a whine about the quality of physical experience that is now in my rear-view mirror. I remain - am even more so - interested in the 4 for 4 dating partner, someone whose physical attributes are as appealing as his intellectual, spiritual and charismatic attributes. The quad-fecta is my brass ring, my needle in a haystack. I was remembering The Gentleman, with his six pack abs but predictable and narrow minded approach as to how he employ them. That just won't do.

 

With the experience just passed, I have a greater sense of self-worth and a greater appreciation for whom it is I can attract and retain. It is important that I keep my eye on my goals and believe in them. So, yes, it will be awhile before I share my gifts in an intimate way. Best approach while I am in pursuit of a traditional LTR. And if now is not my time to pursue it, it doesn't mean I pursue less, it just means I pursue other activities.

 

Giving up an experience that both parties acknowledged was better than their prior best is rather... anticlimactic. Well, yes indeed, that is the word, isn't it.

 

Whine.

Link to comment

WHINE #2

 

Not only have I no sex life, I've also not much likelihood of having a comparable sex life anytime soon AND I met this guy after how many years? Arrrrghhhhhh.

 

Of course, I am me, I am a better me than I have ever been. It is not going to take another 50 years.

 

WHIIINNNeeeee

 

 

And, the truth is, I am rather grateful for the outcome. Intuitively, I knew he wasn't ready, its why I asked him on our second date how long he had been divorced. But then, indeed he was so very present through the fall.

 

His ex wife gutted him. He is recovering, he is better than over the winter. This is the test that will break him or make him unstoppable, and I don't know which it is, really. To be honest, I think I do, but I also think it will be messy and difficult; its as hard as it needs to be and for him, that is quite hard. Funny, I haven't decided if I want our lives to weave together or not, a few years from now. I say Funny because it is a completely irrelevant thing to think about, and really is just me escaping from my current moment.

 

After tomorrow, vacation. YAY!

Link to comment

Ahh, vacation. Lol. Won a new deal. Going to work a bit, but still feels like an easy day.

 

Had dinner last night with my friend's ex. My friend killed it needlessly, and is still telling him they will grow old together. I'm like, yup, btdt. It was great to see him, felt good to solidify that connection. He drove two hours to meet us! Was my gateway to vaca.

Link to comment

Fun happy texts from Mr W and a message from someone 15 years my junior to which I responded. I usually leave the young ones with no response at all and delete. This seemed to be an interesting wander.

 

Been thinking about - i am afraid to write this here - bringing Mr W on a trip in August, allowing my work to see continuity from year to year, him to have a free vaca, and the rest can fall where it may. Trust me, I've not voiced this idea to anyone. Writing it here just because I can. Its not emotional and that is the problem. By making it not emotional, it undervalues the thing. In a simple world it is a good idea. //

Link to comment
And dating someone younger is fun...I had some great sex with a pumpkin a few years ago. Beautiful man...I loved his 6 pack and dimples. I got to teach him lots...and that was satisfying!

 

Haha, damn I knew I should've taken up that proposition from a cute 19 year old on OKC last year! Though I suspect he's actually younger than that...

Link to comment

You ladies rock.

 

This trip I am on has no men associated with it in any form, except for the gay man who joined us for dinner last night and my male friend who married my female friend twenty years ago... and the men in my office with whom I have been meeting etc this week.

 

The trip I was meandering about would be in August, and no I don't think it would have anything to do with reconciliation. More, a break for each of us. He likes it that destination, its a corporate event and he knows my boss, my company. They associate us as being together.

 

Its a fantasy; he can't commit to anything now until court is resolved. I am not bringing it up any time soon. If we see each other in the next couple of weeks, I will bring it up then, maybe. Or not. I suspect its better if I hold back.

Link to comment

Oh, and re the younger man? lol, I am keeping him in the game.

 

I wrote and posted and immediately had this diabolical thought... that's gotta up my street cred for my of- age fellows, I suppose, if they were to know? Of course Mr W comes to mind. Diabolical.

Link to comment

I ignored Mr Muscles because he had asked for pics. He just wrote in, asking me to give him a chance. Hmm. Maybe. I will wait a while to discern. How does anyone know who has manners and who has character, in OLD? It simply takes FOREVER.

 

My Mr W has a huge day in court tomorrow. I've sent him a well wishes text now, to get it out and put it away.

 

Heard from a new feller. Seems nice enough but disclosed very little. OLD is annoying.

Link to comment

OLD can be frustrating. My recent return to the OLD websites found it quite depressing, there are very very few eligible candidates and a lot of the same people that I either talked to and/or wrote off are still there with not many new ones. I'll be venturing outside of OLD to speed dating and meetup groups.

 

How long do you talk to people on OLD before meeting them?

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...