Out with the old, in with the now

[IAmFCA]

Well, the Ice melted. That was fast! No good night text, no good morning text. We volleyed one and one yesterday, with my text being the last hit over the net. In it I said maybe we can play on Saturday. Crickets.

 

I'm staying off the OLD site for a little while anyhow, given that at one point it said I had already reviewed all of the candidates who satisfied my filter requirements. I live in a big city, so I think that's funny. I don't much care, I rather expect to not want more men that I do want.

[Batya33]

Maybe something else is going on here.

[IAmFCA]

Maybe something else is going on here.

 

Ya, maybe. I was getting mixed instincts anyway, so my expectations are done is done.

[IAmFCA]

Ice checked in. Could be breadcrumbs, can't tell. He responded that he may have family obligation and would know in the morning. Perfect for me to lay low and let him come up with an alternative.

[IAmFCA]

I'm just hanging out. Not getting stuff done. I have no intensity these days. No extra special drive. It's weird. It's like I'm normal. I don't like it. I'm still distractable, but without intensity. Weird.

 

And you know what's weird? I don't miss my kids. I mean, I miss them, yes, but I don't. I am sitting here, watching a movie. Why am I doing that? It's so normal. It's not my normal.

 

Ice had a kid thing today and maybe a kid thing on Saturday. I'm not reaching out to him first, he is reaching out to me. It's good that way, it's all he has to show me so I am not taking that away. I'll just wait till next. Maybe I'll get a morning textra tomorrow.

 

Excited to see kiddies friday!!!

[mhowe]

You confuse me. I think it is the on/off switch on like a tri-level of 3d chess.

 

I don't envy you your brain. I have enough trouble living in the world with mine.

[IAmFCA]

You confuse me. I think it is the on/off switch on like a tri-level of 3d chess.

 

I don't envy you your brain. I have enough trouble living in the world with mine.

 

I appreciate your comment MHowe. I had a rough meeting this week, questions from all sides. It's fine, I'll get my business objective accomplished. In the meeting though, I was all thumbs. I was there with a catchers mitt, and instead I needed to take control and redirect the table. Doc told me today Of course. Your brain was pinging around with all the stimuli and nowhere to land. So now, I am thinking how to make my own way of managing that situation. Crazy brain.

 

Ice told me all about his sibs. I don't remember any of it. At the time, I was listening for emotional content. He passed the test, so I retained no detail. Frustrating!

[mhowe]

I think about the world and life in my own way. Few understand.

I joke that if I had a trimaron flashing my thoughts, I might have been locked up years ago.

Luckily, my social sensor is on guard 95% of the time and no one hears what I think.

 

If I were you with your challenges, I suspect the deep end and I would have met years ago.

Kudos to you for hearing your voices and matching your partners...

[IAmFCA]

Thanks MHowe.

 

Got a morning text. Glad to have him keep the connection going. I need time with this one to know if I want him or no, and am glad to still have him in portfolio.

[IAmFCA]

Ready to go fishing again, but will look in a different pond to better chances of having two fish instead of losing the hook on while he watches me catch another.

[IAmFCA]

Admitting to the frustration of not being swooned over. I would like to be courted.

 

Voice is remaining in the background. Foreground is all action: he's not doing it for us, go get what you want. It's annoying though. It's like a dang second job. Except, I can quit and resume whenever i like.

[IAmFCA]

Been reading entp v. Intj. It's a slow burn thing, and an intellectual thing. Instincts support that. Opportunity to learn to show my smarts and engage without needing validation, because I am doing what I want to do so validation isn't necessary. Helpful for me to find a purpose, it's how I make use of my efforts.

 

I'm ready for that level of growth, it fits info my career planning.

[IAmFCA]

I'm a lucky gal. I dip my toe back in the water and come up with two new candidates. Too sleepy today to do anything about it but grateful.

[IAmFCA]

Hello please remember to take melatonin. Every night.

 

You lost a whole day today. No errands. No sunshine. No exercise. No party. Plus, now I'm moody, just want to hibernate. Hearing that he is grinning from ear to ear in pictures on fb didn't help. But, normally wouldn't have mattered.

 

Sleeping thtee hours just doesn't cut it.

[Sportster2005]

Been reading entp v. Intj. It's a slow burn thing, and an intellectual thing.

 

I'm ready for that level of growth, it fits info my career planning.

 

One of the biggest mistakes I think people make in dating and finding love is thinking. No personality analysis, IQ test, or psychoanalysis will bring you closer to love. Love can't be explained, it can't be rationed with or negotiated with. You don't make a plan and hunt it down. You go about your life open to new experiences. New ways of seeing the world. Improving and learning. Sucking every last drop of life you can on our short visit here.

 

Throw away relationship coaches. Delete the online account. Never stay indoors. Stop thinking, start living. Love the sunrise. Love the hot summer nights. Love the wind in your hair on a motorcycle. Seek fun and adventure. Love laughter. Hunt for life not love, and love will find you. In the mean time you won't miss it. You'll be too busy planning the next adventure in your life.

 

Seems to work for me lately. I tried so hard a long time ago to learn everything I could about people, behavior and dating/relationships. I can BS with the best of them now. But it hasn't drawn me one iota closer. The only time I've met someone that made my heart want to explode was when I was doing something I loved. The reason I came here was in 2011. My girlfriend left me. I was heartbroken. Whatever. I met her at an outdoor concert I was photographing. It was Steve Page of BNL fame. We met doing something we were passionate about.

 

I met a woman in 2013. At a running clinic. We ran, and ran and ran. There's a thread someone in here about her. Long story. I'm crazy about her. Can't have her.

 

We think, and we think and we think. We get nothing for that effort. We live we laugh, we enjoy. Love finds us.

 

Sorry if rambled on your thread ITIC I think this is an epiphany I've had recently.

[Batya33]

"Love can't be explained, it can't be rationed with or negotiated with."

 

The feeling cannot, the actions of love definitely can be, and a long term relationship isn't just about love -love is essential but not the only thing so knowing yourself, your boundaries, whether you're the right person to find the right person at that point in time - those can be worked on/explored and to an extent analyzed. I completely agree that you should do what you're passionate about in order to be in the right frame of mind and heart to find the right person. I also agree that finding oneself is not about being alone, musing/analyzing/psychobabble indulgences but about being out there, doing, dating people, meeting people who can introduce you to people you might want to date - being outside of your head and, within your personal boundaries, focusing on giving to other s as opposed to self--absorption/introspection.

[IAmFCA]

When I don't sleep, I get more introspective. And this is my journal, after all. A place for me to explore.

 

I am glad I researched myers Briggs types because it helped me understand other ways of processing, which is what people use MB for in the workplace as well.

 

However, I did isolate yesterday, which I haven't done to myself in quite a long time. I was exhausted.

 

OLD works for me because I am already working against some real barriers to being involved in activities, though I do keep up with my running group. There is a tennis meet up that conflicts with my running schedule, and a sailing group that conflicts with my work schedule. Having my kids nearly full time makes it a challenge to be in group circulation.

[IAmFCA]

Woke up depressed this morning, still. I will run 6 miles today on my own. I am clearly processing something that is suckling my energy up... it no longer feels like something about being alone. I don't think I fear that any longer. It feels more like something about sex. I miss having such a permissive outlet for my physical self. I don't trust ice with my sexuality, though it is obvious he can handle it.

[IAmFCA]

Decided to let my freak flag fly ever so slightly. I am who I am, gotta claim it. Felt right, and was well received.

 

Baby steps with my iceman.

[IAmFCA]

Sportster, I welcome your soliloquy on my journal page. And you're right.

 

What I've done is two fold- narrowed my OLD acceptance to people who live in my immediate area, and I'm trying a site that hooks people together based on extended fb networks. It's a way of self sorting for some basic similarities. So far it's worked.

 

My Mr wow, like your unavailable target whom I recall from that thread, is someone I met doing what I enjoy in terms of my work. Not on line. We sparked like fire and would still be together if he didn't choose a darker path instead. He would welcome me to continue a connection, use his boat, etc but I can't withstand contact and don't want anything to do with him except as necessary. That's a sign of his impact.

 

The most impactfull man before him I met at a triathlon, not on line. He drove me so batty I broke, which I needed to do in order to get well. Oddly, now we're friends.

 

The various others were from on line and offered me value of one kind or another, nothing lasting. I am seeing now a man whom I'd have never met, except our kids know each other already and we didn't know. That happened because I am so filtered on line that if you don't already sleep at my front door, I probably won't respond. I filtered through 20+ to sort him out, he doesn't even post a picture. While i am not sure it's a "thing", I'm glad I chose who I did.

 

I suspect my OLD matches are my learning journeys that prepare me for who ever I meet next in person.

[IAmFCA]

Mr wow and ice both not far from my mind today. Wanting to be received. It's good to want.

[IAmFCA]

Ice wishes I could come over. Honestly, I'd have liked that. I declined.

[IAmFCA]

Will see about one of these other fellows later this week. No time for Ice this weekend, if he asks. Friends already booked for both nights. He doesn't get to meet my friends. The only way for me to get something substantive out of ice is for him to see who I am over time. Otherwise, he would chew me up and dismiss me as a passing comfort. Makes him exactly what I need... didn't I say I wanted to focus on my friends?

[Batya33]

Of course it's fine to prioritize seeing your friends over seeing someone you're dating. It sounds like there's no way to do both. Also sounds like you have a need for him to see you as not that available to him so that he won't take you for granted. Is that specific to him or a general opinion you have about how you teach people how to treat you? I agree with you for what it's worth but maybe not to the extremes in which you describe it.

[IAmFCA]

Batya he hasn't asked for a date this weekend and I'm invited already to two events, one on each day. Then Sunday I leave town for work. I would see him if I could, but by the time he asks, if he asks, I'll have committed otherwise.