Madison12 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 months. We are both mid-30's professionals, no kids - he is divorced for 3 years. I have been on the pill religiously all of my life and have never had even a pregnancy scare. I take my pill at the exact same time every day. Typically in past relationships, I'll start out using condoms with a new boyfriend, we agree we're exclusive, and ditch the condoms eventually. This has never been a problem or issue with exes, it just happens rather naturally in the heat of the moment. My current boyfriend however, is insisting that we use condoms every single time because he knows too many guys who have believed women in the past about the pill only to end up with an unwanted pregnancy and a marriage he wasn't ready for. The problem is, I absolutely hate condoms. This is why I don't have casual sex. They smell bad, they feel like I'm having sex with a piece of plastic, it doesn't feel intimate at all, we have to stop repeatedly to "relube", it's just all-around awful. The thought of having a long term sexual relationship with condoms makes me want to cry. He says eventually he will trust me but he's not there yet. Who knows when that will be?! This is making me want to not get intimate at all. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 What about other methods that don't need him to trust you have taken it? The fact of the matter is that he is making as sure as he can he won't be a father again. Surely you cannot fault him on that. Link to comment
Madison12 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 He isn't a father. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 He isn't a father. And clearly doesn't want to be (sorry..misread OP). If I were a guy...I wouldn't place my future in the hands of a woman I knew for 2 months. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 It's been two months. That's not long at all. Link to comment
Madison12 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 And clearly doesn't want to be (sorry..misread OP). If I were a guy...I wouldn't place my future in the hands of a woman I knew for 2 months. I've never had this be an issue before, ever. So yeah, it definitely feels weird to me. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 If I were a man, I'd probably do the same thing. Until a birth control pill for men comes out, I can understand why he is making this choice. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 He may just take longer to feel comfortable. He's not in the wrong at all here. If you pressure him to drop the condoms, you are, though. Not all men are the same. Just because some were fine with trusting you off the bat (which is risky, btw) doesn't mean that he ought to be the same. Perhaps you would be willing to drop the pills and go for something like an IUD? Maybe then he'd feel more at ease. Just a thought. You can't "mess up" an IUD's protection. Many men get "oopsed" because the mother's pill failed or she got lazy and didn't take them. He probably doesn't want to be a statistic. If I were a man, I wouldn't necessarily trust a woman with pills either. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Well...mid 30s would be a time when a woman was thinking about her biological clock. And a man would be thinking he doesn't want to have marriage #2 pushed on him due to an unwanted pregnancy. Link to comment
Clinton Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 That is one smart dude. He's my new hero. And if niether of you has had a recent checkup for std's or an Hiv test he goes from being smart to a freaking genius. Link to comment
Madison12 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 My insurance doesn't cover an IUD, unfortunately, and out-of-pocket it's about 1K. BC has never failed me and I do trust it. Frankly, I think it's rather unfortunate that women are viewed as evil man-trapping baby makers looking to ruin a man's life (although I'm sure it happens, but certainly not in circles I run in). That certainly isn't me, and I don't feel comfortable being intimate with a man who would view me as such (potentially). I've never faced this situation before. He isn't wrong. But I really do hate them and I don't look forward to being intimate as a result. It feels like something I have to suffer through. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I don't think that in two months a level of trust has been established. He is in fact being very respectful. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Unfortunately, "oopsing" does happen and it's a HUGE risk for men. Esp with women in their 30s, who have their "clocks" ticking and some may act out in an immoral way... You've only been together 2 months. That's less than 100 days. You can't really expect him to put 100% trust in you with birth control to make sure that he doesn't become a father. I'm with you, I hate condoms. I really do. When I'm in a long term relationship, I don't use them as I have an IUD and I have not had a guy object. HOWEVER, if he did, I would put up with condoms or I would leave and that choice is up to me, no right or wrong. The only wrong choice is pressuring the guy to drop condoms or implying that he "should" trust you. It's not really about trust as it is about comfort level and when it comes to being a father, he has every right to maintain control. And right now, the only things a guy can do to do that are: condoms, vasectomies, or no sex at all. Link to comment
Madison12 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 That is one smart dude. He's my new hero. And if niether of you has had a recent checkup for std's or an Hiv test he goes from being smart to a freaking genius. We are both clean. Link to comment
goddess Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I truly do agree with the other posters in that it has been only two months. I imagine that you are one honest, honest and trustworthy lady but I have to side with him. The main thing to keep in mind is the time frame (two months is really a short time). Please give him a break; he is being careful. That's all. Admire him for that, please. I have to laugh at your description of how a condom feels; I completely agree - LOL! But I am sure that, with time, if your relationship progresses to a serious and loving one, he will give it up. My husband and I also used a condom at the beginning. When we both realised that it was very serious (after only 11 months), he stoppped using a condom. We are blissfully married for 25+ years. So, hang in there, put up with a little discomfort, and if it works out, Wonderfull!! Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Try some different brands of condom. There are a couple of polyeurethane brands my BF and I use because I'm allergic to latex, and they are pretty thin and don't smell bad either. Lube up before you start intercourse; in my experience that helps a lot. And give it time; like others have said, maybe six months from now this will be a non-issue. Link to comment
ecaryn Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Agree with the other posters regarding your dating timeframe and being respectful of his choice. I also understand that reaffirming your boyfriend's viewpoint doesn't do much for helping your outlook on the situation. I think some straightforward communicating is in order here before you throw your relationship out over a relatively minor issue. I'd reiterate to him how unpleasant you find sex with a condom, how you hope for each of you to eventually be comfortable enough in the relationship to not require the use of them any further, and that you respect his reasoning for the use of them at this point... but then let's look at all of the available birth control options to find something that gives him peace of mind and you comfortable sex. IUDs (check with planned parenthood for lower costs if applicable to where you live), spermicidal foam, sponges, diaphragm, implants, vasectomy, etc... Any of those in lieu of or in addition to your current method of the pill. Make the birth control method(s) a joint decision rather than a dividing line. Link to comment
haliescharlie Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Like many others here, I really respect your bf's decision to wear a condom to protect himself from becoming an unwanted father. As I've just recently posted, my father unfortunately trusted his ex gf when she said she was protected, became a father to my sister I never knew about until I was 20, was overbearing about me getting pregnant, and as a result I have an irrational fear of pregnancy that could be detrimental to my future relationships. Hurt all around! Being cynical aside, I think it would be a trivial reason to end your relationship just because of this one issue. It's also pretty lame to say you don't want a relationship with him because he doesn't trust you. Crap happens and we should feel responsible to prevent unwanted situations. Like someone else said, get some non-latex condoms. I've seen flavored or extra lubed ones, or get some lube that smells really good. Talk to him and let him decide how he can control a way in order to not become a father he feels comfortable with. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I think for now the condom "issue" is irrelevant. The TIME however, is very relevant. TWO MONTHS. I commend your boyfriend for insisting on using a condom at this very very early stage. He has every right to feel strongly about this and he is definitely doing the right thing Here's a man who is using his brain. Two months is way too early for him to take the risk of an unwanted pregnancy. You guys are still in the getting-to-know-you stage - who knows, you could be breaking up next month. If he wants to use a condom for at least the first year or even longer, he should do so. *high five* to your man. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 My insurance doesn't cover an IUD, unfortunately, and out-of-pocket it's about 1K. BC has never failed me and I do trust it. Frankly, I think it's rather unfortunate that women are viewed as evil man-trapping baby makers looking to ruin a man's life (although I'm sure it happens, but certainly not in circles I run in). That certainly isn't me, and I don't feel comfortable being intimate with a man who would view me as such (potentially). I've never faced this situation before. He isn't wrong. But I really do hate them and I don't look forward to being intimate as a result. It feels like something I have to suffer through. Wow. Time to adjust your thinking. He has every right to practice safe sex. It does not make you a bad person or a man-trapping baby maker. Your strong reaction and making this into something you have to suffer through indicates that you need to reframe this as the respectful thing that adults do when making love. Holding to this attitude that it is all about you will only make things toxic. Rejoice in the fact that you have a guy that is thoughtful and careful. How is this a bad thing? Maybe switching to polyurethane condoms will make things feel a bit more natural. Link to comment
Madison12 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Well, as usual, things are never just one simple issue, are they? Condom issue aside, I think it bothers me more that he seems to have a general distrust of women due to his divorce, his mother's affair when he was growing up, and his insecurities. He often makes comments like, "Would you date that guy?" or asks me if I think so-and-so is good looking. I drive a nice car and he has often said, "I hope you're not going to be one of those women who always needs to drive a luxury vehicle." Excuse me? I work hard for what I have. I feel like I'm constantly being tested, and the condom thing just compounds it in a way. This is an ivy-league educated dude. Yet he is worried about things that have a 99% chance of never happening. He even used condoms in his marriage for fear she would have his baby and take the kid back to her home country. If everything else was going normally, and I didn't feel as though he was dragging his old baggage into this relationship, it wouldn't feel like such a big trust issue to me. So yes while I agree there's no problem with a man wanting to protect himself (although I think it's VERY common to ditch condoms once exclusive), I feel like this goes way deeper than that for him. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 All other issues aside, if a man doesn't want a child, condoms are his best protection. And the pill isn't at 99%. And at 2 months and exclusive --- there isn't any reason for him to trust you. Link to comment
Madison12 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 All other issues aside, if a man doesn't want a child, condoms are his best protection. And the pill isn't at 99%. And at 2 months and exclusive --- there isn't any reason for him to trust you. Well, he's the first one who hasn't. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Well, he's the first one who hasn't. That may be the case --- but it doesn't weaken his choice by any stretch. Link to comment
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