Signals and words don't match... am I just being used?

[patterned]

Stop looking at her and look at your own choices. This isn't about her. This is about you rationalizing your own harmful treatment of yourself by allowing this.

[pippy longstocking]

I have little doubt that you're right, Star. I'm really not arguing with any of you on this one, because you're all echoing what I was thinking. My other friend was sowing seeds of doubt, though, and that's why I came here. You guys are traditionally pretty cynical, but you all said the same thing that I've been thinking.

 

 

 

 

No, in my area you can't abort after the first trimester. She told me that she was pregnant on Feb 9, so I think she's closer to 2 months.

 

ok sorry ... got my own calculations wrong then ..

 

I am sorry ..I feel bad at being horrible ..it really is cos I care cs ..xx bless you darling ..

[Shane Falco]

thank god you are here ..now sort him out shane please ..this is so so bad ...I cant bear to see all this unfold.

 

I mean, I don't even know what to say at this point. I kept reading thinking "how is this real?" Cs, I really hope you can get yourself under control, because you are being played for a fool.

[pippy longstocking]

I hear you shane ...this is not what I wanted to read at all .

[Dcgent]

She is not cruel, you are just being idiotic. You are also looking to in depth...trying to find the smallest detail to give you hope. The big picture is that you have zero self respect and she is disrespecting you because you are allowing it. Provide a timeline gives no substance to a glaring issue. The issue is yourself, not her. You are allowing others to use you as their chore-boy. Go to the mirror and slap your face a few times to wake up!

[Brokenhart84]

There are no mixed signals dude. She's told you repeatedly that she doesn't love you and she's using you for money. It's as plain as day. That was a sad read. She's not your lover, she's not your friend, she's simply using you. That was a cringeworthy read. You aren't even in the friend zone at this point -- you're in the sucker zone. I mean, you have to stop enabling her. This is bad, bad, bad news.

 

I was hoping that you had move forward. Not only have you not, you are running backwards at warp speed. Please stop being such a doormat.

 

Thanks for always responding to him with the truth. It's sickening to believe someone would continue to go and put themselves through this.

[Brokenhart84]

I don't know why you keep coming here asking for advice if you keep doing the same thing and getting yourself tangled up into a deeper situation with this woman. She is not your friend and you don't care for her as one. She told you she never loved you and even if she did...love is not enough to have a healthy relationship! She will continue to use you because you are allowing her to use you. There are no mixed signals.

 

Why are you trying to support a MARRIED woman who CHOSE to get pregnant in her decision to have an abortion? A woman can't get pregnant everyday of the month. Research it! Look, her situation is no different from the other millions of women that are in the same predicament or worse.

 

You need to focus on yourself and get help ASAP.

[leseine7]

Here's the thing - you keep saying you're confused by her intentions, and listing things she did and said in the past to indicate she loved you. But the recent information she gave you was that she never DID love you. I know it hurts to hear, but I think regardless of the timeline and all the details you keep giving about the past between you two, you now know from her that she did not love you and you have to stop looking back thinking of it as a serious relationship. It was serious to you. YOU loved her. YOU were madly in love with her .She didn't see it that way, and she did not return your feelings - she has told you this. You really have to move on from all of what you believed this relationship to be and try to find someone whose actions and words ALWAYS match in the future. You cannot let what you HOPE to be overshadow what the realities are.

[ParisPaulette]

Umm yeah, she's using you. You've told her you love her, so she says to herself, "Oh hey, I have a live one here. Of course he'll do whatever I ask of him, time to snap the fingers and see how high he jumps."

 

Seriously, asking an ex to take you to an abortion is not cool when you know they have feelings for you. She has stamped doormat all over your forehead and is now busy wiping her feet. Next will be the sob story about how she needs money, then she'll cry on your shoulder every time some other guy hurts her, eventually she'll move in and put her feet up on your sofa and ask you to support her while she keeps seeing other guys...these things are so paint by the numbers it's pathetic.

 

Your only response to her should be a terse, "Get another ride, also never call or reach out to me again. Goodbye." Otherwise yes, be prepared to play doormat plenty more.

[ParisPaulette]

double post, sorry.

[relevart]

Just for some clarification.....

No clarifications needed. You keep looking for signals or clues when she's telling you the honest truth in her own words. But when she says, "I never loved you." you think: "So there's a chance you can love me?" It's really rather sad. I can't really say I blame her for using you as she is because you seem to be a very willing and eager partner. It's time to put the No Contact down on her. Block her number, drop her from social media and stop going anywhere where there's even a remote chance she might be.

[goldway90]

Wait what? I don't see any mixed signals here, seriously how old are you? Can't you see what she said, she basically friendzoned you on the spot, and told she's not INTERESTED yet you keep chasing her and doing stuff for her. Well stop playing the white knight and just cut her off, move on, you deserve better.

[Clinton]

Oh my, this is a love story for the ages. Poor little misunderstood girl saddled with another man's child, flees to the arms of her lover; well maybe not lover. Ok, flees to the arms of someone she once had feelings of friendship for and asks our brave hero to fund her abortion because, you know, we're buddies(platonic buddies).

 

Our hero agrees because our blushing damsel has proclaimed her feelings of "I've never loved you" to our hero and...... Wait a sec, that can't be right. Never loved him, another man's baby, begging for money for an abortion. Hmmmm, this has happy ending written all over it. Fairy tales suck these days.

[ParisPaulette]

Fairy tales suck these days.

 

Fairy tales always sucked unless Disney got a hold of them. Read the original Grim's Fairy Tales, which were more about what love gone wrong could bring down on your head. And don't even get me started on the Hunchback of Notre Dame original vs. Disney--although they kept a little more (disturbingly) true to that tale.

 

And to the OP, you should take note especially of "The Little Mermaid" the original story, not the Disney one. Yes, your one-sided love has all the earmarkings of you fading into the surf after suffering immeasurably while she rides off into the sunset with someone else. I'm sorry, but you need to admit to yourself you are being used and she's not even thanking you after she wipes her feet on you. If you want to do good in the world there are people and organizations out there there really deserve your time, attention, energy and dollars.

 

Tell her you gave the money and rides for her abortion to funding for a women's shelter and you hope she realizes how to properly treat people some day. Then block and delete her. Otherwise, stop whining when she keeps using you and accept it's your lot in life and will get you nothing in return.

[pippy longstocking]

cs are you are ok darling ?

 

I know this must have been very harsh to read ..no one is saying it to be cruel , I know this site can be a tadge cynical at times , but your story is one of the worst I have read and we are all screaming from the roof tops to try and get you away from her ... xx hugs cs xx

[Clinton]

Fairy tales always sucked unless Disney got a hold of them.

 

I prefer my fairy tales Disney. I took a class on Grimms' in University. Too depressing, I like happy endings.

 

So for the purpose of my little allegory, it's Walt's world I'm referring to.

[browneyedgirl36]

cs are you are ok darling ?

 

I know this must have been very harsh to read ..no one is saying it to be cruel , I know this site can be a tadge cynical at times , but your story is one of the worst I have read and we are all screaming from the roof tops to try and get you away from her ... xx hugs cs xx

 

I agree, star -- it might seem like we're all being really hard on him, but...it's just because we HATE seeing people putting themselves through this stuff needlessly!

 

CS's story makes me really sad (and mad!) for him; there are a few other stories on here that have made me feel this way, but not many. I just hate to see decent people used and thrown away like this.

[pippy longstocking]

I agree, star -- it might seem like we're all being really hard on him, but...it's just because we HATE seeing people putting themselves through this stuff needlessly!

 

CS's story makes me really sad (and mad!) for him; there are a few other stories on here that have made me feel this way, but not many. I just hate to see decent people used and thrown away like this.

 

Yes ..beautifully put ...it affects me when I read this stuff ..we are a good bunch , but there are some really cruel people out there.

[csdude55]

cs are you are ok darling ?

 

I know this must have been very harsh to read ..no one is saying it to be cruel , I know this site can be a tadge cynical at times , but your story is one of the worst I have read and we are all screaming from the roof tops to try and get you away from her ... xx hugs cs xx

 

If I'm going to be 100% honest, I'm more than a little tired of this site. It's not just that the people here are cynical, it's that they don't seem to read the whole thing, and then they get intentionally mean and hurtful to someone that's clearly reaching out for help.

 

I felt like I had made it pretty clear to you guys that I no longer wanted to get back with Anna, but one of my friends (the only one that knows both of us well) has been telling me that she thinks Anna still loves me. When I tried to look at it without bias, I could see 4 signs that seemed like maybe she did, which is why I posted here. I wanted some unbiased opinions, too. Not because I wanted her back, but because it would mean the difference between her USING me (which would be unforgivable), or her having feelings for me.

 

But the majority of the feedback I got here was just mean and condescending, even after I clarified my position several times. It just felt like everyone was being mean for the sake of being mean.

 

That cruelty is why I left for awhile, as I feel no obligation towards a site that's just being hurtful to people that are asking for help.

 

There's no real need to reply further to this thread, as I'm unsubscribing for it, and don't really know if I'll come back to the site anyway. But I think it's important for the long time users of this site to know that being mean and hurtful, even if you mean it as "tough love", is running off newer users. No one likes to be kicked when they're down.

[Shane Falco]

No one is trying to be mean to you. But we aren't going to tell you that it's sunny outside when there's a blizzard happening. Honestly, what you consider mean is just shock because we can't believe how far you have gone down the rabbit hole to have a relationship with this person, even if it's not a romantic one. You say she's your friend, but there's no indication of friendship coming from her -- it's completely using you for her own benefit with absolutely no regard for your well-being. As for this friend who you seem to be latching on to, she's making the cardinal mistake of telling you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear. She probably thinks she's being nice, but her misguided opinion (because no one who is acting in the manner and treating you in the way that you described Anna is is showing any "love") is keeping you in the muck and doing you a great disservice.

 

You came on here claiming mixed signals. There's nothing mixed about what she's doing, and none of the counterexamples you've retorted with make the mixed-signal case any more compelling. If pointing that out makes us mean and cruel to you, then I really don't know what to say. I wish you would direct your anger and frustration toward getting away from a person who is clearly using you and who has hurt you instead of lashing out at people trying to help you get out of this rut that you don't deserve to be in.

 

Sometimes a sh*t situation is a sh*t situation no matter how many mental gymnastics you try to do to avoid that truth. We would not be doing you a service by telling you that everything is great when it most clearly is not.

 

Your story saddens me, because it's clear you have a big heart. Unfortunately, your heart has clouded your judgement to the point where you are being used in a way that I've rarely seen on this site. I really hope, even if it's with the advice you've gotten on this site, that you break out of this and realize your true value, because you are being used severely. If Anna is acting the way she's acting and saying the stuff she's said to you out of love, than her version of love is awful.

[pippy longstocking]

I am sorry cs ..really really sorry .... I am one of the ones who made several posts screaming at you ... that part was reaction ..my reaction at reading the latest part of the story ..but I can't and wont take back my opinion ..I maybe could have delivered it a bit a better , so I will certainly take that and make sure I DONT DO IT AGAIN .

 

I think a lot of us where shocked you know .. as posters sat reading your story and certainly this latest bit ..it is horrendous . What she is saying and doing is horrendous cs ..really ..

 

you are a nice man ..a lovely man ..and anna knows this ..and she is using you ..and if this where my best friend and she was telling me the same believe me she would have got a gob full as well ..

 

I agree with shane , I always have agreed with shane .. and this friend who is telling you this stuff ..well I dont know why , maybe she is just telling you what you want to hear ..

 

anyway if you are leaving then I am sorry and wish you well with all this darling , but please know you can come back and air it all out , and no matter what we are here for you and we do care xxxx

[shessofly]

it was very shocking to read, i agree. maybe i missed your other threads but i just couldn't believe what i was reading. that someone would put up with such treatment because from the outside looking in it seems so obvious. so i will just say this - if she really loved you, or had any true romantic feelings for you i don't think there would be any confusion, or any need to ask us or anyone else what her intentions are because they would be clear. she is taking advantage of your feelings for her and that is hard to "watch". i am not sure why your friend would encourage you to continue seeing this woman. but i do wish you well and hope to "see" you around...

[boltnrun]

I'm not one to blow sunshine up someone's butt.

 

And I sure as heck didn't see the mythical "4 signs" she loves you. Particularly when she said she never did. Maybe you want to believe she lied when she said that?

 

It's fine that you are mad no one told you what you wanted to hear, and that you're going to plug your ears and cover your eyes. Maybe it will take several more years of Anna asking you for money and favors until you see what's really going on.

 

It's too bad, it's hard to read about someone deliberately hurting themselves because they refuse to see.

[LC8328]

I'm sorry, CS. I feel comfortable in speaking for (most of) us in that our outrage is toward her and not you.

 

I don't want you to be hurt.

 

Or feeling like you're kicked when you're down.

 

In answer to your *actual* question, your friend is not reading Anna's signs correctly. It doesn't mean Anna doesn't have a heart or that she doesn't care about you at all.

 

The world of relationships isn't as cut-and-dry as other things are. There's no scientific formula or instruction book and therefore, these little signs that you and your friend have observed DON'T necessarily mean what you think they do.

 

Sometimes, people will say things. These are words. They are not contracts (though that would certainly simplify life a lot). You don't have to mean them. You could even mean it during the moment you say it, but it doesn't mean it's a permanent or real feeling. People can even change their minds or be unsure as to how they really feel.

 

I really hope you don't leave ENA for good. We're thinking about you. I hope things turn out well for you.