Signals and words don't match... am I just being used?

[csdude55]

Some of you guys may remember my saga with Anna from the recent past. If so, you can skip ahead to the #### section.

 

Long story short, she and I had a short but very intense time together, but it ended when she went back to the father of her children. At the time, it seemed very emotional; she kept saying things like, "I really want to be with you, but I have to make the mature decision for my kids".

 

About a week after our breakup, she sent me a message. Here's the conversation:

 

****

Her: Could you give me a ride home tomorrow at 5

 

Me: Wow... ummm... Are you sure you want ME to give you a ride home? You know it's going to mean a LOT more to me than just helping out a friend.

 

Her: Just as a friend please I don't even know how I'm going to get to my job and come the rest of the week but I'll figure something out cuz [the father's] dad doesn't really want I mean I understand he works night shift and he needs some sleep

 

Me: Hmm. You know that I'm NEVER going to see you as "just a friend", and no matter what I'm going to believe that you're asking me because you REALLY want to see me, and this is just an excuse ;-) I'm supposed to be out of town tomorrow, but I think I can move things around without too much trouble. I can give you a ride on Wednesday evening, too, if you want. I'll be near there, anyway.

 

Her: Ok that will be great thanks !!

 

****

 

I did give her a ride home, and the whole time she talked about how she was fighting all the time with the father, etc.

 

The next day, though, she sent me a text about 10 minutes before I was supposed to pick her up, and said that she had found another ride. That night was when we really ended things. She told me that she wasn't sure if she ever loved me, or if it was just because I was so nice to her.

 

We didn't talk again for about 3 weeks, at which time she sent me a message: "Hey !! How are you !!" I replied, she replied, I replied back... then she disappeared.

 

About 3 weeks after THAT, she came back to work at my favorite restaurant. I debated heavily, but decided not to go see her. But then she called me and asked me to come see her. She told me that she had gotten pregnant (by the father of her other children), and didn't know what to do. She was considering an abortion (she's a rather extreme Christian, so this was huge).

 

She asked me to keep coming to see her, so I did. But it was odd. I would walk in, she would smile real big and act happy to see me, but then I felt like she was avoiding me while I was there. But when we did talk, it was ALWAYS about how she was so unhappy, they were fighting all the time, he's talking about leaving, etc. At one point, I point-blank asked her, "do you want me to keep coming to see you? Because I don't want to make a fool out of myself." Her reply was, "of course!" And then she proceeded to tell me the best days and times to see her.

 

So. At this point, I was getting the feeling that she still wanted to be with me, but was going to extreme lengths to make it work with the father of her children.

 

On February 20, she sent me a message: "He's gone " (referring to the father). She was pretty sad, but considering that I was the first person she wanted to talk to, I felt like this was a pretty clear sign that she still had feelings for me. And that, after a proper period of time, we could try to make things work again.

 

After this, everything went to crap, and my mind is now blown.

 

#### New stuff begins here ####

 

On Feb 28, we were talking about relationships, and I simply asked if there was ever going to be a chance between us again. Here's her reply:

 

I'm sorry but I have to be honest I never loved you I know it was mean of my part to lie but I saw that u treated me good and I was like hey I may end up being happy with him and you were like the only guy I talked to and since my life was miserable I thought that u could change it but I thought to myself but I dont feel anything for him just friendship Im sorry I'm being honest but I need to tell u what's going on my head its just impossible for us well me to happy and fall in love with you

 

Now, that was pretty darn cold. Not only does she not have any feelings for me now, but she never did, and the whole relationship was a lie. Which is even more cruel when you consider that she is the one that said "I love you" first. She kissed me first, she talked about marriage first, she even initiated sex the first time. She set the pace the entire time, and then told me that she was lying the whole time?

 

Worse, I spent the next several months waiting for her, reaching out to help her get out of an abusive relationship, etc, all under the belief that she really wanted to be with me, but was sacrificing her happiness for her children (since that's what she said). Cruel. Just cruel.

 

After this, I was done. That's all I needed to hear to forget about her and move on.

 

But she kept sending me messages, every day. She talked about some other guy she was crushing on, just a week or so after our break up. She was talking about some other guy that she was crushing on right then, and could see them dating. Then she was talking about her other ex (before me), and how they were going on a date the next weekend.

 

So I was getting a lot of mixed signals. She tells me that she never loved me and never will... but then she starts texting me every day. But then in those texts, she's always talking about some other guy?

 

After about 2 weeks, she sends me a message and asks me to please come see her at work (I hadn't gone since her message on Feb 28). I basically said, no, it would just be embarrassing.

 

The next day, she texts me and asks me for a favor. She's decided to get an abortion, and is hoping that I can loan her the money. I said OK, then I went to her work the next day and gave it to her. I made a point to leave quickly, though; I literally said hi, handed her the money, then said "well, you're busy, so I won't bug you". I did notice, though, that she didn't even text me to say "thanks" or anything.

 

A few days later, she texts me again, asking for another favor. She's about to lose her apartment, and wants to borrow some money to pay the rent. I said OK, I'd bring it to her Monday (today). She wrote back and said something like "you're the greatest person I've ever met, even my own family won't help me". I tried to chat with her a little after that, but she didn't reply, so it was kind of weird.

 

So again, mixed signals here. You don't love me, never did, you've been crushing on other guys, and trying to get back with another ex... but you're texting me every day, asking me to come see you, and coming to me when you need help? Asking your ex for help seems rather incredible to me, anyway, especially RIGHT after the whole "I never loved you" speech.

 

I texted her last night and said, "do you still want me to bring you the money?" Her reply: "yes please". Kind of cold, but whatever.

 

So, I took her the money today. When I walked in, she smiled real big like she used to, and walked me to a table. She was kind of chatty, talking about how she was so happy today, but had been real clumsy, blah blah blah. I gave her the money, she said thanks, and then asked for ANOTHER favor.

 

This is the big one, and why I'm here now:

 

"Can you drive me to the clinic on Thursday?"

 

Now, keep in mind that the clinic is 2, maybe 2 1/2 hours away. So this isn't a little thing! This is me getting up at 8am, picking her up at home, driving together (just the two of us) for 2+ hours, going in to the clinic with her, maybe going in to the doctor's office with her... then afterward, possibly comforting her, and driving 2+ hours back home.

 

I'm truly flabbergasted, and have no idea how to take this. I mean, an abortion is a very personal, private thing, so to ask an ex to go with you? One that just a few weeks ago told you that he is still in love with you? And that you just told that you never loved, and never will? I mean, I'm trying not to read too much in to it, but my head seriously exploded when she asked that. It's just such a HUGE thing to ask!

 

Now, I realize that I'm being very selfish here, which is why I'm talking about this online. I could never have this conversation in person with anyone, and I can't even begin to imagine the pain that she's going through right now. But, am I wrong in thinking that she's sending the most confusing signals ever? I mean, she's asking favors of me that you would ask your boyfriend, or maybe even family... not your ex. Right?

[Capricorn3]

She has told you several times that she never loved you and it's impossible for her to fall in love with you. All you are is a back-up, a guy to turn to who can do her favors and nothing else. She is not into you in the sense of ever wanting a true relationship with you. You are friend-zoned. Are you being used? Only if you keep allowing her to come back again and again and "use" you.

[shessofly]

are you for real? she's using you..! you really can't see that? she's totally using you...idk what to say to this. snap out of this trance she has you in & stop giving her your time and money! her signals and words totally match. she said she doesn't love you...calls you up to talk about other guys (you've been majorly friend zoned, only she's a horrible friend), and is asking you for money that you are giving her. hello...

[leseine7]

Yeah... I do not see any mixed signals. She has said over and over she doesn't want you like that, and has multiple other guys in the equation. What more do you need from her? To be invited to watch her have sex with other guys?? haha.

 

Seriously, I'm concerned that you did not move on maaany months ago. Is there some reason you are holding out for her? It seems a little extreme that you're still hoping for a romantic relationship with someone who has even been pregnant with another guy's baby during this time... it seems like you're incapable of seeing the reality here for some reason, and I would definitely investigate that for yourself if I were you before getting 'involved' with anyone else...

[browneyedgirl36]

Oh dear. This is terrible. She told you she never loved you, and yet...she turns around and asks you for money -- for an abortion for another guy's baby, no less -- AND or an apartment, and you're giving it to her? Why oh why?!

 

CS, I'm going to just say it: You are being a HUGE, HUGE doormat here. Tell her to get her own ride to the clinic. This is all just beyond ridiculous. She has used you in a very cruel way, and you've allowed it, but you can say "no" and put this to rest once and for all. Please, for your own peace of mind, cut her off NOW.

[browneyedgirl36]

No mixed signals here -- her asking you to go does NOT mean anything in terms of your relationship. She's a user, and she has no one else to ask. Sorry -- she's NOT who you think she is at all, nor is she confused about her feelings for you.

[csdude55]

Seriously, I'm concerned that you did not move on maaany months ago. Is there some reason you are holding out for her? It seems a little extreme that you're still hoping for a romantic relationship with someone who has even been pregnant with another guy's baby during this time... it seems like you're incapable of seeing the reality here for some reason, and I would definitely investigate that for yourself if I were you before getting 'involved' with anyone else...

 

Several reasons, really:

 

1. I was in an LTR for about 20 years. About 8 years in to it, I realized that I wasn't in love, but stayed because there didn't seem to be a lot of other options out there for me. I'm not joking when I say that I went about 20 years without even so much as a crush. So when Anna came along, and seemed to be madly in love with me, it seemed like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

 

2. When we were together, we talked about things like marriage, having kids, etc. So it was a very serious relationship. We talked online pretty much all day, every day. I got up early to talk to her, and she stayed up late to talk to me. It felt like true love to me.

 

3. When we did break up, I thought it was a very emotional and difficult break up for her. It went on for weeks; she would tell me that her mom and church were pressuring her to go back to the father of her children, and she felt like it was the right thing to do. She would say things like, "I really want to be with you, but I'm afraid that it's just not going to work". And, "I think I was giving myself hopes to be finally happy in my life but I have to be realistic".

 

But then the next day, she would say that she's sorry for everything she said, and ask me to come over and be with her.

 

So to me, the whole break up felt like she was trying to do what she thought was the right thing (go back to the father of her children), but really wanted to be with me. That made it pretty hard to move on.

 

 

Putting this in a timeline, though, we stopped talking on Dec 17, and that's when she went back to the father of her children. When I saw her again on Feb 9, that's when she told me that she was pregnant. That was hard to swallow, sure, but I couldn't exactly hold it against her; she was trying to reconcile with him, so naturally that meant sex. I dont mean to be vulgar, but I know from experience that she's VERY sexual, so I wasn't surprised.

 

But she had led me to believe that her other two pregnancies were more or less "forced" by him, too. They would be on the verge of breaking up, but then have sex and he would just not pull out as quickly as he should, or his condom would "break" (which I've never actually have to happen, so I have to believe that he was sabotaging the condom). True or not, I don't know, that's just what she said. So at the time, I wasn't shocked to hear that he was trying to make her stay by getting her knocked up a third time.

 

After her message on Feb 28, though, I was done and ready to move on. This is why I'm pretty confused by the constant barrage of texts, asking me to come see her, asking me to help her out of binds, and now asking me to take her to this very intimate procedure where we'll be alone pretty much all day long. I can't help but wonder if she's seen that I've moved on, and now regrets it.

 

I'm not saying that I WANT her back at this point. If I could go back in time, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but things are different now. I'm just confused by her intentions.

[Capricorn3]

I'm just confused by her intentions.

Absolutely nothing to be confused about at all. Her intentions are to leech off a guy (you) who gives her money, gives her rides, is at her beck and call whenever she calls. Nothing more, nothing less. As long as the "sucker" keeps giving her what she wants, she'll be back for more. This is all in YOUR control. You can walk away once and for all, but no matter how many threads you have started about this woman, no matter how many times everyone says the same thing, over and over again, you insist on going back for more and then you wonder why you are back again with the question, "is she using me?". YES! YES, she IS using you. NO, she is NOT interested in you in any way, other than to leech off you.

 

DON'T allow it. DON'T give her money. DON'T even talk to her. Go total NC - forever. Your choice.

 

As long as you allow her to use you, she will continue.

[csdude55]

Just for some clarification. When I saw her on Feb 9 and she told me she was pregnant, she was crying and very upset. She was thinking about an abortion, but she had been jobless for a few weeks and the father had lost his job, so she didn't know how she could afford it... nor did she know how she was going to be able to afford having the kid. It was a bad scene.

 

Keeping in mind that I thought she was still in love with me, I offered at that point to pay for the abortion if she chose to have it.

 

When she came to me on Mar 13 and asked for money for an abortion, I couldn't help but feel obligated since I'd offered the money a month earlier. Things had changed since then, of course, but I suffer from White Knight Syndrome. And I could justify it in my head: that's such a hard, emotional decision to make, and she doesn't really have anyone else to turn to, so it was probably super hard for her to even ask me.

 

But then, coming to me to help with rent, and now asking for a ride to the clinic... I can't tell if she's seeing me as super-friend that she can go to for anything, a doormat that's completely irrelevant, or someone that she regrets losing.

 

I've talked about this with two real-life friends, too, who know the story a lot better than I can post here (I haven't told them about her asking me for a ride, though). One said that she's using me, the other said that she's still in love but doesn't know how to say it. Personally, I'm feeling more used than loved, but that's why I came here.

 

I don't know that I care one way or the other, because I don't think I'd take her back at this point, anyway. I would like to go back to being friends, like we were before the relationship, but I don't want to be a doormat. So I'm just trying to figure out what I'm dealing with.

[Capricorn3]

Keeping in mind that I thought she was still in love with me,

I've talked about this with two real-life friends, . One said that she's using me, the other said that she's still in love but doesn't know how to say it.

What your friend doesn't know is that she told you several times that she never loved you and it would be impossible for her to ever fall in love with you. It doesn't get anymore clearer than that, imo.

[boltnrun]

You think her leeching off you for money means she loves you??? You're kidding, right?

 

She asks you because she knows you'll say yes. Not because she loves you.

 

But you want to believe she loves you. And you're clinging to the ONE friend who thinks she loves you, and are probably ignoring those who see the truth and are trying to warn you. You are even trying to convince us here, and are hoping we'll say " yes, she loves you, forge ahead!" But none of us believe that.

 

She's using you for money. Period.

[csdude55]

What your friend doesn't know is that she told you several times that she never loved you and it would be impossible for her to ever fall in love with you. It doesn't get anymore clearer than that, imo.

 

Several times? No, just the once, on Feb 28, and both of my friends read that whole conversation. Before that, she told me several times that she loved me, but was sacrificing her happiness for her children.

 

The friend that thinks she's still in love with me (a woman; the other friend is a guy) keeps saying that either she was lying BEFORE when she said she loved me, or she's lying NOW when she says she doesn't, and we don't know which. She thinks that Anna is Old Yeller'ing me (trying to get me to go away for my own good).

 

I don't mean for it to sound like I'm defending Anna here, though, I'm just explaining my friend's logic.

 

Ideally, I would like to believe that she thinks of me as a close friend that she can trust with personal issues. We were great friends before the relationship, and that's pretty rare for me, so I'd love to be friends again. But if she's just using me, then I can't even do that.

[csdude55]

You think her leeching off you for money means she loves you??? You're kidding, right?

She's using you for money. Period.

 

I kind of feel the same way. Both times that she asked for money she referred to it as a loan, and swears to pay me back. But I think we all know that I don't expect it, and she's not going to. I mean, she makes $3 + tips, is now single, and has 2 small children, so how will she ever come up with the money to pay me back?

 

I have no problem helping a friend out of a bind. I've done it before, and I'll do it again. But asking me to go with her is where I get confused on where the line is being drawn. She has other friends, she has family, and she apparently has another ex that she's gone on at least one date with. So why ask me? There's no financial gain to be had in asking me to go with her.

[csdude55]

Several times? No, just the once, on Feb 28, and both of my friends read that whole conversation. Before that, she told me several times that she loved me, but was sacrificing her happiness for her children.

 

Sorry for 3 in a row, but you're right, Cap, she said it twice. The first time was by text, on Dec 18. But that one was more like "I'm not sure if I love you, or if it's just because you were being so nice to me when I was so miserable" (I didn't save the text, so that's from memory).

 

(But two days before that, she had said "Please forgive me for everything I've said, I'm just so confused. I just want to run to you and be in your arms forever". So which one was true, and which one was false?)

 

It doesn't really matter, because that was 3 months ago, and things are different now. I'm just trying to explain the context, and I wanted to back up and say that Cap is right, she didn't say it more than once.

[unicorns]

I agree with everyone else... It sounds like she's using you.

 

Not calling her malicious or anything, but she knows that you still have feelings for her and is using it to her advantage. She's picking you and not anybody else because you're probably the most likely to help her as soon as she needs it. she knows she can count on you and you're still willing to jump through hoops for her. If she wanted to be with you again, she would say so. Has she said anything about getting back together? Or giving it another shot? If not, all other contact from her is strictly on a friendship basis.

 

I'm sorry, but it really does seem as though she's friendzoned you. Maybe best-friendzoned, because she confides in you and is seemingly closer to you than anyone else-- but still on a friendship level. I think there is a chance that she *may* have loved you in the past, but honestly it doesn't really matter. She doesn't love you now. Even if she truly had loved you before, those same feelings obviously aren't there anymore and it doesn't really sound like they'll be back.

 

Bottom line: She's not trying to get back together. You are her security blanket and support system-- nothing more.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, when I needed to borrow money I went to the one ex I knew wanted me back because I knew he'd say yes (in my defense, I tried asking the guy I was currently dating but he didn't answer my numerous calls). However, I paid him back in 5 days. And I hadn't been playing with his emotions.

 

Now I'm sure you'll leap to Anna's defense, insisting she's never played with your emotions. You're so infatuated with her and have her on such a high pedestal despite everything she's done that you refuse to hear a word against her. And she knows this and uses it to her advantage to get what she wants (money, rides, etc.). She asks and you eagerly comply.

 

She'll use you for as long as you allow her to.

[pippy longstocking]

cs Ihavent read the replies cos i am bursting here ...bursting

 

get your money back NOW ...tell her to eff off NOW ...

 

DO NOT TAKE HER ,DO NOT DO ANYTHING .....DEAR GOD MAN

 

 

you have to take a stand at some point and stick up for yourself ..if she wants an abortion her husband should be paying ...

 

I am flabbergasted ...cs give your bloody head a bang !!!!!

[pippy longstocking]

I maybe missed a bit ..but has she now left her husband again ?

 

cs this is not helping a friend out ...believe me , if you knew me in real life I am an absolute doormat and people have taken advantage of that ..and so are you and she IS using you ...enough is enough ...

[csdude55]

Now I'm sure you'll leap to Anna's defense, insisting she's never played with your emotions. You're so infatuated with her and have her on such a high pedestal despite everything she's done that you refuse to hear a word against her. And she knows this and uses it to her advantage to get what she wants (money, rides, etc.). She asks and you eagerly comply.

 

She'll use you for as long as you allow her to.

 

Quite the opposite, I totally agree. In the beginning, I thought she was 100% sincere, but now I feel like I'm being used and that she's playing with my emotions, too. A month ago, I might have defended her, but after saying that she consciously lied about loving me, I simply can't defend her.

 

Let me point out, she's the one that said "I love you" first, not me. And near the beginning of our relationship, I asked her, "in your dream world, would you and I be friends, friends with benefits, lovers, boyfriend and girlfriend, or husband and wife until death?" Her reply: "My heart tells me husband and wife id love to wake up in ur arms every morning and feel actually loved by someone". So if she was encouraging me to put more and more of my heart in to it, while the whole time she knew that she felt nothing... that's just cruel, and I can't defend that.

 

So when she asked for money, I had no doubt that I was being used. My one friend argued, though, that Anna constantly messaging me, wanting me to come see her, and asking me for help is because she's always thinking of me, which was giving me little shades of doubt.

 

And then, today's request (for me to go with her) just threw me for a loop. There's nothing there for her to gain, so it didn't feel like she was using me. This felt like she sincerely wanted ME to be the one to hold her hand through a rough time... and that's confusing. She has another ex that she's at least gone on one date with, so I can't understand why she would ask me instead of him. Or even just go alone. I mean, I've purposefully avoided her for about a month, so this request felt... surprising, I guess.

 

I honestly don't care about the money, that's not the issue. But I do care if I'm being used. I would be perfectly happy if we're just friends, but in order for me to get there, I have to trust her. And that's what I'm not 100% sure about.

 

 

if she wants an abortion her husband should be paying ...

 

FWIW, he disappeared on Feb 20, which is one of the reasons she's planning to go through with it. However, she did talk about going on a few dates with another ex (the guy before me), so I honestly don't understand why it was easier to ask me for help than him. Unless she did ask and he ran. I kind of felt like her asking me for money was very hard for her, and I didn't want to pry or make a big deal out of it.

 

I guess maybe I should point out that the amount she's asked for is about 2 days salary for me, so I'm not overly concerned about it. My concern is whether she's coming to me because she trusts me and believes she can count on me, or if she's consciously using me. I think that most of you think that she's consciously using me, though, which is the same thing I've been thinking.

[pippy longstocking]

I mean, I'm trying not to read too much in to it, but my head seriously exploded when she asked that. It's just such a HUGE thing to ask!

 

there is nothing to read in it cs ..nothing except she is a user ..and you are her floor mop that will put your hand in your pocket and ferry her about because she has no one else ..

 

I am so disgusted darling ...dont come back and tell me you would help anyone out .. there has to be a limit on your pride , self respect and dignity ...there HAS to be and if there isn;t then there needs to be ...get your money back ..tell her to have a nice life and WALK AWAY for ever .

[csdude55]

I maybe missed a bit ..but has she now left her husband again ?

 

The other way around... she was trying to make it work with him after she and I broke up, but on Feb 20 he left her. She texted me about an hour after he left, and she seemed pretty upset about it, but I noted that I was the first person she reached out to for comfort.

 

My heart really does go out to her (as a friend). She's really in a rough position: single mother of two, pregnant, working 3 days a week as a waitress, making $3 /hour + tips. It's not an enviable position, by any stretch of the imagination.

[pippy longstocking]

I guess maybe I should point out that the amount she's asked for is about 2 days salary for me, so I'm not overly concerned about it. My concern is whether she's coming to me because she trusts me and believes she can count on me, or if she's consciously using me. I think that most of you think that she's consciously using me, though, which is the same thing I've been thinking.

 

darling darling darling ...she is using you ...please please listen to us .. I know I am coming off a bit strong here , but honestly ..reading it , and having followed this with you over the months , it affected me badly reading what she is saying to you now ..she is vile and by god I try and see the good in everything and everyone ..and you are a beautiful human being ...

 

I don' feel sorry for her ..she has a family ..children are a blessing , and she isnt the first or last to have to go it alone with kids ..she knew what she was doing when she opened her legs .... please ..PLEASE ..walk away ...

 

I apologise for my lack of support to you darling xxxx

 

 

edit to say ...she didnt ask the other bloke she was seeing because she knows you are the pushover here ..thats how dire her life is ..as you say pregnant and has two kids ..and still dating men !!!! she knows you are the only one stupid enough to bail her out and she must be over 3 months pregnant ....not good at all ... aborting after 3 months .

[Shane Falco]

There are no mixed signals dude. She's told you repeatedly that she doesn't love you and she's using you for money. It's as plain as day. That was a sad read. She's not your lover, she's not your friend, she's simply using you. That was a cringeworthy read. You aren't even in the friend zone at this point -- you're in the sucker zone. I mean, you have to stop enabling her. This is bad, bad, bad news.

 

I was hoping that you had move forward. Not only have you not, you are running backwards at warp speed. Please stop being such a doormat.

[pippy longstocking]

There are no mixed signals dude. She's told you repeatedly that she doesn't love you and she's using you for money. It's as plain as day. That was a sad read. She's not your lover, she's not your friend, she's simply using you. That was a cringeworthy read. You aren't even in the friend zone at this point -- you're in the sucker zone. I mean, you have to stop enabling her. This is bad, bad, bad news.

 

I was hoping that you had move forward. Not only have you not, you are running backwards at warp speed. Please stop being such a doormat.

 

thank god you are here ..now sort him out shane please ..this is so so bad ...I cant bear to see all this unfold.

[csdude55]

I have little doubt that you're right, Star. I'm really not arguing with any of you on this one, because you're all echoing what I was thinking. My other friend was sowing seeds of doubt, though, and that's why I came here. You guys are traditionally pretty cynical, but you all said the same thing that I've been thinking.

 

 

and she must be over 3 months pregnant ....not good at all ... aborting after 3 months .

 

No, in my area you can't abort after the first trimester. She told me that she was pregnant on Feb 9, so I think she's closer to 2 months.