Never dating again?!

[LoLo22]

Hello all.

 

About 8 months ago, I said goodbye to my very first love due to his neglect, lack of effort and the fact that I was basically his "side chick". With him, I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable, trusting and happy, which is something I've never done with any other guy and he went and broke my heart. I can now say that I'm over most of the heartache, even though every now and then I think about all the good times we shared and some of the sadness comes flooding back. There were 8 other men before him, and each ended relationship was worse then the last, my first love being the very worst. Tired of being taken advantage of, used and neglected, one of my New Years resolutions was to swear off men for a year...for many reasons, but mostly because I'm always holding a new hand (need to learn to be alone) and that I'm scared to date now.

 

It's unrealistic to say that I'm never going to date again, but I'm afraid to be put in the same situation I'm always put in (used, being a "side chick" and etc), so i know I'm not going to be dating for a while due to fear. what I need help with is breaking out of this fear for when I'm actually ready to date again. The heartbreak my previous relationships has worn me but but the heartbreak from my first love has damaged and ruined me. It has turned me into a person I'd didn't want to be. I now have the mentality that, most men out there are going to hurt me and that most men can't be trusted. I hate this way of thinking and it's not me, but in the back of my mind, these thoughts haunt me.

 

How do I break out of this way of thinking? How do I trust again? How can I protect my heart from further heartbreak?

[Coldarmy13]

Other than not dating until youre ready for the risk?

 

Cannot protect your heart otherwise.

[leseine7]

It's awesome of you to know enough about yourself from these experiences to want to take responsibility, and time to learn. So my advice is just to really use this time being everything to yourself that you want in a partner. Do lots of things that help you feel happy, confident, loved, etc. and learn to be the boyfriend where there is none. You will not feel lonely. Also, take this time to learn a little about what you actually do want in a partner that your previous ones haven't had. Really use this time strictly, and then when you are ready to date again (and make sure you're really ready, not just taking a year and then saying 'ok time to date!' - you have all the time in the world), pay attention to what you're attracted to and see if you notice any trends that are similar to your exes. If so, be strong enough to move on from those guys and keep an eye out for the ones who would be a healthier match.

 

I just deleted the number of a guy in my phone who I'd been seeing for a month after doing similar work, because he showed me just ONE sign he's probably like my ex. In the past I would have given another chance, and it would have been the start of a year-long battle of wits. So, for me, as much as it sucked to see that I feel really good to have seen that pattern right away after learning the hard lessons.

[LoLo22]

Thank you so much for your advice, leseine7

[annie24]

I think you just have to keep your eyes open, keep your walls up before you fall for them, and really heed the warning signs (when/if they happen).

[LoLo22]

Thank you annie

[jimthzz]

You can protect yourself with some common sense without becoming completely cynical about men.

 

if you meet someone, look into what is known about them. See if he is in touch with his family, has a decent job, has friends. The usual stuff. And take the time to get to know him and get a vibe about whether he is a player or not.

 

These are the same rules for checking out a lady to see if she is not going to mess with your heart that a guy has go through.

[Mari]

Whats' a "side chick"? How do you become one and how long does it take before it happens to you?

[UnluckyLove]

I'm in the same boat as you are, but the sexes are reversed. I feel like the only way I can ever trust anyone to ever think about dating again is to be friends with them first, then see how it goes from there. It's a sad/hard way to go about it and maybe my mind is just putting up walls right now. We all heal eventually, maybe not 100%, but enough to move on.

[LoLo22]

Mari,

 

A "side chick" is "The other woman; also known as the mistress; a female that is neither a male's wife or girlfriend who has relations with the male while he is in another relationship".

 

I don't know how long it takes for it to happen...but, This has only happened to me twice. I'm always led to believe that I'm the only one until I find out after the break up that I wasn't.

 

The first time, I was dating my cousin's boyfriend's friend and it was my cousin's boyfriend who pulled me aside and told me he was involved with someone else and that I should leave. The second time, with my first love, he posted a picture of another girl on Facebook one week after we broke up and the caption let me know he was with her the entire time -_-

[LoLo22]

Thank you, UnluckyLove

[Mari]

Mari,

 

A "side chick" is "The other woman; also known as the mistress; a female that is neither a male's wife or girlfriend who has relations with the male while he is in another relationship".

 

I don't know how long it takes for it to happen...but, This has only happened to me twice. I'm always led to believe that I'm the only one until I find out after the break up that I wasn't.

 

The first time, I was dating my cousin's boyfriend's friend and it was my cousin's boyfriend who pulled me aside and told me he was involved with someone else and that I should leave. The second time, with my first love, he posted a picture of another girl on Facebook one week after we broke up and the caption let me know he was with her the entire time -_-

 

Thanks for the explanation. So I'm going to suggest that instead of giving up on men altogether, please look for men that haven't broken up with someone else recently and do not long for someone else. This way you can avoid being a side chick, honestly the first time you said it I thought he was some superhero and you were his side chick.

 

The other suggestion I have is that please start dating someone as soon as your heart has healed. Not all men out there are scum and there should be more less scummier men that don't have as much baggage at your age of 23 years old. If you start swearing off of men and decide to wait until way later then the pool of men that don't have experience with someone else starts to decline. And you want pools to be bigger, and not like kiddie pools with like one decent guy swimming in that pool.

 

As far as trusting someone goes try to scope down the damage to trusting that one guy and try not to generalize to all guys. New guy, new bond of trust. Also, is there a pattern you can see in the kind of guys you hook up with? What do they say that gets you interested in them? Do they all hang out near a used car dealership? I mean, there's gotta be a pattern or maybe it is just 10 random problems. Also is there someone else that is more available to you that you could really see yourself being with if they looked better? Thanks again for the response.

[LoLo22]

Also, is there a pattern you can see in the kind of guys you hook up with? What do they say that gets you interested in them? Do they all hang out near a used car dealership? I mean, there's gotta be a pattern or maybe it is just 10 random problems.

 

Now that I think about it, the only pattern I notice is the guy is normally good at flirting, he has charm and he would be spontaneous with his flirtation and charm. I guess I was blinded by charm

[annie24]

The first time, I was dating my cousin's boyfriend's friend and it was my cousin's boyfriend who pulled me aside and told me he was involved with someone else and that I should leave. The second time, with my first love, he posted a picture of another girl on Facebook one week after we broke up and the caption let me know he was with her the entire time -_-

 

 

Yikes glad he told you!!!

 

LoLo - other things to watch out for:

 

1) by 2-3 months, you should be meeting his friends/coworkers. it doesn't have to be a big deal, but after a few months of hanging out, it's only natural to be invited to a group event or a double date. This is also important because people close to him will know if he has someone else (like the cousin's bf told you).

 

2) I think after a few months of dating, he should have invited you over. if a guy doesn't invite you over, he may already be in a relationship. (an exception to the rule: I dated a man for almost 2 months, met his friends, went to his place. I found out AFTER we broke up that he was married, and his wife lived in their home country. )

 

3) Listen to your gut and make sure that his stories are making sense. No one has to answer the phone or text all the time, but if his stories sound strange or convoluted why he can't see you or why he didn't call back, then that's bad. Listen to your gut!

[LoLo22]

Thank you annie. I agree, especially with #3 and it wasn't until after I broke up with my first love that I fully realized that his excuses didn't add up. We would schedule a day to see each other (because we lived in 2 different cities) and I'd text him throughout the day just to make sure that we were still on for our date and he wouldn't respond until it was too late. He'd always have an excuse like "i was busy" or "something came up"...deep down I was worried that there was someone else, but I loved him so much I decided to ignore my gut feeling. I also wanted to be the "understanding girlfriend" because I knew his life got hectic at times, but that was no excuse. I loved him so much that i made excuses for his excuses.

 

I'm sorry about #2 and the guy being married, that must have been awful

[annie24]

well, we didn't date too long. we broke up when he said some kind of strange things to me (he was getting a new phone number because he didn't like his cell phone carrier, he was closing his bank account because his bank charged him too much money, and he was changing his car license plates because he was selling the car to his brother). I was like.... uh..... what's going on? he said, 'why do you ask so many questions????" uhm. that was the last time we talked. I don't know what he was up to, but the whole thing was weird. Maybe he was trying to hide funds from someone? i dunno. in any case, weird stories = better to break up.

[LoLo22]

in any case, weird stories = better to break up.

 

I'll keep that in mind for my next relationship. Thanks again

[Avro1986]

Hello! I am a man and can relate to your experience (I am 28). I dated a woman for 3 months and thought (naively) that she was the "one". Actually, to be honest, she was the first woman with whom I felt so deeply connected. We talked about so many personal things and withheld sex for 2 weeks. I truly cared for her and wasn't in a rush. Just like you, I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable and trusting (I had been hurt in the past badly). She said that she loved me, wanted to be my woman and be there for me no matter what. Apparently, she had been cheated on several times and "had never felt so safe with someone like me." I felt that we had something real. Needless to say, I was kicked out of PhD program because of my supervisor just before the holidays. I was crushed as hell and was expecting support from my "amazing" girlfriend. Very little. Once the holidays came, she switched her attention elsewhere. She broke up after the holidays. I was extremely upset because she had promised me two days earlier that she loved and gave me her word that she would support me. I called her on her lie, and she didn't respect me enough to apologize. She abandoned me in a very dark time because we had been fighting a lot over this and she found that it "wasn't normal". Moreover, she told me that "I wasn't the first person who had been asked to leave their PhD studies." I was shacking with rage and dismay. She added that she had to focus on her career and couldn't help me. I wondered: how did she go from loving and nurturing to a callous and narcissistic ? Answer: she has always been the later and had simply been good at hiding it to use me.

 

After the break up, I started to see a psychologist once a week to help me through this ordeal and here is what she told me (150$/hour):

1) There is no way in hell that you can love someone that fast. It's naive to think otherwise.

2) You need to let people prove to you that they are worth your trust. You need a large "sample size" of actions to speak for themselves, not words. That way you can build something meaningful with the right person.

3) Successful long-term relationships need 3 things: A) physical attraction B) friendship C) set of common values

4) Express feelings with "I" statements. This accomplished two things. A) You can express your feelings accurately and respectfully B) It enables to trigger empathy in the other person, if she is capable. If it is the case, she will try to correct the situation. If not, then you don't need people like them to start with.

 

I am still recovering. I have to admit, I am scared of being hurt again, but my psychologist told me that I need to get out there and use 2) and 4). That way, you can filter out all the s and build something meaningful with a good perosn. I would recommend that.

[LoLo22]

I'm sorry for what happened with you and your relationship, but thanks for the advice! I'll remember all this in the future.

[No1]

LoLo..

I was in NYC one day and I decided to take a 'short cut' and walked thru this super dark alley, I made it about half way where I was confronted by ohhhh 10 people who said 'Give me what you got' a few bruises later I made it out of the alley.

Now, which statement makes the most sense? "Ill never walk again" or "Ill never walk in public again" or "Ill never walk in NYC again" or "Ill never walk down that dark alley again"?

It would be silly for me to say Ill never walk again, so if Im out in a city walking around, just dont go down a dark alley. Then I reduce the odds that Ill get mugged..

Same with you, you worry about having that happen again, but think about it, there were signs there were tells, warnings, flags about what was going on, much like my dark alley.

So the next time you see those signs, flags and warnings you get out of the situation. I cant guarantee you wont get hurt, but the same thing wont happen to you again.

[AutumnBorn]

The period of time I wasn't dating anybody was the best period in my life. I spent my time working, taking classes, hanging out with my friends, going on road trips, watching chick flicks with my daughter, volunteering. I don't remember ever feeling lonely and was only alone when I wanted to be - my house was the gathering place for all my single girlfriends. Enjoy this time.

[Mari]

Now that I think about it, the only pattern I notice is the guy is normally good at flirting, he has charm and he would be spontaneous with his flirtation and charm. I guess I was blinded by charm

 

See there you go Now all you have to do is go with someone that has horrible charm and is awful at flirting. Then, if you can handle his lack of charm, you will know that he can't possibly get with someone else because of his lack of charm. Thus you can ensure that you won't be a side chick. Or maybe skip that and just go with someone with more integrity who still has charm. Totally agree with Annie's advice though. I hope that works out for you.

[JA0371]

Take your time.....LoTS of time before sleeping with someone. Yes, having sex with someone does cause some people to throw common sense out the window. Im guilty of it too. So get to know someone very well first. Talk.......a lot. Spend time doing various things in different environments, so you can gauge their true character. Meet people that they know and see the types of people theyhang around with. This will tell you a lot as well. In short......just take your time. As much time as is comfortable for YOU. You set the tone and pace of your relationships.

 

Also, write a list of absolute dealbreakers, that no matter what, you won't compromise yourself for...and stick to it.

[Ms Darcy]

Other than not dating until youre ready for the risk?

 

Cannot protect your heart otherwise.

 

I respectfully disagree. There's plenty you can do. First, get yourself in therapy. This is a good way to talk to a professional who can give you insight on the types of men you choose and positive behaviors to start practicing. Speaking of men you chose, what struck me is that the guy wasn't making an effort. You have to learn how to observe their behavior and determine whether that is acceptable to you. If not then you can walk away.

[LoLo22]

Take your time.....LoTS of time before sleeping with someone. Yes, having sex with someone does cause some people to throw common sense out the window. Im guilty of it too. So get to know someone very well first. Talk.......a lot. Spend time doing various things in different environments, so you can gauge their true character. Meet people that they know and see the types of people theyhang around with. This will tell you a lot as well. In short......just take your time. As much time as is comfortable for YOU. You set the tone and pace of your relationships.

 

Also, write a list of absolute dealbreakers, that no matter what, you won't compromise yourself for...and stick to it.

 

I think that was one of the problems too. Fine, we talked often on the phone (because he lived in a different city), we'd text and we tried to see each other as much as possible, but to this day...a part of me feels that I should have slowed down even more. Taking my time was good advice, thank you, along with writing down deal breakers (I never really gave deal breakers much thought)