imbalanced Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Oh my! What am I to do? I'm 45, male, attractive, ambitious, good looking and intelligent (despite how predictive text makes me seem like a moron), and I'm feeling pressure to settle. I'm with someone, for two and a half years, who has two boys 10 and 9, and 60% of the time I am not happy. But, she says she wants us to get a house, in the trendy area I like so much, and she will help support my hobbies and love me forever. Problem is..... This sounds great, but I know I would be settling. I'm not into this woman as much anymore. I don't spend te with the kids and actually am just only an authority figure to them. Any body want to comment? Any ladies think I should work on creating the perfect love instead of trying to find the perfect love? Any men think I would be happy settling if I can get my emotional, mental needs met through hobbies and social as well as career life? I've recently had someone tell me recently that I am a great catch and should move on. In my thirties that seemed to be OK. At 45 I'm worried I don't have many options and could end up alone. Link to comment
luminousone Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Absolutely do not buy a house and get married if you feel that way. Please do that woman and her kids a favor and break up for good. It is not fair to hang on to the relationship if you don't see a healthy future with her. She is trying to buy your love with promises of supporting your hobbies but in the end she will be resentful that you are not in love with her and you will feel resentful of the expectations involved. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 60% of the time I am not happy. I know I would be settling. I'm not into this woman as much anymore. I don't spend te with the kids and actually am just only an authority figure to them. All of this sounds like a recipe for disaster, not only for you, but for everybody. Also, it is very unfair to all involved, including yourself. I would walk away from this disaster in the making. I would never, ever, settle for someone who I am not into anymore and where I am more unhappy than happy. I can't get my head around WHY anyone would do that to themselves and others. I'd be far happier single, but that's just me. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Break up with her. She deserves better and you should be alone if you are unhappy. Link to comment
toby17 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 If you think you're settling, then I think you're doing you both a disservice by staying. If love hasn't developed in 1.5 years, I don't think it will, it's only going to get worse. If you're 45 and you still haven't found someone who's good enough, do you think you might have an issue? People who look for a perfect person are often not as happy in their love lives as people who are happy with good enough. Which one do you think you are? Link to comment
zebragirl Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 No no no. I am a 33 yo woman and I am telling you please done settle. 45 is not old . You can still find passion, chemistry, love and a relationship that means the world to you . Don't settle just because of your age. Don't settle at all. You still have half your life left to enjoy with someone. Don't settle Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 How many "relationships" have ended for you due to 60% of the time you find you're not happy? I'm asking because I'm tending to think that either you're: 1. Picking the same type of woman to not be happy with. 2. You are self-sabotaging 3. You're simply not interested in being in anything permanent. Because those that are " attractive, ambitious, good looking and intelligent" more times then not have found themselves with many options. As for this particular girl and this situation; I think you shouldn't settle either but while you're single you should work on figuring yourself out so that you're not leaving broken hearts in your quest to find the truth. Link to comment
1Love1 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 You've blatantly stated that you would be settling. Not that you fear you 'might be' settling. Huge difference. So in that case, give the lady a chance to find someone worth her time and let her go Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 There really isn't enough backstory to give a full answer... Firstly, you should not buy a house with anyone who you are not married to (business partnerships aside), or are not engaged to with the date looming very quickly (and certainly.) Also...is this her way of proposing to you? Would you want to still date her if she hadn't mentioned this? Do you feel rushed or intimidated? Why are you not happy? You have to answer that question whether you stay with her or not. Is it because you don't like the idea of being a stepdad (or not really - you will just be the live in boyfriend), is it because you feel there are things unfinished in your life that has nothing to do with her, has life gotten routine, or are there other things about her that make you not think she is the one? And what does "settling" mean - do you feel you should be with someone more attractive, who has a freer schedule, or are they more realistic expectations? At 45, you should not settle. There are plenty of intelligent, attractive men who meet, fall in love and marry at 45-50 years old - sometimes with a young wife and they have a baby, sometimes with someone close to their age. But you will not meet someone new and have a lasting relationship if you don't address why you are not happy. If its something unfinished about yourself - then you should deal with it yourself through counseling, travel or whatever that might be. If you are scared of tying yourself down to one woman, but love her, then maybe you should spend a little more time at this relationship to figure it out. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Any ladies think I should work on creating the perfect love instead of trying to find the perfect love? You should do this everyday -- even if you are with the woman who you feel is the love of your life. There is no "perfect" love - so get that out of your head. Even though my bf and I are very compatible and understand eachother, a longterm relationship takes work. Sometimes it feels effortless, sometimes it takes effort to understand the other person, but its all worth it. We work on our relationship by making sure we do occasionally have real old fashioned date nights, have alone time without the other parts of the family, work on talking out our feelings, and work towards goals together. We also are accessible to one another in times of crisis or grief. A relationship is not a product and you are a consumer who is not happy so can return it to the store. There are plenty of times where we could have messed things up even if we are compatible - we put energy into it. It seems like she wants to 'tie you down" because she is not sure of your intentions or wants to show her love for you by solving your need of wanting to be in that trendy part of town and needing time and space and maybe money for your hobbies. I don't know which because I don't know her. I think if you stay, you need to communicate better and tell her that buying a house with her is not something you want to do at this time. Sometimes women move in with guys because they feel that is all the guy is willing to give, fyi. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 So you are not really in to her. She also has children with another man who you don't seem that thrilled about. You should leave her, but do, actually leave her. Don't keep dating her. Cut her loose. I'm not sure what being attractive, ambitious, good looking (mentioned your looks twice) and intelligent have to do with this, other than you should be able to find someone worthy very soon after you break up given you have all of these traits. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 One, marriages based on "settling" because there's nothing else out there at the moment OR two, because it's what others expect of you is one of the reasons this country has such a high divorce rate. And my first marriage was such a marriage and it lasted ten years, because we were not evil people, but still it wasn't a great relationship and it was dragging us both down until the ex and I called it quits. I was his "good enough I guess" and he was mine, because we were both convinced we'd never find better. But we did, myself in my 50s, him in his 40s with a whole lot of fun and interesting and yes heartbreaking relationships in between our marriage to each other and then our current spouses. Never just "settle," you either love someone and you're with them and have their back and you're a team and then you jump into marriage OR you let her go to find a man who will give her what she wants and you look for a woman who will give you what you want. The wrong time to say "I never loved you, you know" is on the wrong side of ten years down the road when you're tempted into an affair and/or divorce that for her comes out of the blue, because you never voiced how you felt. So get off this board already and go talk to her. We can give you advice, but you are a grown man and as such should be able to sit down and tell this woman it's not going to happen and face the music fairly then let her go to move on while you do the same. Because trust me, while that's going to hurt it's nowhere near what it is when the above scenario happens and it will happen if this is how you truly feel about her and kids. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Also, I might add I will forever be grateful to myself that I never "settled" again and instead chose being a single mother for several decades over just settling. It brought me to the most amazing man, the best relationship, and a marriage that will likely last until death really does do us part. Sure it takes patience and sometimes it sucked not having anyone, but being alone is not the horrible thing that we all get shoved in our faces for it to be and I think it's a major flaw if you can't be happy and have a life outside of depending on a relationship to define you solely and exclusively to everything else. Just my two bits as a woman who settled then didn't. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Be fearless in your belief that you will find what you want. If you weren't afraid, you wold be gone already. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 60% of the time I am not happy. Don't do it. Locking yourself into someone else's picture of you is the most dismal mistake you can make. Get brave, and move forward. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 If you say you are unhappy with the situation 60% of the time you are mostly unhappy with her. It makes no sense to try to settle down with someone who makes you more unhappy than happy. If you were happy with the situation 85% of the time you might find a way to negotiating to improve the situation, but at only happy 40% of the time, this is actually just a really bad match and you should break up and keep looking. Note that people get married all throughout their lives, and you can and will find someone who is better suited to you if you get out and look and don't waste more time with someone who isn't right for you. Link to comment
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