Need to vent on the romance front

[Coily]

OK, I'm in a rather unhappy place at the moment, and I really need to just rant and rave a bit; for my own peace of mind.

 

So since the new year I have been on a small spate of dates, they were going nowhere from my point of view. I wanted a kiss cheek or lips on the second date and she didn't; which I respect, but I couldn't see investing more time than I had. I was doing 100% of the initiation of contact and planning and without some sort of go ahead I didn't want to spend more time on her.

 

I got stood up, by a seemingly lovely lady; so I was not too enthusiastic about the female sex after that. She completely ghosted on me, not even a "No thanks."

 

On line dating has been a seeming waste of time and effort, though I have not been going for the 50:1 or 100:1 odds and maybe I should.

 

I have exhausted the few friends I genuinely in making it clear that I'm looking, as they know no single women who meet my general criteria aka without kids.

 

I started 2015 with lots of optimism and it has been crushed up to this point. I have become very frustrated with both the women who have shown interest in me and also myself for laying too much hop into starting a relationship this year. I have been trying to break out of my ruts of the past, partially restricted by work and mostly by my damnable shyness. I feel absolutely at a loss as how to deal with the women of this era, I am all for strong capable women; but I feel like I am running into women who see men as nothing more than a means to create offspring not a loving relationship; nothing where "she" and I could grow together.

 

Please don't misconstrue this as anti-woman, more I feel lost and unable to make myself and my values fit into the current dating market.

[Ms Darcy]

I have been trying to break out of my ruts of the past, partially restricted by work and mostly by my damnable shyness. I feel like I am running into women who see men as nothing more than a means to create offspring not a loving relationship; nothing where "she" and I could grow together.

 

I'm not sure how you can come to this conclusion if you aren't getting dates with women and, if you are, it's only 1-2 dates.

 

I don't think having the goal of getting into a relationship this year is a good one. It's dependent upon another person. I would say just becoming more comfortable with asking women out this year is a good goal. I know countless shy/socially awkward guys who are single. The more confident ones who are fine with approaching women tend to have gfs or wives.

 

If women are interested in you but you aren't in them, I *tend* to have a little less sympathy. I am still sympathetic, of course, but in those cases I tend to see average/below average looking guys interested in women far more attractive than they are. Not saying this is the case, but just putting it out there.

 

Bottom line is you have to approach women. And doing it in real life is a really good idea.

[Deciduous]

Hi Coily,

 

You have my every sympathy.

 

These are very common feelings. There isn't a person who hasn't gone through the dreaded dating doldrums, when looking for real love. And yes, it does cause you to despair and think "maybe I'm never gonna meet a person who really rocks my world both mentally and physically. Maybe I'm destined to end up a lonely old man, or worse settle for some-one I have little to no interest in."

 

And so the negative fantasies keep coming. You become anxious, mentally drained and find it is difficult to keep positive or hopeful.

 

In those circumstances, what's really important, is to take a step back and some time to re-calibrate. You need a break to recover your momentum. At the moment you are emotionally exhausted by the dating-merry-go-round. If you continue at this point, when you are feeling like this, it is likely that you will continue to attract more of the same.

 

Its almost like that negative energy just draws in more negative experiences. Believe me I have been there. Give yourself a time limit. Say that you will pause on the dating quest until September - to focus and build on other aspects of your life.

 

Have you ever had the experience where you go to bed feeling bummed about a minor irritation, then woken up in the morning feeling tons better about the situation - or even having the solution. That's because you've had distance, to break the spiral of circular negative thoughts, that whips itself up into a frenzy of despair - and blocks all answers.

 

This is what is required now. You've been burned by the dating circuit - your feelings have been hurt. Allow room to feel and process your disappointment. To do that you need to pull back for now, heal, then force your attention elsewhere for a while - before coming back swinging.

 

You are out of gas at the moment and you need time to re-charge.

 

Deci xxx

[Rosti87]

I would also like to add the children issue that you are not interested in (I don't want women with children and women only want to make children) may narrow your dating pool depending what age range of women you are seeking.

 

If you are focusing on women in their 30s in particular you are going to run into women either with children or wanting children. Do you put your specifications around these preferences on your profile?

[Coily]

I should clarify a few points; the dates all two of them back in January, I did get felt like a millstone around my neck by the end of them. And better put my goal is to ask women more, not to find that magic bullet a lot of people think a relationship is.

 

As to the children I really try to avoid women with kids; I briefly dated a woman with a kid years ago and while it made me want kids of my own, I realized that I didn't want to be just a passerby in a child's life and potentially screwing them up if/when the relationship ended.

 

Deci I think you hit the nail on the head, I have a lot of negative influences in my own mind and in my surroundings right now leading to self fulfilling failures when I strike out in the dating world.

 

Thanks to you all, I really needed to vent ENA has been a good place to get out of my own head.

[ParisPaulette]

Ah Coily, don't give up okay? You will yes, likely have to date a few dead ends, and yeah even maybe more than a few, before you find someone you click with. And I always give the advice to join activities you love to do and find people that way, it seems a better chance of finding someone.

 

Online dating is a crapshoot and more, not less activity, is usually what you have to do for that. I'd say just relax, enjoy the time, try not to put so much attention on finding someone as just meeting future friends. And I say that as a woman who spent a whole lot of years single between two marriages. I would say to mix the online and other dating in with things you want to do anyways, not just for the sake of that. That way even if they don't show up or they're awful you can still enjoy the show or tell them it's not working out, send them on their merry way, then enjoy a margarita at the bar and chat with the bartender who might just know someone cool to introduce you to--happened to me.

 

In short, rather than bemoan what you don't have try enjoying what you do have. It's frustrating and exhausting to focus your energiess on something that can prove well, somewhere between daunting and elusive, so my best advice is to simply enjoy the ride in whatever form it takes and see where the day takes you. It's the only way your'e going to hold on to your sanity or yeah, it can be soul and ego-crushing.

 

And if kids are a no deal for you that will narrow the pool, but it's still not an unheard of by a long shot. Plenty of women out there don't want or have kids, you just need to work a bit more to find them, but they are out there.

[catfeeder]

Are your first meetings with these women full on dates?

 

I'd skip that--it's expensive and draining.

 

People are using dating sites to set up the internet version of speed dating. You limit your radius to reasonable geography, you screen for basic compatibility and as much attraction as you can glean from pictures, you limit messaging and phone convos to avoid fantasy-building, and you set up a time and place to grab a quick coffee or ice cream and check one another out.

 

Limit this initial meet to 20 to 30 minutes. Neither can corner the other to ask for a 'real' date on the spot, but if either is interested in setting up an actual date, he or she can contact the other afterward. The other can respond if the answer is yes, or simply not reply if the answer is no--so outright rejection gets taken off the table.

 

You might find this to be an easier experience, especially if you consider that it's a numbers thing. Most people are simply NOT our match. Any rejection should be considered the limits of another's ability to view you through the right lens.

 

True simpatico is rare, but if finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

 

Head high.

[cbh1979]

Any rejection should be considered the limits of another's ability to view you through the right lens.

I love this...thank you for it. Very true.

 

Coily, I know where you're coming from. I'm shy, too, and am just out of a brief relationship begun online where it was clear she was looking WAY down the road and not at the here and now in terms of growing the relationship. It happens. You have to go into online dating, especially, with absolutely no expectations whatsoever. You never know what the other person is bringing to the table in terms of their past, their own experiences, their own expectations...you don't know what's going on in their head. Don't invest anything in that initial get together.

 

And frankly, it might be necessary to take a break every once in awhile. It's really easy to get burned out on it because it really is a numbers game. You're going to meet people you don't want to see anymore, and vice versa...that's just the way it is. Over a span of a few months this fall, I had 5 meetups with online dates. With 2 of them, she had interest in another date but I did not; with another, neither one of us wanted to get together again. I did see the other two more than once, but you just never know. Don't let it get you down.