Texting a Women he said he Wouldn't Text Anymore | Sharing Our Sex Life with Ex

[tattoobunnie]

Last year, a text came in around 11:30pm at night on my husband's phone. Thought it might be an emergency, since it was late, took a look, and noticed it was an unnamed number with a long string of texts back and forth. It didn't seem like much, just peculiar, since I've never heard about that person. I show my husband, and inquire, and he tells me it's a girl who use to have a crush on him in H.S., and him and his friend had been texting her back because as a joke at first. She would go on and on how she wanted to run away with them (and she had been facebook chatting with them both, but they both shared notes.).

 

It's one thing if he told me about it, then we could have laughed about it...but he would regularly text together, all before I caught this. He texted her to never text him again, and unfriended her on Facebook. I gave him a hard time for a few days, asked him to leave, but he stayed quiet, and stayed. We make up. I forgive him. He tells me his therapist said it's from his PTSD (or something like that).

 

Last night, he had gotten a few calls that he didn't answer. Thought it might be his mom (who's crazy), and wanted to see if she sent another crazy text message. I see as the last message from an unnamed number, and it was really wacked.

 

It said,

Her: Make it stop! !!

Him: This is just the tip

Him: It won't stop until its balls deep

Him: Another day home with the girls?

Her: Yup

 

I ask him about it, and tells me it's her again, and he's not sure why she's texting again. But what good guy in their right mind texts another women behind my back, "It won't stop until its balls deep"?

 

Immaturely, I text that woman to stop texting my husband. And she texts my husband about my text, "I got a text from either your wife or your friend's girlfriend. Never text me again. She's a crazy b****." This is the first and only time I've ever contacted her.

 

I am upset, so I look through his phone to see that he called his ex a few weeks ago that he still has unresolved issues with.

 

I told him I didn't want to talk to him about it at the moment, but he wanted to too, and demanded that we do at that moment. I know it wasn't a good idea to do so, because I'm still reeling how he's doing things behind my back.

 

Even though they are not regular friends, and do lunch, he told me that he couldn't tell me things, and really wants us to have another baby together, but the not sure why it's hard for him to get an erection at night. That maybe it's stress, and pressure.

 

The problem is though, it's not like he came to me, and decided to talk to me about things. It took for me to find out he's texting this woman, for him to tell me all the intimate things he shared with his ex.

 

Honestly, last night, I could care less how he's telling his ex how bad he has it. All I could say back was, "if she texts you again, I'm gonna throw paint on her car, and her face." Dumb, but that's how I felt.

 

Granted, I totally snub what he shares, but I didn't care. He leaves the bedroom. Sleeps downstairs.

 

I leave a note asking him how he would feel if I was texting some guy who had a crush on me behind his back, or calling my ex, and telling him intimate details about our sex life.

 

The begininng lines:

Everytime you call LiX, you tell her how back you have it. Everytime you text or chat with LaXXXX, you tell her what little respect you have for my boundaries.

 

The end line: He was untrustworthy. I ask him to leave. That forgiving him the first time was pathetic on my part.

 

Honestly, I feel calm, like I've had enough, and just moving on. Is that a sign that know it's a bad guy? I feel like he's just an entity, like it doesn't matter. I guess I am ambivalent because it's not the first time.

[mhowe]

I think you've reached your limit.

[greta96]

Time to call it a day and move on. This person just can't be trusted, not now not ever. There's nothing to debate or ponder, his behavior is/was beyond disturbing, get out of it now for your own sanity.

[James2014]

I'm sorry to hear he treated you like that and you no doubt deserve better. I agree with the above poster that there is nothing to debate or ponder. There's room for forgiveness the first time but if his untrustworthy ways are ongoing then I feel that you made the right choice.

 

Take care

[sophie274]

I have a different opinion.

 

I understand why you're annoyed that he's texting that girl - and I also understand you asking him to stop (and I would do the same) - but it sounds like he's just bored, not that he's striking up a romance with her. I didn't read any of his messages as flirtatious. I thought his use of those sexual expressions was gross, but if I understood the messages correctly, he was saying that as a metaphor, not actually talking about them having sex, right?

 

I would also be very upset about him talking to his ex about intimate details of your life. But what you wrote gave me the strong impression that he doesn't feel he can talk to you, honestly, and that's why he talked to her. Doesn't make it right, doesn't make it helpful. But I think there is A LOT more going on here than him being a future cheater flirting with women behind your back. It sounds like your marriage has some serious issues, but issues you can fix, and it does seem like a shame to kick him out instead of trying to work on some of the underlying issues, particularly since you have a young child together. It sounds like there are some big issues with your sex life, and I've also read on here in other threads that you lost respect for him because of his work situation (forgive me if I'm misremembering)? It sounds to me like you don't respect him as a partner - even before any of this happened (unless there were other incidents you haven't mentioned?).

 

This seems precipitous to me.

[tattoobunnie]

He finally got a great job, and started last month, and has been working hard. Although, supporting his part-time career over the years where our kid was in daycare and having my dad watch him two days a week, we gave him ample room to figure what he wanted to do.

 

Hearing that his ex from years ago, who lied about how she had leukemia, all the while was engaged to get married to some other guy, all while telling him that she missed him, has been his confidant, is a slap in the face. That he's getting marriage advice from someone who is a giant liar, and calling him behind her fiance's back.

 

Maybe I am in denial, hence why I'm not going ape-crazy. I sent copies to her husband of the text and the facebook string conversation my husband had with his friend about the woman. We both feel bad. He told me he's must be doing something wrong for her to do what she's done. But you can't make people happy, or do the right thing. My husband and her knew it was wrong, and doing it anyway. He deleted the other messages, so I'm not sure what else has been said.

 

The ironic part is, a half hour before I discovered their texts, I said "I love you," and he told me that he loved me too, and we kissed.

 

I am not sure if there is room in my heart for this kind of behavior.

 

He left this morning, taking our little one to daycare, and we didn't look at or say anything to each other. He did take my note with him.

 

I should also add we had sex twice this week.

[tattoobunnie]

Okay, now a wave of sadness is taking over. I'm at work now...feel like going home. Not sure what going home would do for me though.

[Andrina]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. There are men who like to have a harem, have no appropriate boundaries, and will never be happy with the attention of only one woman. I would have suggested marriage counseling, but I don't really think that men like this change. This is their poor ethics. If you get a divorce, in the future when you're ready to date again, I would choose a man who only hangs out with guy friends and doesn't keep in touch with exes. I made this a priority in choosing my future husband, and cut off men I dated if they engaged in activities like your husband. Keep cutting the losers loose until you find a man who will make you a priority and treat you like you should be treated. You have a rough road ahead, but you will survive this and eventually heal. Take care.

[abitbroken]

I think if its true him and his buddy are just egging her on, it shows a real lack of respect for another person and that would bother me - whether they were egging on a girl who had had a crush on one or both of them and is thinking a missed chance has been rekindled or it was a man that they were egging on - someone who wanted to be part of the popular crowd and they are making him think that they are going to hire him, are his friends, etc. It could verge on the edge of bullying if that is the case. In that case, I would call him out for being a jerk and would stand in sisterly support of the other woman and share your feelings with him on how insensitive it is.

 

I would set a firm boundary and tell him why its uncool to share personal details without your knowledge or consent, how leading her on, even if he doesn't want her is cruel, and that you would like him to stop communicating - for you.

 

Granted, I totally snub what he shares, but I didn't care. He leaves the bedroom. Sleeps downstairs.

 

Stop snubbing your husband. Listen to what he wants to emotionally share. Yes, it is wrong for him to be chatting with other people, but you are stonewalling him when he wants to share. He is either telling you he can't share things with you as a manipulative thing to say - or he is being sincere that he can't share anything with you because you snub him and don't really care to hear about things at all or because you will flip out.

 

So - i suggest marital counseling. And if you want this situation to get better - listen to his feelings, too. Let him talk - then make a decision. If the problem is that your husband doesn't confide in you - and you shut him out as soon as he does - that is something that you need to fix.

[SooSad33]

And this is your 'husband'? Wow....

 

I'd say enough! As you can't trust the guy. He doesn't seem to 'stable' for a relationship at all! having to be like this with some gal who had the hots for him.. to speaking with an Ex again?

I wouldnt be sticking around long to see what else may surface. That's showing he's not into YOUR 'Relationship', of which he should be! Not other women!

 

Trust isn't there.. is it? Then this relationship is not going to flourish, at all, sadly.

[Ms Darcy]

I am very sorry to hear this and can completely understand why you feel how you feel. I would say that you don't have to make any decisions right now and it's ok to take a little space to process how you are feeling.

[tattoobunnie]

When he came home around 7pm tonight, he went straight downstairs. I led our son to see him a half hour later, so they could spend some time together. Around 8:30pm, I go downstairs to get our son to bed. He doesn't look at me.

 

I put our son to bed, and notice that our window has been leaking from all the snow and ice we've been getting, and placed two pitchers on the sill to collect water. I text him about to see if that would be fine fo now. I hear him checking it, and texts back that it will work for now, and he will double-check again later.

 

I feel strange going downstairs to talk to him, like I would be invading his space. It's been anti-climatic for the most part.

[IAmFCA]

I'm thinking that you are detached now, perhaps as a way to cope with, to filter the volume of emotions that are available to you.

 

He is detached too, enough to need someone to talk with and get affirmation from despite the damage to his marriage to you.

 

When was the last time you felt connected to him, like friends and lovers?

[Tanzi]

tattoobunnie, I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

 

I agree with Andrina ...

 

There are men who like to have a harem, have no appropriate boundaries, and will never be happy with the attention of only one woman. I would have suggested marriage counseling, but I don't really think that men like this change. This is their poor ethics.

 

His behaviour is inappropriate and disrespectful to you. You should never have been put in a position where another woman feels she has the right to text your husband calling you, his wife, a crazy biatch. Jeez, what wife wouldn't feel the way you do? You deserve better than this.

[tattoobunnie]

He is on the roof breaking ice off the gutters. Just watching him prepping to go up there on the inside makes me feel like we should talk.

[Iggles]

tattoobunnie, I'm sorry you going through this. His behavior is awful and very disrespectful.

 

I agree with a previous posted that the two of you seem disconnected. But the fact that he would turn to another woman for emotional intimacy instead of coming to you is a huge violation of trust. I don't believe one should "stay together for the kids" if trust is gone. An unhappy household is not inherently better than two happy separate ones.

 

I think you should follow your gut here. Go talk to him. Have it out and put your cards on the table. If he's not committed to fixing what is broken, reconciliation is not in the cards. But if he can match your honesty or vulnerability, then you two have a chance.

[IAmFCA]

When talking, think seriously about narrowing down what you want to say to the most essential facts. Once he gets flooded with emotions- yours or his - he won't be able to participate. If you feel your emotions - anger, hurt, fear - might come through, then a letter might be helpful, giving you a way to communicate and him a safe way to receive without being on the spot for a response.