chickadeedee Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Couple of comments... Yes, you need to tell him. Once you've slept with a person, they need to know whether you intend to be exclusive, whether you're dating anyone else etc. And you probably should have told him before you slept with him because people can be really hinky on the subject of exes and doing things like jetting off for a vacation with an ex after they've been intimate with you (even if you don't intend to sleep with they ex, he can't be sure of what you'll be doing other than staying in hotels with and spending a lot of time with the ex). Trust is a fragile thing, and depending on his own personal experiences in the past (whether he's cheated or been cheated on) he may or may not be OK with it, but if you DON'T tell him and he finds out about it, he may never trust you and could even dump you over it. So full disclosure and a lot of reassurance that you've been divorced for 8 years and this is strictly a 'for the kids' thing and if you do get more serious in future with him, you'll make sure he is included in family events like this, or you'll stop going with the ex if he really has heartburn about it. But this trip was already planned so you need to follow thru. Next, just sleeping with someone doesn't make it 'more serious.' You can have lots of emotions and hormones triggered by sex, but keep your feet on the ground because it has only been 3 dates and you can't be sure where this is going or how serious he is about you or whether it will last. Both people can even feel very excited or think it might be serious at this point, but it is only 3 dates so only time and a lot more experience with each other will tell. So enjoy, but keep your wits about you. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Very sound advice......agreed!! Link to comment
JA0371 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Funny update: K text me today with a pic of himself..he's currently wearing a beard...so for St Patricks day he spray painted his whole beard green..lol!! He did it for his kids...going to see them today. I told him his face looks like astro turf. We just laughed. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Funny update: K text me today with a pic of himself..he's currently wearing a beard...so for St Patricks day he spray painted his whole beard green..lol!! He did it for his kids...going to see them today. I told him his face looks like astro turf. We just laughed. Haha! My guy is Irish, so he's making me a corned beef and cabbage dinner tomorrow night (not ON St. Pat's Day since we're both not free). This non-Irish girl has never had corned beef and cabbage, so I'm looking forward to it! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 As for your question.......in my opinion, yes you should tell him. Why? Because it's the right thing to do. Especially if you made these plans long before you started dating him. If your ex and you are truly just friends, this shouldn't be an issue. The guy Im dating has a close female friend that he visits and stays with on occasion when he visits his brother in another town. He told me this and says he once thought he was in love with her years ago.....but nothing ever happened between them.They truly are just platonic friends. Now he never had to tell me this.....but he chose to. So I trust him. Had I found out after the fact,then I would be extremely hurt....and no, I wouldn't trust him anymore. Thank's JA. I had an ex who was still friends with a particular ex of his. They had been together for 2 years when he ended things. She suffered from severe depression (suicidal thoughts, delusions) and she still relied on him heavily at the time we met (usually every time she came out of another abusive relationship). She ended up staying with him the first weekend I was meant to be staying with him because she was having another "episode". (She'd rung him in a bad way when her current bf had walked out on her. He'd had to take her to the drs and make sure she took her meds). He had to cancel on me but he was upfront with me about the whole thing. I really respected him for that and for being there for her. Anyway I trusted him mostly because I believed in how he felt about me and because I just knew he was the sort of person that most people would want in their live's forever because he was such a positive influence. I know telling him is the right thing to do. I guess I wanted to know how people would feel being told such a thing but, as you pointed out, having actually been in his shoes (or similar anyway) I was glad he had told me. Im my opinion, you need to be honest and tell him. If you don't it most likely will come up in the future and bite you in the arse! I also would not want to start a relationship by being dishonest. I'm sure he will understand if you tell him exactly the same thing you said here Yes, at some point in the future (should things progress) it would be all too easy for my children to start talking about the holiday and one of them mention something their dad did or said. I can't expect them to live in fear of what they might say! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 And you probably should have told him before you slept with him because people can be really hinky on the subject of exes and doing things like jetting off for a vacation with an ex after they've been intimate with you Trust is a fragile thing, and depending on his own personal experiences in the past (whether he's cheated or been cheated on) he may or may not be OK with it, but if you DON'T tell him and he finds out about it, he may never trust you and could even dump you over it. Thanks chickadeedee. He has actually been cheated on which is another reason why I was concerned about telling him. The truth is after we first met I couldn't really read him so it didn't seem appropriate telling him about it, in the sense that it seemed presumptuous of me to think he would even care. The second date was pretty much the same. The third date progressed beyond what I was expecting and as things were progressing it wasn't really on my mind to tell him to be honest. It is only since then (as in 3 days ago) that I've had to start thinking about it. The holiday was booked about a week before we first met. Next, just sleeping with someone doesn't make it 'more serious.' You can have lots of emotions and hormones triggered by sex, but keep your feet on the ground because it has only been 3 dates and you can't be sure where this is going or how serious he is about you or whether it will last. Both people can even feel very excited or think it might be serious at this point, but it is only 3 dates so only time and a lot more experience with each other will tell. So enjoy, but keep your wits about you. Yes I realise that sleeping with someone doesn't necessarily make it more serious. (You don't get to be in your 40's and not have the benefit of such experience!!) ;-) I know it's early days and it might not amount to anything for the reasons you mentioned above ..... and that was also an argument I had with myself as to whether or not that made it worth mentioning (again I could still be presuming too much). But, I think, for any outcome, honesty is always the best policy. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I think if you have sex with someone but are not yet exclusive you are only obligated to tell the person if you are planning to have sex with someone else. In this case I think you should tell him because it's one of those situations where when he finds out later it's going to be far too complicated to explain. By contrast if you had a date with someone else tomorrow but no sex involved I wouldn't think it was his business (and there would be no/little chance of him finding out). Try to keep the conversation short and lighthearted. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Thanks Batya. If I could be 100% sure he would never find out then there is a chance I might have chosen not to mention it on the grounds that it would still be extremely early days and as yet we've only very, very lightly danced around the "exclusive" area of conversation. It has been hinted at but not yet spoken of properly. Weighing up all the options and possibilities (whether this goes much further, whether he finds out) I have to agree with you. Yes, I guess the best thing is NOT to make it sound like too big a deal. To be honest, I don't think he sees my ex-husband as a threat (from conversations we've had over the months). However, if it were my ex-bf that would be a different matter but, then again, I would have no reason to go on holiday with an ex-bf! Link to comment
JA0371 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 Things are still going well with K. It's a nice comfort zone. We are seeing each other once a week still, but recently discussed tring to see each other more often on The weekends he doesn't have his kids. I haven't posted much because things have been progressing nicely and at a nice pace. It's kind of scary sometimes because he and I mesh so well. When we are together it's just a nice flow...regardless of what we are doing. We can even just sit in silence with no awkwardness. So ....still a happy girl Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 That sounds GREAT, JA! My last date went great as well. Went to his house -- he cooked me a special meal AND baked dessert, from SCRATCH. This, from a guy who said that he made brownies from a box for his kid's class at school and they "turned out bad." The meal was delicious, the company was great, and there was a lovely make-out in his driveway at the end of the evening. BEG36 is a happy girl also. Glad things are going so well for both of us! Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Im so happy for you both. Sounds like things are going great. It seems you both have not moved into intimacy. I think JA, you have decided to wait, how about you BEG36? I've been dating a guy for a couple of weeks and he finally kissed me on date 6, our last date. This has been the slowest I have ever gone in a relationship and it feels funny but good. He had only hugged me prior to date 6. I was concerned that he only wanted a friend, but now it seems we are moving forward nicely, I hope! Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Im so happy for you both. Sounds like things are going great. It seems you both have not moved into intimacy. I think JA, you have decided to wait, how about you BEG36? I've been dating a guy for a couple of weeks and he finally kissed me on date 6, our last date. This has been the slowest I have ever gone in a relationship and it feels funny but good. He had only hugged me prior to date 6. I was concerned that he only wanted a friend, but now it seems we are moving forward nicely, I hope! I have decided to wait, too -- I'm not a fast-mover anyway, but I REALLY like this guy and want to get to know him. We have actually not discussed it, but he told the friend who introduced us that he wants to take things slowly and really get to know each other, too, so it seems we're on the same page. Not that I don't WANT it to happen -- I definitely do, and I'm reasonably sure he does too -- but I want there to be a foundation of something else other than physical stuff. Date #8 is on for this weekend! Link to comment
JA0371 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 Ok...I think I've lost track of the number of dates we've had...but I think we had date # 10 yesterday. We met after he got off work and drove to the beach area...and paid for a two hour boat trip. It was beautiful. About 25 people on board. We bought margaritas. The boat stopped at a tiny island for 30 minutes where we walked, kissed held hands and picked out some pretty shells. K gave them to a woman with two little girls on board for their collection. It was sweet. After we returned we opted to have appetizers and a pitcher of Sangria at this Greek restaurant. It was delicious. Then it was about 6 o'clock when he dropped me off at my car...but then we made out for aout 20 minutes. Lol.... Sigh.....I'm thinking this is love. Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Sounds like a great day! So romantic. Love already wow.... But I guess 10 dates does not equal all the FB time you have had on top of that. I'm on date 6 but find it hard to keep track now too. I actually have to count them in my head to be sure. I am really happy for you. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 Sounds like a great day! So romantic. Love already wow.... But I guess 10 dates does not equal all the FB time you have had on top of that. I'm on date 6 but find it hard to keep track now too. I actually have to count them in my head to be sure. I am really happy for you. Thank you!! Actually we don't talk on FB at all....it's mostly phone calls, and Ftime...but we've been on 10 dates. I would say that the amount of time we talk, text and Ftime probably equals the amount of time a coupe dating six months would be..lol. So it feels a lot longer. We are pretty comfortable with each other....but yes, I DO know it hasn't been that long, time will tell.... Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Ok...I think I've lost track of the number of dates we've had...but I think we had date # 10 yesterday. We met after he got off work and drove to the beach area...and paid for a two hour boat trip. It was beautiful. About 25 people on board. We bought margaritas. The boat stopped at a tiny island for 30 minutes where we walked, kissed held hands and picked out some pretty shells. K gave them to a woman with two little girls on board for their collection. It was sweet. After we returned we opted to have appetizers and a pitcher of Sangria at this Greek restaurant. It was delicious. Then it was about 6 o'clock when he dropped me off at my car...but then we made out for aout 20 minutes. Lol.... Sigh.....I'm thinking this is love. Does he have a brother ? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Thank you!! Actually we don't talk on FB at all....it's mostly phone calls, and Ftime...but we've been on 10 dates. I would say that the amount of time we talk, text and Ftime probably equals the amount of time a coupe dating six months would be..lol. So it feels a lot longer. We are pretty comfortable with each other....but yes, I DO know it hasn't been that long, time will tell.... It sounds like even though it "feels" like 6 months you are still taking a reasonable time getting to know each other and having fun getting to know each other (which is the most important!). To me nothing substitutes for in-person time and over a period of time for getting to know each other -that way you get to see lifecycle events and annual events like holidays/birthdays/illness/work successes/vacations/family stuff that you can't compress into a shorter period of time or experience the same way when not in person. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 Does he have a brother ? Haha...yes two actually. I believe they are both married though... Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 HAHA I meant FT not FB - must have FB on the brain. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 He loves me....yep he said it actually he didn't say it straight out like that. We were Ftiming....and he mouthed the words 'elephant shoes'....which LOOKS like I love you....so I was like 'what did you say???'...and he said what do you think?? I said...'is it what I THINK it is?! Lol....and he said well....not exactly, but it IS what I mean. Awwww!! So we've been kinda joking about it. And yes......I said it back. He has his kids till Sunday night, but we both know its going to be a busy weekend. We will see each other Monday How is everyone?? Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Woo hoo! A new little layer is peeled back with the elephant shoes... Enjoy! Link to comment
JA0371 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Woo hoo! A new little layer is peeled back with the elephant shoes... Enjoy! Lol...thank you. It feels amazing. It feels right... I am very happy!! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 So happy for you JA! Date # 4 tomorrow (though I guess you could call it date # 5 seeing as date 3 kinda rolled into date 4). Anyway, so far, there hasn't been a day yet where I haven't woken up to a lovely text from him. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 So happy for you JA! Date # 4 tomorrow (though I guess you could call it date # 5 seeing as date 3 kinda rolled into date 4). Anyway, so far, there hasn't been a day yet where I haven't woken up to a lovely text from him. Awwww...isn't that the best?? Just go with the flow. Enjoy it...and make sure to tell him he's amazing, and how happy he makes you!! Guys kinda like that. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Great news, JA! I am going for date #8 tomorrow -- a day trip to a nearby city for some museums and other stuff, and we already have date #9 planned for next week (a mini celebration because a HUGE project I have been working on for work is going to finally be finished). The friend who introduced us told me that she "knows" something that's going to happen tomorrow that she can't tell me about, but that it's good, and I'll know tomorrow. I'm a little nervous trying to figure out what it might be! It's not the "I love you" conversation -- we're not there yet, though we like each other a lot -- so....I'm wondering what it is! My friend said, "It's really good. You'll be happy." So....I'm in suspense! Glad things are going well for everyone! Link to comment
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