Another online daing journal

[Sportster2005]

I typically sleep with a pillow between my knees. Funny how you get stuck with a pattern and can't sleep without it.

Early this morning I must have been turning over and rolling up under the pillow by my legs caused me to startle and wakeup. Not knowing any better I assumed it was S and that warm familiarity of snuggling up to him under the covers.

I'm wide awake and surprised that I crash into sadness.

I thought I was doing so well and this catches me off guard.

Minor setback and trying to shake it off.

I didn't go back to sleep and not feeling rested doesn't help.

 

How do people sleep without a pillow between their legs? I don't trust weirdos that don't.

 

It's funny, not ha ha funny, how things can sneak up on us like that. Hopefully it's just a quick setback. And you are doing well.

[reinventmyself]

How do people sleep without a pillow between their legs? I don't trust weirdos that don't.

 

I know, right?!

Thx for the chuckle. Perfect timing.

[reinventmyself]

Not having a good day and frusterated that I'm feeling this way now, 2 1/2 months out.

Why is every frickin' song about breakups and missing someone?? In the midst K is texting me about tomorrow's menu

Trying to get my house work done, but -I'm over it! Leaving everything where it lies and leaving.

[reinventmyself]

. . Again with the beach. Early dinner and watch the sunset on the beach. I know it's silly, but taking an hour to get ready, straighteng my curly hair just to undo it in 5 mins.

Lol. Maybe a baseball hat is in order.

[reinventmyself]

My date was nice yesterday. Dinner was delicious and we did end up at the beach watching the sunset.

He seemed a little more subdued than normal. Or I am not sure if I am projecting a bit. Given my frame of mind over the weekend I guess I felt a little insecure.

So it's possible that I read too much into it. I am just thinking at 2 1/2 mo's I might have clue what he's about, but I don't.

 

Never the less, I just can't read him. I don't know what he wants. I think I do need to ask at this point.

What started off ok is now feeling like I am becoming a little weary walking the fence not knowing if I should step up or step out.

To be fair I haven't exactly put myself out there either. So, it's pretty much a stale mate.

 

He leaves this week for a wedding across country where his family lives. I may see him Wednesday night before he goes. That's up in the air, so well see.

Wednesdays we typically meet at a restaurant after work, so no personal conversations will happen this week.

 

I have some time to mull this over.

In the meantime he's only logged onto to his OLD account twice in the last week.

[reinventmyself]

I am feeling conflicted. I know I went into this (dating K) with a lot of ambivalence but as is what's typical with most relationships, that they grow and mature.

 

I was fine with it not going anywhere in the beginning and now several weeks in I am still not certain what it is I want but I am feeling a little more balanced and open to the idea that this could be more than just friends at some point. Not sure, but becoming open to the idea.

 

I don't know if it makes any sense or I am just being fickle but even last weekend our date was on Sunday again. Since the beginning of July, I have seen him on only one Saturday night. Sunday's and Wednesdays are the nights he asks me out. What was fine in the beginning is now starting to feel uncomfortable. It must be my ego getting in my way feeling like I might be a back up plan? Whether this amounts to anything or not, I'd rather not be anyone's plan B. I just don't need it.

 

I also don't believe people move up in attraction after this amount of time.

I get that some of this might have to do with the ambivalence he might have sensed from me.

 

I am not sure what, if anything I should do about. Just say no to Sunday's? What does that prove? I also don't want to stick around and have this mature anymore than it has and based on this pattern, I wouldn't consider this a priority for him.

 

Any and all feedback welcome . . I am a little stumped on this one.

[faraday]

I don't know what feedback to give because you both seem ambivalent. To me, I'm like, why bother? But I guess it's good because you can be logical about it..but I also think you run the risk of becoming attached to him just because you're spending time with him...like fondness by proximity. Does that make sense?

 

It seems like he's not open, and neither are you (I mean...do you feel ready for a relationship? It doesn't seem like it but I'm not you so idk)....so for me, I don't understand the point in dating just for something to do.

 

I guess the question is...are you happy?

[reinventmyself]

.but I also think you run the risk of becoming attached to him just because you're spending time with him...like fondness by proximity. Does that make sense?

 

 

I guess the question is...are you happy?

Bingo. . thanks for the words. If I continue seeing him twice a week I will risk becoming attached.

But if I am not a priority then I don't want to risk it.

 

Am I happy? Yes. . overall things are good. but as far as he is concerned, I am becoming uncomfortable. (due to the above mentioned)

So do I just shut it down? That's what I am wrestling over. And if I did how do I explain that to him? If even necessary.

[faraday]

Idk...I don't think you should need to express things this early in courtship. It should be easy.

 

I mean, you could ask. You could say, "on Fridays and Saturdays do you turn into a pumpkin?" Or whatever. Because that would seem odd to me too.

 

But I think...you don't seem excited about him....you don't talk about him the way you did with S...and idk, maybe that's a good thing? But to me...it wouldn't be. I want to be mutually enthusiastic and for things to things to be progressing at a consistent (but slow) pace. It seems like those things are lacking? Unless you're reserving your enthusiasm to only when you're with him and he's enthusiastic but has a secret child he takes every weekend so that's why he can't make fri/sat dates (or maybe some other equally crazy, consuming reason). But to me, it just seems like not enough enthusiasm all around.

[reinventmyself]

Good points. .but considering the timing I would have lacked enthusiasm if Jude Law showed up on my doorstep.

I don't know anymore. . it's all so blurry.

 

Tues is therapy night and this would have been a GREAT topic . . but I canceled to have a birthday dinner with my youngest son.

 

I'm glad you find the lack of Fri/Sat unusual. I don't like what it suggests.

[faraday]

So if the timing is off, why are you dating?

[reinventmyself]

So if the timing is off, why are you dating?

 

Because I did not have control over when he showed up at the time.

Now things are slowly changing.

[faraday]

Do you think that when you're rebounding your choices in men will be the same as when you're healed and in a healthy place?

[reinventmyself]

No. . they'll be different. No question.

[reinventmyself]

I met K last night for our Wednesday night dinner. He flew out this morning for a family wedding in another state for the weekend.

 

Our conversation was a little more on the personal side, so I just asked him `where have you been the past couple years?' (alluding to dating)

He easily volunteered a few things but the time line got a little confusing at some point.

 

He had mentioned that he had dated someone off and on and she didn't want anything serious. I got the sense he felt he had settled for this arrangement.

At first it seemed some time ago but at second glance, it may very well be a current situation. This is all assumptions.

I am wrong about as many times as I am correct.

 

Again, I can assume that's where he is on Sat's?

 

He shared for about 20 min's and one might expect he would ask the same in return, but didn't. I found that to be a little bit of a red flag.

He was pretty comfortable sharing about himself but not asking the same in return.

 

Other than that our conversation was light and fun and I can typically tell when a man is attracted to me and his demeanor had Sunday left me confused.

Last night his interest seemed way back up and I don't doubt it today. (he's texting me right now)

 

I am still not sure what to do about any of it.

 

Some questions I have for myself and being entirely honest - If I am interested, is it due to a competitive nature?

If I knew I had no competition, would that make a difference?

Am I purely `wanting someone to want me' in an effort to heal the hole that S left behind?

 

Is this someone I even want to pursue anything with? As his interest seemed to go up, mine when down when he talked about himself pretty and didn't ask questions in return. This wasn't typical for him. . .so obviously I need to give this more time to get a sense one way or another. And to what degree is this relationship of his casual??

 

Add in I won't see him for week. Seeing he was more than open to share, I might ask him who his Saturday night friend is in a playful way at some point in the near future.

[Ms Darcy]

So if the timing is off, why are you dating?

 

Because I did not have control over when he showed up at the time.

Now things are slowly changing.

 

Do you think that when you're rebounding your choices in men will be the same as when you're healed and in a healthy place?

 

No. . they'll be different. No question.

 

What an interesting exchange. I think, and forgive me if I am wrong Faraday, but it seems like Faraday was suggesting in the gentlest way possible that dating right now when you are on the rebound and not ready is not a good thing. And putting it in question form is a good way to get someone to think through that notion.

 

The responses were the most interesting part. The first answer didn't actually answer the question. The second answer did answer the question but didn't reflect on changing behavior.

 

It is almost like asking someone why they are cooking while they are temporarily blind. And then they answer that it's because they can't control the stove temperature. But that is getting better as they are learning how to figure out the heat by getting burned over and over. Then the follow-up question is won't cooking be easier and less dangerous when your eye sight is back? And then the answer is yes ... While they proceed to start cooking again.

 

Just the way I read that. Could be off.

[faraday]

What an interesting exchange. I think, and forgive me if I am wrong Faraday, but it seems like Faraday was suggesting in the gentlest way possible that dating right now when you are on the rebound and not ready is not a good thing. And putting it in question form is a good way to get someone to think through that notion.

 

The responses were the most interesting part. The first answer didn't actually answer the question. The second answer did answer the question but didn't reflect on changing behavior.

 

It is almost like asking someone why they are cooking while they are temporarily blind. And then they answer that it's because they can't control the stove temperature. But that is getting better as they are learning how to figure out the heat by getting burned over and over. Then the follow-up question is won't cooking be easier and less dangerous when your eye sight is back? And then the answer is yes ... While they proceed to start cooking again.

 

Just the way I read that. Could be off.

 

That was exactly what I was trying to suggest...and yes, in the gentlest way possible.

[faraday]

And that's an awesome metaphor, Mrs Darcy. It gives it different context quite well.

[reinventmyself]

Please know that entire exchange did not get past me and I am processing everything. Thank you for the wise, supportive words.

 

A mutual friend asked me to contact my close friend. He didn't say why. He just cryptically said to call her. I reached out to her through text and we are getting together on Monday. She informed that she has decided to leave her 2nd marriage of 6 years.

 

I met up with my friends last night to find out that one of my friends who has had the same bf for 4 years just got dumped on Sunday.

She didn't see it coming.

They were the couple that it almost hurt to be around because they were so perfect for each other. . always laughing and smiling at each other.

I am stunned. Needless to say she is heartbroken and confused.

 

As we are sitting there another friend who has been dating a new guy for about 6 weeks commented that he didn't respond from a text she sent him earlier that morning. With that her phone rang. The rest of us continued talking while she was on the phone quietly listening. She hung up to inform us that her new guy told her he has too much going on and is really not ready for a relationship and wanted two weeks to `think about things'

 

This is 6 total in the past few month.

 

I am going to google theories in `Mercury in retrograde'

I am honestly not into metaphysics but at the same time open minded to some things just for gee whiz.

Someone commented on the current timing of Mercury creating havoc on relationships.

It's that or something is in the water. Something weird is going on.

 

Feeling a little numb today.

 

come to add: as of today the retrograde is over. . huh? Lol

[faraday]

It takes dating a lot of people to find the right by one. I met on average 15 for every guy that I ended up going on a second or third dates with. I've had around 10 relationships (lasting 6 months or more) and a ton of 2-3 month relationships...before I met Jay. So...I think it will always seem like there's a lot of break ups...because there are. You have to find compatibility...and someone who you think you can have that with for a lifetime. It's not easy. People break up. But they break up so they can find the right person...not because there's a full moon or something is in the water.

[Ms Darcy]

I think I am just very impressed with Faraday's approach. (Taking notes!)

 

Yes, processing is critical. Processing is critical thinking and learning!

[reinventmyself]

I had an entirely different outlook when I was half my age. .that's about where you are at now

Times your experiences by 2 . . add in a divorce or two.

Uhg. .

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, I have heard of Mercury in Retograde. I do think there can be external environmental factors that increase the probable of a break up someone was already thinking about executing. For example, as the weather changes from colder to warmer, the number of breakups increase.

 

Regardless, I am sorry for your friend. Out of the blue after four years? That's brutal. Was this after any talk of marriage?

[reinventmyself]

Regardless, I am sorry for your friend. Out of the blue after four years? That's brutal. Was this after any talk of marriage?

 

No, they agreed that marriage wasn't necessary. They were happy with the way things were.

 

So sad, one of his reasons was `I am not attracted to you anymore'

 

There was no conflict. . he has some depression issues. I think this mostly about him and not her. But he could have left that part out! Just to hear her share that and to witness the cutting effect it has on someone is gut wrenching. (and she's attractive) Those are words you can't take back and she didn't deserve to hear that. I really like her bf, but I'd like to punch him between the eyes right now.

 

Add to my list - the man I carpool with. His marriage of 32 years is coming undone as well.

[Sportster2005]

Yes, I have heard of Mercury in Retograde. I do think there can be external environmental factors that increase the probable of a break up someone was already thinking about executing. For example, as the weather changes from colder to warmer, the number of breakups increase.

?

 

Anecdotally I find the best times do put up an online profile is fall and spring. I don't if there is any science or reason to it. It seems however, that people want to be coupled in the summer and around the holidays. But once summer is here they want to date less. And same as the holidays. I've never thought of a good season/weather for breaking up though. But I guess if people want to get together more at certain times, I guess it makes sense there are times/conditions when people prefer to break up.

 

But even accounting for that, having a bunch of friends break up at once, is more likely just a statistical fluke. You can always make all kinds of weird correlations if you want to. The reality is, things are going to happen during Mercury retrograde, that would happen without it.

 

I used to be more open minded. Now I'm a grumpy old man.

 

Sorry to hear about your friends R.