sleeping with someone too soon

[sf59062]

I'm gonna just go ahead and be blunt here. I think I really really messed up and I'm not sure what to do about it. I met a man a little over month ago that I was a little unsure of at first. After some thinking I realized he was great and exactly what I've been looking for in long term potential. We met at a concert, he works at the venue, we exchanged numbers and he immediately began texting me and seemed extremely interested in me and in getting to know me, we went out on a date and although I was a little freaked out by how interested he seemed I decided to give him a chance. He became very sweet and continued to stay interested over the next week or so until our next meeting. He would say things like "I wish I was there to hold you hand" or " I wish I was there to cuddle with you" or "I can't wait to kiss you again." and even called me when our plans got canceled or didn't work out.

 

All this of course freaked me out and scared me a little but after doing some thinking I realized it had been a really really long time since someone had said those things to me and been nice to me in that way and so upon our second meeting I got really really caught up in all his "sweetness" and ended up sleeping with him. Like literally, he invited me over to watch a movie and we didn't even watch it. I just started attacking his face.

 

Now the next morning was a little less than stellar.....we got into a little bit of a tiff. I asked him if he was sleeping with other people, he said no and had told me it had been a few months since he had been with anyone and that really wasn't the case for me and I told him that. Its not like I was a or anything but I had been casually dating a couple people over the past year and every time I did sleep with someone we were in a legitimate "thing" or arrangement and it wasn't just random. I told him all this.

 

That night in a drunken haze I accidentally texted him instead of one of my friends and he (i think) jokingly asked me if I was "getting him confused with my other love interests". I said no and that he was my only interest and he never responded. Of course I have other suitors but absolutely none of them have what he has to offer me. He's extremely intelligent, well educated, funny, well spoken, and up until this point has been so so sweet to me. No one I've seen in the past year even comes close to that. Which is also part of the reason why I got into bed with him so quickly.

 

So began the cat and mouse texting game I am in now. A few days later I texted him telling him how I felt, that I actually did like him and was interested in pursuing him and I was sorry for the way things went the other morning but the fact that I like him makes me a little nervous. He again, never responded.

 

This all took place about three weeks ago and since then I've heard from him but sporadically and when I try to have a conversation with him it doesn't last very long or he takes forever to respond or he stops responding in the middle of things. We spoke this weekend and the conversation actually wasn't one sided, he asked me some questions I asked him to hang out he said he'd probably be free this week and I have yet to hear from him.

 

Now there is a small disclaimer: Before I left his house that morning (btw it was his PARENTS house and I saw them in the morning) he told me he had finals over the next few weeks and to not get mad at him. He's the top of his class at GWU in International Bussiness and also works full time on top of it.....sooo collectively he probably puts in about 80-100 hours a week in work (his words not mine).... he seems like a total work-a-holic. Like literally. That morning when we woke up we had "over slept" and he kept obsessing over the fact that he really could have used those "3 extra hours" to do some work.

 

 

So basically my question is what do I do hear? I'm so scared that I've complicated things by sleeping with him so soon, I'm scared he's lost interest. Compared to how he was before this doesn't really seem like much of anything. I've asked him to let me know if he's not interested and to just not leave me hanging and of course he never responded to that either. Its like he selectively responds to me and I don't understand why.

 

I feel like I'm running around in circles in my brain but I'm just so tired of dating around and dating a bunch of losers so of course when I met one that wasn't I jumped on it. Of course I'm aware that sleeping together doesn't garuntee a relationship or anything by any means but judging from the way he was acting before I thought things would at least speed up a little quicker than they are right now and on top of that I didn't expect to barely hear from him over the past few weeks. Do I give up? Am I being a "crazy girl"? Did I sleep with him to soon? Was he just looking for sex and that was the reason he was so sweet to me?

 

What do I do hear, really any advice or opinions or open thoughts would really really be appreciated at this point, I really do like this guy and want to give things with us a chance if he wants to so I don't just want to say " him" and leave him in the dust.....please help....

 

 

-Confused.

[mhowe]

Jumping on him... And then having a tiff the next morning when you thought to ask if you were "seeing other people" was kinda butt backwards. And really not your.place to ask. So...mistake #1.

 

Drunk dialing ...mistake #2.

 

Asking him where you stand....really? You have no standing.

 

I think you need to stop contacting and questioning him. Maybe it was a one night stand..maybe it has potential. But that decision now rests in his hands.

[Batya33]

I think you confused words with actions. He typed sweet words to you. You don't know if his actions -especially over a period of time -are "sweet". Given your expectations I think you chose to have sex with him too soon. It sounds like this is someone you see potential with so, yes, sleeping with him the the second time you met him was high risk in more ways than one.

 

He's responding to you when he feels like it. You are someone he just met. He is not too busy to date you if he wants to or he would make it clear that he would see you after finals and probably make sure you had an actual date planned in advance.

 

What I would do is, after his finals are over, ask him out on a date that involves being in public. Do not type your feelings to him -just ask him out on a date. If he is interested in dating you he will say yes or do his best to reschedule if he is busy. Then move on if he doesn't respond with enthusiasm. Do not be in contact otherwise.

[sf59062]

It was our 3rd meeting. Second date.

 

But yeah you're right. I just got really really caught up in the potential and now I'm kind of kicking myself in the butt for it I guess

[happyfrank]

Give up.. He got what he wanted. Next time don't sleep with somebody without being in a relationship. Lesson learned.

 

If guy likes you. He will let you know.

[sf59062]

God I suck at dating

[happyfrank]

God I suck at dating

 

Not at all. You're learning. Next time really get to know somebody.. Next time find somebody more stable. This guy has no time for relationship. He is putting his career before anything and that's ok.

[browneyedgirl36]

Try not to beat yourself up too much over this. A few suggestions:

 

Have the conversation about sleeping with other people before you sleep with someone, rather than after. If you are willing to sleep with someone, you should be willing to have that conversation; it will save you a lot of heartache -- and potential worry about things like STD's, what the guy's intentions are, etc.;

 

Don't have any significant conversations over text -- or even attempt any serious conversations over text (I had to learn this one the hard way, for sure);

 

When someone's interest seems to be waning, or he starts acting differently all of a sudden, back WAY off; don't contact him. Let him figure things out and come to you if he wants to be with you.

 

Try not to be too hard on yourself. There are some good lessons in this, so try to look at this as something to learn from rather than something to regret. I know it's hard to make that distinction sometimes, but regret really doesn't serve any purpose other than to hold us in a really negative space in our heads.

[jimthzz]

My take on why he isn't contacting you is because he didn't like being part of a rotation. I think he inferred from your mistaken text message that you are currently sleeping with more than one man.

 

Whether or not this is actually so, it is a turn off. So he back pedaled.

[Batya33]

God I suck at dating

 

I mean this with respect but this is not dating. This is hanging out and hooking up with someone you just met. Dating is about getting to know a person by doing things together -often in public - and, sure, flirting, being affectionate -but that's just part of the getting to know the person. As you wrote you jumped him the second you saw him -that was your focus and your priority -it wasn't about getting to know him as a person.

I think you do need help with self-awareness and self-honesty - get clarity with yourself about what you want and what your goal is. If the goal is to hang out and hook up, fine. But that goal is typically inconsistent with a goal of finding a long term relationship. Certainly happy marriages can start from a one night stand but it's rare.

[catfeeder]

I don't even think that it was the early sex that turned the guy off, it was the diarrhea of the mouth spouting TMI the next morning about all your other dating and guys.

 

I'd keep my mouth shut about that stuff beyond whether or not you want to date exclusively. THAT is all anyone needs to know.

[Tinydance]

Well, I think you did go wrong there in a few ways and maybe next time it'll help you learn from it and meet that someone special. These are things (in my opinion only) that went wrong here:

 

1. *Maybe* sleeping with him a bit too quickly, but I also know that sometimes it does work out, totally depending on whether that person really likes you or not. I slept with one of my ex's on a second date but he fell in love with me and we were together for two years.

 

2. Asking if he's sleeping with other people. I understand that STD's and all that need to be thought about, but I think when you've only just met someone it's always good to use a condom anyway. Hence if you're using condoms you can just have that conversation a bit later. In my opinion if you've only been on two dates with someone, it's actually fine to date other people and sleep with other people, until the two people specifically say they want to be exclusive. If you've only been on two dates you pretty much still don't really know that person and have no idea if it'll work, so it makes sense to also date others if those opportunities come up. I would not ask someone I've only just met if they're sleeping with others. I might be thinking it in my own mind, but I'd just keep it to myself. I think being asked that straight after having sex together is a bit confronting, it's like: "OK, now we've had sex, what else are you doing and who else are you seeing?" It kind of sounds like a question demanding exclusivity or definition and it's too early for that. Also, he said he hadn't slept with anyone for ages and YOU were the one who said you'd been sleeping with other guys. So not only had you straight away slept with him, but you told him about other guys, and he may have thought you're just into casual things and it's not going to be anything serious.

 

3. The drunken mistake texting probably did just cement it in his own mind that you're also seeing other guys.

 

4. It's quite possible that in fact he did really like you at first but when you told him you'd been sleeping with other guys and then messaged the wrong person, his ego may have been hurt. He may have liked you a lot and thought you were only dating him and in fact he's uncomfotable with you seeing other guys. He probably thought, I've been so sweet and nice to her, why does she have to hook up with other guys too? Then he may have lost interest because he doesn't want to compete with others.

 

But in fact it's quite possible that none of these things are really the issue and that all he wanted was sex or at least something pretty laid-back. The fact that you got so full-on and started asking if he's sleeping with anyone else, then constantly texting him trying to make everything OK, may have smothered him and put him off, in particular because you don't know each other that well yet.

 

I think unfortunately from everything you've said, you've lost this guy at this point. I would probably just learn from these mistakes and keep dating other guys. I think next time you should act a lot more laid-back. I think guys may have serious intentions and not just want sex but if you move too fast and be too full-on it can scare them off too. To be honest, if I go on two dates with a guy and we sleep together and he asks me who else I'm sleeping with, I'd be put off. I would not feel comfortable to disclose this information as he is not my boyfriend and we've only just met and it sounds like a jealous or possessive question. I don't think even that you slept together fast is that big a problem, I think it was all the other stuff. I think even if you do sleep with a guy quickly, just act laid-back and keep taking it slow. Don't message all the time or ask about their sexual history. I think if a person really likes you it shouldn't be an issue if you slept together too soon but a relationship does need time to develop and you can't push it.

 

And one last thing, do you think that maybe you got too invested in this guy too soon? I mean, you keep saying he's so amazing and perfect etc. but do you even really know him?

[HeartGoesOn]

I agree with everyone here, yet I'll add suggestion # 99. In the early stages of dating, an invitation to watch a movie and/or "I'll cook dinner for you" translates to, "my chances of sleeping with you are looking good."

 

Also, I'm surprised his parents allowed this to go on in their home.

[faraday]

I don't think it matters when you have sex with someone. It's not about time as much as...having a strong emotional connection and not ruining it the morning after by having serious talks. Things should be kept light.

 

If a guy is into you, he'll be into you. It's not the sex that puts him off (unless he thinks you do that with everyone...then you're probably out).

 

My bf and I had sex on the third date (fourth time meeting). After we had sex I told him I wanted to do that again...and that if we were going to continue having sex, he'd need to agree to a vagina exclusivity agreement- no penising other women. He could break our contract at any time if he found another vagina, but he had to verbally tell me, and I would do the same if I found other penising options. I told him to go date other women. He thought I was cute. He didn't have any interest in meeting other women after that afternoon...But it wasn't a serious talk. It didn't come from a place of insecurity...but rather a health concern perspective. If you have sex, make sure it's because you want it...and own it.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Batya33]

I think it can work out fine but that's more the exception. I think often there's a huge risk because first time sex might not be the best sex (and then there is no foundation of knowing each other/friendship to get past it), or a pregnancy scare (same issue), or someone might unintentionally get far too emotionally attached and start acting unlike him or herself, at a time in the relationship when again that is much harder to deal with. Also if someone makes a practice of dating a lot and having sex right away the number of partners increases the risk of STDs, harming fertility and harming someone emotionally far more than if the person is more selective. Again, obviously some couples who have sex right away never made that choice before. Infinite variety of situations.

 

I don't think the risk is worth it and I don't think sex "just happens". Strong emotional connections early on might have little to do with substance or the person that the person feels connected to, and there are ways to act on that without having intercourse that are just as lovely (IMO) and don't have all the risks.

 

I don't think people who choose to have sex right away should be judged -if they're two single consenting adults, who cares- but I see too many times where the woman judges the man for being a "jerk" just because she regrets having had sex too soon, gets emotionally attached and has these unrealistic expectation that now that he had intercourse with her he has to call her or act differently than someone who just went on a date with her. That's not this situation, I get it- I think the OP is handling this well and trying to be honest with herself about her choices.

[Iggles]

I don't think people who choose to have sex right away should be judged -if they're two single consenting adults, who cares- but I see too many times where the woman judges the man for being a "jerk" just because she regrets having had sex too soon, gets emotionally attached and has these unrealistic expectation that now that he had intercourse with her he has to call her or act differently than someone who just went on a date with her. That's not this situation, I get it- I think the OP is handling this well and trying to be honest with herself about her choices.

 

I agree with this.

 

If you have early sex, one needs to enjoy it for what it was. The awkwardness that can follow if one person feels it should bring them closer can be a bitter pill to swallow. If you have sex with a near stranger, after the act you are still strangers getting to know one another.

 

OP, in this case due to a series of misunderstandings it sounds like he got the impression you're spinning plates and he isn't into being one of many. You don't know each other well enough for him to be aware of your true character and relationship history.

 

It sucks, but whatever was building has been effectively derailed. Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. Another skill in dating is knowing when to say when.

[WithLove]

I can't take anything you typed here seriously after having read "penising" and "vagina exclusivity agreement". Hahahaha!

 

Yeah, next time OP, you might want to talk about sleeping with other people before having sex.

[Jennifer89]

Leave him alone, he will contact you if he wants more. He is clearly showing you he is not interested by not responding to you etc, take the hint. It takes two seconds to respond to a text, if he was interested he'd respond, even during finals week.

[Mfic99]

I believe how often you sleep with someone is not of concern UNLESS you say you are having sex with multiple people. If he is a good guy, he won't want someone who lacks enough tact as to tell him you are with multiple people. Guy who just wants sex, yes your perfect, guy who wants marriage, he'll run.

[greta96]

I just got really really caught up in the potential and now I'm kind of kicking myself in the butt for it I guess

 

Here is what you just learned from this experience: when you see potential, that's when you don't put out quickly. You get to know the guy outside the bedroom and you keep your eyes wide open to see if his actions match his words.