Long Term Relationship and Engagement

[benson9316]

For a while now I've been wanting to touch on this subject and get meaningful advice. I've read numerous of posts and answers from couples experiencing similar dilemmas as my relationship is. Although, this issue might seem redundant to many it does actually vary as everyones situation is slightly different.

 

Background

-I'm 24 he's 26.

-We've been together 8 years, no break ups.

-Have been together since High School.

-He has a degree, graduated last year.

-He has a full-time position which will get him 49K a year.

-I graduated with my ADN, and went back to school to get my Bachelors in Nursing-due to finish 6/2015.

-I've been applying and have interviews for next month.

-We both live at home with our parents.

 

I've been feeling really on the edge for a while because I don't feel like my relationship is going the route I hoped for. I've asked for the past year what it will take to get us to move to the next step and he's always very hesitant, doesn't like to talk about it, or just answers to have me stop. I know that at the moment financially I can't make things work because I'm not working. But soon i'm going to get a job since Nursing has a lot of job opportunities. Last month was our 8 Year anniversary and I thought it would be a great time for him to finally talk to me about our future plans. He wasn't having it. Fist I had to finish school and now its you need a job. I see our next step as finally accepting that we're gonna work together to save so we can move out. See in the 8 years that we've been together we've never spent a night together. We have sex at a motel maybe once a month, twice if we're lucky. I'm tired of that minimal effort. We did it this way to respect our families homes and because he doesn't have his own room. Thats because he shares it with his 21 year old sister! Yup I know, an issue I still can't get over but I've learned to deal with it. At home his mom helps him do everything, from cooking, ironing, washing his clothes, making his bed, etc. I think that because he has so much help, he doesn't see the benefit of leaving that. He doesn't pay rent or any bills and he gets to pocket the $3000K a month he's making. I too have parents that have been very supportive and help me a lot also but I also do my contribution at home and I don't have them do everything for me. I strongly believe that marriage and moving out together takes hard work and effort the same way my degree did. I'm willing to work hard for it now. I'm willing to have to live with less than what I have at my parents house, to struggle so I can work towards building my own family. He's a good guy, works hard, dedicated, respectful, my parents like him. But he's timid, can be shy, and his family has a lot to do with the way he lives his life. Lately seeing people get married makes me sad that he still isn't motivated to want that with me. How can he still be content with the time we give our relationship? I want more, but before that I want us to get engaged. Why? Well because I know we can't just move out. It takes time and I at least want a year to work towards either a down payment or for an apartment. I'm not looking for a wedding even though everyone asks when it will happen. I rather save that money for a house or for the future. All of this I've mentioned to him. i don't talk to anyone about this issue because I don't like for my family to judge use or for instance my family for instance to agree with me to not make me feel bad. I want advice and a point of few from someone who doesn't know us so the advice is neutral.

 

I think he's comfortable where he is that he doesn't see the rush to move forward. I don't think its fair that the next step has to be on his terms. No matter what I'm still going to work, I'm still going to save for my own place,etc whether he's coming or not. I love him very much, I don't want to nag for him to want things to move forward. But, I can't be content much longer knowing that he doesn't want the same things I want.

 

I need help!

[mhowe]

You already know the answer. He is content and not motivated to make a life with you.

 

I think your focus should be on you and your life...he isn't really adding much here, is he? Finish school, find your job and move out and experience life. There are plenty of men that want.partners. He sounds content to let mama care for his needs...and due to this, would not be a contributing partner with you.

[benson9316]

Yes your right. I'm constantly trying to show him that I can cook, clean, do house work, not only for myself but for everyone at my house. But I feel that a part of me does it to try to convince him that I can do all those things and he doesn't need his mom to do them for himself. But I'm aware that my way of thinking is also wrong because once we move out I'm not going to do everything like his mom does. Your words are true, "he is content and not motivated to make a life with me." Thats so sad....

[Batya33]

You should not need to convince him of your worth as a person or as a future wife. I am a wife and mother who does not cook/clean/do housework for everyone in our family all the time (a lot of it but I have help and my clutter standards are probably not where they should be). My point is no one should have to be convinced to get married and having to do that -even if the person agrees -is a recipe for disaster.

[SpottiOtti]

I'm constantly trying to show him that I can cook, clean, do house work, not only for myself but for everyone at my house.

 

You want to sign up for this for the rest of your life? Imagine that you just came off three 12-hour rotations at the hospital. You think you're gonna feel like cooking and cleaning and doing his laundry?

 

I think you are just used to this dude because he's been your partner since you were a kid. From what you describe, it doesn't sound like he is in the same place commitment-wise that you are. Either that or he's become so complacent he really can't see that your relationship has become unacceptable. I mean, 8 years and you still have to go to a hotel to have sex? Come on, that's ridiculous.

 

He needs a wake-up call. Let him live without you for a couple months, and see what happens. You might surprise yourself, too, and not miss him all that much.

[benson9316]

You want to sign up for this for the rest of your life? Imagine that you just came off three 12-hour rotations at the hospital. You think you're gonna feel like cooking and cleaning and doing his laundry?

 

I think you are just used to this dude because he's been your partner since you were a kid. From what you describe, it doesn't sound like he is in the same place commitment-wise that you are. Either that or he's become so complacent he really can't see that your relationship has become unacceptable. I mean, 8 years and you still have to go to a hotel to have sex? Come on, that's ridiculous.

 

He needs a wake-up call. Let him live without you for a couple months, and see what happens. You might surprise yourself, too, and not miss him all that much.

 

 

Thats true. It won't be easy. I agree that above everything I'm used to it because it's been so long. But I don't want my relationship to be like it was when I was a teenager and literally thats what it still feels like. I have thought about doing that not just for him but like you just said for me too. It's just that I fear throwing away 8 years down the drain is sad. I know no ones relationship is perfect and I tell myself should I keep staying trying to perfect this one or should try else where? I've read blogs where people say that the wait is worth it and to not get impatient but in reality how do I know that relates to me. And yes, sex in a hotel after this long it's ridiculous. I looked at myself the last time I was there and I felt degraded. Like my hard work to try to be someone means nothing to him. I get 3 hrs like I'm a damn prostitute. It's sad when I really think about it.

[mhowe]

Time served is no reason to waste more time.

[benson9316]

Time served is no reason to waste more time.

 

How can I gather the strength to do that?

[mhowe]

Because you have a wonderful future and life waiting for you as soon as you let go of this anchor of a boy.

[benson9316]

Because you have a wonderful future and life waiting for you as soon as you let go of this anchor of a boy.

 

Thank you! That means a lot. It's always hard to understand that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

[catfeeder]

It sounds as though the two of you have settled into a comfort habit, and you're allowing your youth to pass you by. I'd let BF experience life without you--and he can decide whether he'll want to step up to gain you back. AND you'll have the opportunity to learn whether this guy has been your blanket for too long.

 

Head high, and THANK YOU for going into nursing.

[benson9316]

It sounds as though the two of you have settled into a comfort habit, and you're allowing your youth to pass you by. I'd let BF experience life without you--and he can decide whether he'll want to step up to gain you back. AND you'll have the opportunity to learn whether this guy has been your blanket for too long.

 

Head high, and THANK YOU for going into nursing.

 

 

He probably thinks that I'm content with what I've been getting from him for so long. I never pushed anything on him before because I knew we were young and because I wanted him to also finish school, I was very supportive of that. Since I've spent literally most of my youth years with him it does upset me to have to just let it all go. It would be a good idea for him to experience life without me and same for me. I wouldn't want to move forward in this relationship knowing that it was because I nagged or complained. I'll always be bitter if he throws that in my face or the feeling of me having to push him will haunt me forever. I will say that I've always been one to put hard work and effort into what I do. I know that if the day comes that I leave, I will not regret it because I know I put everything I had and I gave the best I could.

 

*I have a passion for helping and putting ones needs before mine. Hence, why I choose the profession. Thank you, for replying.

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't think of it as throwing away the years, I'd think of it as concluding this particular growth stage that has turned into a liability. When any couple stop thriving together, it's time to question the value of staying together--but in the case of a relationship that spans your foundational teen and early adult years, it's even more important to consider what you may be hiding from and what you are missing in terms of normal development.

 

You can always decide to leave him tend to his business while you complete school and revisit this down the road after you graduate and stabilize in your first job. That's a pressure cooker time for you, and adding a breakup to that is probably something you'll avoid to your own detriment.

 

Head high.

[benson9316]

When any couple stop thriving together, it's time to question the value of staying together.....

 

What you stated above, is exactly the reason why I wrote about this issue. I do have to question and need constant reassurance because what I get from him doesn't feel sincere.

 

And your right, these years have taught me a lot and the same way there were good times there were bad times.

 

The thought of knowing that we both have our degrees. Now finally have the opportunity to work together towards the same goal and he isn't ready or doesn't want it, that's what hurts me. I could just focus my time and effort on school.....but easier said then done.

[SpottiOtti]

Now finally have the opportunity to work together towards the same goal and he isn't ready or doesn't want it, that's what hurts me.

 

Well, sometimes people need a swift kick in the rear to see what needs to be done, and to see what they could be missing if they don't change their ways.

[benson9316]

Well, sometimes people need a swift kick in the rear to see what needs to be done, and to see what they could be missing if they don't change their ways.

 

That's true, I need to do my own thing for a while to make him see if he's really serious about this and I also need to give myself an opportunity if it's worth the wait or moving on. He needs to stop playing games....

[mhowe]

He isn't playing games. He is perfectly happy with the status quo and has zero desire to change it.

[abitbroken]

Firstly, the complaint about not spending a night together is not really valid because you BOTH live with your parents. Neither of you can spend the night together. Instead of looking for a new man who will spend the night with you or complaining that the relationship is not going anywhere because of that, I highly recommend that you move out of your parents' house. Move out now, or have a 7 month goal that you will move out after you graduate in six months and after your first paycheck. I was offered a job 6 hours from home and had to have two roommates and then one. You shouldn't "save up for an apartment" because the apartment price needs to coincide with your income, not your savings. Sure, get some emergency money aside, but getting your independence at this point is primary.

 

Maybe he is living at home waiting for you to graduate from school and he expects to move out with you. I don't know. you have to ask. Sharing the room with his sister is weird unless his parents made that arrangement when they both went away to college and they came home at different times and were not really sharing or that was the intent, or are lower income and just have one extra room. (and you were okay with this a few years ago, right?) Or he could be saving for a house.

 

If he treats you kindly, I would go ahead and move out on your own or with a female roommate and cross that part of the growing up process and reassess your relationship then. Either breakup with him or see how the dynamic changes.

 

Bottom line, you can't expect the other person to advance if you don't either. You can't measure yourself against your friends who get married also.

[abitbroken]

Him living at home doesn't trouble me as much as his family having too much say in what he does. That is the dynamic that is not just a matter of growing up and moving out. But anyway, I would just worry about you and then you will find out if you outgrew him or not. Don't work towards a future with someone - work towards yours and then see what happens with them,

[IAmFCA]

That's true, I need to do my own thing for a while to make him see if he's really serious about this and I also need to give myself an opportunity if it's worth the wait or moving on. He needs to stop playing games....

 

I suggest you take perhaps the same actions but reframe your thinking:

 

 

"Given this is what he can offer, this is what I need to go do."

 

He doesn't "need" to do anything, but you would like to see certain behaviors that may be beyond his capacity to perform.

 

He needs to do what is right for him.

 

You need to do what is right for you.

 

"Worth the wait" implies that right now is not good enough. If that is the case, then this is not the man for you.

[BigKK]

I think it's a little hasty to and naive to think your boyfriend who is babied by his mother is going to leave that sweet setup and pay his own bills and live on his own.

 

Your boyfriend is still a boy, and if I were you I'd first hope he lived on his own ALONE before he even tried to live with you. How do you know if he can take care of himself, since he has never done it?

 

 

He is not playing any games, he is just a boy for now and not looking for marriage which is why he won't marry you. I'd say move on and be single, 8 years has been a long time. Time to learn to be single and grow from there. Move out on your own once you're on your feet, a better man will come along.

[benson9316]

He isn't playing games. He is perfectly happy with the status quo and has zero desire to change it.

 

That true.

[benson9316]

I didn't see myself as complaining. I understand the position that I'm in. My overall issue is the fact that I feel he's not motivated to want to plan or talk to me about the future. Do I really need to move out with a roommate to become independent before moving in with him? I'm not afraid to take the next step. I do have a plan to leave my parents house as soon as I can afford to move out. If he talked to me and said clearly what he wants, I wouldn't be questioning our commitment to each other.

[benson9316]

Thanks for the input!

[benson9316]

I think it's a little hasty to and naive to think your boyfriend who is babied by his mother is going to leave that sweet setup and pay his own bills and live on his own.

 

Your boyfriend is still a boy, and if I were you I'd first hope he lived on his own ALONE before he even tried to live with you. How do you know if he can take care of himself, since he has never done it?

 

 

He is not playing any games, he is just a boy for now and not looking for marriage which is why he won't marry you. I'd say move on and be single, 8 years has been a long time. Time to learn to be single and grow from there. Move out on your own once you're on your feet, a better man will come along.

 

Ohh, that crosses my mind sometimes! Yikes! Thanks for the input!