Long Term Relationship and Engagement

[benson9316]

I guess given our circumstances, am I wrong for wanting him to plan a future with me? Is it not the right time for me to ask about an engagement, marriage, or moving out together? if he isn't motivated or doesn't like to talk about it, I think there's a bigger issue. That's why I included the the lack of responsibilies at home because I do believe he's comfortable at home. I'm comfortable at home too but if a year ago he would've asked me to move in together. I probably would've done it and struggled but in reality almost everyone struggles and I wouldn't be afraid to take the leap. It's another part of growing up....

[catfeeder]

I guess given our circumstances, am I wrong for wanting him to plan a future with me? Is it not the right time for me to ask about an engagement, marriage, or moving out together?

 

Not if you're okay with coercion and an early divorce.

[abitbroken]

I guess given our circumstances, am I wrong for wanting him to plan a future with me? Is it not the right time for me to ask about an engagement, marriage, or moving out together? if he isn't motivated or doesn't like to talk about it, I think there's a bigger issue. That's why I included the the lack of responsibilies at home because I do believe he's comfortable at home. I'm comfortable at home too but if a year ago he would've asked me to move in together. I probably would've done it and struggled but in reality almost everyone struggles and I wouldn't be afraid to take the leap. It's another part of growing up....

 

No. It is the wrong time to talk about moving in together. You need to move out yourself and get your stuff in order - manage a household on your own without mom and dad to fall back on. You will know in the time after that if he is serious and a fire is lit under him. I would not move in with this guy, quite frankly, if he leaps from mom and dad to you.

What IS a good time to talk about is where he sees himself in the next few years. That is the thing you can and should be talking about. Listen to what he has to say and tell him where you see yourself on a different occasion so you can get an honest answer without him trying to give an asnwer that will please you.

[Snny]

He makes a $50K and is still living with his folks? He needs to grow up.

[benson9316]

Not if you're okay with coercion and an early divorce.

 

Of course not....

[benson9316]

Very useful advise. I do need to learn how to be independent not at home with my parents. That's definitely a goal I have before I turn 25. School took me a while but as soon as I start working that's my ultimate goal. Im not depending on him to do it. It Won't help us both. Thanks for the input.

[benson9316]

It's less stressful at home than being independent.... That's why I get upset because I don't understand his way of thinking.

[abitbroken]

It's less stressful at home than being independent.... That's why I get upset because I don't understand his way of thinking.

 

Well ....you could be finishing up your degree living with a couple of other young women, all duking things out on your own, but its easier for you to live with mom and dad while you finish up school. I know a lot of people that lived at the dorm, or lived with their folks and moved out after their freshman year, even if they worked two jobs over the summer and semester breaks to be able to afford their apartment during the semester. I know it may not feel like the same because he is in his career. You need to TALK to him and ask where he sees himself in the next 2 to 5 years. If he says that he sees himself buying a house, or having a family - that is different than "i don't know!". Or you can gently suggest to him asking him if he thinks its a good idea to move out before getting a house so he knows what its like swinging things on his own. You don't understand his thinking because maybe he isn't thinking much about it. he just goes one day to the next.

[_Asti_]

I went through something a lkttle similar with my relationship. My guy was always one to drag his feet on everything.

 

After I finished school (he finished a year ahead of me and was also almost 5 years older) I was ready to fly the nest and move out of my parents home and wanted to do so with him. He didn't think it was a good idea. He had his excuses for not doing so and I was fine with that and said "hey look I'm doing this because I need to move on with life and will do so with or without you!" He didn't like that and was all "fine, you clearly don't need me..." Sort of thing. He eventually got over that and realized he was being a turd (was scared, nervous etc all things he experienced when it came to marriage and starting a family as well) and we moved out together, engaged shortly after, married and purchased a home. It wasn't until i said "okay that's fine I need to do this for myself.." That kind of made him realize how important it was not just for us as individuals in life but also for our relationship.

 

My only hesitation for you would be how much his family does for him. You don't want to be his Mom. I discused this heavily with my guy prior to moving out the expectations on finances, chores, relationship expectations (when will an engagement, marriage, family and to treat the moving out as a stepping stone not a trial and we took it very seriously...)

But then again, I have had my judgements about people who I thought should live on their own prior to moving in with significant others and they are doing fantastic not having had gone that route and are wonderful spouses and partners.

 

At this point, focus on yourself. If he wants to drag his feet, let him. The relationship will reach a stale mate especially once entering the working world for you.

My guy didn't see himself married before 30. He wanted to be "independent" with his money and life. He viewed living together as a stepping stone toward marriage and family so he didn't feel the rush for living together because he wasn't ready for those things when in reality I was just looking for that next step for us in general. Growing our relationship more.