He said "I'm not sure about continuing our relationship the way it is..."

[ConfusedHere1]

Hi there.

 

First post in here - I'm hoping this doesn't get deleted, as I'd appreciate any/all perspectives on the issue. (Sorry for the length - I just want to have all the info out there).

 

So, me (25-years old) and my boyfriend (28-years-old) have been dating about 7 or 8 months now (we're not exactly sure when our "friendship" became "exclusive relationship" - it happened pretty organically). We are leaving Friday morning to go on a week-long vacation with his family.

 

My boyfriend has accepted a job in a city that's a little over 2 hours drive from where we both live now (we don't live together). I was happy for him to get a job he is sure to like better than his current job (I even helped him with his resume and cover letter), and we talked a few weeks ago about how I was willing to move down to that city as well (still living separately) so we could continue our relationship. I told him I didn't think I could handle a LDR and my job allows me to work wherever, so it wasn't a huge deal for me to move on my end. I was excited about moving to this new city (our state capital, actually) and starting fresh with him. I thought we were both on the same page with this until last weekend.

 

I had mentioned something about moving and he said we should discuss it. He asked if he was the reason I was moving down, and I said, "Yes." I don't really have any other inclination to move there, except to be with him. I don't know anyone else down there and my job is remote, so it's not like I can physically hang out with my coworkers after work.

 

He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue our relationship as it is once he moves down there. He said he wanted to "get away" from everything up here that is "holding him back" from reaching his goals. He said he wanted to focus on himself for awhile, and if I was moving down there with expectations of seeing him multiple times per week (we currently only see each other once or twice a week on average here) then I would be disappointed, because he couldn't promise me that. He said he didn't want me to get upset if we didn't hang out for a couple of weeks at a time.

 

He said he thought he was "falling in love" with me, but that he isn't sure about continuing our relationship the way that it is now. He said if we had been dating for a longer period of time, that he might be more able to commit to any kind of long-term relationship, but at this point, he is undecided.

 

He said this vacation we are going on will be good for us to decide what to do (and spend more time together), and additionally, he would already have a couple of months down there on his own before my lease here is up for me to move down.

 

He said his "best case scenario" would be if I were moving down there for my "own reasons", without any expectations of our relationship, and pretty much we could hang out when it was convenient for him.

 

He said even if we don't work out, he always wants me in his life because I'm "the most interesting person he knows."

 

He said he really didn't even want to have this talk yet, because it may not even matter if he moves down there and decides he misses me too much and decides he wants me to move down so we could continue our relationship.

 

Guys, I am confused and heartbroken. What's worse is that he doesn't understand why. He said it "doesn't affect our current relationship", whereas I think it most certainly does, if we aren't even on the same page about "us."

 

Does anyone have any insight into this situation? Is it not possible to continue a relationship while still pursuing your own goals, professional or otherwise?

 

Any help/advice/comments would be EXTREMELY appreciated.

 

Thanks!

 

TL;DR: BF is moving a couple of hours away for a job, I originally planned to move to the same area as him to continue our relationship, now he doesn't know if it's the best idea for me to move because he is not as sure of our relationship as I am.

[mhowe]

You seem to assume things without talking about them. Dating morphed into exclusivity...his move became our move. He clearly is looking at this move as a break from all...and the holding him back comment was just spiteful.

 

If I were you I wouldn't be his back up plan when he finds that freedom ain't all it is cracked up to be.

[indea08]

Just my opinion, based on what many others have told me combined with my own experiences....after 7-8 months of dating, if you don't already "know", then it's just not going to happen.

 

You're right to feel hurt, I would too. Let him live his own life for awhile and you live yours. Maybe fate will have you meet up later. I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear..

[faraday]

When he says "start a new life" he's talking about one without you. He would like to go down there for a few months, check things out...and if he hasn't met a new gf yet, you can move down...but don't expect too much from him because he doesn't want you to move for him.

 

RUN.

 

Break up with him. He will drag this out and manipulate you. Your heart is right. He does not want the same things as you. Get out.

 

 

 

 

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[Clio]

 

Does anyone have any insight into this situation? Is it not possible to continue a relationship while still pursuing your own goals, professional or otherwise?

 

 

Sorry to say that your bf sounds like a serious waste of your time. He sounds extremely selfish and self-centered. I would go as far as saying possibly Narcissistic. Please do yourself a favor and break-up with him. Do not make him a priority when you are clearly only an option to him. People treat you the way you let them treat you. The real problem here is that he is just not that into you, he is only into himself. If at 7 months (which should still be honeymoon period for a healthy relationship), he can be so calculative and uncaring towards you, I don't see him changing down the line. He clearly doesn't value you nor enjoys your company that much. Please do yourself a favor and find another boyfriend. You deserve way better.

[misssmithviii]

I think the main reason he doesn't want you moving down because of him is because it puts him in a position to become resented in the off chance that you hate it. Also, moving down there for him also makes him feel obligated to see you rather than choosing to.

 

None of that changes the fact that he's probably not as serious about you as you are about him.

[ConfusedHere1]

You are absolutely right. I am just not sure how to proceed from here...

[catfeeder]

You are absolutely right. I am just not sure how to proceed from here...

 

 

I would 'proceed' to break up with him. Why waste your vacation time on someone who's already vacated on you?

[faraday]

^^^yup

 

 

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[Batya33]

The vacation will not be a vacation but an audition from your perspective if you're going to try to show him how good you are together. Ick. Let him move, let him go, give him twice the space he seems to need.

[lavenderdove]

>>He said he wanted to "get away" from everything up here that is "holding him back" from reaching his goals.

 

Wow, this guy needs to get over himself. Seriously, if someone implied I was the reason they were being 'held back' when I was only seeing him once or twice a week, i'd be furious. His success at work has nothing to do with you and people are HUGE successes even when they have a spouse and kids that they see every day and have responsibilty for.

 

This is just a nonsense excuse for the fact that he wants to see you as an 'option' like a teddy bear on the shelf that he gets to take down and play with when he's in the mood, otherwise he just drops you when he's not.

 

These kinds of statements mean he does not really want a close or growing relationship with you nor does he want a serious one. He wants a casual date when he's in the mood.

 

So i think you just learned he is not serious about this relationship going anywhere, and in fact doesn't want it to go anywhere because he's got other fish to fry. So i think you just need to let him go rather than having him put you in this 'one down' position where you are forced to prove that you are 'worth' seeing more and that you're not a 'hindrance' to his other goals.

 

Really, you deserve a man who sees you as an asset to him and who WANTS to be connected to you, see you, spend time with you rather than trying to restrict time with you. You should not only not move, you should consider dumping him (and now) and telling him that what you want is a normal relationship where you are not seen as a hindrance, and you want the relationship to grow and lead to commitment, and that is a totally unfair position to put you in to have to 'prove' you are worthy of his time and attention. So since he is not on the same page in terms of what this relationship is about, it is time to say goodbye and he will have all the time in the world to pursue his other goals without you around, and you will have time to find a man who loves you and wants a normal relationship and commitment.

[annie24]

My advice would be to treat this like a breakup, tell him to go off, you are no longer going to "hold him back." Sheesh (Like LD said, how are you holding him back from his career goals if he sees you once a week?) Unless his goals are to bang lots of women in his new city. I don't like what he said about keeping you in his life because you are an interesting person. Like someone else said, that's like keeping a toy on the shelf in the off-chance you might want to play with it again in the future.

 

I think it's possible after some time apart, he might realize that he's missing out on the best thing in his life. Or he might realize that he's just fine and happy without you. I think you should consider how you feel about him after time apart too.

[DancingFool]

He told you point blank that if you want to move, do it only for yourself and absolutely not because of him. If you move, he may or may not make himself available to you only when it's convenient for him. He basically dumped you with that line alone. He also told you loud and clear that his mind is not on this relationship or building a future with you. Time for you to waive him goodbye. When a guy tells you so directly what you don't want to hear, you better believe him. You may be an interesting person, but he already knows that you are not the one for him, only the one for now...when it's convenient....