Would you date someone whose family went through a divorce or separation?

[cheerfuldaisy]

Hi Everyone,

 

I just wonder if anyone of you will date someone if their parents had been divorced (the child just live with the Mom or Dad after their parents split up)? Do you think the divorce of the parents may affect the future relationship of the child? Would the child be more insecure in starting a relationship? Would the child want to start the relationship right away due to the parents' divorce? Would the child not serious about starting a relationship? Would their be a high rate of divorce for the child in his/her future relationship? Would the child treasure the relationship more if they know their parents went through a divorce and the child will want to sustain the relationship? What do you think?

[Seraphim]

Hi Everyone,

 

I just wonder if anyone of you will date someone if their parents had been divorced (the child just live with the Mom or Dad after their parents split up)? Do you think the divorce of the parents may affect the future relationship of the child? Would the child be more insecure in starting a relationship? Would the child want to start the relationship right away due to the parents' divorce? Would the child not serious about starting a relationship? Would their be a high rate of divorce for the child in his/her future relationship? Would the child treasure the relationship more if they know their parents went through a divorce and the child will want to sustain the relationship? What do you think?

 

Yes, of course I would. My parents are divorced. In fact my mom and dad divorced and my mom and first step dad also divorced and my mom and birth dad also broke up again . Me, I have been married 20 years and yes to the same fellow. We are not our parents. Just because our parents got divorced does not make us tarnished and damaged and unable to have a relationship.

[happpybear]

I would too, my parents are divorced (they divorced when I was an adult though, so maybe a different situation that if I had of been a child at the time), I would hope that men would not hold the mistakes of my parents against me...

 

But, they concerns you have are legit, and it all depends on the person. One can come from a perfectly normal family and still have commitment issues. I worked through my issues and would say that my parents' divorce does not affect my desire for/ability to commit to a relationship. But then, if the divorce was particularly acrimonious and the person/child did not get help or work through their issues then it could be possible that they will have issues with commitment. You would have to get to know the person and find this stuff out, it's very individual.

[notalady]

Gee you'll have to rule out half the planet if you won't date anyone whose parents are divorced

 

My parents are divorced too, when I was 17 (I'm 29 now). I had a happy childhood. My parents divorced on friendly terms even though they did used to fight a bit when they were married. They are still friendly (help each other out on various things when needed). I'm well-adjusted and have a realistic (hopefully mature) view about relationship, not afraid of commitment, don't jump into relationship pre-maturely nor bail at the first sign of trouble, always work on any relationship issues (big and small) through open communication. I have though met guys from divorced families whose parents were bitter and angry towards each other, who would bad mouth to the kid about the other parent, and it really affected their view about relationships. So yes it can be an issue, depending on the individual's personality, the parents' way of handling things as well as the circumstances surrounding the divorce.

 

I met just as many guys whose parents remain married but are unhappy or have a dysfunctional relationship and the kid is just as screwed up as the ones gone through a bitter divorce, just in a different way. So ultimately it comes down to getting to know the guy and knowing whether he had a happy (or at least normal) childhood, if his relationship with family (whether they are together or divorced) is good, what are his views on relationships etc.

[greta96]

Of course. With the divorce rate on the rise, many people come from broken families, and it doesn't mean they are broken people. If anything, they may value marriage and loyalty even more.

Just like there are lots of kids whose parents are still together and yet their marriages will fall apart.

Don't miss out on someone just because his parents are no longer together!

[itsallgrand]

I would, yeah. And I have. I don't think too much about it. Just get to know someone, take it from there.

 

I think as adults at this point (I'm in my thirties), it's past the time when it's tolerable to me for a guy to be pointing back to his family as the reason for his issues anyways. Anyone with their issues, they are on our shoulders to be responsible for now.

[Fudgie]

No, I would not rule someone out based on that.

 

Coming from a bad upbringing can either scar or season a person. It's not so much about the experience as it is about the person themselves: how do they internalize it, how do they deal with it, the choices they make in their own lives to better themselves. You can be downright awful and insensitive in relationships if you come from a happy family, and you can be a great partner even if your upbringing wasn't so great.

 

My ex came from a very bad, abusive household. He did not deal with it properly and it led to major problems.

 

The man I'm seeing now was a child of rape, with mental illness in his family. He is not like my ex. His past is a part of him but it doesn't define him or doom him. It is not an excuse either.

 

Relationships are hard work regardless of your upbringing.

[catfeeder]

Ruling out broken-home people is a great idea for those who hate dating and don't want to do it very much.

[Sportster2005]

Hi Everyone,

 

I just wonder if anyone of you will date someone if their parents had been divorced (the child just live with the Mom or Dad after their parents split up)? Do you think the divorce of the parents may affect the future relationship of the child? Would the child be more insecure in starting a relationship? Would the child want to start the relationship right away due to the parents' divorce? Would the child not serious about starting a relationship? Would their be a high rate of divorce for the child in his/her future relationship? Would the child treasure the relationship more if they know their parents went through a divorce and the child will want to sustain the relationship? What do you think?

 

Children of divorced parents are more likely to divorce. Since the divorce rate is around 50% percent or a little higher you would be reducing by half your potential dating pool.

 

In my age group I insist on dating divorced people. If they are in my age group and haven't been married, there's something wrong.

[mhowe]

Thank you Sportster, for that lovely compliement.

[EDLS]

Have you also considered that your premise assumes that all intact marriages are healthy ones? Many of them aren't. The longer the child spends observing parents who don't have a health relationship, the more chance they will go on to repeat those patterns.

 

Personally, if choosing between a man who spent 18 years absorbing dysfunction, or one who spent a year or two absorbing dysfunction and then went on to see his parents happy post-divorce and possibly demonstrating healthy relationship skills with new partners, and neither had done any work in counseling on themselves, I'd find the guy in the latter scenario a better bet for long-term.

[EDLS]

In my age group I insist on dating divorced people. If they are in my age group and haven't been married, there's something wrong.

 

What about the people who made bad decisions in who they married and went on to spend years in dysfunctional relationships because divorce would be too hard? What if that person had recognized the dysfunction with the partner, chosen not to get married, and remained single and never found anyone else they wanted to marry? I'd have more faith in their abilities if did the latter.

 

Prior marital status is not an indicator of emotional health or potential of long-term happiness. There are too many variables at play to make that generalization anything but a shallow generalization.

[Sportster2005]

What about the people who made bad decisions in who they married and went on to spend years in dysfunctional relationships because divorce would be too hard? What if that person had recognized the dysfunction with the partner, chosen not to get married, and remained single and never found anyone else they wanted to marry? I'd have more faith in their abilities if did the latter.

 

Prior marital status is not an indicator of emotional health or potential of long-term happiness. There are too many variables at play to make that generalization anything but a shallow generalization.

 

You say that like it's a fact and not an opinion. We will have to agree to disagree. If someone is in their late 40s early 50s and they haven't been married or in a long term relationship there is something wrong. I'm sure there are exceptions, but I don't have the time or inclination to chase after exceptions. Not married/no LTR is a red flag to me. Your mileage my differ.

[cheerfuldaisy]

Thank you very much for all your advices..very great tips.

[justagirl2]

Gee you'll have to rule out half the planet if you won't date anyone whose parents are divorced

 

My thoughts exactly. Lol.