I need some help, support and advice. Male and Female appreciated.

[gunslingor]

I've been working with a girl for many months, I had a huge crush on her but it was work so I had to be professional and could only drop tiny hints that I liked her. I took a 2 week vacation and when I returned she had quit. I tracked her down on linkedin and we started talking on there, then she gave me her email address. I sent her a picture of myself in Alaska and I think it moved her, a number of days later she finally responded "I've been mostly trying not to respond, but the picture you sent is getting to me". We then continued talking over email for a couple of weeks. I learned that she felt a connection between us at work as well, she even said she would call blatantly 'unnecessary' meetings just to see me (even though she had a boyfriend during this time); I was clueless but man I fantasized about her constantly, she's so wonderful and smart I could fall in love at any moment.

 

Finally she agreed to come out to dinner with me last Friday. She then canceled Thursday morning. She then agreed to come over Thursday night, and then canceled 1 hour later... I was very upset and was just trying to leave her alone because I think she needs some time. She wasn't happy with me being upset and I think I was inadvertently mean to her... I had an upset tone. She ended up coming over Thursday at the last minute, I was so happy. We talked for 5 hours straight, drank wine, played with the dog and ended up making out. I fear I shouldn't have let her leave that night, I could have convinced her to stay with me but was trying to be the better man... I fear I would be in a better position if I had made her stay, I fear being a gentleman has screwed my chances.

 

Over the next three days, we made plans and she immediately canceled (this happened 3 or 4 times)... I don't deal with broken commitments well, I keep promises. Over this period I was able to learn that she is broken up with her last boyfriend, but she is still living with him because her new job doesn't start for 2 weeks and she can't move out. I think this is related to her indecisiveness towards me, but there may be other factors at play. She says she is trying to protect me when she cancels. She says I'm wonderful, she doesn't seem to want to stay away even though she obviously thinks its best for her. One question is, does she not want to stay away because she really really likes me or because I just happen to be there and she wants someone to talk to? I fear the later is true and she doesn't know it, maybe she's just playing into my hand because she just wants support and then cancels because she doesn't want to hurt me, a conflict of conscious and subconscious mind.

 

I think she really likes me, I hope and pray, but I also have this fear that I'm just a shoulder to cry on... or maybe she does really like me but needs more time to put the old relationship to bed, which makes me want to let her go for a few weeks so she can get straight... but then I fear so terribly that she will never return.

 

I really care for this girl, I haven't been with anyone in 7 years. I meet a girl I really really like on average once every decade, I've been protecting myself from this for the past 7 years; I haven't been with anyone, her kiss was the first in 5 years for me, and the first in 10 that meant anything to me. We have so much in common, yet we are different enough to keep things interesting. When I meet someone, I know very quickly where I want the relationship to go and the sky has always been the limit with this girl... I do get attached quickly when the other party is open to starting something so that door is already open for me, and she is just so amazing to me. This is hard.

 

Finally last night, after canceling again, she told me she was going to stay with her sister in Detroit for two weeks until the new job starts. I think she wants me to stay away but it isn't clear... she flip flops constantly, tells me how great I am but won't see me no matter what I do. So last night I got upset again that she was canceling and said some mean things, I didn't mean to come off as mean again and apologized... I am trying to let her go for two weeks, even though I'm scared I'm going to lose her. I fear my emails may have left her disinterested... after I apologized she seemed understanding, but no more praises about how amazing I was... maybe she still feels the same, maybe I blew any hope with that... I'm trying to be supportive and she's trying to protect me, but I'm hurting here.

 

What do I do? I need some support... she is the first person in 7 years I've opened up to, now I'm a mess too! We both are a mess. I want her so bad and don't know what will bring her back to me; do I "love it and set it free" or do I "chase the girl" like they do in the movies? Should I stay away from her while she is in Detroit (which will cause me some real suffering) or should I try to keep talking to her. I want her to come back to me, I can wait, but I don't want to lose her.

 

Ask any questions you may have, I really need some help here as I'm not very good at this.

[mhowe]

She is a flake --- and you can do much better. Don't chase her --- all you will get is more of the same. Agreeing to a date and backing out.

 

And as to the "I should have made her stay"....no you shouldn't have.

[Edmund Exley]

She's not that into you. If she were she wouldn't be constantly cancelling. Stop asking her out.

[WithLove]

Being a gentleman almost always is a good thing. You never screw your chances up being that way. She's being very flaky. My guess is, there's some things going on with her ex that aren't quite resolved, but she doesn't tell you because she also doesn't want you gone too. I don't know, she seems like she's pretty wishy-washy. I don't think I'd hang on to it, honestly, but you can't help who you care for. If you're determined to stick it out, give her the couple weeks to stay with her sister and get her stuff figured out. Then drop her a line. If she's interested, you'll most likely hear from her first. And if she doesn't respond, I'd say move on.

[charity]

agree with the above. she is a waste of your time and emotions. she's not where you are, simple as that. you cannot MAKE someone stay so get that out of your head. you didn't lose her because you were a gent, you lost her because she doesn't really want to be there. come on, you deserve better then that. she's showing you a huge red flag right right at the beginning- one that you should heed. have you ever gone for girls in the past that you couldn't have?

[BigKK]

It's not about sleeping with her the first time you meetup.

 

She got out of a relationship and isn't that into you, if you allow her to flip flop and continue to trying to date her you're gonna be a doormat

[gunslingor]

Thanks guys and gals this really does help, all of it. Just talking helps.

 

mhowe, your right she's being extremely flaky. I hope its just the current situation and not her permanent state of being. If I could understand more of the details I would feel better... even if it's the worst case scenario of something like "I still love the other guy and want to give it a couple months" or "I want to be single for a while, give me a month" or I presume the best case scenario "Your the first person I want to date when I'm ready, I just need a little time". But I don't know if she even knows the answer, and I could be totally off base with these examples.

 

Edmund Exley, you could be right... this possibility would help me put this behind me if she would say that. But she doesn't, so I think and hope you are wrong.

 

WithLove, thanks... I hope that is the case, I hope she isn't being 100% straight with me because she doesn't want to lose me. God I pray for that. Your right she is being flaky, this is very common thing for me... I think its the style of woman I'm into, I like free spirits who are successful (like myself)... we are just such a rare breed, free spirits typically end in disaster. I think I have to stick it out, I only find someone like this once a decade. Maybe talking to you guys will help... if I get the erg to call or text her in the next couple weeks, I'll ask you guys first. I would be so thrilled if I end up hearing from her first.

 

Charity, thanks for the honesty. Your right, she's very clearly waving a red flag. Could I do better, I don't think so... most girls treat me like this... its not by choice, it's just the kind of girls I get involved with I guess... I like free spirits who are somewhat successful, not your typical middle class person. I can deal with the flag, I mean... this girl is really special... if she were paralyzed from the neck down I would still be as interested as I am now... there is nothing she could do or say that would make me disinterested, I feel the only way to stay away from her is with truth (which she doesn't seem ready for) or anger (which I hate and which makes it less likely she will return).

 

I think I've just got to keep my mouth shut and see what happens, but man how cruel would fate be if she does the same and we suffer needlessly. I don't want to just let her go, I know I'm never going to find another like her... It's so early, but I'm pretty certain this may very well be my only shot at happiness... 7 years without a girl! I recently lost my college fat, 40lbs, so I know I have more options... but she is a diamond in the rough, such a rare person.

[freewill1234]

Be straight up with her. Tell her to straighten out her stuff with the EX-BF and after it's all said and done, if she wants to get together again, tell her to give you a call. You don't want to end up as the rebound guy because those rarely work out in the end. She's not ready for anything right now. In the meantime, get out there and meet some new people. Don't wait for her because she might not even like you the way you like her. Forget what she is telling you, it's her actions that tell you more about how she feels.

[Edmund Exley]

 

Edmund Exley, you could be right... this possibility would help me put this behind me if she would say that. But she doesn't, so I think and hope you are wrong.

 

And that's why you're in the situation you're in. Failing to accept reality so that you can hang on to hope. My guess is she is trying to avoid flat out telling you "No". Her hope is you will take the hint.

[Edmund Exley]

Edmund Exley, you could be right... this possibility would help me put this behind me if she would say that. But she doesn't, so I think and hope you are wrong.

 

 

Charity, thanks for the honesty. Your right, she's very clearly waving a red flag. Could I do better, I don't think so... most girls treat me like this... its not by choice, it's just the kind of girls I get involved with I guess...

 

Its absolutely a choice. As you demonstrated above, you set your sites on someone and ignore red flags and obvious signs.

[gunslingor]

Thanks for the reality check Edmund. I'm not 100% certain your right that this is just her attempt to do a covert 'my fault' type dismissal of my invites... I know I've done this... when someone likes me and I don't like them, at least in my youth, I would try to make myself into a bastard so they wouldn't like me so to speak (to avoid having to say no). She could be doing that here, she might not have any interest and she's just trying to put me thru hell so I won't be interested anymore... I don't think this is the case because she has been the instigator on more than one occasion; I've given her plenty of outs and she kept coming back. That being said, I think your right in that I need to treat the situation like that, it certainly wouldn't be an unreasonable reaction on my part at this point, most normal people would take your stance. I do want this girl, if there is any hope I want to use it... but I think the best hope maybe to try and forget her as you suggest. Edmund sounds like a pretty handsome dude, there really aren't that many options out there for a guy like me...

 

You guys have helped a lot thanks, this forum is great! I'm just not going to make contact with her for a while, I wanted to message her on Thursday just to make sure she got to Detroit okay and to remind her that I exist, but I suspect you guys think that is a bad idea and you may be right.

 

I'm just going to try to bury the situation in the back of my mind, I can't be a door map and I don't want to be the rebound guy. I know I will miss her though... I'll keep y'all in the loop... I do feel better now that I've talked about this, but I suspect it will be an emotional roller coaster ride for me the next couple weeks as I try to convert her memory to a figment of my imagination, trying not to contact her, so stay tuned in case I start feeling lonely and pathetic! Someones gotta stop me from picking up that phone if it isn't the right time... I'm weak at these games.

 

Thanks again.

[lostandhurt]

Your best bet is to distract yourself with friends or activities...basically live your life.

 

The way you have been behaving isn't very attractive to a woman. Being a wussy is never a good thing.

 

You have laid the ground work for her to control your every emotion and keep doing it.

 

Whether she is not that into you, the timing isn't right, she is flaky as pie crust or all of the above doesn't matter at the moment because you have pretty much decided she is the girl for you, the girl you have been waiting 7 years for. This is a very bad thing indeed. When you have this mindset she could beat you over the head with a red flag and you wouldn't take heed.

 

Take her off the pedestal you have her on because she is just a girl nothing more just like you are just a guy and on top of that you really don't know her.

Look closely at her actions before and after you admitted your desire for her. Was she flaky at work?

Tell her to have fun at her sisters and you will talk to her in a few weeks. This way she is waiting for you to contact her instead of you waiting. Wait about 3 1/2 weeks and ask her if her life is more settled now.

 

If she is really flaky it will never work and you know it so be prepared to cut her loose for good.

 

Lost

[SooSad33]

You're both messed up a bit & confused.

 

You know her circumstances. She's tried explaining them to you but you're turning a blind eye at her and making this sit on her shoulders. You're not being fair with your reactions.

She'e dealing with a break up, she is not ready and YOU end up laying guilt on her because she's confused & backs out.

( YOU need to get some control over this 'promise' stuff and lay off).

 

Back off, respect her choice to not go further with this and calm yourself down.

 

If or when she is wanting to talk or see you again will be up to her. And she will let you know.

[gunslingor]

"Was she flaky at work?"

-Nope, she was exceptional. I'm way above her on the totem poll but in totally different departments, the first thing that attracted me was the quality of work.

 

"If or when she is wanting to talk or see you again will be up to her. And she will let you know."

-Your right, I don't have any control over the situation. I've kind of thought this was a possibility every step of the way, only fate or luck right...Now I think I did have some guiding control but have truly lost it. Woman can be emotional as heck, she definitely has, but the guy has to work at being the attractive option out of many at all times... I'm just a guy who likes to throw everything out on the table and see where the chips lie, I've never been good at social games (I prefer physics). But I get it now, I messed up by treating her 30% as bad as she treated me... now, if she did like me, she's less likely to do so again because the last thought was not the best of me... my bad, now I can only wait and see how the numbers play out, see if she calls later. There is logic there, I'm just too truthful... but I guess that can change a bit.

 

I think I'm straight guys and gals, thanks so much... wish I had talked to y'all days ago. Maybe I'll be back on in 3 weeks with a story to tell, maybe tomorrow, who knows in this game of craps!

[catfeeder]

She's not even out of her shared place with ex yet. You're walking into the middle of someone else's breakup. Rather than stepping back and preserving any chance of things working out at a more reasonable time in the future, you're pushing at a time when she is flaked out and is clearly NOT relationship material.

 

Nobody here can stop you from ramming yourself into a wall. If you insist on pursuing this right NOW instead of telling her you're walking away while you both still think highly of one another and to let you know when she's fully free and available and healed from her breakup in the future, you're setting yourself up to be the rebound guy.

 

Think.

[gunslingor]

Its absolutely a choice. As you demonstrated above, you set your sites on someone and ignore red flags and obvious signs.

 

Well, I've been staying far away from her, like a week without contact. She texted me late last night and invited me to go out with her the following night. I was already asleep, so I got the text this morning. I told her maybe I had to see if I could move things around... I moved things around... and she canceled on me yet again. This is pretty brutal. She seems to not be able to stay away me but then she keeps canceling because she says she want's to protect me, she said I should block her number... I probably should but I won't, I like her too much. I really really like this girl, flaws and all, I hate the situation. I know you guys think I should drop her completely, but I can't. So I ask, how do I get her to see me? She can't seem to stay away from me even though she thinks its best for me and I don't want to stay away from her, how can I make this happen?

[catfeeder]

I know you guys think I should drop her completely, but I can't. So I ask, how do I get her to see me? She can't seem to stay away from me even though she thinks its best for me and I don't want to stay away from her, how can I make this happen?

 

Since you can't manipulate someone into changing her behavior, you're just setting yourself up for more of the same until you grow tired of it enough to respect yourself.

 

You can do that if you want. Some people do need to take the long road and the hard way to learn how to stop positioning themselves badly. You keep opting to walk into a propeller blade, and you get to decide when to stop doing that.

 

Good luck.

[Ms Darcy]

I think she just likes the attention. She knows she has your attention when she promises to hang out. Her heart/emotions are with the ex she's living with. You are at best a rebound.

 

If you don't block her, you will end up very hurt.

[charity]

personally i think you have to look a bit deeper at yourself (rather then her), and ask yourself why you are willing to put up with someone doing this to you. you have admitted that you have gone for girls like this in the past so this is a pattern. do you thrive on getting what is hard to get? you are loving this girls good points but you are ignoring some very obvious bad points that she is specifically using on you. she is holding you on a string, calling then cancelling, playing with your emotions and you are sucking it up. instead you should be refusing to played like this.