Over-reacting? Brutally honest answers, please!

[Michmich432]

My boyfriend of almost 3 years got the call that his mother needed another heart surgery a couple of days ago. She has had a few issues the past year or so and unfortunately, hasn't been following her doctors orders and keeps ending up in the hospital. This doesn't take away from the severity of the situation, but we have been through this so much, I'm exhausted and I'm sure he must be too. Like many others, we struggle to pay our bills, despite the fact that we both have income coming in. He has missed 2 days so far sitting up at the hospital, which I completely understand! I would do the same! But they have her straightened out again and she is doing good, yet he's talking about missing more work to continue to stay, even though there are many other family members there who don't work and can more than handle the situation. So am I a terrible person for wanting to urge him to go to work tomorrow and try to get a few more hours in before the end of the check period? Our bills must be paid! If his mother wasn't okay I would definitely say that him being there takes precedence over bills by a long shot! But she is fine and well taken care of. Please be honest, as I am so used to family members of my own falling ill, maybe I've been desensitized to the situation or something. I'm just worried about our bills being paid. Am I a terrible person?

[Edmund Exley]

I don't think you are a terrible person, I just think you and he share different views. My wife would share your boyfriends view, I would share yours.

 

I went back to work the day after my dad was buried. People there were surprised, I did what my dad would have done and wanted me to do.

 

Do your best to support him. The bills will get paid and will always be there. His mother wont and you don't want him to resent you for time he missed with her when she's gone.

[itsallgrand]

No, you aren't a terrible person. It's a s/y situation, and it's not easy to know what to do.

 

Is there anything you two can cut from your expenses so that you can take off some of the financial pressure for a while? Or take on something on the side to bring in a bit more money?

 

Stabilizing your financial situation so there is emergency back up and you know you have that to turn to in situations like this would relieve so much of the tension.

 

I'm sorry, because it is such a tough spot to be in when you are dealing with family and money issues at the same time. My heart goes out to you guys.

 

My grandma recently passed away, after a short intense bout in the hospital. I had some uncles and aunts who were talking to me about how are they going to do this; wanting to stay there and yet needing to work for the money. I know one even drew out of her retirement fund; and she is already past the age of retirement and working as it is. Broke my heart.

 

So I think really the best thing you can do is take care of your financial house in a serious way right now. I think ...do what you have to...because in the future, things like this do happen, and they are what some people call 'plannable emergencies', as in, you know things like this can happen, so you can plan to have money set aside and situation set up to allow for it, so that you are not forced into situations of having to decide "can I stay with my mom one more night, or do I absolutely have to go back to work today even though I really don't feel I can handle that/want to be with her".

[tattoobunnie]

No one ever rolls over in their grave thinking, why didn't I work longer hours!!

 

Your loves ones aren't around forever. I work - ALOT. but imagine sitting at the hospital in pain or ill without your own children to support you. I know it seems like all the time, but family is his priority.

[Batya33]

I would stay out of it completely. End of story. I also feel for your tough situation financially and I understand what he does impacts you. Would you have this financial situation if you lived on your own?

[Michmich432]

You're probably right, I don't want to influence him one way or another and he end up missing time with his mom. I guess it's the fact that he is on me about money a lot but he is the one in debt. I try my best to keep our finances separate, as we are not married, but we help each other out when needed. The truth is, I've had a few health issues myself and the bills are rolling in. I've been cursed with a very realist view on life and I know what will be will be but you still have to worry about your own life. Like I said, If she was still in the woods with her problem and we were still worried I would never say a thing! But the truth is, she is fine, thank God! She has a daughter and her mother both ready and willing to take care from here, he is just very very afraid of losing family members. I'm so torn. I'll never say a word to him, just wish he'd see that she's fine and we can visit her sometime this weekend when we are both off work instead of missing more work! Thanks everyone

[SooSad33]

It would do him some good to get OUT of there & return to work.

Maybe he's a bit fearful or something more going wrong?

 

I'd suggest he seek some therapy for this maybe?

 

But, yes he does have to do his best to return to work as your life goes on. I'd suggest he do so and that it'd be good for him to get away from there for a few days.

[catfeeder]

he is the one in debt. I try my best to keep our finances separate, as we are not married, but we help each other out when needed.

 

All the more reason not to risk the health of your relationship by pressuring him away from doing what he wants to do. It's his debt, his mother and his choice to make. If you weigh in, you risk causing resentment from him--so even if the bills get paid, now you have a problem of a different kind.

 

If the whole point of 'helping one another out' regarding money is to express love, then express the love ~now~ by backing off on this. You will thank yourself later.

[Ms Darcy]

Repeat the bold part to yourself. You are a gf, not a wife. It's not your place to advise him to go to work to pay your shared bills. It's not wise to have shared bills with a bf to begin with. But if he's not meeting his share, that's when it's time to have a talk with him about what he owes.

[mhowe]

Agree with EE....I returned to work after the death of both my parents. However...I also only worked part time for 4 months while my mother was dying. However...my bills were paid and I have no debt. Your bf was accruing debt before his mothers health issues. He is not financially responsible and likely never will be. Time to evaluate whether you can live like that.