My sister does not want our parents and me to attend her wedding

[darcyausten]

My sister - four years my younger - has finally decided to marry her boyfriend much against our parents' approval. Initially, I was against the match, but then my freeworld philosophy got the better of me and I told her to do whatever she wants to.

 

The problem is she doesn't want us to attend her wedding. She is marrying a man who is not a Catholic. So, the vows are to be taken in the Sacristy and not before the altar. And there is to be no wedding mass either.

 

Any which way, she is marrying and I thought attending the marriage is the right thing to do. So, I asked her when she is to take her vows for I have to book the plane tickets accordingly.

 

Initially, she said she was not quite sure when for she had to get the 'allowed-to-marry' certificate from the bishop. So I asked when would she be able to let me know - next week, perhaps? That got her to explode into "You don't give me a deadline! I don't work with deadlines." Well, I told her Mother wanted to come along and she would like to be present for the wedding.

 

To that she said, it's okay if no one comes for there is to be neither a mass nor a ceremony!

 

I admit things have been bad between us. She has always tried to dominate over me and get me to listen to what she had to say without so much as acknowledging my point of view. And quite recently, I took matters in my hand and changed that equation. I told her my life is my business just as she thinks her life and whatever she does is hers. And I also told her she does not merit the right to advise me when she takes virtually no suggestion from me.

 

Evidently then, we have been reduced to merely saying the cursory hi hello over the telephone before I pass the phone on to Mother or Father.

 

And now this has happened. I did seek advice from my friends. Only one told me to do what I think I should do - which is not attend the wedding and be done with it. Two others are coaxing me to attend the wedding and be done with it. For - according to them - I am not "thinking about what will happen 8 to 10 years down the line." One did say I must not harbour hatred against her. But quite frankly, I feel none of it. I feel rather free and not the least bit worried about my thinking of not attending the wedding at all.

 

So I ask you, ladies and gentlemen: What is your say in this matter?

[Seraphim]

I definitely wouldn't gate crash the wedding of somebody who didn't want me there not even a relative's wedding . If she doesn't want you there don't push.

[darcyausten]

The thing is, Victoria, I agree with you. And I am finding it a bit strange that I am this cool about the proceedings. I was never known to be this way - not feeling at all!

[Seraphim]

Just let her remember her wedding as a happy day and the way she wants it. That is the best solution. Years from now you may end up friends who knows.

[agent1607307371]

I think the friends advising you to gatecrash are incredibly wrong. Maybe she will regret it, maybe she won't, but it's her wedding and she gets to say how it goes.

 

More important is to think about the kind of relaitonship you want to have with your sister going forward. You might never be friends, but you can still treat each other with respect.

[Fudgie]

I don't think you should crash either. It's her wedding and if she doesn't want you or your family there, well, that's her choice. Showing up anyway will only make things worse between you two. It's a waste of a plane ticket, IMO. I'm definitely of the opinion that if it's someone's wedding, they can decline anyone that they want to.

[journeynow]

Sounds like there is animosity between you two, and very little (if any) love and support. She can choose who and how she marries and who she wants with her. Respect that, even if you refuse to give her your blessing or share her happiness.

[Snny]

Crashing a wedding is tacky and incredibly rude. The two friends who suggested this should be taken out back and shot (not literally) for even encouraging this childish idea. It's rude to expect the bride and groom to accommodate uninvited guests, not to mention how embarrassing it would be to draw that much attention to yourself.

 

The bride and groom might also have security at their wedding to escort you out too. I just couldn't imagine being the A-Hole that crashes a wedding, and then gets approached by a venue coordinator or security guy: "Excuse me, it appears that all the seats at this table are full and yet I have a guest here who is assigned to this table. Perhaps somebody made their way to the wrong table, does everybody have their escort cards? Oh, you don't have one? Let me see what table you should be assigned to... what's your name?... you aren't actually a guest on the list, and the couple has cleared it with me very thoroughly. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to ask you to leave so that the couple's guests can take their seats." Ugh how embarrassing.

 

How would you feel about people who you didn't invite came to your wedding and reception?

 

Initially, she said she was not quite sure when for she had to get the 'allowed-to-marry' certificate from the bishop. So I asked when would she be able to let me know - next week, perhaps? That got her to explode into "You don't give me a deadline! I don't work with deadlines." Well, I told her Mother wanted to come along and she would like to be present for the wedding.

This was rude too. If she wants to invite you, she will send an invitation. She is trying to dodge the question of telling you when the wedding will happen because... She doesn't want to invite you.

 

I think you have to realize that your sister wants to be her own person and not have any ties with her family. Though this hurts, it is her decision. After all, you did mention this:

I told her my life is my business just as she thinks her life and whatever she does is hers. And I also told her she does not merit the right to advise me when she takes virtually no suggestion from me.

So she is doing exactly what you told her: to live her life however and to NOT take any advice from you. You basically told her to F off... And when the time comes for her wedding, she will look back on this conversation and think "Hmm... My brother told me this... Why should I have him at my wedding?"

 

I think this conversation right here put a dent on your relationship with her on top of her parents not supporting her relationship with her boyfriend. Right now you need to work on your relationship with your sister than just worry about getting a wedding invitation from her.

[mhowe]

This is fairly straightforward. Neither you nor your parents are invited. Therefore... You don't go.

[annie24]

Don't crash a wedding (unless you are Owen Wilson or Vince Vaughn)! Unless you get an invite, don't book yourself a flight. You can send her a present and a card though, to take the high road.

[DancingFool]

It's her wedding and her life and how she chooses to conduct that is her business. If you are not invited, you don't go. It's that simple. Just because you are related doesn't create some kind of a superior right for you to be at the wedding, especially when it's clear that there are lot of tensions, disagreements and hostilities going on in terms of who she is marrying and how. If you care for her, then let her live her life and make her own mistakes and be there for her only if she reaches out to you for help.

[darcyausten]

Thank you lovely people! It's interesting what a completely disassociated perspective can throw up as suggestions and solutions.

 

Well, Mother called her and God alone knows the specifics of that conversation. Apparently, now I am told she wants us present at the wedding - even if we have to stand and admire the insides of the Sacristy!

 

Truth be told, I am just tired of it all! It's been dragging on and on and finally, she decides to marry. True, my equation with her is no longer the way it was and it will never be so anymore. And I realize that. And at the same time, I am tired of being assigned the role of "The shoulder to cry on". The shoulder's been used a bit too often for its own comfort. And I just need to take it along and head for the mountains...

[darcyausten]

Yes you're quite right. As an aside, there is to be no ceremony, forget security! And venue coordinators here are just too high brow to be squeezed into a wedding budget (of which there is none here).

[Circe]

To be honest, even after reading your very first post the impression I got was NOT that she had asked you and your mum to stay away from the wedding - merely that she was getting a little fed up with your and your mother's negative attitude about it all.

 

If she has asked you to attend her wedding, I would certainly attend, and drop the attitude. She's your sister. She may not take your advice very often but she's still your sister.

[journeynow]

If you dislike your sister so much, perhaps it is best you do not go.

[Parsley]

I think you need to prepare yourself before you go. If she is to have a happy wedding day she will not need her family looking down in the whole thing. The amount of times you have referred to the wedding being in the Sacristy gives me the impression that the whole time you are there you will be to some degree judging it. So what if the fiancé isn't Catholic? He is obviously accepting and respectful of her faith to to be happy to have the wedding in any part of the church, regardless of whether there is a mass or not.

 

If you want her to have a happy, stress free day, prepare yourself and your parents to go and feel true happiness for her whether the wedding is in the Sacristy or the car park. Let her know that you are happy to be going and looking forward to her day, not just going because she is your sister. You do not want to be the worry at the back of her head, what will they say, are they going to be casting looks about them, etc etc.

 

Love is love is love. Celebrate her happiness with her husband, and try to build some bridges.

 

P

 

Xx

[Snny]

So what if the fiancé isn't Catholic? He is obviously accepting and respectful of her faith to to be happy to have the wedding in any part of the church, regardless of whether there is a mass or not.

We don't know this. I dated guys who weren't Catholic and actually tried talking me out of Catholicism. That might be why her parents do not want her to marry him.

[Parsley]

Snny what I'm saying is that if he wanted nothing to do with her faith and did not want her to be a part of it, getting married in a church is not going to be something they'd be willing to do. I was brought up Catholic, marrying someone not of the faith still in the church is not a quick and simple thing to do. First, as mentioned, they need dispensation from the bishop, the catholic spouse must promise to remain catholic and raise any children as Catholics, you cannot have another ceremony (aka he can't say we'll do it here to please you then somewhere else), and they must take Pre Cana...a sort of pre marriage counselling with the priest on how to live their married life according to the faith.

 

Catholicism is not exactly known for tolerance and flexibility. If he hadn't agreed to these things, wedding in any part of the church is not happening.

 

P

 

X

[Snny]

He may have agreed to have a Catholic wedding to make the bride happy. It doesn't mean he is willing to convert to Catholicism or raise his family under the faith. It is so easy to lie to the priest during pre-Cana sessions/interview just to get the wedding arranged and approved (I'm a Catholic bride and have been through the process). No it isn't morally right, but it happens. My aunt married a Jewish man in the Catholic Church, but raised their kids in two different faiths; they are currently divorced partially because of religious differences.

 

We still don't know the background story on the guy. I still think it's important right now for the OP to focus on his relationship with his sister than worry about the man she's marrying.