Reasonable custody schedule for newborn?

[mindless14]

My son is 1 week old. The father and I are not together, we broke up when I was 6 months pregnant. He's remained very involved, there at every dr apt through my pregnancy, there for me in any other way possible, there for the birth, stayed in the hospital all 3 days with us. He's a great dad and overall a great person, we just are not compatible and no longer in love. Now comes the time that we have to each figure out how to be ok with giving up time with our baby to the other and figure out how much is enough with each of us, how much is too little, and whats best for the baby. We've agreed that it's not a good a idea for the baby to be away overnight until I return to work at 8 weeks. During that time he'd have to be with a sitter anyway if not his father, due to my work schedule. (I work 3.5 days on, 3.5 days off) We've agreed until then that he will stay at my house at night, to spend that time with the baby, and also help me out. During the day, he's here a little but, really isnt comfortable here with me and spends most of the day, if he's not working, at his house. Is it reasonable, and good for the baby, as far as being away from mom so early goes, for him to take the baby out somewhere or to his house to spend time for a few hours at a time a few days a week? No overnights, and he will still see him here and there during the day at my house if it is not a day he's taking him to his house. I plan to return to work when the baby is 8-9 weeks old, at which time, Dad will have him Sunday morning-wednesday afternoon. I will have him Wednesday afternoon through sunday morning. This schedule has worked great so far with our 4 year old. We each have exactly equal time and I do not work at all on the days I have them. I don't want the baby thrown into staying 3 nights at a new house so suddenly, and go through anxieties or confusion or even just missing me. Does it sound reasonable to once he's 6 weeks old, have Dad take him overnight one night a week for 3 weeks, then when I return to work take him for the regular schedule of 3 days? I don't want to be away from my kids for 5 minutes, but they need their dad also. I know newborns need their mom more at this point, but I don't want to be selfish, and dont want dad so uninvolved that the baby doesnt know who he is and ends up freaked out when dad has him half the week and he doesnt see me at all for that time. Also, I'm not trying to take any time from Dad. He deserves his time with them and truly is a great father. I just want whats best for the baby as far as his development and well being goes. It was so much easier with our 4 year old because he understands time, knows that he'll see dad these days and mom these days. He's able to call us if he's missing us, and we've been able to come together for anything big or special that has happened for him. But the baby, not understanding time and change, just seeing that he's in a new place and mom isnt there, I want that to have as little effect on him as possible. Are we going about this the right way?

[sophie274]

From what I understand and have seen on here, it is highly unusual for a newborn to have a 50-50 split schedule between mom and dad, even when mom and dad are 100% on the same page and the situation is totally amicable. I assume from what you've written you won't breastfeed after 6 or 8 weeks? Look, I don't have any children, but I think I would be very uncomfortable not seeing my newborn for 4 days in a row. Hopefully other parents with shared custody will chime in.

[sophie274]

I'm also now sure it's a good idea for him to stay at your house, even to help you, when you've recently broken up, he's moved in with his girlfriend who is a friend of yours, and you recently had sex with him even though he is living with her. Sounds like drama waiting to blow up, honestly. Can anyone else help you at home?

[Cheetarah]

I can appreciate you two trying to split time of your child evenly, but it's really not a good idea when the baby is so very young.

 

What many parents usually do are short + frequent visits in baby's primary home, slowly working up to taking baby outside of the home for visits, longer ones and overnights. Four days is a VERY long time for a newborn, and that's why frequent visits and contact are so important.

 

It's up to you as parents, of course. In my humble opinion, I don't think it's a good idea.

[Fudgie]

If he's a wonderful and able father and you are able to handle it too, I don't see why not! You are both of the parents. I don't personally so why a newborn must be tied solely to the mother unless you are breastfeeding.

[Cheetarah]

It has nothing to do with being tied to mom.

 

It has to do with an infant's concept of time. The younger the infant, the more important it is for them to have frequent contact with their parents. They have an innate bio need to be bonded to their caregivers. 4 days away from each caregiver would be very upsetting to a baby's ability to securely attach.

 

I think it's awesome, OP, that you two are amicable and really want to make this work. But I suggest before you bring anything in front of a judge to sign off on, you do a little research together with your ex about the care of a newborn/infant in separate homes.

[mindless14]

The 4 days with each of us wouldn't start until hes about 2 months old. For now its just a few days a week for a couple of hours at dads house. And once im back at work if hes not with dad he'd have to be with a sitter. I had the same job and hours when my oldest son was born the only difference was I was able to see him in between my shifts during the day and was with him at night. Hes offered to have the baby all day when im at work and then I pick him up at night and the overnights with dad start later. However I work from 6 am to 9pm. Im not sure that picking him up and dropping him off at those times would be so good for him and his sleep schedule either. He will be 9 weeks old when the 50/50 schedule will start.

[sophie274]

Is there no way for you to arrange to work 5 or 6 days a week, for shorter periods of time. 15 hours a day 3.5 times a week ... 50-something hours? Could you do 6 8 or 9 hour days, 5 10 hour days?? Your newborn could be with dad during half those days, and you'd see him in the morning and at night, and then you'd be with him in the mornings and evenings?

[mindless14]

The agency I work for only does these shifts. I work 40 hours a week. I have 3-4 hours off in the middle of the day monday and Tuesday's. I work a morning shift have a 4 hour break then a night shift. A straight 12 hour day Sunday and Wednesday 6am-1pm. There is no way to change these hours. Id like to ask my ex if I can see the baby during my breaks but I also dont know if he'll agree being that it cuts into his time. Especially if I end up deciding to have my ex keep him overnights due to the times id have to pick him up. My work schedule never effected my oldest son but he was in one home with dad and I and I saw him everyday and night. Does the schedule ive come up with seem reasonable? And will my baby be ok with this?

[Batya33]

I would talk to your baby's pediatrician about how healthy it is for him to be in two separate environments -will he have a safe place to sleep at each house? Are you both trained in CPR? Both trained in how to prevent the risks of SIDS? How will his milk/formula be transported? It sounds disruptive to the newborn's sleep schedule and environment but I'm no expert -just a mom.

[Fudgie]

Given your shifts and your inability to change them, your schedule makes sense. I would check with the baby's doctor but it makes sense. I mean, what are you going to do, stop working and stay home? You need your sleep too so it makes sense for your ex to have the baby during your working days so you could come home and get some meaningful sleep, not have to tend to a baby during that time, that would be really hard.

 

I don't know, at 8 weeks, I think the child can handle it. I mean, life happens, what are you going to do?

[abitbroken]

I think taking the baby overnight is unreasonable right now, particularly if you are breastfeeding. I don't think the baby should be carted back and forth at such a vulnerable age. Definitely not before 8 weeks for sure. I think its reasonable to have limited visitation right now and when they baby is sitting up and more interactive, then more. Right now while you are recovering from birth, seeing the baby with you present for short times or watching the baby while you go to the store for a short time is reasonable. Overnights are not.

[Cheetarah]

If you have no choice and no flexibility in your working hours, then you have no choice.

 

It's different with your oldest in that you still saw him every night/day when you got home. I would definitely talk to your ex about popping in to see your son on your breaks. You definitely want as much face to face contact as you can have with him.

[lavenderdove]

Most people do not have overnights or days with newborns like that... it is more usual for the child to stay with the mother (for breastfeeding etc.) and the father to have visitation either taking the baby out of the house for a few hours or visting in the house for a few hours. The mother may work and pump milk for when she works, but she is not usually separated from teh baby for days at a time.

 

I would talk to your pediatrician about the long separations from your newborn and what his recommendations are.

[avman]

While it isn't common for that type of schedule with newborns - that is more the reality when the parents don't get along very well. 4 days is indeed a long time for a newborn, yet still your son would be going back and forth between his mother and father and learning to bond with both of you. If both of you are on the same page with coparenting, cordial to each other, flexible in trying to meet the baby's needs while balancing work and other responsibilities then I think it will work. I would never recommend it for two parents who did not cooperate completely though. Especially if there was any change one of the parents wasn't going to live up to the schedule on a completely consistent basis.

[mindless14]

I should add here that im not breastfeeding. He is exclusively formula fed. Has been since birth. I have no worries at all about his father keeping his sleep/feeding schedule intact. I have no worries for his safety. The only worry I have is that his bonding with me and with his father will suffer when he is not seeing each of us for 3 days at a time. Its pretty close to impossible to see him on the days I work unless my ex were to live with me, which is obviously not an option. We broke up and he moved out for a reason. I just dont want the baby forgetting either of us while he's with the other and I dont want him feeling stressed not understanding home because of being moved back and forth. Is 2 months old enough to be ok with this since he will be with either me or his father and have the consistency of a primary caregiver with him at all times?

[Fudgie]

I don't see why not at 2 months. Many people go back to work earlier than that and they have to put the baby in daycare or something. If a 2 m/o (or less) baby can handle daycare, your baby will handle this. Your baby will do better, in fact, because there 2 consistent caregivers who happen to be the parents, not a rotation of random daycare workers.

 

I'm happy that your ex is happy and capable of being a good dad to your baby and that he can take the child while you work those grueling shifts.

[CatsMeeoow]

You also have a 4yr old? This 4yr old is on this schedule of visitation? I think its great to keep both kids on the same schedule.

 

Your baby will do fine but the key is communication - and to make things easier use a journal to keep track of poopy diapers and how much last fed. Your work schedule is non-traditional and those are hard on new mommies with newborns but if you've managed to work out care with his father during those times - fantastic! I'm glad you are on good terms with the baby's father. This helps when you are on break from work and would really like to spend some time with your son - you can perhaps stop by and have some quick private time.

 

I think keeping the kids together is what is best. Its what I would do in the same situation.

 

Sounds like you've figured this out.

[mindless14]

My ex has decided he'd like overnights to start now at 2 weeks old. He is willing to compromise with me so what we've been doing is he takes the baby for 5 hours a day and no overnights. Im wondering if maybe I should let him take the baby for maybe just one overnight a week starting now? Maybe that will also help the baby so 3 nights won't be such a shock at 6 weeks. He seems to not be phased at all by being there 5 hours a day. I was worried about him being confused but maybe this is the way to show him he's at home at both places? Opinions before I bring it up to dad?

[CatsMeeoow]

Honestly I think you and your ex are dealing very well with one another - very mature and kudos!!!

 

That step alone will help your children feel loved and secure in both of their homes.

 

Personally what will help your newborn the best is a consistent schedule. If you feel comfortable and you know he is well taken care of by his dad then by all means start the overnights. Give it a trial run. This will also help you relax better once you do have to go to work because you know your child is already adjusted fine.

 

Newborns are not born knowing they should only have 1 home. The key is communication and being open with the father about any health or behavior concerns. If the two of you are on the same page your baby will do wonderfully!

[avman]

I agree, I think you and your ex are working it out just fine. So whatever is acceptable to you both will be just fine. Sounds like your son does great with dad so the two of you can do whatever works best.