I'm extremely worried and not sure what to do about this..

[renaissancewoman101]

Background to what is going on:

 

T and I still talk on the phone here and there. He calls me or I call him. This afternoon, he called me to find out some stuff and just to chit chat. We ended up talking about a heavy subject (someone I know well killed himself yesterday) for a little bit, but then T blew up about how he was tired and busy and didn't want to talk about heavy stuff and he had a lot on his plate. T is always upset about work and angry about it. He then hung up on me. With a bit of calling back a few times, he finally picked up and yelled at me and hung up on me a few times. Finally I got him to talk and he said he was tired of me and that I don't change and that I keep calling his name out (he has bad connections on his phones because he's cheap and won't replace his cell phones). Also, with my phone line, he wants to wait for the iPhone 6 to come out before replacing. We then talked back and forth for a bit and he calmed down a bit. He says he doesn't have time for my pettiness and weirdness and such and he wishes I would not be so weird. I don't know why he is acting like this. He says I am sappy and I live in the past.

 

I'm not sure what to do with him. I guess I won't call him for a while. I really hope this blows over. I am scared. I've done a lot for him and he knows that. I've always been there for him. I do have a life of my own too, but when things get scared I worry a lot about what will happen between us. We have almost a twenty year friendship. I really hope he doesn't toss it away.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I made a wrong choice in bringing him to my brother's wedding. He got real weird over there and he cried when they got married. If I had known this was coming down the pike I would NOT have taken him to the wedding. I wanted him to meet my extended family and get to know them better. He told me he was happy to go to the wedding and that he was happy for my brother.

 

What should I do now? He's been like this before, but it hasn;t been like this in years. I have no idea why he is so angry again.

 

I am very scared and I don't want to lose him stupid pettiness. A 20 year friendship is worth more than that.

[jjkk]

First of all, the next time someone blows up at you and hangs up, don't keep calling them back! That's just asking to escalate the situation.

 

As far as the general anger, he could have depression. Perhaps when he's in a mellow space you could gently approach him and let him know you're concerned and wonder if he feels like he should see someone (a physician) about it to make sure he's ok. If this sets him off, I'd suggest just not engaging in his anger anymore. Meaning if you're having a conversation and he starts getting pissed off, just say you have to go, then click. Don't turn it into a dramatic ordeal, no drama, no accusations, just you have to go. Don't feed it.

 

If he's unwilling to get help for this, you may have to decide if it's worth keeping the friendship and if so I'd suggest the above, remove yourself every time he gets angry.

[renaissancewoman101]

I know I shouldn't. It escalates things. Been there done that. It's just that things right now have been rocky. Normally I hang out with him and his bf, every weekend. But, because of his bf issues, I haven't seen them in over 2 weeks. I haven't gotten into this big of an argument with him in quite a while. Its just that I get worried, especially when things rise up to rock the boat.

 

He is frustrated a lot during the week with his job. It's been like this for a long time.

[renaissancewoman101]

Please help me!! I don't want to lose his friendship.

[SooSad33]

" T is always upset about work and angry about it. He then hung up on me. With a bit of calling back a few times, he finally picked up and yelled at me and hung up on me a few times. Finally I got him to talk and he said he was tired of me and that I don't change and that I keep calling his name out (he has bad connections on his phones because he's cheap and won't replace his cell phones). Also, with my phone line, he wants to wait for the iPhone 6 to come out before replacing. We then talked back and forth for a bit and he calmed down a bit. He says he doesn't have time for my pettiness and weirdness and such and he wishes I would not be so weird. I don't know why he is acting like this. He says I am sappy and I live in the past."

 

This is your 'friend'?

 

Re his 'anger', I suggest you mention to him to look into some therapy on the anger issues?

[DieTeufelKatze]

I'll be frank... This doesn't seem like a healthy relationship to me. It seems to have taken the place of a primary relationship both in your life and even somewhat with T, who's primary relationship really should be with his boyfriend. That is why you run into so many issues (i.e., jealousy) with his bf - you and T's relationship is more than just a friendship to you, and to some extent, to T as well. It's natural that his bf would be irritated by never having weekends to just be with T, as their relationship is primary and not just a "friendship," thus has higher priority.

 

My advice is to begin cultivating more relationships with other friends at this point, if nothing else but to take the pressure off the relationship you have with T. Work on feeling okay with being by yourself and having a greater circle of people you can rely on for emotional support, so you don't feel so dependent on T.

 

Relationships evolve and change, that's just the way life is. Sometimes we can even loose friendships that span decades, it's unfortunate, but it does happen. You can't force T to maintain a relationship that he may feel has run its course. It's painful, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but it's reality.

 

You may have unresolved abandonment issues that are making this more traumatic than it really should be for you. If that's the case, I think you should consider seeking therapy for it. It will make any friendships and relationships in the future easier for you. Really, you shouldn't have to feel like you have to rely on this one person so much, it seems like an awful lot of drama to me. Having others to rely on for emotional support would help you right now.

[renaissancewoman101]

He's always had anger issues. His mom and I have suggested to him MANY TIMES to go see a therapist to get on some anxiety medications. He manifests his anxiety out in anger and frustration. He's been like this since I've known him in college. He used to be A LOT worse than this. He used to take his anger out on me in ways that were not nice.

 

Don't take me wrong. I have things that are wrong with me too. I get clingy and sappy and repetitive, and I suffer from horrible anxiety. My anxiety sometimes causes problems for me at work, especially when I have to deal with clients or lead a meeting. I tend to get real nervous and have to take xanax to calm down so I can power through it.

[renaissancewoman101]

This relationship is quite odd I know. We have a weird push/pull dynamic going on. I know his bf gets upset when I spend Sat nights at the house, although he never "tells" me. It comes out in weird ways. There have been times I have gotten tired of the Sat night going out to dinner ritual where we have to make sure his bf is not offended, upset, etc. about where we go eat, what we do, etc. to the point I have actually NOT come over on a weekend. The odd thing is, when I tell T that I don't want to come over, he BEGS me to come over since he can't deal with his bf and his silent treatment. Sometimes I capitualate and go over and do the Sat thing. I don't like staying overnight there anymore mainly because we don't do anything at night except go to dinner, come home, his bf goes up to bed, I fall asleep on the couch and T falls asleep on the other couch and the dog sleeps with him. The nights I decide to leave after his bf goes to bed, T begs me to stay.

 

The whole relationship is a poisonous mess. I know a lot about their lives, because they fight in front of me a lot and T's bf tells me that they have no sex life (T has confessed to me that he has very little sex drive and that it drives his bf nuts). I dunno why T tells me all this.

 

I DO have a life outside of my life with them. I skydive (do tandems) for fun and have a whole bunch of skydiving buddies. I hang out at the DZ with them most weekends and I do go to parties that they hold. T always calls me when I am out at these things, chats with me, and when I tell him I want to go out to dinner with my skydiving buddies, he gets sad and would rather I hang with him and his bf.

 

As I said before, there is a very odd push/pull thing between us.

 

I do have extreme abandonment issues that mostly has to do with my parents and I. My parents do love me and they tolerate me, but I have been told many times by my mom that she wishes that I was taller and that I didn't look so odd, since she thinks that is why I am unmarriageable and can't find guys. I do have some dwarfism in me, so I am abnormally small. She picks on me a lot and compares me to my brother, who she and my dad worship since he is tall, has a great career, got his life together, just got married, etc. Then there is me, the one who can't do things right, or meet a guy to marry.

 

I am glad to be able to write this out. I was so panicked earlier this evening. I ended up taking a prescription Xanax to help calm me down. I got a prescription for that a while back ago, when I was going through some stressful work situations.

[sara-pezzini]

i agree with teufelkatze, i am not sure how long T and his bf are an item? but i would be extremely annoyed if someone hung out with me and my bf every weekend, that isn't healthy, their relationship needs to develop and you need to do/have some hobbies on your own, that way you will also both have more to talk about when you do meet up, but a friendship should never come in the way of a relationship, in ways it seems like you and T are the couple and his bf is just hanging out with you, and i can imagine that that will upset the bf, i think it would annoy anyone....

maybe some more distance will help fix this, because T gets grief from his bf about this and therefore he lashes out at you and that isn't right for anyone...

i know the fear of losing a friendship but sometimes even the best and longest of friendships can fall apart, happened to me too this year, i let go of a friend of 15 years, we had just grown apart, nothing you can do...

[petite]

Quite honestly, Ren T is plain and simply put abusive, controlling and selfish. You need to cut those strings and put him in his place. Tell him to sort his drama out with his boyfriend and that I don't want to hear about it. Send him an email telling him you will no longer tolerate his tantrums and if he wants to hang up and treat someone like a piece of trash he can find someone else because you've had it and deserve better!

 

Do not make excuses for him, do not let him off the hook easily. Everyone has problems and drama but that doesn't mean he can treat you anyway he wants ad that you should just put up with it.

[Seraphim]

The problem here is that this friendship means far more to you than it does to him. It is nice to keep lifelong friendships but that is not always possible. Keeping this friendship with him is dragging you down Renny. It is keeping you from having your own life. And his outbursts at you are childish ,ridiculous ,petty and hurtful. You don't need friends like that. This weird triangle that you have going on with him and his boyfriend is just really holding you back in life. Don't hang onto a friendship because you're too afraid to be without these friends. This codependency is far too harmful to your life.

 

I am sorry about the loss of your other friend, Renny. And for him to not want to talk to you and give you nothing but insults after a friend kills himself is just really mean and douchy. Do you really need a friend like that? And do you really need to make excuses for the fact that he's got an anger problem he won't correct? I don't think so. Maybe if he starts losing friends he might want to correct this problem.

[metrogirl]

There is a long history of him acting like a nut, being nasty to you and seemingly everything goes somewhat normal again. You've been on this forum a long time and you've seen the old adage, 'we teach people how to treat us'. He acts like this with you because you let him. He knows there are no boundries, that he can act as obnoxiously and vile as he wants and you will come running back for more because you constantly seek validation from him. He's no different than the male abuser that hits his wife, tells her it's her fault he hit her and she apologizes for making him mad.

 

The whole thing is unhealthy. Yes, you have been friends for a long time but that doesn't mean you are meant to stay friends for another twenty. Quite honestly, he doesn't deserve your friendship. You are far too kind to be his friend.