What do you bring to the table?

[Dougie_D]

This goes back to your refusal to consider meeting women anywhere but a bar. Put yourself in a superficial situation, and you'll get superficial results. Meeting people cold or on the internet is going to lead to more judging of looks, etc., because that's all anyone has to go on in those scenarios. Whereas getting to know people through work, school, shared interests, mutual friends, etc., will allow people to get to know the real you.

 

Not sure why the bar scene is so terrible. I'd think it's way better than going to a club every night. I don't go to school. I've gone to these meet-up groups before. I only like the board game group.

 

Let's be honest, where did you or your girlfiends meet guys?

[Capricorn3]

Let's be honest, where did you or your girlfiends meet guys?

I met him at work.

[Fudgie]

Clubs and bars are both terrible. It's a meat market. First impressions are mostly physical and it's a crap shoot because the only thing you know you have in common with these people is that you all drink.

 

I've met men through mutual friends/school and online. I've used dating sites but I've had my best luck with unconventional online meet ups. Just funny how life works like that.

 

Bars and clubs are awful. Stop going to them. You're wasting your time and money.

 

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[BigKK]

Bars and clubs are the two worst places to "meet" people unless you're looking for one night stands.

[Batya33]

My serious relationships I met at work, through friends, through a personal ad (in the 1980s- a written one) and at a friend's party.

[Rosti87]

Hello stranger!

[bulletproof]

Not sure why the bar scene is so terrible. I'd think it's way better than going to a club every night. I don't go to school. I've gone to these meet-up groups before. I only like the board game group.

 

Let's be honest, where did you or your girlfiends meet guys?

 

How are you "not sure" that bars aren't ideal? Have you gotten a relationship out of going to bars yet?

I have met guys at work, school, through friends, through volunteering, through hobbies, etc. Most of my friends have also, and they've met people online as well. I know a few people who met their bf/gf in bars, but the majority did not. It's the exception as opposed to the rule, in my opinion.

[abitbroken]

Ok "what you bring to the table" is who you are and what qualities you have and what experiences and preferences you have that may or may not compliment or add to the same of a given woman. What i bring to the table may be wonderful for some guys and not for others. The better things you can bring to the table, the better. Right now, if you have poor self esteem, are still "not sure what you want to be when you grow up" and can't carry a conversation with a woman unless you immediately judge her, you don't have so much to bring to the table right now unless you are looking for a woman who wants a guy she can plow over completely and wants to fix in an unhealthy way.

 

Dougie, people have given you so much advice and the following is true:

 

1) You don't want to meet women anywhere but a bar whether its stubbornness or laziness. You are hearing from people who have successfully had relationships and they are all telling you they did not meet the love of their life in a bar but you don't want to hear that.

 

The only exception may be people who are/were 18-21 and met someone in college at a place near campus. But when we start to get to be over that age, the eligible and emotionally complete people our age are generally not going to bars to look for dates. They are home getting ready for work the next day. They could be out for a drink with a friend early in the evening to talk and don't want a stranger hitting on them, or they could be reluctantly tagging along for a ladies night and want to hang with their friends. They are not going to "see who they can meet"

 

2) You don't want to try therapy or any type of support group or if you are a person of faith, a faith based group that delves into that realm of something more. You just want the quick magic answer, such as lose exactly 7 pounds or wear more purple or go to this corner at this time of day. You have no desire to dig deep in there to truly make some headway on what is eating at Dougie or to gain confidence in this arena. There is no magic answer.

 

3) You don't want to try Toastmasters or any other group that is meant to help people handle their anxiety of public speaking or talking to people in general or making connections. There are other similar groups as well.

 

 

 

The things you are willing to do is soooo narrow!

 

Btw, if you do join some different groups, go to counseling or therapy and stop looking for love at bars - you WILL end up being a guy who has more to bring to the table eventually!

 

(btw, guys who are out of their 20s who hang at bars - unless they are at a sports bar with guy friends genuinely there to watch the game and have some wings and a beer - are sometimes seen as just a bit desperate, btw)

[renaissancewoman101]

Not sure why the bar scene is so terrible. I'd think it's way better than going to a club every night. I don't go to school. I've gone to these meet-up groups before. I only like the board game group.

 

Let's be honest, where did you or your girlfiends meet guys?

 

I'm single now, but two long-term relationships I've had, the first one I met in college (introduced by mutual friends), and the second one I met while engaging in a mutual hobby. I agree with the others, the best way to meet people (and potential relationships) is through hobbies, school, friends, etc. I never had luck with bar pickups or online dating. I'm not the cutest chick on the block, so I try to overcome that by meeting people through mutual hobbies, etc. That way people are not just so focused on looks and are already sharing in something that BOTH have an interest in.

[Dougie_D]

How are you "not sure" that bars aren't ideal? Have you gotten a relationship out of going to bars yet?

I have met guys at work, school, through friends, through volunteering, through hobbies, etc. Most of my friends have also, and they've met people online as well. I know a few people who met their bf/gf in bars, but the majority did not. It's the exception as opposed to the rule, in my opinion.

 

I struggle online. I'll message a lot of women and get no reply back. I'll see that they visit me but they never reply back.

 

I like going to the bars because it has my "interests". The vibe is there. Especially when it's more of a dive/hipster bar with darts and pool tables. There are many type of bars. Sports bars, lounge bars, and the venue/bars. A lot of the "meetup groups" are set at bars.

 

Every single girls number I've gotten has been at a bar. I "thought" I went out on a date with some afterwards but apparently they never called it that.

 

Before I came out to LA, all my friends went to the local bar to hang out. How many sitcoms/tv shows have where a bar is their "hangout"? It's probably the most social happy environment outside of college.

 

Anywhere else I go I start to have social anxiety. I'm more of myself at a dive bar/sports bar. I grew up in a HUGE college frat town in the south.

 

Without friends introducing you to other people you can meet, it's hard to grow your circle. When people are single, they are become outgoing by default in a way. When they get in relationships, they never go out, and their circle of friends start to get smaller. A lot of my co-workers keep to themselves outside of work. Plus, everyone who works is FULL time.

 

My closest friend I made in LA used to be my roommate.

 

Volunteering is something that I don't normally do. It feels like "work" rather than helping a good cause. Because you literally stand there and strap a bracelet on them or hand something out in the crowd.

 

I honestly don't know of any volunteering event where you even have time to chat with someone besides the closest person to you.

[Dougie_D]

I'm single now, but two long-term relationships I've had, the first one I met in college (introduced by mutual friends), and the second one I met while engaging in a mutual hobby. I agree with the others, the best way to meet people (and potential relationships) is through hobbies, school, friends, etc. I never had luck with bar pickups or online dating. I'm not the cutest chick on the block, so I try to overcome that by meeting people through mutual hobbies, etc. That way people are not just so focused on looks and are already sharing in something that BOTH have an interest in.

 

Where do musicians hang out at besides bars/venues?

[Fudgie]

Dougie,

 

I think you need to revamp your thinking a little. No, going to a bar is not a way to meet people with your interests. There's pool, darts, music, and alcohol. That's it. That's not real "interests". Those are just things to pass the time, and alcohol is for the taste/feeling a buzz. Just because that's where sitcom characters hang out doesn't mean that you are going to meet people there. Honestly, people who are out of college who have trouble breaking out of the bar/club scene end up being pretty lonely. It's not a place where you want to be. I never found it fun or social, to be honest. I would never go to a bar to meet people. There's a real "ick" vibe for me.

 

Meetups may meet at a bar, but meetups are different people with common interests join particular meetups. So that's a better option because even though you may join a meetup meeting at a bar, you're still guaranteeing that those people are into certain things, based on the meetup concept. It's way different than just going in by yourself.

 

You need to break out of your comfort zone and find new ways to relate to women.

 

Musicians hang out in other places besides bars/venues. Practice spaces, music stores, etc. But they aren't always at the bar. Actually, in my experience, they usually aren't there. They are off near the sound equipment and other things. Maybe instead of mulling around the bar, you could get there early and offer to help carry gear in for the people playing the gig.

 

OH, open mic nights at coffee shops. Lots of musicians. Usually acoustic gigs but hey, that's cool.

[Batya33]

"Volunteering is something that I don't normally do. It feels like "work" rather than helping a good cause. Because you literally stand there and strap a bracelet on them or hand something out in the crowd."

 

Volunteering is work. Very real work. Obviously handing out flyers or something where you just stand there is only one of many examples. I spent 7 years working at a homeless shelter -I read to children. I made several good friends and would have met someone to date had the timing been right.

 

If you insist on going to a bar to meet people then you will reap what you sow. I think you're just making excuses. You have to get out of your comfort zone if you have such a huge goal as to meet a good match for a long term relationship or marriage - it was a huge goal for me and I had to get out of my comfort zone many times over.

[bulletproof]

 

Anywhere else I go I start to have social anxiety. I'm more of myself at a dive bar/sports bar.

 

This should alarm you. If you feel social anxiety anywhere but a bar, there is a very good chance that you are using alcohol as a crutch (either for yourself, or depending on others to be drunk so they are easier for you to approach).

 

Again, I ask you: have you had any significant dating relationships stem from meeting someone in a bar? The answer is no. So basically you are saying that you are going to continue doing the same thing and hope for a different result, which is completely illogical.

[Fudgie]

Love in general requires that you go outside of your comfort zone. Anyone who says that falling in love and being vulnerable with someone isn't a scary experience at first has never truly been in love.

[Dougie_D]

This should alarm you. If you feel social anxiety anywhere but a bar, there is a very good chance that you are using alcohol as a crutch (either for yourself, or depending on others to be drunk so they are easier for you to approach).

 

Again, I ask you: have you had any significant dating relationships stem from meeting someone in a bar? The answer is no. So basically you are saying that you are going to continue doing the same thing and hope for a different result, which is completely illogical.

 

Every single phone number I've gotten post college has been at a bar. I went out on a few "dates" with some of those girls. I considered them dates, but the girls never did.

 

And I'm nowhere at the point where I need to have a LTR. That's just the honest truth. I need to date more.

[bulletproof]

Every single phone number I've gotten post college has been at a bar. I went out on a few "dates" with some of those girls. I considered them dates, but the girls never did.

 

And I'm nowhere at the point where I need to have a LTR. That's just the honest truth. I need to date more.

 

I'm not telling you that you need to be in a long-term relationship. But at the very least, wouldn't you like to go out with women who agree that they're on a date?

 

The reason that every single phone number you've gotten post-college has been from a woman in a bar is because that's the only way you attempt to meet them. But it's a completely moot point because these women are going out with you as friends. So how can you still say bars have been successful for you in terms of dating?

 

I don't think you realize that a lot of what you're saying here defies logic.

[Dougie_D]

I'm not telling you that you need to be in a long-term relationship. But at the very least, wouldn't you like to go out with women who agree that they're on a date?

 

The reason that every single phone number you've gotten post-college has been from a woman in a bar is because that's the only way you attempt to meet them. But it's a completely moot point because these women are going out with you as friends. So how can you still say bars have been successful for you in terms of dating?

 

I don't think you realize that a lot of what you're saying here defies logic.

 

I wouldn't know where to go hang out past 10 pm anyways. I go to the bars because I can walk to them now. LA is so spread out it hurts.

[Rosti87]

I used to live in LA. No-one drives from one end to the other to socialize. If you live in the South Bay that is usually where you play. If you live in West Hollywood, Fairfax, Santa Monica.... The same thing applies.

 

Another feeble excuse. What other ones do you have up your sleeve?

 

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[bulletproof]

Why do you have to go out past 10 pm? Don't you have to work in the morning?

 

You make a lot of excuses, then divert attention from the original subject. You asked, we answered. It's up to you to make changes in your life.

[John John]

Dougie - almost everyone on this forum has given you some really good advice at some point or another. TiredofVampires took time out of her day and gave you quite the epic post on another recent thread of yours.

 

You have to be willing to do the work. If you want results (meeting more women, more success with women, etc.), you have to do the hard work that comes first. Same with losing weight or getting a six-pack - if I want that, I have to bust my ass (diet and gym) to get it.

 

You have to decide what exactly it is that you want, and then go make it happen.

[Dougie_D]

Why do you have to go out past 10 pm? Don't you have to work in the morning?

 

You make a lot of excuses, then divert attention from the original subject. You asked, we answered. It's up to you to make changes in your life.

 

No.. I work nights. 5pm to 2am M-F. I get saturday and sundays off. When I get home, I usually go to bed at 4am or 5am and wake up around 2:30 the next day.

[tiredofvampires]

I'm not sure why I'm posting when you haven't responded to some of the core questions raised in this thread and in your last, and you just blow off anything resembling "the real issues." Even in this thread, you blew off my question in post #14. So this will be redundant at best, and quite a bit as futile as everyone else's engaging you, heroically as they persist.

 

But I just wanted to point out the obvious: your thread here has gotten horribly off-topic. Surely you've noticed, but since you're not in search of progress, so what, right?

 

You've had 7 years and 12 pages of threads discussing where you meet women and how and why. So this has been recycled enough times to choke a maggot. A prisoner in a 9x9 foot cell circling the floor and repeating his name 16 hours a day is less repetitive than your threads.

 

But that's what you are, Dougie. A prisoner in a 6x7x4 inch "prison cell" doing such a ritual. That would be in the prison sitting on top of your neck.

 

In the last thread, you asked, "How can I change my personality?" And in that thread I asked you what YOU think is the reason you don't have women expressing interest. You identified this: that you're doing "something" to turn them off. You just couldn't figure out what it was.

 

So it would seem once you hit that question, and that answer, you'd realize it doesn't matter whether you meet women on open mic night or closed mic night; whether you meet them after 10 p.m. or before 8:30 a.m.; whether you meet them in a dive bar or a club, at a Native American sweat lodge, the top of the Empire State Building, or the DMV waiting line; whether you live in L.A. or Atlanta or Boston or Seattle or in the middle of some town I'd have to look up because I don't know it exists until I google it, in Nebraska. It doesn't matter what time you go to work or get off work, whether you eat Cheerios or Pop Tarts for breakfast, whether you think the city is spread out as Donald Sterling's waistline or tight as thug's fist; it doesn't matter what car you drive and also doesn't matter if you fall asleep on your back or you're a stomach-sleeper.

 

All of this has been covered and covered and covered and covered and covered...and how does it answer the essential question(s) in that thread (or this), or the problems you identified in it? How do all these questions and answers on this thread which this has developed into even remotely relate to the OP you wrote? And what use was your OP? Why did you even bother asking what people bring to relationships? Were you even interested, and what was the significance of your asking for YOURSELF? Did you merely ask that so you could continue on to this masturbatory exercise of rehashing where you hang out, and all the other re-runs?

 

That last thread got 142 posts and 2,016 views. You have thousands of posters watching your threads, Dougie...watching to see if you have any light bulb moment. Rooting for you to show some sign of "intelligent design" -- you intelligently designing your life based on a new self-awareness. Only to see it degenerate every time into this useless prattle.

 

Don't you get tired of it? Tired of the wheel?

 

Of asking questions you have no intention of using the answers to?

 

Don't you ever look at it all and say, "Wow...this stuff I do must be part of the problem"?

 

Don't you bore yourself with the way you run, with your road-to-nowhere questions and responses?

 

Doesn't it bother you that you're preparing for a life sentence?

[Dougie_D]

I think I keep asking questions because I don't feel like I ever like the answers given.

[Capricorn3]

I think I keep asking questions because I don't feel like I ever like the answers given.

So we finally get to the truth. Dougie, the whole point is that you may not like the answers given, but that doesn't mean that you have to stop trying to improve your lot in life ... unless of course you really don't mind living like you do (which is beginning to look like it).

 

Also, the fact is, that you can continue posting these same old questions for the next seven years, but you will continue to receive the same answers anyway. So, it comes back to: what's the point of asking for advice, when you clearly have absolutely no intention of making any changes to improve your situation?