Living in the shadow of the ex-wife

[floridagirlal]

Hello all. It's been a long while since I've posted anything on here but I'm struggling again and need clarity.

 

I'm feeling like I'm living in the shadow of the ex wife. It feels like I'm just a replacement for her. It's like she stepped out and I stepped in and he doesn't recognize the difference in the two of us. I say this because I've really gotten fed up with the "mistakes" that he is making recently. For example, he recently wrote the ex-wife's birthday on a form instead of my birthday. He has called me "her" pet name. He was talking about my daughter and actually called my daughter by the ex-wife's daughter's name (not his child). There are a few more examples too. I realize that these are very small slips but when it keeps happening, it gets very frustrating and makes me feel like I'm not special enough to him for him to realize that I'm NOT the ex-wife.

 

Additionally, I am constanting having to listen to "friends" talk about the ex-wife and deal with his family and friends calling me her name.

 

We have been together for 6 years. Isn't this long enough that we should've been moved past all of this?

[jjkk]

Wow. I don't even know what to say. At first when I was reading your post I thought maybe you met and got married quickly and this was a new marriage in which case sometimes these "mistakes" happen but then I saw you've been together for 6 years! Yes, that's more than enough time to move past this. I understand occasional slips can happen, even years later but this sounds like an ongoing thing.

 

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

[shellyf62]

I think you should have nipped this in the bud years ago. Like JJKK said, I thought this was a new marriage too. When he first started doing it I would have pulled him up on it, and expressed my displeasure. Did you just let it slide to keep the peace?

 

It is very unfair for the family to talk about the Ex in front of you constantly, I would be very upset if this happened to me.

 

I am divorced & have never once called someone I am dating by my Exs name. There is something not right about your Husband doing this, obviously he still has feelings for her.

 

I would sit him down & tell exactly how hurtful it is to you, and that you need him to stop. Also tell him his family need to stop discussing her as well. It sounds like they have her on a pedestal for some unknown reason.

[Batya33]

Do they refer to the ex wife in the context of the child they share? I agree that he should not have this habit -it is disrespectful to you.

[floridagirlal]

Let me clarify a few things. I don't know if it will change anything but we have been married for 3 years, together total for 6. Also, the family is not discussing the ex. They keep calling me by her name! You can look in my profile and see where I've posted about this issue before a few years ago. There are some friends who will still talk about the ex and I can't understand why they continue to bring her up.

 

To answer your questions about how I have reacted, I have thrown a fit each time it happens.

 

I don't feel like he intends to hurt me with this and I don't think he means to do it. I don't think he has feelings for her either. I just don't feel like he is seeing me for ME...I feel like I am just a replacement "person" doing the ex-wife's job of being "the wife". I hope that makes sense.

[shellyf62]

I would be mortified if I called my Son's fiancé by his Ex Wife's name. That is just so rude & inconsiderate. What happens when the family call you the wrong name? Are they apologetic ? I would be livid !!!

 

I understand what you are saying. When my Ex married the woman he cheated with I felt like he just cut me out of the "family portrait" and stuck her in. It felt as though I was worthless & replaceable.

 

I am not sure what the solution is for you, but let me tell you I wouldn't be hanging around this long if they all called me by the Exs name, I would have been long gone.

[floridagirlal]

Shellyf ~ His family has never, ever apologized or even acknowledged when it has happened. I finally majorly flipped out about it last Christmas and he confronted his family. His mom ended up calling me to tell me that she would never hurt me and she was sorry that it had ever happened and she didnt' realize that it had been a problem. All I could think of was !!??? Do you think I LIKE it???!!!

 

So.......what do I do? I can't MAKE him see me for me instead of a replacement. I don't even know what to say to him at this point.

[Batya33]

I think your husband has to remind his family as much as needed to call you by your correct name and that if they don't/won't you can't see them anymore or at least see them less.

[ParisPaulette]

Sigh, I think I would start calling them all by other names then laugh and make jokes about how their absent-minded mistaking your name all the time is rubbing off on you. Obviously. But that's just me and it would take keeping a very straight, very sincere face while doing it. Then make a deal with everyone that you will try and remember their name when they remember yours.

[jjkk]

Sigh, I think I would start calling them all by other names then laugh and make jokes about how their absent-minded mistaking your name all the time is rubbing off on you. Obviously. But that's just me and it would take keeping a very straight, very sincere face while doing it.

 

Lol, I love this idea!

[shellyf62]

I am a biatchy kinda gal, and I couldn't do what Paris Paulette said.

 

If they called me the wrong name I would just give them the evil eye & say "excuse me, what is my name" ??? And if they kept doing it I would just pick up my bag & leave. It is beyond disrespectful to you.

 

Did you ever feel like your Husband loved you, or have things always been like this? Did they have a bad breakup? It sounds as thought she dumped him & he really isn't over her.

 

All I know is that I couldn't possibly stay in a relationship where I was second best.....

[SpottiOtti]

I am interested to hear what guys have to say about this. Because I wonder if it's one of those situations where the guy's like, "Oh, honey. What's the big deal?", or if they all find this as appalling as I and the other women so far have.

 

Has he made any effort to change this, with all the times you've told him over the years? Gosh, I don't even know what to think about this. How is your marriage otherwise?

[RainyCoast]

I've been through a similar ordeal with my ex. I found out later the ex and I shared some common characteristics and even looked alike a bit. However, in many many ways we could not have been different (her and I). They kept exchanging phone calls, she would call when she pushed some guys button and the bloke went into a rage and all of a sudden she "needed protection", her photos were everywhere, yes I did get called by her name, she would ring him up and demand (yes, demand) that he introduce us or share details about our relationship (sex life included) and all he kept saying was "she's just so happy for us". It evolved into him starting to expect me to be exactly like her even in areas where we couldn't have been more different. He kept explaining many of his unacceptable behaviors with "when I lived with Patricia...". Can't explain how fed up I was. I left and up to this day this beotch is his idealized idea of a girlfriend, he looks for that (her) in women still and gets pissed off at how "inferior" women are for not being more like this sl*t. She is still all that. Back then when we dated he'd get so upset when I demanded Pat be over and done with once and for all that he would defend her loudly, yell at me and scream that she will always be important "as a friend" and that if I didn't like it I could pack. I packed. What does he have? A bunch of women who got away because they were not her, plus her manipulation. And he glorifies her for it.

 

Tell him "you must love all about this person you're trying to pretend that I am" and leave. It's sick. Honestly, I can't tell you how much happier I am without the sicko and his ex.

[floridagirlal]

I am interested to hear what guys have to say about this. Because I wonder if it's one of those situations where the guy's like, "Oh, honey. What's the big deal?", or if they all find this as appalling as I and the other women so far have.

 

Has he made any effort to change this, with all the times you've told him over the years? Gosh, I don't even know what to think about this. How is your marriage otherwise?

 

Spotti,

 

I am interested in what guys have to say too! To be honest, I'm surprised that I've gotten this much feedback as I was really expecting to be told that I'm overreacting and to move on!

 

This is not something that happens from DH ALL the time. He does slip on occasion but it's not everyday, every week or even every month. Our marriage is fine with the exception of the occasional argument over a kid or something.

 

After all these years, could it still be habit?

[lavenderdove]

Look, you need to understand how the brain works. There is a term 'absent minded' that applies to situations where something that has been a habit for a long time, can pop out inadvertently because the brain goes on autopilot sometimes and runs down the wrong track. You are your husband's 'love object' and in the eyes of his family his 'partner', so if for years they referenced a particular name, the brain can easily misfire sometimes and retrieve that 'old' name for the new object.

 

So if this happens only a few times a year, it likely just a function of how the brain works and nothing that he/they can easily control. If it happens every week, then he has a different agenda of trying to irritate you (ie., a passive aggressive attempt to irritate you).

 

So really it is useless to scream at him over something that is essentially a brain fart or misfire related to a long term habit (using the ex-s name). You'll look witchy and controlling if you do take this out of proportion and not recognize how the brain works and overreact. And if you do tend to go off and throw fits like a toddler when you are displeased, it is certainly not going to give them incentive to NOT do things that irritate you and they will take those things that they know annoy you and do it to 'get even' for your bad behavior.

 

So you need to seriously calm down if this only happens every few months. And acknowledge that he has a long history before he even met you, and you can't exterminate memories of his ex to the point he will never have a brain fart about her name.

[RainyCoast]

No, it's not a habit. If it is- then it is a habit prolonged by interest, fixation, emotion. Are you okay with that? The guy i mentioned earlier would say "well after so many years with her I can't just un-think her". Oh, that makes it okay then-NOT.

Why does she roam his mind often enough to say her name? And the thing about the child?? Phew, sounds like he's pretty obsessed with her and her life. If someone is still so fixated on the ex they're feeding that person the energy that ought to be invested in the new relationship. And besides, read your original post again. The description of his (and his family's) behavior sounds just disgusting.

If it's a habit it's hurtful one and it's demeaning to you and even just that would make any decent guy cut it out. Like he doesn't know how painful it is for you, please.

True, I'm once bitten twice shy. But I wouldn't tolerate this or make excuses for him. (think about it. you have exs too. why do you not behave like your husband does?)

p.s. but then...3 or 4 times a year sounds like a slip. kinda at a loss here, guess it also depends on how he otherwise stands and acts about her.

[lavenderdove]

btw, I have had many different dogs throughout my life due to their short life span, and I've loved them all. But sometimes I still (especially when tired or distracted), call my current dogs by an old dog's name. And I have a female dog now when in the past my last old dogs before the ones I have now were all males, and I still sometimes say 'Good boy!' to her rather than 'Good girl!' because I was so used to saying 'Good Boy' for so many years to reward my old dogs.

 

Doesn't mean I'm obsessed with my old dogs (I love them dearly and miss them, but they are in the past) or that I'm doing it on purpose (i'm not), but just a brain fart due to how word retrieval/thought processes work.

[Seraphim]

My step dad occasionally calls my mom by his dead wife's name. He was married to his first wife for 25 years before she died. He has been with my mom 24 years married for 20 years. It still sometimes happens. I think like lavenderdove said it's a brain fart.

 

My husband sometimes calls me by his sister's name. And sometimes she calls her honey, hahaha. With my husband it is anxiety overload.

[ParisPaulette]

Maybe it's just me, but I think I would try to break this habit, but doing something that emphasizes how ridiculous it all is. An occasional slip of the tongue okay, but this sounds like it happens a lot.

 

You could also try and answer them back making sure to use another name example. Your husband says, "Hey (ex-wife) can you take out the trash." You answer, "Sure (ex-boyfriend) no problem." Again if it's brought up shake your head, smile and say, "You see, here we go with not keeping names straight. It is definitely catching. What was your name again?"

 

Make it a big joke that amuses you. Yeah, he and his family may very well get upset, but I also think they'd stop after a bit too.

[Marah]

This doesn't sound like a brain fart. Several people are doing it, several times. We all make mistakes, but if no one is apologizing for the error it tells me they don't much care how the OP feels.

 

I would just keep politely driving it home that being confused with an ex wife several times is hurtful.

[shellyf62]

This doesn't sound like a brain fart. Several people are doing it, several times. We all make mistakes, but if no one is apologizing for the error it tells me they don't much care how the OP feels.

 

Totally agree.

 

Also if I were to call my Son's Fiancé by his Ex Wife's name he would be the first to correct me. It just seems like this poor lady isn't respected by anyone

[SpottiOtti]

Well, OP, it sounds like part of you wishes you could view it as a slip of the tongue and nothing more, a brain fart as Lavender and Vic said. Are your husband and his family generally absentminded in general? Do you believe there is any passive-aggressive stuff going on?

[Seraphim]

Well, OP, it sounds like part of you wishes you could view it as a slip of the tongue and nothing more, a brain fart as Lavender and Vic said. Are your husband and his family generally absentminded in general? Do you believe there is any passive-aggressive stuff going on?

 

See, that's the thing some people are very absent minded. My husband and pretty much his whole family is absent-minded. Some families are just like that. And sometimes, yes ,things are habit. Also you can choose to think the worst about people and go from that premise ,or you can choose to think the best of people and work from that premise.

[Marah]

To me, it's not about thinking the husband and his family are bad people but asserting oneself and not letting this get further out of hand. It's not too much to ask to be called by one's own name, from my view. The OP mentioned having a fit each time this happens? I wonder if there's a better way to make the point known.

[Ms Darcy]

If he's generally not an absent-minded type of guy, then you may indeed be a replacement.

 

Only you can decide if that bothers you. You can't change his perception of that.