Dating an amputee

[potd2009]

My continued dating adventures have recently led me to confront this issue. Would you date someone who was missing one of their hands, and why or why not? I'm interested in all perspectives.

[poetryandlyrics]

Hands does not make the person.

I'm dating the person, not the hands.

 

Well. Hands /can/ come in handy (haha, unintentional pun!), but you say "he" has one still.

[Seraphim]

Yes. Why not?

[sophie274]

I think yes, as long as I still felt attracted (depending what the area looked like?). I would worry about how much functionality he has as well - can he drive? Cook? Ride a bike, swim? It's kind of hard to say without being in the situation I think. If my boyfriend lost a hand of course I would stay with him, no question, but there are so many single guys that it would probably be easy to reject someone you didn't know at all based on that, simply because I imagine it IS somewhat limiting.

[Cheetarah]

In the past I have dated a blind man. Now this is not the same thing, but it is a disability that has the potential to be quite limiting. When we were together he was losing his vision, so the whole thing was a massive adjustment for him, and he struggled with independence on and off for quite a long time. It's been about 10 years now since we've been together and are still friendly; I've realized now that he likes to be dependent upon another person. He enjoys being taken care of. And when I met his ex-girlfriend, she was also blind and in a wheelchair, and she was fiercely independent. Far more than he ever had been. And she harped on him for the things that he was very capable of doing but merely just let others do it for him.

 

So I would, yes. But, with someone who values their independence as I would expect the same from someone without any kind of disability. I understand that disabilities come with limitations. There is a difference between that and someone who merely likes having a caretaker do things they are capable of doing. And they can pretty much coast by like that because most people will feel badly and not want to say anything. Like for example, when that ex and I were out with friends, he wanted to hold my waist vs. using his walking cane, just because. He knew how to use it, he just didn't feel like it. I told him no, use your cane. And my friends were appalled that I would say such a thing to him.

[ParisPaulette]

Yes. One of my uncles lost a leg in Vietnam, the man was one of the strongest most capable people I've ever known. Dated another guy who was deaf, totally sweet and totally cheated on me 'cause that man has serious flirtation skills with the ladies. So I learned at an early age that a man is still a man no matter what he may or may not be missing from the body. I dated enough emotionally disabled men to realize a body part missing ain't no big thang, it's what's inside that counts the most.

[abitbroken]

Yes. It wouldn't bother me. That is not something that prevents someone from leading a productive life. One of my teachers had one hand. He lost the other in a farming accident when he was a boy. It didn't get in the way from him being an awesome teacher and having a family. Actually, he didn't have prosthetic hand, but sometimes wore a grabber like metal thing on his hand. He told the kids he was part robot and it impressed them.

 

There is a young woman who works at my bank that doesn't have one hand. In fact her arm ends just below her elbow. She was born that way. She has a productive life. Just needs clothes specially tailored.

 

I think I would not date them if they had a "whoa is me" attitude or we weren't compatible mentally.

[Kaytie]

Yes. It wouldn't bother me at all. I've dated a deaf woman and a woman with a prosthetic leg and it was never an issue.

[Sportster2005]

As long as you don't suddenly find it in a dresser drawer, then yes. I don't see a problem.

[potd2009]

I think my problem is that - while I feel very strongly that it shouldn't matter if someone is missing a body part, that it's what's on the inside that should count, etc. - that the absent hand is strongly affecting my level of attraction here. (It's not just the hand itself - it's that, presumably, its absence forecloses things like weight training on that side, so one arm is more muscular/built, while the arm missing the hand is just...underdeveloped in terms of muscle.) And the absent hand would affect his ability to do certain things that I enjoy in terms of intimacy.

 

So, I'm torn between feeling that I SHOULD be able to look past it, and feeling that if I don't feel genuinely and unreservedly attracted, that I should be honest with myself about this and not continue despite ambivalence. I've Googled a bit and have found various threads in which people discuss this. I see that most people - both men and women - seem to believe that in theory they would date an amputee. And this makes sense to me, because (although I'd never thought about it before), my first reaction was, "No big deal, it shouldn't matter." But now I'm not so sure.

[SilverFactory]

To be honest I am surprised by some of the replies here.. I know I have been turned down because I don't have hair (I am balding)... so I am not sure how women will be ok with some one missing a hand.

[potd2009]

Indeed, SF. I want to be clear that I am not questioning the bona fides of anyone who has commented here - and I do understand that there are women and men who could, and do, date amputees. But in spending some significant time reading people's thoughts on different fora online, and in talking to my friends, here's what I've noticed:

 

Even people who routinely reject others for cosmetic differences that are outside of their control (e.g., skin color, balding, height) and insist that they cannot control their attraction level to people with attributes they view as undesirable, will still insist that they either "could" date an amputee, or they "could date an amputee if they were attracted." Apparently when it comes to missing parts, but not to other cosmetic differences, "it's what's on the inside that counts" and a missing body part should not affect one's level of attraction. In fact, on most threads discussing the topic, 75-90% of able-bodied posters, both men and women, seem to believe that they could or would date an amputee. Then, when you click over to amputee discussion boards, you read many tales of constant rejection - people who either can't get dates at all, or people who get to the first date by concealing their amputation in their photos and forgetting to mention it on the phone - but then can't get a second date once the other person realizes they are missing a body part. (Of course, other amputees describe finding one or more people who had no problem with it. It's certainly not the case that all are single!) But I suspect that a lot of people who in theory think they'd be okay with it (or at least, that they SHOULD be okay with it), bail when actually confronted with the situation.

 

So what I expect is going on is that many good-hearted people feel compassion and empathy for someone who has suffered the traumatic loss of a limb (compassion and empathy not triggered by shortness, balding, membership in a particular race, etc.), and they want to believe - very badly - that the loss of a limb wouldn't cause them to reject someone. As one of my friends IRL chided me: "Have some empathy! What if you lost a hand/arm/leg in a car accident!" I asked her if she could represent that she would date an amputee without any hesitation, given her feelings, and she said it was quite the opposite: she would be "totally freaked out" and "weirded out" and "couldn't say at all" whether she'd be able to move past that initial reaction. Most of my other friends have said something similar - they don't think it should be a dealbreaker for me, they want to think it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for them - but in reality, they're not sure they could be attracted enough to make it work in the long-term and don't know what they'd do. Certainly an eye-opening experience.

[Di84]

I probably would. If I was attracted to him, why not? If he was missing both his legs, that would be a different story only because it would be harder to deal with. My father is missing a thumb. He lost his thumb when I was really young and that's how I got used to him being. I don't even notice it anymore. So ya, I don't see why not.

[Batya33]

I think for me one factor would be how he dealt with it, his confidence level, that sort of thing.

[SilverFactory]

But I suspect that a lot of people who in theory think they'd be okay with it (or at least, that they SHOULD be okay with it), bail when actually confronted with the situation.

 

This.. right there!

 

Its one thing to say something on an online forum and a totally different thing to actually have to deal with it.

 

The real world out there is not really that rosy to be honest. I have done online dating and know how it can be brutal even for desirable men. I initially thought it was just me that was getting rejected and ignored but then read that the same thing was happening for scores of other men. A vast majority of them are very decent and good people.

 

So in this situation when women have TON of choices I just don't see why anyone would go for a guy that is actually missing a hand. I mean, in Online Dating women are demanding that the man be tall, handsome, well educated, six figure salary, blah blah and still don't give a chance because they have so much options. Just think what is most likely to happen to a guy that says he actually doesn't have a hand.

[abitbroken]

To be honest I am surprised by some of the replies here.. I know I have been turned down because I don't have hair (I am balding)... so I am not sure how women will be ok with some one missing a hand.

 

Depending on the woman's age, balding can make you look older than you are. Its about age perception. When I was 25, I would turn down a balding man, because odds are, he was 20 years older than me most likely. If a guy was balding really prematurely - I would have had to have known him in another context to want to date him for the same fact because i would have just thought he was too old for me. There are guys who rock the bald look. They get fit and shave their head and make it work for them, or they find a hair style that suits where their hairline is, they don't try to do the comb over or a lot of grease that makes them look older and they make sure other things - facial hair style or lack thereof and clothes make them look on trend.

 

btw, I don't think Patrick Stewart or Vin Diesel had troubles getting dates or finding a wife despite being very bald. Patrick Stewart I also think has been very bemused that some women consider him hot. (i mean, these guys were never known in their celebrity lives for having hair ever)

 

Anyway, so depending on the age of woman you are dating - i could see they would turn you down if they were very young. But it could also be that you lack confidence. If you don't care if you are bald or not, you will find a woman who doesn't either.

[Cheetarah]

You have to factor in the fact that even on an anonymous online forum, a lot of people still don't like to go against the grain and often times won't express something that will be heavily disagreed with or that they'd get a virtual earful for. It "seems" cold or heartless to not want to date someone with a disability(I don't think it is. I think it's just something some people are built for, and others aren't).

 

Like the penis threads, for example...Penis size, does it matter, etc. Rarely do you see a woman say "I need a huge donkey sized one". And truthfully, most women really DON'T want horse penis, but some of them do and they probably don't feel like saying it because then perhaps people will ride them for being shallow or what have you.

 

Having had experience in dating someone with a disability, well it took me some time to separate his personality(wanting to be pampered/taken care of) from his disability. So there was a time where I said I would not, because I didn't want to be in the position of being a caretaker. And I still don't, I don't want to be anyone's caretaker and do things for them that they are able bodied to do. But after having met more and more people primarily through my ex's social circle, ones with disabilities, it helped me make that distinction. So this is why I said they need to value their independence.

[poetryandlyrics]

Well, I think I'd be more lenient on this since I'm Deaf so I don't see myself any different from the "norm," and that means a one handed guy as well. The only thing that might stop me is if the guy doesn't have legs/in wheelchair, but this has nothing to do with them but more for me. I don't think I have any arm muscles or whatever and balance and whatever to lift a guy (I'm sure there would some cases, wouldn't there?).

 

As I'm a part of the Deaf community, we value independence so it's not an co-dependence issue for me or anything. Actually I usually date hearing guys, and one hard of hearing. The problem is, for me, is the hearing people. They just didn't get how to... Let me be me? Like interpreting for me without me even asking is a no-no, as an example. Unless I ask, but sometimes I want to talk and use pen and paper. So I guess, for them, it's hard to see where the boundaries can be. I don't even want to take care of anyone as well. I've been taking care of my mother's emotional health growing up and I don't want to do it.

[justagirl2]

I'd have a hard time dating someone with a disability. I'm being honest about it. I'm not saying never but it probably would affect my level of attraction to the person. I wish I was a "better" person and could 100% look past it, but I'm not sure.

[Kaytie]

As I'm a part of the Deaf community, we value independence so it's not an co-dependence issue for me or anything. Actually I usually date hearing guys, and one hard of hearing. The problem is, for me, is the hearing people. They just didn't get how to... Let me be me? Like interpreting for me without me even asking is a no-no, as an example. Unless I ask, but sometimes I want to talk and use pen and paper. So I guess, for them, it's hard to see where the boundaries can be. I don't even want to take care of anyone as well. I've been taking care of my mother's emotional health growing up and I don't want to do it.

Yes, and these types of no-nos you learn by dating anyone with any kind of limitation. Interestingly, I learned how to sign long before I even dated a Deaf woman so we communicated well to start with. But with hearing people that didn't sign, she would get frustrated when they didn't allow her to talk or if they turned when she was trying to lip read.

 

The woman I dated with the prosthetic leg only allowed me to help her one time when she was really sick with pneumonia - otherwise she was also fiercely independent.

 

For me, I knew it would be a non-issue to date someone with any kind of disAbility even before I did. I loved the woman - that had nothing to do with anything else. But everyone is different.