Planning the Wedding Before He Proposes?????

[PrincessBOT]

@hers Thats what I don't understand how can I trap him into something we have agreed on and discussed and worked out down to where any pets will be allowed to sleep. This not a man saying no he saying I love you, ours, etc but won't propose. How can I trap him if it is what he says he want and I say it what I want. I maybe speeding him up and forcing him to act in a certain time and yes I can live with a marriage after that. We will have the rest of our lives to deal with it and it will mostly become a insignificant factor.

 

It is also why I think I felt resentment towards him for not having better timing. A man who has said he wants to marry should want to propose at the right time..there is a such thing as the right time and I feel it should be for both. Since I am ready, though I wasn't at first and he says he is ready then the timing was right for both and two months he said for engagement and I agreed yet he never said a word. He took it from something we were in sync on and made it solely about when he is ready. I love him and don't wany that factor to fester so yes I can live with introducing a timing factor in by planning the wedding, asking for his input of course and letting him cintinue to plan the engagement, which needs to be before the wedding.

 

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[Catherine_3]

I think you should forget about the wedding for now (it's just a single day, after all). Focus on the marriage. Start planning the marriage - the life you're going to have together.

[PrincessBOT]

@bekka imagine doing the prep then nothing ever happening. That is the state I am, I am ready to start that marriage we have been talking about for year since he asked me to go ring shopping. I was not ready then, but we have grown so much together and he says he is ready yet won't propse and the only reason I get is he is looking online at proposals...for 5 months, 3 months of which are past the two months he said we would be engaged. And the smaller things like the money we are wasting by extending the time we will be paying for two homes....

 

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[tattoobunnie]

I'm so confused. So if we doesn't ask RIGHT THIS SECOND - will you discombobulate? I remember when my best friend drove me INSANE for 5 months wondering about when he was going to propose, and obsessing over his ex, and cyber-stalking her. But the thing is, he had gotten the ring, had to get it sized, had to ask permission, had to plan it out. Sorry, if hasn't happened just yet, but don't take your ex baggage out on your guy because you need your MRS degree like yesterday!

 

Your guy is being specific. If a guy says, we can get married after you do this or that, or after this or that happens, then he may be putzing around. But I don't think this is the case.

 

And secondly, you both should be talking about what you picture your wedding to be - where, what month, what kind of food, budgets, type of entertainment (band, dj) where to honeymoon, how big - there is nothing wrong with communicating on what you both picture,

[PrincessBOT]

@batya33 I feel resentful and munipulated and I have a reason. I have worked not to let it change my anticipation of our wedding and marriage. If he can be resentful because I love him and and want to start our future together especially after the two month engagement time HE said came and went amd he said nothing, now 5 months later. Then I would ahow him the door . Is he not worried about my resentment.

 

You are right in your other I am not being made, I am willing participant who went from a mutual understanding and agreement to being invovled in a onesided waiting session because he reneged on our enagagment plans. If I didn't live this man I swear I would have told him to take it and shove it and never come back. But I do love him so I will risk him feeling like I feel and get this marriage going.

 

I will feel the conversation out first and try not ro be confrontational or present it as an ultimatium, because I am willing to wait, but it is at the risk or resentment that could feaster and ruin the relationship from my point of view.

[Tanzi]

We don't watch TV much at all so if we are in the house together we are talking amd that has gone on for year. We had some disagreements about some things but worked through them and afterwards he said we'd be engaged within two months. He has always been just as eager and involved as I but 2 months came and went. Its been going on months.

 

Are you sure he has been as eager as you. It sounds as though he may have been in the very beginning when you were in the bubble of excitement that new relationships start out with but when that settled down it seems as though has adopted a more steady (and normal) pace before making a lifelong commitment.

 

It seems that your whole relationship has centred around getting engaged and I think I would be a little put off, if not scared, if I were him. Too much pressure has been applied for it to be allowed to occur naturally and too much negativity surrounds the idea of an engagement instead of positivity.

 

As for books and stuff I have been part of a singles ministry for 4 years and taken several marriage preparedness courses and seminars.

 

Goodness it seems you have been ready for marriage long before you met your boyfriend. This may explain your over-eagerness that your boyfriend finds hard to keep up with!

[PrincessBOT]

@tattoobunnie You made me laugh.Also, everything everyone said we should do we have including this. We literally took out paper and wrote down what we think the wedding will cost. He asked me how many guest and we agreed on about 100 people. I totally forgot about that until you mentioned it. WE ALREADY STARTED PLANNING THE WEDDING! Excuse the caps. So for him to set the two month engagement and let not two but 5 months pass is just not right especially since thw two months came and went and he said and did nothing until I mentioned it a month later and he said he is looking online ar proposal. Pure torture and I know why your friend was going crazy it.

[Batya33]

I have to bow out of this discussion because I cannot relate to your thought process. Fact: he has not proposed. Fact: you two are not engaged to be married. Fact: he said he was planning to propose in X amount of time. Fact. Time X has come and gone (I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that he actually promised to propose marriage within that time period -not that he would just discuss it or propose "if"". Fact: you want to be engaged by now.

 

But according to your thought process because he promised to propose that means he is ready to marry you and that means you should go ahead and plan the wedding. According to your thought process your plan is somehow in his best interests too and you are somehow being forced to make this choice.

(and no, deciding on what your wedding reception will look like is not planning a wedding in the same sense you plan to plan a wedding - it is musing, it is discussing "if we were to have a wedding this is what it would be like". Planning a wedding reception is when two people (1) decide to get married and then (2) discuss where/when/how the wedding ceremony will take place. Here, one person has decided to get married. The other person has not yet decided to get married. So there's no going to step 2 at this time.

 

I fail to see how the facts (above) have any connection to an approach that will lead to any kind of stable marriage or any connection, remotely, to his best interests. Since you've spend so much time in premarital assessments maybe get your pastor's input on your plan to get your boyfriend to the altar.

[penelope13]

Look, it sounds as if he is committed to you and marriage to you if you guys have already started talking about marriage and wedding details. That's what is important.

 

There is no rule written in stone that you HAVE to have an engagement. But I understand that it is important to you (personally I would not insist on an engagement celebration if I'm already busy with my partner to talk about the wedding details).

 

What might be going on is that he knows you are expecting an engagement with all the pomp possible and he is scared making the wrong decision/plan and thus he is procrastinating.

 

Is he someone who is good at planning elaborate surprise events and someone who is well versed in what a woman might want/expect in terms of details with these kind of things? - If not, I wouldn't be surprised if he is scared of letting you down. You have clearly shown already that for you these things play a huge role and that you have specific expectations. He wouldn't be looking online for help with ideas if it was something that was natural to him.

 

I'm sure if you would express to him that although it's very important to you that he proposes that you don't care about details etc, but that you are excited to take these steps towards committing yourselves to each other. If you give him the feeling that the details don't matter and that you won't throw a huge fit if he doesn't get the details right in terms of how he is proposing, he might have an easier time to make a decision about how he wants to propose.

[Tanzi]

I think you need to respect the fact that this guy hasn't asked you yet for a reason. I'm not saying he doesn't love you or that he doesn't see him self getting married to you at some point in the future. He may simply not feel ready and you can't go ahead and book a wedding without his consent. That is just being selfish because you are not taking his feelings into consideration. Instead you are rushing full steam ahead because it is what YOU want. Besides which you are backing him into a corner that is difficult for him to get out of and he may resent you for it later down the line.

 

You really can't expect him to want to get married or be ready for marriage just because you are. You are making a ginormous assumption. You are also taking away the element of surprise …. the proposal … the part HE himself might want to play in asking you to get married. Saying that he can still do that AFTER you have already booked the wedding is not the same thing. It isn't going to have the same meaning. You are still taking away the complete element of surprise. You have total deromanticised this (yes, I made up the word!!!), making it an almost perfunctionary act.

 

I know in the beginning he said things that he perhaps shouldn't have but I think you need to take that as what is was … honeymoon period soppy talk.

[Fudgie]

Just because your boyfriend said that he would propose at X date (which has come and gone) doesn't mean that he's ready for marriage. If he were ready, he would have proposed already. I am not really sure what's going on on his end but I can promise you that working on wedding plans before getting engaged is just crazy and it's not going to help your relationship.

 

This is what I think you should do. I think you should stop ALL planning, sit down, and have a very frank talk with him. Don't pressure him into marriage "if you loved me, you'd marry me" or any talk like that, just get his views. Where does he see himself in x months or years? Why did he say he would propose by x date and yet it didn't happen. Tell him that you're asking not because you're mad, but because you're confused from what he said and you're wondering about a timeline here, that's all.

 

It really sounds like most of your relationship has been about pressure/rush to get engaged and I wouldn't be surprised if that's put him off.

 

1.5 years isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things. Think about it: do you want to be WITH this guy, or do you want to be married ASAP? If you care more about getting married than being with him, then leave him.

[Tanzi]

I have to bow out of this discussion because I cannot relate to your thought process …..

 

But according to your thought process because he promised to propose that means he is ready to marry you and that means you should go ahead and plan the wedding. According to your thought process your plan is somehow in his best interests too and you are somehow being forced to make this choice.

 

I too am having a hard time understanding the OP's thought process and justifications.

[PrincessBOT]

I fully understand that you can't follow my logic, the whole situation is nuts and that is how I feel . I so equate proposing to being ready to marry. I just posted a response to tattoobunnie, her post made me remember something relevant ro this.

 

I Sincerely appreciate your time and input and it has not fallen on death ears. I will update you

[tattoobunnie]

I think you should relax. My cousin took his now wife to Mexico, and my bro took his now wife to the Spanish steps to propose. Mine, never officially asked, and I never got a ring, and we are happily married with an awesome two year old boy.

 

I think you should just focus on other things, and enjoy the ride. How to push the envelope, amp up the booty (in awesomeness, work-out, get in shape, volunteer, meals on wheels, join a club), whatever you do, stop scouring the net for the perfect ring or dress. Just let it happen.

 

It may not have been two months, but if you truly love and trust your guy, give him the time and space to do it. And so what if it hasn't happened within 5 months - what's the rush? Do you have to start cancer treatments soon? Are you prego, and wanna fit in a small dress?

[PrincessBOT]

Did all of that. I never pressured him until he started doing other than what we'd discussed and agreed on in calm and understanding. He said he lived me after 6 weeks, we both agreed we wanted to marry, but it was he was he who said he wanted to marry me and asked to go ring shopping. A few montha ago I said we have got to know each other better and we are not engaged yet as the ring shopping lead me to believe after we talked about it. He said his feelings have never changed he loves me and then I asked where do you see us in 6 months he said engaged, he said in 2 months. So I don't consider this a result of me pressuronf him. It was if you know me better and change your mind let me know now, then it became excitement to be engaged to the man I live and plan to marry to uh its 5 months later did I miss something.

[Catherine_3]

@bekka imagine doing the prep then nothing ever happening. That is the state I am, I am ready to start that marriage we have been talking about for year since he asked me to go ring shopping. I was not ready then, but we have grown so much together and he says he is ready yet won't propse and the only reason I get is he is looking online at proposals...for 5 months, 3 months of which are past the two months he said we would be engaged. And the smaller things like the money we are wasting by extending the time we will be paying for two homes....

 

So here's the thing: The two of you appear to have some things you need to sort through before you should proceed with the wedding. Arguing with people on a forum who are trying to help you isn't going to solve your problem. These things need to be sorted out between you and your boyfriend.

[hers]

You clearly want a wedding and not a marriage.

[PetiteGirl]

The question isn't if you should plan for a wedding before he proposes. The question is if there's a deeper issue going on. What's stopping him from proposing? It may be fear, incompatibility or some kind of issue between you two that you're not aware of. You need to find out what it is first. Right now you're putting the cart before the horse. Blindly pushing him to commit will only end in disaster. The most likely scenario is eventually he gets fed up and leaves - that's the risk you're taking now. It sounds to me that you love the idea of him and the idea of marrying him, but the reality may be quite different.

[Tanzi]

Why have you not moved in together yet?

[hers]

Why have you not moved in together yet?

 

Yea, why is this not an option? You can't wait to "start your life together" but you are failing to realize that you do have a life together and you can take it one step at a time. My sister and her husband were together 6 years and owned a house together before they even got engaged. They had no reason to rush. They just enjoyed being together. They've been married almost 6 years now and have a son and are still happy.

 

What is your rush???

[PrincessBOT]

We have been to the Spanish steps together in Italy you planned a wedding and /or got married without a ring or an engagment. It is not a foreign concept though time together may be a factor. How long were you together, did you talk about it like my boyfriend and I, did you two agree and then follow through.

 

For me I have 36 year old eggs, a business plan on hold, wasting money on keeping up 2 houses and I don't get

to be in the comfort and life every night of the man I love. Packing bags to go from my house to his is and have clothes for work the next day feels like I am living out of a suitcase. He lives closer to my work and hia work so it just has evolved to me going there.

 

Recently I transformes the house for family and friends event we planned I literally had to take not one but 2 my 8 piece bed sheet sets with decorative pillows from my house to his house (one for each bedroom at his house) along with tons of other things he helped with like folding chairs and serving spoons. Then entertain together and pack up and basically move out hurt I wanted to be home with my husband not trekking bedding, chairs and serving tools back to my house.

[tattoobunnie]

I'm turning 36 in a few weeks (May)! We knew each other as teenagers, and dated once when we were 18 for 4 months, and I dumped him for doing something stupid. We didn't talk for 14 years. He facebooks me, and we get in touch, magic happens, and talking about getting married 6 months later, and starting planning a few months later, pick the day, started a guest list, and 6 weeks later, found out I was a month prego. Got married a few months later after that, had a huge 250 person, totally fun, awesome wedding, where we revealed there the sex of the baby, with tons of games, music - so much fun. My point in sharing that - just let things happen. No matter what you plan, God laughs, life throws wrenches. And the more you try to control it, the more you miss out with smelling the roses. This is the time to really just enjoy being together, learning about life, intimacy, laughter.

 

If you want to expedite the process, live your life!! Don't give off desperate vibes. Live like you can live without him if anything happened. Since you're wound up - What I mean there, don't move in together till you got a ring on it, or he's proposed. So stop playing house!!

 

I remember when my now husband wasn't sure about kids, I said, we should part ways, and it'd be okay, because we wanted different things. And of course, he was like, "hell no, we're not breaking up." If you both have agreed that you are going to get married, let it happen. Just really let go, and focus on something else.

 

You have plenty of time till you transition to having time sucked up by babies, toddlers, kids, where you become totally dead to your non-parent friends, with toes and hair that could use TLC, but you have zero time between work, them, family, other things, cooking, cleaning, responsibilities, etc. It'll be here sooner than you know it!

 

Anytime you want to web surf for rings, or dresses, or the perfect venue - STOPPPPPPPP! Look up link removed, take a new class, join a club, do meals on wheels, host a food drive. Find a bigger problem!

[PrincessBOT]

Why have you not moved in together yet?

 

Yea, why is this not an option? You can't wait to "start your life together" but you are failing to realize that you do have a life together and you can take it one step at a time. My sister and her husband were together 6 years and owned a house together before they even got engaged. They had no reason to rush. They just enjoyed being together. They've been married almost 6 years now and have a son and are still happy.

 

What is your rush???

 

I am spiritual person and Christian we both are, he was even in leasdership in the church, which his work schedule will not allow now. I would feel morally

and spiritually convicted by living together before marriage along with other things so we don't.

[Tanzi]

Did he not live with the woman with whom he has a child? I thought they weren't married but perhaps I have that wrong?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by his work schedule will not allow it.

[PrincessBOT]

Why have you not moved in together yet?

 

Yea, why is this not an option? You can't wait to "start your life together" but you are failing to realize that you do have a life together and you can take it one step at a time. My sister and her husband were together 6 years and owned a house together before they even got engaged. They had no reason to rush. They just enjoyed being together. They've been married almost 6 years now and have a son and are still happy.

 

What is your rush???

 

Did he not live with the woman with whom he has a child? I thought they weren't married but perhaps I have that wrong?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by his work schedule will not allow it.

 

No he didn't live with her. He had the child during a period of transition from church, but he never lived with the mother. About his work schedule, as part of transitioning from church leadership he got another job with a very difficult hours.