Is this guy a player?

[Naparitia]

I've been single for several years now after a bad break-up. It's made me approach dating and relationships with caution, but three weeks ago on a Saturday night I met a guy while I was out with friends. He approached me, we talked all night and he asked me for my number.

 

He texted me the next day asking me for a date and we had a first date on the following Tuesday. On our first date, he made an effort to get to know me, asked me a lot of questions about my life, what I wanted, if I was over my ex, if I was open to having a relationship in general, (we are both mid to late 30s) and the night ended with him saying that he'd like to see me again. I had tickets to a gig a week on Thursday and he agreed to go. That night he walked me just over a mile to a bus stop where I obviously caught the bus home. He waited for the bus with me and we kissed. So, ... so far so good.

 

The night of the gig, we had a good time. It finished late around 10pm and he suggested we go for drinks afterwards. We stayed out for another hour or so. I had the day off the next day while he had to get up early so I liked the way he didn't just go home after the gig (since I got the tickets (he bought all drinks that night).

 

During this second date, we were just having a normal chatty and flirty conversation where he suddenly asked me what my favourite sexual position was. This was a bit of a red flag to me in some ways, as I felt he was testing my boundaries and I generally dislike it when dates bring up sex at this stage (when I haven't had sex with them! yet)

 

At the end of that date, he asked me what I was doing the next night (Friday). He said he had two parties to go to and invited me to join him. He said was one in the centre of the city while the other was in the area where he lived.

 

The next night, I was out for drinks with a girl friend until 9:30pm and I hadn't heard from him so I messaged him and he said he was still at home and unlikely to head to the party in the city and invited me to the party near his place. I declined saying it was far, but really I didn't want to be in a situation where I'm drunk and I end up staying at his place (I'm no prude, but it just didn't feel right/didn't feel I knew him well enough).

 

After that Friday neither of us got in touch until two days later on Sunday when he messaged me asking me how I was and if I wanted to meet up on Friday (which was yesterday). I said yes, but nothing was arranged. We messaged each other here and there throughout the week and then on Thursday night I asked him where we'd be meeting. He said he was looking into it and would get back to me. He did so at 8am on Friday morning. He suggested a restaurant and wanted to meet at 8:30pm.

 

Right. here's what happened next which has left me with mixed feelings: I was looking forward to this date very much since it was a weekend date and I could stay out longer etc and I hadn't seen him in over a week. So there I was getting ready when he called me. He sounded very quiet and frustrated on the phone. He explained that he had driven into work yesterday (he usually takes the train) and that on his way back home, a truck on the motorway had flying debris that had punctured a couple of the tyres on his car and he was stuck on the motorway with several other cars waiting for roadside assistance. That was 7pm. On the phone he was very apologetic and said that I should just head out, make new plans and please not wait around for him as it wasn't fair etc.

 

I called him 30 mins later and he didn't pick up. He called me back a few minutes after and said he was chatting with the other stranded people (which is why he didn't pick up).

 

At 9pm he messaged me again saying he was still waiting. I called him at 10pm a couple of times and he didn't pick up. At 11pm I called him to see if he was okay again and he didn't pick up, but he messaged me immediately and said that he had been picked up at that point and was being taken home by a truck. He said he wished he could be with me and I was kind of like 'oh well, ... ' and he replied with 'let's meet on Sunday' (tomorrow) and I agreed.

 

In short, I am a suspicious person and I don't like to be taken as a fool (which is probably why I'm single with such an attitude!) but I can't help but wonder if he lied to me to get out of meeting me because something better came up?

 

Although, as mentioned in this post, he's done some positive things, he does say quite charming/smooth things that wave a few red flags for me. Of course, only time will tell, but I just wanted to hear your thoughts. Your gut feelings.

 

And how do you think I should proceed on Sunday? Although he's asked me out on Sunday, there's been no mention of where we're going or when we're meeting. Honestly, I do like him a lot. I see him as great potential (bad real or imagined bit aside), so I want to get to know him, but last night has kind of left me feeling less confident about my interaction with him. I feel as though - and tell me I'm wrong for feeling this - he should make an effort to kind of make up for last night (although, if true, it was not his fault really) for things to be on an even keel again.

[savignon]

I can definitely see why you'd want to be cautious with this guy. Go out with him Sunday if it's not a last minute thing and take into account any other red flags. And keep dating others as he is likely doing the same. Don't sleep with him or get too excited...he does sound like someone who is a little flakey/hard to pin down.

[missmarple]

If he calls you and mentions a specific time and place to meet tomorrow, fine. If not, I wouldn't bother with him. Noone can tell for sure if what he said happened last night was real or science fiction but the thing is you stayed in because of him and, if he's interested, he will make the effort.

He sounds confusing to me, in general..I would take my time with him, certainly not sleep with him yet and watch his behaviour to see if words match the actions.

[Thorshammer]

Huh...?

Only thing he did wrong was mention sex, but i wasnt there to read out the conversation. If things were flowing goofy and random - then i wouldnt think so much about the sex question, unless he really did come out of left field with it. I would just note it and observe his behavior.

 

To me it seems you were blowing up his cellphone. If he lied or not, when you take in the situation where someone is stranded, someone he barely knows who he went only on 2 dates with calling all the time might not be a priority in that situation. And if he was slipping out on some date he was on (which i am assuming is what you think)- how quiet was he on the phone, did you hear anything in the background?

 

I must be the most daring human on this forum, i just ask people straight up. I would have asked him, "why are you so quiet?" I would even check online to see if there is some ap or news about this accident somewhere - then called him to 'bust him'.

 

I would precede with caution. A lot of people are on lists, both male and female - we have to fight for our position in first place, so we all have to get used to that if we want to attract people who attract others. Now the liar bit is the character flaw that needs to be read, because if you do find that out, then hes not worth waiting in line for anymore.

[Naparitia]

Hi Thorshammer,

 

Thanks for your reply and thoughts.

 

Yeah, I did think he could have been on another date (or out with his guy friends). When he first called to break the news, he spoke quietly and it was very quiet in the background (he said he was sitting in his car). He sounded withdrawn and tired, sighing a lot. In some ways, it kind of didn't match a person in that situation. I'd imagine someone to be more stressed than that, i.e. speaking louder, with more frustration. I don't know.

 

Ha, actually I did check the traffic reports - nothing. But it wasn't a major incident: there were no crashes. He told me that he was there with the other stranded cars, all affected by the nails and debris, and they initially slowed down traffic in two lanes. Thing is, if several cars had punctured tyres, I don't think they would all stop in the same place (yes really thinking up a storm now, haha).

 

It all just doesn't make sense. I do like this guy as he works in social care and specialises in the welfare of children and adults, so I'd hope that he's not one of those people who has an upstanding role work-wise but loose morals when it comes to their personal life. It's for these reasons that I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is trained in human behaviour (which actually makes me question some of his behaviour at times!)

 

There is a part of me that thinks most people who wanted to flake out of a date would just say something lame like: I'm so, so sorry, but I'm sick and I can't make it tonight. That would've been easier.

 

Right! I'll stay positive and see what he comes up with tomorrow. I'll let you all know, so if any of you experience anything similar in the future, you'll know how to proceed!

[JA0371]

I'm with Thors. Be cautious but give the guy the benefit of the doubt.......and lastly do NOT have sex with him right away.

 

I don't see a red flag with the sexual question. Maybe he was testing YOU to see if you would bite. Wo knows?

From this point, see if his actions meet his words...and don't be so cynical. Not every man is out to get you or get over on you. Be open to th process....that's when good things happen.

[shelty24]

All you can do is keep dating him and get to know him better. Keep your heart far away from your sleeve though and absolutely no sexual contact or going to his house etc until you are sure you trust him

 

Keep your eyes open for red flags and of your still not feeling it after another 3-4 dates-its time to bounce

[ALovingKitten]

I don't know if he is a player or not is important what your vibes off him are and be cautious if you don't want to get hurt. Fact he called you in 1st place I feel he did the right thing by you and he kept picking up your calls you did talk not just text right? over a few times that evening says he didn't totally blow you off and did make make up plans.

You aren't actually dating so seems alright by him so far. The sex position question was odd but probably testing waters or something, right then is up to you to go wth, too soon dude, too soon. And pretty sure he'd watch it with you from then on. I agree with others do NOT have sex when you meet up, wait longer...

[catfeeder]

You're working way too hard, and that's the source of your own confusion. Too many calls to the guy while he was dealing with his incident signifies that you're too suspicious to be of any benefit to you.

 

Look, either someone will prove himself trustworthy over time, or not. That requires time and a body of actions to draw conclusions about. Deciding a guy is suspect over a one-time incident and behaving like his hovering mother who blows up his phone while it's playing out is not only horrible for your own head, it paints you as someone that a responsible guy isn't likely to remain attracted to.

 

Find a healthy balance between a reasonable withhold of trust until someone earns it and a resiliency that allows flakes and freaks to pass early. This requires a hands-off approach, observation and an understanding that trying to control outcomes only strips away valuable information about the way someone will behave without your intervention.

 

I would not contact the guy to firm up plans when he invites you out. I'd 'pencil in' any dates with him until HE contacts you to firm them up. If he fails to do that, then there's all the info you need to know--and you didn't need to lift a thumb for it.

 

Head high, pipe down, and enjoy observing what people bring to you. Concentrate on bringing your best to every date you initiate, but when someone initiates with you, ~allow~ them to deliver--or not. Do not confuse yourself by interfering with that information, it's your most valuable clue.

[Thorshammer]

I sigh and get quiet when i am upset - i dont think anyone is good at reading a strangers reaction on the phone. Its very easy to multi-date, all he has to do is set up a date on friday, and pencil you in for saturday - unless he has no time then i dont see why he would set up both dates for one day (though is does happen, especially if one of you have a conflict of schedule).

 

If he want to be paranoid like me, here are some of the things i do when i read some questionable signs.

 

Ask him some question in person, then quickly follow up with asking them what they want in a woman - most people lie, not everyone, but guys usually... they try to make it seem like they want this and that, and they leave out other stuff to avoid looking perverted, or weird, or avoid tuning them off. For example; I hate to say it, but i like introverted woman, if i am with an extrovert, i dont mention i like shy and homebody type of women. Then follow this up with another random question, then ask him about his car and if it has any scratches from the incident - ask him suddenly so he doesnt have time to prepare, and compare that to the first question.

 

Some people are good liars (like myself, i can be an actor if i wanted to), and if he really is honest in the question then you wont have much. I notice patterns in bodylanguage, its a gift i have, i also used in when i worked loss prevention and i had to interview people i suspected of stealing. But, just dont run with this and make it worse.

[itsallgrand]

My gut instincts; he's not that interested, what with the bringing up what your favorite sexual positions are on a second date, failure to nail down some solid plans (which isn't hard to do), and the general situation here. When he invited you to come with him to two parties, then didn't call about that ; not that interested. When he only suggested you come along and it be near him where he doesn't have to put effort in AND it's later at night; not that interested.

 

ANd it's working....you thought about "oh I only didn't go because I didn't want to end up at his house for the night". As though that was an actual option to consider?! Unless you are just looking for a bang.

 

Dude likes you enough he would sleep with you. But I wouldn't have even bothered with the follow up calls, then follow up on the follow up calls - it's all too much.

 

Give him space and let him actually set a date with you or not. But yeah, that's my gut feelings on it. Waste of time here.

[HeartGoesOn]

During this second date, we were just having a normal chatty and flirty conversation where he suddenly asked me what my favourite sexual position was. This was a bit of a red flag to me in some ways, as I felt he was testing my boundaries and I generally dislike it when dates bring up sex at this stage (when I haven't had sex with them! yet)

 

I would walk away from anyone who posed this question on a second date. Of course that's just me, therefore to each their own.

[happpybear]

At 11pm I called him to see if he was okay again and he didn't pick up, but he messaged me immediately and said that he had been picked up at that point and was being taken home by a truck.

 

This is the part that would have gotten me suspicious. He couldn't answer your call, but could text you right away? Why? Did he give an explanation why he couldn't answer the call?

 

That's what would make me sit back and be careful...If I get suspicious about anything else after a few more dates I would bail.

[Thorshammer]

This is the part that would have gotten me suspicious. He couldn't answer your call, but could text you right away? Why? Did he give an explanation why he couldn't answer the call?

 

That's what would make me sit back and be careful...If I get suspicious about anything else after a few more dates I would bail.

 

True, such a quick response would make me feel like he is in cover-up mode. In my experience a quick reply means they are trying to kill suspicion because they panic, and the fact it was a text makes it sneaky.

 

But, then again... like i said, if that situation happened to me, i wouldnt want to talk on the phone either, and if i had to i would be peed off, sighing, quiet and trying not to curse. Or... id be too busy squaring off with the driver whos fault it was.

[Naparitia]

Thorshammer, thanks for your ongoing comments: I appreciate them.

 

Catfeeder, itsallgrand and happpybear, I think the three of you are really on the money! I agree. Thanks to Catfeeder for your immensely insightful post. I was pretty blown away when I read your comments: very intuitive, cogent and exactly what I needed to hear. The same with itsallgrand: I also harbour the same thoughts as you. I feel as though I'm stuck between what I feel (my intuition tells me that he's not interested because he would be making a huge effort. He would have called me. He would have picked up my calls. He would have known that I don't know him well enough at this moment so he has to reassure me that he's not a bad guy ... but he didn't/hasn't) and the realisation that there's scope for me to be overanalysing everything from a hypersensitive, guarded perspective.

 

Happpybear, again, I agree. That also came to me. I was highly suspicious when he let my second call go to voicemail, but then messaged me immediately. It was weird. I suddenly had an image of him being with friends or on a date and feeling his phone vibrate, seeing my name and then messaging me instantly to 'deal with the situation'.

 

I've decided that I'm going to see if he calls me tomorrow. I sometimes feel that when a guy loses interest he may have a tendency to create drama to put a woman off. To act like a douche so that she fades away and he can feel less guilt. I suspect this.

 

I'm just planning to interact with him, watch and observe with all sensors on. Thorshammer made a good point. I'm planning on making casual conversation with him and then asking him quite probing questions regarding his truck/debris incident on Friday night to see how he deals with it while keeping a beady eye on his body language.

 

Last point: let's see if he even contacts me tomorrow to meet up! Haha.

 

Again, thanks. I'll report back to base tomorrow.

 

Any more insights to my original post appreciated. xx

[hodgeheg]

Just to offer a different perspective:

 

I was in a pretty major car accident on my way to a date (both vehicles were scrapped), I didn't call the guy I was going to see because I was a little preoccupied with speaking to the people involved, the police and finally being taken to hospital in an ambulance. I text him when I could but when he rang I didn't answer - I was going through a crisis and needed to be present in the moment rather than talking to him. I sensed that he didn't really believe me (it is a pretty rare excuse!) and since then things have petered out between us. I've not seen him or really spoke to him since and I think this is because he suspected I was lying, plus I was too busy sorting out my mess and fixing myself to be worrying about him.

 

I realise your guy's example isn't as extreme as this and I would agree with other posters that being wary is the best option, just wanted to show you that sometimes the extreme excuses can be true!

[Naparitia]

I didn't expect that! Thanks for sharing, and showing me a different perspective.

[savignon]

Is your date supposed to be today? Has he set a time/place yet? That above all else would be a turn off for me...plus the party thing, mostly b/c I'm not a party-er. And then of course the shady car story... Until what time today would you accept a solid plan from him?

I'd have been turned off a long time ago I think and this would be the icing on the cake.

[Naparitia]

Update: he just called me at 4:30pm saying he was visiting a brewery with friends, and asked me if I wanted to join and meet his friends at a bar. Some date! (Rolls eyes)

I said I was with friends watching a movie at home (true) and he asked me if I could meet him later. I just said I had to get back to the film and he said he'd call in an hour.

 

Any comments?

[missmarple]

This all sounds so casual that it would turn me off big time. I would definitely not go to join him at a bar with his friends or meet him later. I would only do one of those if we were already in a relationship or we were just friends (or FWB). When it's a guy I'm interested in (and who was responsible, one way or another, for failed plans of our last date), I expect much more effort than this.

[shelty24]

If he is happy for you to meet his friends, I wouldn't see that as a red flag.. meeting his friends can give you some insight into the type of people he associates with. If you get a bad vibe off them then its a red flag. If he is a player-the majority of his friends will be too

[missmarple]

The problem isn't that he asked her to meet his friends. It's that he called her at the last minute.

[Naparitia]

So he called and said he's still with his friends and that he could meet me for a drink. Then he asked me if I'm working tomorrow (obviously trying to see if I can stay out/have fun overnight!) and I just thought that was so weird because he knows I have an office job.

 

Nonetheless, the guy is not decent.

 

The next thing he said to me was: if you have to work tomorrow I guess we can only meet for a few hours, how about we meet one night after work this week. I told him that I have to work overtime this week (which is true, but I don't have any desire to date him anymore).

 

He asked me on the phone earlier if he could come to my place and stay overnight so that he could drive to work (he works in a different city and I live closer to his work than he does) from my house!

 

I barely know him and he's trying to 'fast forward' everything.

 

I think the guy has outed himself as a douche who is just after one thing, sadly.

 

It is now 6:45pm and he wants to meet me still, and says he will call. Yeah, right.

[missmarple]

He asked me on the phone earlier if he could come to my place and stay overnight so that he could drive to work (he works in a different city and I live closer to his work than he does) from my house!

 

You've been on 2 dates and he wants to spend the night in your house? Combine that with that question about sexual positions he had asked and you have the whole picture of what he's interested in.

[catfeeder]

It is now 6:45pm and he wants to meet me still, and says he will call. Yeah, right.

 

Sorry to hear that. If he calls, I wouldn't bother answering. You've got him figured out, and no need to waste any more time or energy on him.

 

Head high, and allow wrong matches to pass early. He's just a puzzle piece that doesn't fit--go try another one. Give yourself credit for knowing that it makes no sense to try to force a fit, because you deserve someone who is RIGHT for you.