online dating and sex

[DatingSucks]

So I find that the number one problem with online dating for me is non-removal of dating profiles but the expectation of sex and intimacy.

 

I have been seeing this guy for a little over a month now, and despite him puking at the table on the first date, and his replies often symbol on OK cupid I have been very patient, understanding, and supportive of this guy.

 

We just got off the phone after having a rather uncomfortable, and seemingly one sided conversation. I would love some feedback on what just went down so that hopefully I can get some psychological peace with the situation I am currently in.

 

Now I am just coming out of a four year relationship. It has been seven months since the break up and I started dating again four months ago, and it has been pretty sucky. I don't miss the mind games, trying to figure out what the other is thinking, the drama of dating profiles, and trying to figure out if hes into you or your pants.

 

I have recently met a guy who has been pursuing me pretty heavily, but at the same time this guy has been sending me a wide range of mixed signals. I am starting to like him so I find this to be rather bothersome.

 

He likes to talk daily on the phone for hours most of the time. He makes future plans with me, communicates pretty openly, thinks up nick names for me, and generally seems to be interested.....MOST OF THE TIME. Then there are times when he seems distant.

 

I have done the casual sex/dating thing in the past, and i'm not cut out for it, and it is not something I want to get into again. I have not slept with this man, or jeopardized my health or self respect with him in any way. We have messed around but I have limited the amount of intimacy I will give him because I know he is still dating other people.

 

He has slept over five times, and of this man has tried to be intimate with me of course, and my refusal to go all the way has caused some friction. I know he is still shopping around. It feels bad knowing he signs onto his dating profile within an hour of sleeping over, but how much worse would it feel if I had slept with him and then saw him online. I respect myself too much for that.

 

After what felt like a e mid day booty call text message earlier this week, I tried to end the relationship, because I thought that it was apparent that he was just trying to get in my pants. He called later that night and said that he wasn't going to stop talking to me because of a misunderstanding (the text booty call). The thought of not talking to me made him sad. I then explained that I didn't want to sleep with him while we were still dating other people. He seemed to understand at the time. (MIXED MESSAGE)

 

So we went on about as almost normal. We saw each other again on Thursday. He slept over. We didn't sleep together, he tried to get oral. To me this is still something I don't want to do because I feel that is sharing a part of your most intimate self, and there are health risks involved if hes still seeing other people. I didn't do it. He left the next morning, signed onto his dating profile within the hour, and we didn't talk again that day.

 

This morning the first and only text I get from him is that I should have done it. He likes to please me why can't I please him.

 

Guys i totally get it, I get where this guy is coming from, but at the same time I don't think it's unreasonable for me to not want to give myself when this guy is chatting up other women. I feel like this is all he wants. There is a good chance there is. I have come to terms with it and am prepared to try break away yet a second time.

 

I told him we need to talk after the text. He called. He didn't talk. I am the only one that talked. I told him what I told all of you right now. I tried to explain it more clearly time, as the first time it seemed to go over his head. I explained how I don't want to put my health at risk and I respect myself too much to be in a casual thing. I told him I get the importance of playing the field. I am ok with it if he feels the need to do so, but then not to expect certain things from me while he is figuring things out. I also explained how it made me feel bad to see him on his profile within an hour of being at my place and how much worse I would have felt had he gotten his way.

 

I told him I understood if this was a deal breaker. Then we should move on and find what better suits our needs and not waste each others time.

 

He didn't respond. He said he needed time to absorb this and think about it to give me the proper response. This isn't what I was expecting, but I appreciate that he at least wants to give it a good thought.

 

Nonetheless here I am left in suspense and feeling bothered. I don't have a good feeling about it and honestly this makes me a little sad, but it is best that the truth come to light now. I don't know if I brought this up too prematurely. I was not planning on having this conversation now, but this topic has been causing obvious friction and needed to be addressed.

 

I'm not sure what type of feedback I am looking for from this, but it at least felt good to write down how I am feeling.

 

Online dating sucks

[bulletproof]

 

This morning the first and only text I get from him is that I should have done it.

 

Completely unacceptable. Move on.

[DatingSucks]

I felt the same way. This guy sucks with words and doesn't said well thought texts. I am taking this into account. At the same time if that's the one and only thought also shows priority. I think in my post I showed some understanding that this guy is probably more into my pants.

[missmarple]

First of all, I don't understand why you let this guy sleep in your house. You've been seeing him for a month, you know that he's been seeing other women, too, you don't want to have sex with him, so, why let him sleep over and not once but 5 times??? In my opinion, that's a classic 'mixed message' coming from you. Since it's a relationship you want, you should first take your time to get to know the guy. Also, 'messing around' with someone who you have an undefined relationship with, also sends out mixed signals.

As for him, if he needs time to absorb the fact that you want a relationship and not casual sex, he's the wrong one for you, anyway.

[greta96]

Good for you for not giving in! You should be very proud of yourself, you are being very smart and this attitude will save you lots of grief in the future! You have to put your heart and your health before everything else.

 

I'm afraid you're right, he does sound like he's mainly after sex. Most people on online dating sites are. A decent guy would understand right away and would even appreciate the fact that you preferred to become intimate only within a relationship. His perseverance after you said "no" and his text are massive turn-offs.

 

I don't know what he'll come up with next time he talks to you, he will probably find more subtle ways to go after what he wants. But it doesn't matter, all that matters is that you stand your ground. But, will you be able to trust him, if he says "ok, I'll delete my profile on the site, and I'll only date you"? He may just create a new profile, or go on a different site. So even if he manages to convince you to stay and become exclusive, it would be a good idea to still hold off the sex for a while, to make sure he means it and it isn't just another ploy to get in your pants.

 

Many times men will lie they want a relationship only because they sense that's what the woman wants, and after they get the sex they were after, they move on to greener pastures.

 

I think he already showed you what he's all about, personally I'd just tell him that it looks like we want different things and that I wanted to move on.

 

Edited to add that MissMarple is right, stop letting him spend the night, try to spend time outside getting to know each other. He probably thinks that every night you have him at your place overnight, he may get lucky, and is disappointed when he doesn't. Time for some activity that doesn't involve the bedroom!

[Furbys]

I agree with missmarple. It sounds like you are also sending out mixed messages. You let him sleep over at your place? You do intimate stuff with him? Im not suprised he is after sex because that is what it is leading too.

 

Inviting a guy to sleepover is a sign that you want to sleep with someone.

[RachaelRosen]

First of all, I don't understand why you let this guy sleep in your house. You've been seeing him for a month, you know that he's been seeing other women, too, you don't want to have sex with him, so, why let him sleep over and not once but 5 times??? In my opinion, that's a classic 'mixed message' coming from you. Since it's a relationship you want, you should first take your time to get to know the guy. Also, 'messing around' with someone who you have an undefined relationship with, also sends out mixed signals.

As for him, if he needs time to absorb the fact that you want a relationship and not casual sex, he's the wrong one for you, anyway.

 

I have to agree with this. Sounds like you two probably aren't looking for the same thing anyway.

[DatingSucks]

Thanks guys I think you are all right. It sucks, and i'm curious to hear his response, but I am going to move on from this unless he gives me a really good reason to think otherwise.

 

I shouldn't have let him sleep over. Note for the next one.

[SooSad33]

Can understand you, totally. Yes, often that is all they're looking for.

With men, I've heard you pretty much have to be 'blunt' with them, to get em to understand. they dont get 'hints'.

 

With how uncertain you are with this guy- i suggest you just tell him its not going to work- as i dont think you see him as much in long term

[SooSad33]

Also- do you feel 'anything' in regards to your past at all? As in you've moved on too fast after your break of 4 yrs.. and only in amt of time of about 4 months recovery?

[annie24]

well, i sort of disagree in the sense that just because you have a man sleep over doesn't mean you need to have sex with him. i mean, yeah, i can see how that can make for a confusing/frustrating situation, but at the same time, you want to spend time together before you're ready to go all the way, but does it have to be all outdoors dates??

 

anyway, i agree with you - this is hard. on one hand, you want to be exclusive with someone before having sex, but on the other hand, some people need to have sex before they decide on exclusivity. it's a catch-22. ugh.

[annie24]

btw, ew........

 

I have been seeing this guy for a little over a month now, and despite him puking at the table on the first date,

[NorthDallas40]

I have no problem with having sex early on - even on a first date. But some communication & understanding needs to happen if it is to continue. And this guy is still hemming & hawing while you've clearly told him multiple times how you feel about the situation.

 

In your shoes I'd date other people until he makes some sort of small commitment, or just next him entirely. Life's too short.

[NorthDallas40]

And yes, please give us details on the puking story. Ugh.

[annie24]

I have no problem with having sex early on - even on a first date. But some communication & understanding needs to happen if it is to continue. And this guy is still hemming & hawing while you've clearly told him multiple times how you feel about the situation.

 

In your shoes I'd date other people until he makes some sort of small commitment, or just next him entirely. Life's too short.

 

if you are dating a woman, and she is uncomfortable having sex outside of a relationship, what is the best way she can tell you this/let you know without freaking you out?

[HeartGoesOn]

I don't think having him sleep over for a total of five times within a month of knowing him, will send the message that you're looking for a relationship. And, yes I do understand that you're not having sex at this time.

[iamstrong]

Rather than having real sexual intercourse: I value being able to hold and be held: for me: the physical, nuturing aspect is much more important than having full on sex: not that I am opposed to it. Some partners connect while holding each other: without sexual intercourse. It is a huge way to appreciate the value of that other person even if I met that person online. But it is not an over night sensation. A month to truly know someone and to have a basis of trust.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Heartgoeson.

 

I think part of the reason I never had this problem is because I did not sleep over with a man if we were not in a relationship and do sexual stuff. If he runs he runs. But all you have to do is state your boundaries. Be concise and clear .... and be consistent with your boundaries and you won't have to give these long speeches.

[annie24]

I agree with Heartgoeson.

 

I think part of the reason I never had this problem is because I did not sleep over with a man if we were not in a relationship and do sexual stuff. If he runs he runs. But all you have to do is state your boundaries. Be concise and clear .... and be consistent with your boundaries and you won't have to give these long speeches.

 

so...just curious - how to handle this situation:

 

you met a new guy, things are great. you're on a 2nd or 3rd date, having a great time, enjoying some great wine, and shared a few yummy kisses. he asks if you want to go back to his place to "watch a movie" and yeah, you do want to spend more time with him, and there's a big obnoxious group at the table next to yours and you want to get out of there and go somewhere quieter. what do you say??

[Kendahke]

You should have dropped him off at the mall after that text.

 

Stop letting him stay over. That is one of the main problems here. He's getting mixed messages from you that you are open to sex--he thinks "this time she'll do it..." and then you don't. He may be interpreting that as teasing. If you're not going to have sex with him, stop letting stay over. Don't let the date get to the point where he's so drunk he has to stay over if that's the case.

 

Quite frankly, you should not have left it up to him to think about and absorb. You should have told him right then and there that you are done with this involvement and won't be seeing him anymore. This ball should remain in your court, not his.

[Kendahke]

Rather than having real sexual intercourse: I value being able to hold and be held: for me: the physical, nuturing aspect is much more important than having full on sex: not that I am opposed to it. Some partners connect while holding each other: without sexual intercourse. It is a huge way to appreciate the value of that other person even if I met that person online. But it is not an over night sensation. A month to truly know someone and to have a basis of trust.

 

you're talking about having reached an emotional level with him that he is not at if he's still dating other women and signs on to his profile with frequency. That's not what is going on here. He has not invested squat that would buttress him being in a place where he just wants to hold you all night long and stroke your hair. It's a nice fantasy, but your reality is in a totally different universe than this, emotionally speaking.

[In the Dark]

Fair enough not wanting to be sexually intimate with this man if he is still out on the prowl.

It sounds like he is not invested emotionally in the thing between you two so will choose to jeopardize it for sex.

In fact I think he is primarily dating you with the intention of sex.

 

I believe he gets mad every time he doesn't have sex of some sort with you and blatantly goes to the dating site to check for more women to potentially have sex with.

 

Going to the dating site while he is with you could be mind game I believe to make you feel like he has more women out there who are interested in him and if you do not give him what he wants he is going to leave you for someone who will.

 

As for online dating.Its these kind of situations which has made me choose not to try.

[missmarple]

so...just curious - how to handle this situation:

 

you met a new guy, things are great. you're on a 2nd or 3rd date, having a great time, enjoying some great wine, and shared a few yummy kisses. he asks if you want to go back to his place to "watch a movie" and yeah, you do want to spend more time with him, and there's a big obnoxious group at the table next to yours and you want to get out of there and go somewhere quieter. what do you say??

 

Well, that depends. If I met the new guy on a dating site, he's still a stranger to me by the 2nd or 3rd date, no matter how great a time we're having. Actually, I have never had a guy ask me to go back to his house so soon..and if he did, I would say no..if I wanted the date to last longer, I'd suggest some other place to go to or even for a walk in the park.

[annie24]

Well, that depends. If I met the new guy on a dating site, he's still a stranger to me by the 2nd or 3rd date, no matter how great a time we're having. Actually, I have never had a guy ask me to go back to his house so soon..and if he did, I would say no..if I wanted the date to last longer, I'd suggest some other place to go to or even for a walk in the park.

 

hm. i've been in that situation more than a few times! i mean, when the date is going so well, and we've been having some nice wine, it's hard to turn down the offer to spend more time together....

 

then again, i'm still single and many of those relationships have been disasters.

 

sorry, not trying to derail from the OP's topic. but yeah, i too struggle with that line - you want to spend time together and kiss and cuddle, but at the same time, don't want to have sex and then the next day he's back on match lining up dates with girls B, C, and D.....

[missmarple]

I know what you mean, annie, and that's why, especially when it comes to online dating, it's important to set boundaries early on.

I've been in situations (2 or 3 out of 50, maybe) when I kissed someone on the second or third date because the chemistry was there and the moment was right but I didn't let it escalate because, after all, I wanted a relationship and it was too soon to know if I wanted a relationship with that particular guy, no matter how hot he was or how much chemistry there was between us.