Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I am an independent woman in my late thirties with a child under 10. I am a kind and thoughtful person with lots of friends and have been seeing my boyfriend now for eight months.

He is attractive and kind and if I was to write it all down on paper, people would wonder what my problem is.

 

The thing is I cant put my finger on it. All I know is he makes me feel nauseous a lot of the time and I think it's because he is too nice. It's as if he cant wait for me to have a problem so he can come to my rescue. He writes things to me like ' Iam here to hold you when you are feeling down'. and 'You are never alone'. Thing is I'm quite happy in my own company and with my child. I have had problems in my past with a very controlling man but I have never been a victim and have come through it all but it's as if he would prefer me to be a victim....If that makes sense? I wish he would lighten up a bit . I have a wicked sense of humour but with him it seems to be lost. He tells me he feels very strongly for me, he's never felt like this before etc. But, I cant say I feel the same about him and I hate myself for that because he's a nice bloke and they say there are few of those about.....but he is just tooooo nice.

 

Anyone with a similar experience ? I would love to hear from you.

Link to comment

I suspected someone would reduce it to that.

 

In my opinion I think it sounds like there are two problems for you. Your sense of humor does not match. This is actually very important in a ltr. Second perhaps you need to feel more like an equal. It is almost paternal the way you describe him ... service oriented and serious.

 

I think you have different temperaments and mindsets. No need to regret that.

Link to comment

I guess there is no hashing over the issues with him and 'fixing' what makes you 'nauseous'. That's a horrible way to feel about someone.

 

Since he makes you nauseous, do right by him and set him free so he can heal and find someone that will love him.

 

You're not a match and he's got a right to happiness. So, stop wasting his time and let him go to live his life.

Link to comment
So basically hes clingy, smothering you and boring... Sounds like the typical nice guy that girls don't like.

 

Don't generalize. I would LOVE to have a nice guy to date, that treats me right and with respect / the way I want to be treated.

 

Um... I don't consider that boring. Sorry that (some, I said SOME) girls want a douche bag guy, but I would want a nice guy to date. I don't see anything wrong with what he's doing, O.P. What? You don't like his sense of humor?

Link to comment
Don't generalize. I would LOVE to have a nice guy to date, that treats me right and with respect / the way I want to be treated.

 

Um... I don't consider that boring. Sorry that (some, I said SOME) girls want a douche bag guy, but I would want a nice guy to date. I don't see anything wrong with what he's doing, O.P. What? You don't like his sense of humor?

 

You say that, but you're showing a little ignorance of the difference between a guy who is nice and a guy who mistakes passivity, compliance and purposefully-indirect/obfuscated advances with being nice without realising that more goes into being attractive than just being compliant and inoffensive.

 

Guys who lament being mistreated or passed over in favour of jerks are typically the latter.

 

OP, I don't necessarily think that is the case here, he could just be a rescuer. Some (generally insecure) girls like that, you don't. Personally I find it very unhealthy for both parties. There's nothing ungrateful or unjustifiable about the way you feel.

 

I can't imagine that the incompatibility will make for a lasting or personally-enriching relationship.

Link to comment

Lots of good points of view on here. And I don't see a thing wrong with any of them. Look some people are nice because they're just genuinely nice. It's not everyone's cup of tea but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them. In saying that some people prefer someone with a bit more rough edges and that's ok too.

 

If the OP doesn't feel a connection she doesn't feel a connection. It happens.

Link to comment

I was with a controlling man and broke up with him 2+ years ago. Really nice guys do make me feel a bit nauseous. I assume that is because we just dont know how to accept it. We are so used to being controlled that when a man gives you a chioce and treats you like a woman not an object, it can be awkward and uncomfortable. If you are not comfortable with his advances then dont feel like you cant tell him to slow down. If he is a nice guy, he will respect your chioce.

Link to comment

No, that makes sense. There are people out there that need you to constantly be in 'crisis' because they need to be needed. It's how they function in a relationship. Though examples provided aren't really totally telling of that, but I understand what you mean by the victim thing.

 

I agree that similar styles of humor are actually pretty important. That is an issue for me because people find my humor to be kind of quirky and don't get it. I remember going out with a guy a few times and he was like, I heard the best joke today. "Why does the avon lady walk funny? - Because her lipstick." And he laughed. And laughed, and laughed. I made a sarcastic comment and he looked at me like I was a hydra. When your humor is lost on each other, it just doesn't work right. He was nice, but we couldn't really laugh together.

 

Feeling nauseous in the presence of your boyfriend is definitely not a good thing. People can be perfect gentlepeople and it's just not a match. No crime. The kindest thing to do would be to let him go and find someone who can understand and appreciate what he's about, and the same for yourself. It's been 8 months - He is who he is as you are who you are. And if he really is a rescuer type guy as has been mentioned, that dynamic is often repeated time and time again until the person gets tired and emotionally exhausted. You don't really just stop that. It takes awareness and time.

Link to comment

Haha that's so funny about the clashing sense of humour. It's true, it kind of does put a damper on things when you don't find the same things funny. Having said that, I dont think its a deal breaker if it's half-good, i mean, as long as you do laugh together some of the time. And sometimes there are certain things that can only be laughed about with friends of the same sex, sometimes with siblings, sometimes with parents etc. it varies in some way.

 

To the main issue, I think the person who mentioned the 'rescuer' mentality is right. It's funny bc when i was reading this post it reminded me a bit of the guy i am seeing - he has this attitude some of the time too. He would sometimes say things like 'you know you can use me as your emotional vessel, you can let it all out, everything and anything, i'm here for you'. I find it sweet, but I would find it pretty annoying if i was hearing it ALL OF THE TIME so I can see what you mean. The other day at dinner he thought i was in a bad mood because i was subdued and he mentioned it again, almost as if he wanted me to cry - I told him sternly that "i'm fine". So he backed off. It just becomes a bit too unbalanced. Men act this way because it allows them to fulfill their old fashioned 'role' of being the protector of the woman.

 

The reason i mind it less in my situation is also bc i have been there for him when he's cried or felt low, so i see things as relatively balanced, rather than just me being the one who may happen to be in need.

Link to comment

Yes, I have had that experience. And when that niceness seems just too staged or phony or over the top it's because it masks something else underneath that's not so nice. When people try too hard there's a reason. Give yourself some credit since I'm sure you've met plenty of genuinely good people who did nice things who did not give you that sensation. This is your gut telling you something else is at work here. Also if he's one of those guys with "white knight" complex again that covers a whole host of problems, because such people typically will seek out others who they want or need to be victims not so much because they care, but because it makes them feel better about themselves. They enjoy playing rescuer and yes all too often they are way overeager to ascribe all manner of things being wrong that you need rescuing from that don't really exist except in their heads.

 

It is exhausting and aggravating, because you are dealing with a person who sees only his or her version of the truth. Also such people tend to exit your life very fast when someone else comes along in need of "rescuing" or you have a sudden windfall of fortune. Case in point I have a good friend with diabetes. His GF stayed with him for years, running around with him to doctors and sticking up for him and caring for him. I met her, didn't like her much, because she treated him like a piece of glass and was always so overly sweet and sympathetic it just set my teeth on edge. Then my friend got a kidney and gall bladder transplant, got well, started up a very successful business. He was overjoyed, productive, able to now buy them a house, the works. She left him for a guy living in a van with a meth addiction. Didn't even bat an eyelash about how she broke his heart, just pumped him for money to give to her new charity case until my friend cut her off for good. Most of our mutual friends thought I just disliked her, because I wanted to take her place. Not true, but yes many people saw her as this wonderful angel of mercy. I saw a woman who threw her man under the bus when he started doing well in life and someone who was only happy when he wasn't. Not a nice person at all in my books and in fact, I sometimes think they can be more dangerous than the flat out we all know they're bad types.

 

Is that what this guy is like? Just the nausea alone is reason not to be with him. I know how hard friends and family can pressure you to not give up the good thing they think you've got, but you're the one who has to be with the guy not them.

Link to comment

Lots of reasons to run here, instincts being no small one of them.

 

On the topic of too nice: this is such a danger zone. I have met several people in my work life and my personal life who were regarded as SO nice. And you know what? They lacked self respect and did not retain the respect of others.

 

In the case of my exH, who was hard to leave because it was obvious to everyone how nice he was, and how witchy I was in return: did anyone realize he was so "nice" because he was completely uninvolved, detached, ineffective, and utterly absent from our marriage? That he responded to me only when I used anger as a threat? That he was utterly passive, and thus, passive aggressive when displeased? And so we had no physical life, at all, for 15 years, almost no dating life, a building history of last minute "OH I cant make its" and "I wont be home for dinners".

 

Yeah he was nice alright. Nice enough right into the arms of the next woman who now controls him just as he wishes.

 

"Nice" is often a guise for not taking responsibility, and in that context the gateway to manipulation, co-dependence, and other unhealthy dynamics.

 

Run. Nobody else will see what you see, and novody else will have to clean it up when you have to get out.

Link to comment
The thing is I cant put my finger on it. . . . . It's as if he cant wait for me to have a problem so he can come to my rescue. He writes things to me like ' Iam here to hold you when you are feeling down'. and 'You are never alone'. Thing is I'm quite happy

 

Well, I think you just did put your finger on it, and this is a real problem that some men have. It's a misplaced role. Comforting one's partner is not supposed to be the main purpose of being a boyfriend, but this guy seems to view that as the main goal. One should care about their partner, of course, and be devoted to them when the time comes, but ughgghhh, it is SUCH a creepy faux pas to mention a friend or partner hypothetically being sad at a time when she is not sad. Who does that? I think it comes from an internal need and hope of his to be needed, but the way it comes out is socially bad. Anyway, incompatible roles, or something like that, is how I would describe the main problem in your relationship. I don't think it's "niceness" on his part; rather, neediness.

Link to comment

mfan has it right: The desire to comfort you in your weak times -- especially spoken when you are happy and to a generally happy person -- reflects need for the other person to fix you. If I am insecure, and you are weak, and I can prop you up, then now I am secure that I am needed. My insecurity is addressed by the change I brought about in you. Trouble is, what happens when you are strong, self sufficient?

 

If you are my exH, you actually build weakness into the other person, so that then you can fix it. He will draw out in our children their weaknesses so he can solve/fix/redress. It is terribly codependent in a relationship. And it is not nice. It appears nice. In actuality, it is using someone else's weakness to prop up one's own self-worth. Yuk.

Link to comment

I have certain questions:

 

-Do you tell him you love him? Why?

-Are you used to being dumpted...do you pursue the unavailable, secure males that don't care about you

- Are you independent, rational based versus emotion based and controlling however you are looking for that man that takes you for an emotional ride?

- Has he told you that you don't open up to him emotionally?

- Has he told you that you do not compliment him enough and asks himself what you are proud of him for?

- What are your answers to him to his questions?

-Have you committed more to the relationship despite how you feel (buying house, marriage)?

 

What I am feeling is that you do not like his personality. He is not what you want in a male and you are keeping him because it was so hard to find someone that would commit to you. I hope my girlfriend is not doing what you are doing to me...if you wan't to help me, ARE THERE SIGNS THAT HE SHOULD HAVE PICKED UP for him to know how you really feel???

 

Thank, I think you should be completely honest with him.

Link to comment

I think the answer is fairly simple...he makes you feel nauseous! You shouldn't be with him, end of. I tried to stay with someone who was a lovely guy (and is now a great friend) who made me feel nauseous (for different reasons) and who as a result made me feel angry around him. Not good feelings to have, and I ended it. There's no real need to analyse it too much...you wouldn't question it if you didn't find someone physically unnattractive. He's not right for you, let him go.

Link to comment

He's not too nice -he's too self-absorbed and insecure. If he was truly nice he would want to be there for you the way you in particular needs someone to be there - he would want to know what you personally need from him (if anything at all) - he wants this role for him and for his own agenda, not for you.

Link to comment
He's not too nice -he's too self-absorbed and insecure. If he was truly nice he would want to be there for you the way you in particular needs someone to be there - he would want to know what you personally need from him (if anything at all) - he wants this role for him and for his own agenda, not for you.

 

 

YES THIS!!!!! Been there, over and over. It brought me nothing but darkness and pain. Stay away. Your instincts are protecting you.

 

If it helps: if you are attracting this type, think - why? In my case, my role in my large family was to serve everyone else, though they wouldn't say it that way. I made them happy when they couldn't make themselves happy. So, to be in relationship with someone in a way that caused me to subordinate my own voice? Natural as being born to me.

 

Not anymore. Not after nearly 50 years of this pattern.

 

Listen to your inner voice, it knows what you can't yet articulate, and is so deeply internalized that it is causing you sickness. Listen to it, trust it. Later, you will be able to articulate it, but if you never can, so what. The inner voice is still right.

Link to comment

Thank you everyone for your messages. To answer your question (NIN2000) I ask myself that same question I think the answer is this.

When I am first attracted to a guy its for many different reasons. Attractiveness, intelligence..etc...But mostly that first attraction is about who he is.

For example he may run, or play Rugby or has other interests like Painting, playing an instrument etc. Those are things which make him interesting to me and it says to me that he is happy doing his own thing etc. He is a strong individual. He can be on his own. If that then changes so I become his only interest he becomes dull to me. So no I don't want a cold self serving aggresive man. I guess I just want a strong individual who is a person in his own right. Hope that makes sense.

Link to comment

No I have never told him I love him because I don't think I do and I take great care with that word as it can be overused.

I am not living with him, although he wants me to. It would be easy for me to do that but I would rather be by myself than be

unhappy. In fact I think you can feel lonelier if you are with the wrong person.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...