He called me 15 times in a row...

[Allyo]

So I am fairly serious with a guy that I have been getting to know/dating over several months. By serious I mean we are only dating each other, although we haven't officially called each other boyfriend or girlfriend or had that talk... I am enjoying things and thinking that maybe we are heading in that direction if everything keeps going well.

 

However, something weird happened the other night, and I am not sure if it is a big deal or not...

 

The other night we went out to get a coffee and later on a couple of beers. It was almost midnight, and he had to leave to go catch a train since he was going to take the night train to go visit his family the next day. I told him that I was heading home or might call up a friend to see what she was up to. Nothing definite, and he said he would call me to make sure that I got back alright.

 

Well, I ended up calling my friend, and she invited me to a nightclub where she and another couple of my friends were at. It was just us girls hanging out really... I didn't even dance or talk to any other men. But about an hour later I look at my phone and have like 15 missed calls (and another 15 missed calls on my phone at home). Plus a text that says "Please call me as soon as you can, I am so worried. Just to know you got home okay."

 

I sent him a text apologizing and saying that I didn't hear his missed calls because I was out with a friend. After he came back from visiting his family, he asks me, "So how did it go with your friend?" And I told him that we were out at a night club. The weird part is that I saw him become visibly annoyed, and he just ended the conversation really abruptly saying that he was going to go have lunch. But the thing is that he was obviously annoyed or angry.... and since then he hasn't talked to me.

 

For one, I feel like he kind of exaggerated the whole "please call me to see if you got home" thing... I know it was a nice gesture. But he could have assumed that I just didn't hear the phone call and would get back to him shortly, right...?

 

I am just confused whether or not this is a big deal... did I handle this situation wrong here?

 

Any advice appreciated

[mhowe]

Big red flag. 30 calls after you told him you might go catch up with a friend.

Clearly, he thinks the friend was male --- and is acting possessive and jealous. But you are dating --- not exclusive. So whether it was a guy or girl is none of his business.

[junebug123]

Big red flag. 30 calls after you told him you might go catch up with a friend.

 

I love how women are always giving advice to other women and assuming they know how the male mind works when in fact they are just assuming. You could say the same thing about men, maybe if he said he was worried, then it was just him being worried. There could have been a million reasons why he thought you might have not picked up, maybe he thought you got attacked, or your phone got stolen, or you got into an accident, or you got sick, or you were in an area with bad reception.

 

The fact is that he seems slightly attached, and that is normal, it would have been weird if you had been dating him for like a couple of weeks instead of a couple of months and he got overly attached. Yes, 15 calls is a lot, maybe the poster is right, maybe he is jealous, is that so bad? People aren't perfect, they do stupid things on impulse, and if you find someone who is perfect, then run, and run fast because obviously they are not human.

 

Learn to forgive a little, and be understanding, put yourself in his shoes, think to yourself that if he told you that he was going out that night and would call you when he got home, but didn't call that you would be worried as well? Maybe you would worry and maybe you wouldn't have reacted the way he did, but everyone is different. Only time will tell how things pan out in the future, and of course if it keeps happening then maybe it's time to take a step back and distance yourself a little.

[mhowe]

Thirty texts and calls --- and she finds out about the 1st 15 an hour after, as she is leaving. She wasn't out all night --- she was out for an hour.

Then gets home and finds 15 MORE calls.

 

That is beyond the beyond.

[Dcgent]

Why don't you contact him and ask him about the situation. Instead of spending so much energy worrying and wondering you could have simply asked him. Don't you want a relationship with open communication, trust and respect?

[Allyo]

Why don't you contact him and ask him about the situation. Instead of spending so much energy worrying and wondering you could have simply asked him. Don't you want a relationship with open communication, trust and respect?

 

Well, I think talking about it is a good option! Or asking him about it... but... what I guess I wasn't sure whether I should just let it slide or bring it up... because the whole repetitive calling kind of creeped me out a little too...!

[NorthDallas40]

I love how women are always giving advice to other women and assuming they know how the male mind works when in fact they are just assuming.

 

Yes, this needs a male perspective. So here's my thoughts on the situation:

 

Big red flag. 30 calls after you told him you might go catch up with a friend.

Clearly, he thinks the friend was male --- and is acting possessive and jealous. But you are dating --- not exclusive. So whether it was a guy or girl is none of his business.

 

Dude, 15 calls in an hour is excessive. It shows that he's insecure or at the very least, immature, and his behavior after the OP explained things kinda proves that.

 

And I'm speaking from experience, not judging from afar. I've been in his shoes before, but the most I've done is left ONE voice mail. I didn't blow up the girl's phone with 15 calls, act butthurt when she gave me a totally reasonable explanation a mere hour later, then blank her entirely afterwards.

 

Sounds like a loser, to tell truth.

 

Though I may be biased... since I'm a guy and all.

[Moontiger]

Big red flag. 30 calls after you told him you might go catch up with a friend.

Clearly, he thinks the friend was male --- and is acting possessive and jealous. But you are dating --- not exclusive. So whether it was a guy or girl is none of his business.

 

Completely agree! There are only a handful of reasons a one person should call someone 30 times. This is FAR from being one of those reasons. My guess is this will get worse over time. I would distance myself from him.

[mhowe]

I know I am a woman, but thanks NDallas --- I thought the red flags were a flying on that one.

 

It wasn't 15 calls....it was 15 cell calls, 15 home calls and a text. And then when OP talked to him after he returned from visit w/ family --- he turned cold and walked away and has not been in contact.

 

Yikes. They are dating. Not bf/gf. Not exclusive. 31 contacts in less than 2 hrs.

 

The rule is --- one call. Or text. Then figure the other person is an adult and will get back to you when they want. And at this point...IF they want.

[Moontiger]

Think back, if I ever couldn't find someone I was dating I would call them once, wait a while, call them again, leave a message, wait a while and then MAYBE send a text saying something like "Hey, call me when you can."

[Allyo]

OK - I appreciate the replies... kind of confirms what I was feeling about being a little creeped out. But I have to admit, I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE.

 

Yes, I have repeatedly called a guy like this before... but he was my boyfriend and at the time being a total jerk. Of course I felt like it was justified at the time. I probably learned my lesson and would not do it again....

 

But, the point now is that I really did like this guy. I guess I am trying to figure out whether or not I can excuse that behavior. I am worried that this is potentially a sign of a jealous or possessive relationship....

[Moontiger]

OK - I appreciate the replies... kind of confirms what I was feeling about being a little creeped out. But I have to admit, I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE.

 

Yes, I have repeatedly called a guy like this before... but he was my boyfriend and at the time being a total jerk. Of course I felt like it was justified at the time. I probably learned my lesson and would not do it again....

 

But, the point now is that I really did like this guy. I guess I am trying to figure out whether or not I can excuse that behavior. I am worried that this is potentially a sign of a jealous or possessive relationship....

 

Trust your gut.

[mhowe]

It is a huge sign of something. And you are NOT in a relationship yet ---- you thought he had potential.

 

So, have a conversation with him and see what he has to say. But it better be good.

And not just "I was worried". You are a 26yr old woman who told him you were going to meet a friend. Not go straight home.

[metrogirl]

Hello, Im a nut job. = 30 calls.

[Moontiger]

Hello, Im a nut job. = 30 calls.

 

Can we make a whole list like this?

[Ms Darcy]

Dude, 15 calls in an hour is excessive. It shows that he's insecure or at the very least, immature, and his behavior after the OP explained things kinda proves that.

 

And I'm speaking from experience, not judging from afar. I've been in his shoes before, but the most I've done is left ONE voice mail. I didn't blow up the girl's phone with 15 calls, act butthurt when she gave me a totally reasonable explanation a mere hour later, then blank her entirely afterwards.

 

Sounds like a loser, to tell truth.

 

Glad to hear a male perspective.

 

And I agree that he's a loser. He didn't even acknowledge the issue with 30 calls in an hour and then gets annoyed with you. Two strikes ... he should be out.

 

I would move on.

[Ms Darcy]

Trust your gut.

 

I felt creeped out reading your first post. Your gut is a strong self-protector.

[justagirl2]

Again, I think people are getting a little too critic.

 

Yes, if this happens again it is indeed very weird. But, what if it was a one time occurrence? What if for some reason, he started calling her and got genuinely worried, a gut feeling or something? What if his brain went into auto-pilot and he didn't realize he was calling so much?

 

Maybe he was worried sick, and when she told him she was at a night club he got annoyed not because she went to a night club, but because he had been so worried and started feeling like an idiot for calling so many times. Maybe he was angry at the situation - making a fool of himself.

 

I could understand. Sometimes I do tell people to let me know when they get home and if they don't I freak out a little.

 

I mean, yes it could be a sign of a loser, a creep. But what if this was a misunderstanding? If the OP really likes him and it there hasn't been any red flags before, it might be a ok to talk things over and see what he says.

[Ms Darcy]

Ally, definitely come back and tell us if this relationship ends up working out.

[Moontiger]

What I have put in bold, if true, would creep me out even more about this guy. Many ppl who are controlling and/or abusive make many excuses about why they did XYZ, and most do going into auto-pilot and just DO things without thinking. Let's assume the calls happened over a five hour period (which is probably a longer period then what it actually was) that means he was calling her six times ever hour, or once ever 10 minuets.

 

This guy is creepier than Edward from Twilight.

[missmarple]

I think most people are being a bit harsh.

How do we know if this guy's ex, for example, or a friend or a relative, hadn't been attacked in the past and that made him insecure...more than normal, I mean?

So many bad things happen these days. Especially to women.

And he had told her he would call to make sure she got home safe.

I wouldn't stop dating him just for that reason...I would just watch his behaviour carefully for a while and see if that was just a bad night or he's extremely insecure and/or possessive in general.

[Cheetarah]

I'll be honest, some years ago I was the 15 calls in an hour person. It had 95% to do with insecurities, 5% to do with genuine concern that something was wrong(though of course I didn't see it that way at the tiem). There's nothing normal about it and it's completely self-serving. When he told me I was smothering him, I went off and cried in the bathroom and somehow it all became about me and my insecurities rather than acknowledging his feelings. So then HE wound up comforting me when I should have apologized and rectified. Hello, unstable insecure person. Don't be that person who apologizes for hurting their feelings by simply living and going out with your friends. It only perpetuates this behavior.

 

The fact that he got upset/annoyed with you is a bigger problem than the calls themselves. He was mad when he heard you were out having fun with your friends. Really, end of. If his response was something more along the lines of "I really went overboard with those calls, I am sorry. I'm really glad everything is ok, that won't happen again.", it would be a different story...Because yes, we are human. But in my opinion, he is exhibiting possessive behavior by actually having the audacity to now be cold and distant with you...and for what? For living? No, you can't walk on eggshells like that. I agree, trust your gut.

[lady00]

I would walk away. One occurrence of 30 calls is enough. I don't see the pointing in waiting to see what other bizarre things he does. He has shown you how he is early on. In dating most people don't give second chances after something like this happens (and rightly so).

[itsallgrand]

What would bother me even more than the 15 missed calls (which is insecurity, plain and simple) is that it was followed up with a pout when you two discussed what happened, and then him not talking to you.

 

Even if he were given the benefit of the doubt here, and he had a lapse of total insecurity that night, he followed it up with a lot of bad communication too.

 

It's very difficult, if not impossible, to talk straight with someone who is still doing that kind of thing. There wasn't even self awareness on his part about it either, which is the nail in the coffin of all that insecurity etc.

[Bunney]

A lot of lame excuses for unacceptable behavior!

I dont buy the whole "Oh I was just so worried about your safety" for a minute... since you had told him that you might call up a friend, I'm pretty sure the reason he called so much was because he really wanted to know what you ended up doing... ugh!

Even IF it was just genuince concern, I wouldn't wanna be with someone who freaks out thinking something horrible happened to me everytime they don't hear from me within an HOUR after saying goodbye.

 

I mean, 30 calls... really? recently a guy I wasn't even close to dating had called me up like 13 times in a row, I thought that was bad, lol.

 

oh and my last bf once called me about 20 times in a row and a million texts when my phone was out of battery for a few hours (after I had only known him for a couple of months!)... ofc he chalked it up for "being worried about me" but guess what, he turned out to be an extremely possessive and controlling boyfriend. If it walks like a duck....