Succes in dating is more about attraction than compatibility

[radiohead20]

Success in dating is more about attraction than compatability.

 

 

What do you guys think about this statement. We are always given the notion of meeting someone with like views, like interests, someone that that conversation "flows" with. But actually looking at relationships, past and present of myself and others is that comptability really has a lot less to do with success in dating than attraction.

 

It is almost like, attraction can pretty much trump anything. I have seen situations where people (especially women) have refused to date guys they get along perfectly with and have a lot in common with to do date guys they have absolutely nothing in common with, have less fun with, and where the conversation really does not flow. I have been on this end as well a few times in my life - one frustrating occasion was this girl I met and hung out with in groups - we had a ton in common and would talk to just each other/laugh etc. I then asked her to hang out one on one and she pretty much said no. fast forward 3 weeks later she started seeing this guy in our group who pretty much just stood there. I could tell their conversations were so forced and there was not any flow or anything in common. in fact, she would end up talking to me instead of him most of the time. he was pretty good looking. Funny thing is when I started hitting on other girls she would get pissy but I just ignored it.

 

 

Anyways, anyone notice this? I even see it in married couples and very long term relationships.

 

Its almost like, the best strategy for dating is to not find someone with mutual interests but instead make yourself as attractive as possible, irregardeless if what makes you attractive conflicts with who you are.

[NorthDallas40]

Having been on both sides of this equation, I can say this is certainly true for many people.

 

The ideal is to find that "sweet spot" of attraction & compatibility, but it's really tough to find.

[Moontiger]

A couple of thoughts:

 

First, I don't know who said this (if anyone knows please tell me) but I think its true, "No man has ever walked accross a room because of a women's intelligence." In other words, there has to be a base attraction between two people for a relationship to start.

 

Second, I think men are much more likely to put looks ahead of everything else. Its part of the culture, every other TV show has a fat, weird looking dude married to a thin, attractive woman.

 

Third, you have to define "success" I have had a grand total of three boyfriends in my life. I'm 27. I consider myself "successful" because I've had quality relationships.

[missmarple]

My first thoughts were that you are right but then I remembered situations where I really liked the guy and was attracted to him but I refused to date him because I felt we had nothing in common. On the other hand, I've dated and fallen in love with guys who I wasn't attracted to originally but, as you say, the conversation was flowing, we could laugh together and we got along great.

It also depends on the woman (I don't know if this happens with men, too). My best friend is the exact opposite of me. If she's not attracted to the guy the moment she sees him, she won't even give him a chance...and she's willing to put up with all sorts of 'losers' (I call them losers, she calls them 'people who are trying to find themselves'..lol) just because she's attracted to them.

I think the ideal is a combination of the two. Someone you're attracted to but who you also have things in common with.

As for 'making yourself as attractive as possible', you should be doing that for yourself, not as a dating strategy.

[LostRhino]

Didn't even have to read the thread before I agreed 100%. It is a hard truth to swallow but you don't have to look very far to see how accurate it is. It doesn't always trump EVERYTHING but its as close as it gets..well money works good too but I'm a firm believer that looks will get you even farther than money in that aspect. A ugly guys asks a girl out its creepy but no matter how corny if a "hot" guy does it's down right adorable lol. Attractive men and women alike seem to get away with more in relationships too. Its natural though I get it...I like pretty girls too but it seems backwards doesn't it? Looks shouldn't matter more but...they do. A number of women would step up and say looks isn't what's most important to them but we all know they would let a attractive guy get away with much more vs a average Joe. Same with men.

[pl3asehelp]

Probably true and the reason why when dating progresses to an actual relationship, the relationship will most likely fail.

 

I suck at dating, but have had great success at relationships. I'm very wary of people who are into dating and shudder at those who find it fun. It's similar to me to people who like to go shopping for entertainment because they find it enjoyable.

[missmarple]

A number of women would step up and say looks isn't what's most important to them but we all know they would let a attractive guy get away with much more vs a average Joe. Same with men.

 

You're wrong. I don't know about men but, speaking about myself, I've never let someone get away with something just because they were attractive. My best looking boyfriend ever (he used to model) I had left after just 2 months because he was boring me to death...and my 'ugliest' boyfriend I stayed with for a year.

That being said, attraction isn't always about 'good looks'. You could be crazily attracted to someone even if they're not the best looking guy in the group...attraction is about so many more things than just good looks. It's the way someone talks, looks at you, the things he says, his general 'aura'...it's what people call chemistry.

[Ms Darcy]

It is almost like, attraction can pretty much trump anything. I have seen situations where people (especially women) have refused to date guys they get along perfectly with and have a lot in common with to do date guys they have absolutely nothing in common with, have less fun with, and where the conversation really does not flow. I have been on this end as well a few times in my life - one frustrating occasion was this girl I met and hung out with in groups - we had a ton in common and would talk to just each other/laugh etc.

 

Its almost like, the best strategy for dating is to not find someone with mutual interests but instead make yourself as attractive as possible, irregardeless if what makes you attractive conflicts with who you are.

 

I think it is a very naive and limited view of compatibility. Compatibility is not just about having a lot in common, having fun, and having good conversation. It's amazing to me how many people will go on one date and assume compatibiliy because of those factors.

 

Look man, no matter how attractive you are woman are not going to be interested because you are a young man with a kid. Just like you are not interested in young women with kids. Having a child is a clear part of what compatibility really is - lifestyle and values. It doesn't matter how you look. Just have to accept that these women are not compatible.

[itsallgrand]

Yes, I think most people most of the time go for what they are attracted to and it trumps most other considerations most of the time.

 

The thing about it is "attracted to" can come from any place. It can be attraction to a dysfunction that resonates in you, it can be attraction based on the genitals, it can be attraction based on some undefinable quality about a person that makes a person do things they other wise say they wouldn't do/ go for - and yet they do. It can also be attraction based on something like this person is very kind and this appeals to you. It can be someone is a certain kind of intelligent, and funny, that appeals to you. It is possible to be attracted in a healthy way; and in unhealthy ways. Attraction. A very strong driver in folks.

 

That said, I don't agree with

Its almost like, the best strategy for dating is to not find someone with mutual interests but instead make yourself as attractive as possible, irregardeless if what makes you attractive conflicts with who you are.

 

That makes no sense to me given that if you compromise yourself, you end up compromising the ability to have healthy relationships.

 

But oh yeah right...who said anything about healthy?! If it's bulk you are after, I found I attracted more people while actively dysfunctional than not...but so what?!....no way in hell would I go back to dysfunctional in order to be in a relationship.

 

And I think the healthier you get, the less of a pool you have in a way...because there truly are so many people out there just fudging along...driven almost unconsciously to follow the next (to their eyes) hot thing...

 

I don't see the problem nor the conflict with attraction + mutual interests and getting along ....I think both are important...if there is no attraction, that is friend is it not?!

[Ms Darcy]

Without attraction what you have is friendship.

 

Attraction can get you in the door but compatibility keeps you together.

[goodheartlady]

I find it interesting that so many men - when rejected by women - can not just accept it at face value. Not every girl who is nice and polite with you actually wants to date you. As opposed to just accepting the rejection, they have to come up with some "theory" about why the woman's rationale is wrong.

 

Look when a guy does not want to date me, I just move on: he is not that into me. I don't blame him for being too focused on attraction blah blah. I don't analyze whom he dates next. I don't assume just be cause I felt there was a connection that he feels the same way. I just move on and find men who reciprocate my interest.

 

I respect people's decision to reject me: that is their choice.

[Ms Darcy]

I find something so odd about this thread. For example, OP, you have made it clear you like slender women. Which is fine but it's not every woman ... and certainly takes a lot of effort for a lot of women.

 

And yet, it seems like the women that slender women who are considered attractive get a lot of vitriol from some men for wanting men who they are attracted to. I don't know. That doesn't seem fair.

[732mni]

Probably true and the reason why when dating progresses to an actual relationship, the relationship will most likely fail.

 

I suck at dating, but have had great success at relationships. I'm very wary of people who are into dating and shudder at those who find it fun. It's similar to me to people who like to go shopping for entertainment because they find it enjoyable.

 

Good points. So the corollary would be:

 

Success in relationships is more about compatibility than attraction.

[Moontiger]

I find it interesting that so many men - when rejected by women - can not just accept it at face value. Not every girl who is nice and polite with you actually wants to date you. As opposed to just accepting the rejection, they have to come up with some "theory" about why the woman's rationale is wrong.

 

Look when a guy does not want to date me, I just move on: he is not that into me. I don't blame him for being too focused on attraction blah blah. I don't analyze whom he dates next. I don't assume just be cause I felt there was a connection that he feels the same way. I just move on and find men who reciprocate my interest.

 

I respect people's decision to reject me: that is their choice.

 

Very true. Just because one person think there is a connection/compatibility does mean the other person thinks the same thing. I promise you OP there have been women who felt a connection with you that would would never consider dating.

[radiohead20]

I find something so odd about this thread. For example, OP, you have made it clear you like slender women. Which is fine but it's not every woman ... and certainly takes a lot of effort for a lot of women.

 

And yet, it seems like the women that slender women who are considered attractive get a lot of vitriol from some men for wanting men who they are attracted to. I don't know. That doesn't seem fair.

 

Obviously being someone that is objectively very physically fit himself I don't see anything hypocritical about having the same standard for women I am dating. I refuse to date a women that I am not attracted too even if I am unable to attract the ones I am attracted too. It's simply not fair to them.

 

oh, and I don't have an issue with slender women wanting attractive men. I can see how people have an issue with women who are not attractive only wanting attractive men, which I do tend to see a lot these days.

[Moontiger]

Obviously being someone that is objectively very physically fit himself I don't see anything hypocritical about having the same standard for women I am dating. I refuse to date a women that I am not attracted too even if I am unable to attract the ones I am attracted too. It's simply not fair to them.

 

oh, and I don't have an issue with slender women wanting attractive men. I can see how people have an issue with women who are not attractive only wanting attractive men, which I do tend to see a lot these days.

 

See, I think the opposite is much more common. Men can be bald, over-weight, and look like they have been run over by a truck and still only date women who are thin with big boobs. I offer a challenge: can anyone name one cultural iconic couple (from TV, Movies, or Real life) where the man is fit and good looking and the woman is over-weight and/or unattractive?

[Ms Darcy]

I refuse to date a women that I am not attracted too even if I am unable to attract the ones I am attracted too. It's simply not fair to them.

 

And this is a fair statement. So it should be the same for women. If you get rejected by someone who you feel a connection to, just remember that the fairest thing they can do to you is to not date you when they are not attracted to you.

[Wayfara]

Success in dating is more about attraction than compatability. What do you guys think about this statement.

 

Attraction and compatibility are both equally important. Compatability without attraction is for friendship and attraction without compatibility is for casual sex, for romantic relationships you need both.

 

We are always given the notion of meeting someone with like views, like interests, someone that that conversation "flows" with. But actually looking at relationships, past and present of myself and others is that comptability really has a lot less to do with success in dating than attraction.

 

If you are counting sucess as in finding someone to have a good relationship with I don't think you could find that without compatibility. However there are people who share many of my views and interests who I can talk to easily that I am not compatible with in the romantic sense. And someone could be pretty different from you and still be compatible as a romantic partner because you agree on the views that really matters. Compatibility in romantic relationships isn't about how similar you are as persons but how you get along as a couple. For some flowing conversations is of lesser importance so they don't care if their partner isn't very talkative, for others conversations are very important and then it's a dealbreaker, it all depends on your priorities.

 

I even see it in married couples and very long term relationships.

 

Are they happy? If they are unhappy I wouldn't call them successful and if they are happy together that is pretty much the definition of a compatible couple.

[Blue Spiral]

Second, I think men are much more likely to put looks ahead of everything else. Its part of the culture, every other TV show has a fat, weird looking dude married to a thin, attractive woman.

 

I don't have a time-travel machine (yet), but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that men putting looks ahead of everything else is something that was happening long before TV. It's genetics, it transcends culture.

[Blue Spiral]

I find it interesting that so many men - when rejected by women - can not just accept it at face value. Not every girl who is nice and polite with you actually wants to date you.

 

I've been ignored by women for the vast majority of my life. I mean literally ignored, not even spoken to. On the rare occasion when a woman actually notices that I exist, I know that something very unusual is going on, and it's not difficult to go from that to "Wait, does she like me??"

 

Men and women are in different situations, so we respond to situations differently. Many women are used to having men open the door for them, etc., and they think nothing of it. Whereas many men are ignored by women, and when one actually pays attention to us, it's like a bolt of lightning.

[londonbridge]

See, I think the opposite is much more common. Men can be bald, over-weight, and look like they have been run over by a truck and still only date women who are thin with big boobs. I offer a challenge: can anyone name one cultural iconic couple (from TV, Movies, or Real life) where the man is fit and good looking and the woman is over-weight and/or unattractive?

 

I agree with this.

 

And not to undermine your point at all but Hugh Jackman and his wife immediately came to mind. His wife is on the heavier side and she looks like any ol' mid-west suburban soccer mom. When I first saw them together, I initially assumed his wife was his mother!

 

I was utterly stunned(for days) to find out she was his wife! It's so rare to see a gorgeous man with an overweight woman -so, your point still rings true.

[Moontiger]

I don't have a time-travel machine (yet), but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that men putting looks ahead of everything else is something that was happening long before TV. It's genetics, it transcends culture.

 

I think you completely missed the point of my post.

[Moontiger]

I agree with this.

 

And not to undermine your point at all but Hugh Jackman and his wife immediately came to mind. His wife is on the heavier side and she looks like any ol' mid-west suburban soccer mom. When I first saw them together, I initially assumed his wife was his mother!

 

I was utterly stunned(for days) to find out she was his wife! It's so rare to see a gorgeous man with an overweight woman -so, your point still rings true.

 

I just googled her. And I can see what your saying. So that's one example for a man being hotter then the woman.

 

Some examples of unattractive man with hot women:

 

Hugh Hefner

Peter Griffin

Uncle Phil (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)

Cliff Huxtable

Silvio Berlusconi

Prince Charles (Diana was at least 3 hotness points above him. Camilla is much more suited to him look-wise)

Homer Simpson

Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum

Jay-Z

Snoop Dog

Newt Gingrich

Geoffrey Arend (Seriously, this guy must have one HECK of personality)

Lewis Skolnick (Revenge of the Nerds)

 

That's just a few I can think of.

[Rosti87]

I think there is some 'truth' to this. I think for men in particular looks are more important in the dating phase, but ultimately compatibility and shared values is what makes a relationship.

[Thorshammer]

Yes and no, you cant force everyone into one box. I had a few exgfs who offered nothing but their looks, and i in return only offered my looks in return. These successful dates rarely turn into successful relationships, i am 32 and still not married, and i still meet these hot women who offer nothing else - but their looks pull me to chase them, and they still lead nowhere. I just cut if off with a very attractive girl because she just stood there with no personality to offer, she just sat there and did these distinct smiles and movements (she was amazing at body language, she should really have her own class on sex appeal- she truly was a movie star).

 

But i know guys with social traits that gathered serious attraction from women. Humor and confidence+ social status made these men very attractive.