Succes in dating is more about attraction than compatibility

[Esox]

Been going through something of this lately myself. Finished with a very attractive woman who made me weak at the knees (literally) because of her actions and behaviours towards me (running hot then cold, pulling me towards her then pushing me away etc) but also because there was so little else apart from the attraction. As someone said earlier in the thread, age makes a difference too. I'm 48 and have enough life experience to know that the attraction will only get you so far. We were opposite on almost every dimension (I like to exercise and she doesn't, I'm open minded politically and she isn't, and so on).

 

Now I'm dating someone else, someone who I really admire for her strength, her accomplishments, her modesty, her intelligence and yes there is also a physical attraction but that is complementary to her other attributes, not the sole one.

 

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy giving up on the stunning girlfriend (I'm not as deep as I may wish to appear ) and it still isn't easy (she contacts me quite a bit since I ended it, telling me what how she had decided I was the one etc but I split up with her just before she could tell me!).

 

To paraphrase Jerome K. Jerome, the lamp of love has to light the fire of affection or else any relationship will surely not last.

[Moontiger]

I'm genuinely sorry to learn of this. Maybe I'm stuck in a male bubble. Hopefully men will come around some day

 

Hey, I think there is probably a lot of BS men have to put up with that I don't know about because its not my experience. And, just for the record, I know there are a ton of good guys out there who don't act like this. Just like there are a ton of woman who don't do...whatever it is guy have to put up with! Lol.

 

If any guys here are interested in learning more about the female perspective in our society I highly suggest the book "The Purity Myth" I think it give a solid base for understanding what have been talked about in this thread.

[The_Seeker]

Depends your definition on attraction.

 

Attraction to money, looks, fame, etc, is short-term. Sure it can last long for a while because of the abundance. In the very end it, it won't last.

 

All I know is when someone sees the heart, it will last a very long time regardless of money, looks, fame, etc.

[Blue Spiral]

Men today seem to think they are owed an attractive woman.

 

I don't think I'm owed any woman, let alone an attractive one. That said, I'm not going to lower my standards for attractiveness, just as most women aren't going to lower their standards for finances/success. It's true--I'm not super-attractive, but I want an attractive woman. But I've known many women who were barely scraping by or even living with their parents, and they had extremely high requirements for how much money a man needed to make.

 

The "men are mean to you after you sexually reject them" phenomenon shouldn't be a mystery, btw. Most men don't have a "secondary role" category like women do. If a woman doesn't want a man, she may keep him around as an ego-boosting, potentially-useful friend. But if a man is rejected by a woman (note that the women do the rejecting in both scenarios; they're the ones with power in that area), he has no other use for her, so he can burn that bridge and move on.

 

In short, it's not "men think they're owed an attractive woman." It's "men have no use for non-attractive women".

[Moontiger]

Once again, you have completely missed the point.

[lady00]

I see what you're saying but then at the end of the day the incompatible couples are probably not all that happy are they? So I guess they're willing to trade off compatibility for attraction and then they don't leave because of inertia? I can't envision myself doing that. My current crush is someone I've known for a while and I never really looked at him as someone I could possibly date until I got to know him much better. His physical appearance didn't change (well actually he gained a few pounds) but I became much more interested in him after spending a lot of time with him and feeling like we got along really well. I could be a total weirdo in my approach to dating (and it's been years since I dated someone) but I need compatibility. I need the conversations to flow and I need to laugh a lot. I can't do the whole hot guy who I have nothing in common with thing anymore. Maybe when I was 20 years old but now that I'm closer to 30, I just can't.

[goodheartlady]

It think it is hilarious seeing men - admittedly unattractive chasing after attractive women. You spend your time chasing women who are out of your league, and then whine about these women "not paying attention to you" and "rejecting you." Ugh - you are responsible for your own failures, buddy.

 

Oh yes, you rejected a super hot woman because she was high maintenance. Riggghhht. Maybe you just wised up to the fact that she doesn't want you and finally gave up after the 10th time she ignored your text?

[The_Seeker]

It think it is hilarious seeing men - admittedly unattractive chasing after attractive women. You spend your time chasing women who are out of your league, and then whine about these women "not paying attention to you" and "rejecting you." Ugh - you are responsible for your own failures, buddy.

 

Oh yes, you rejected a super hot woman because she was high maintenance. Riggghhht. Maybe you just wised up to the fact that she doesn't want you and finally gave up after the 10th time she ignored your text?

 

LOL We can't assume what people say online about their dating decisions. We can only see it with our own eyes.

[Ms Darcy]

"Attractive" is also very subjective. I have a male friend who rates himself a 6 out of 10. I don't like ratings, but even I laughed. I thought him at best a 4 ... moreso a 3. Only because he's got a beer belly and he looks sloppy sometimes. But he's a really nice guy.

 

Oh well. Attraction is in the eye of the beholder.

[Lonewing]

Is the sky blue?

 

Research has shown that babies are able to recognize beauty.

 

It's not near as subjective as we like to believe - we tell ourselves that lie because it makes use feel better, and gives some hope.

 

Woman have also been shown to be harder on looks [consider a higher level to be "average"] than men...

 

There's a good point a friend of mine shared with me this weekend, about tight pants, and about a friend we knew. As she said, "Why do you think he always had a girlfriend or at least an FBuddy?"

 

Relationships are besides the point, the long term monogamous relationship is an artificial limit placed by some to be the highest goal, when it's not. "Success" here is measured by the number of people you can be with, and by the caliber of the people you can be with, at any one time. It's just like any other fancy thing, like cars, clothes, jewelry; your car may do everything a car is "supposed" to do, but it's still the sports cars and the Lamborghinis that get the nods. "But they're no good for long term!" So what. They're good for a short term rush, and maybe some of them are terrible, but when you're highly attractive, you can quickly slip through and past a couple duds to a dynamite...and likely hold it for at least long enough to enjoy it.

 

It's just life...

 

P.S. Attractive people are not just more successful in dating, they're also more likely to get into a prestigious club or get hired for a job. They may not be able to do the job as well as you can, but then, if you never get the opportunity to prove your value, you remain unemployed while they enjoy the opportunity of chance. You can't play the game and get better at it, if you never get picked; you can't meet those people if you cannot get past the bouncer.

 

We can argue the "it's all subjective!" argument all day; the truth speaks for itself, and there are volumes of studies that show this belief is just a myth.

[Moontiger]

Certain aspects of beauty are subjective other are not. Facial symmetry for example is pretty universal for rating attractiveness. But each culture and time period has a different standard. The Kayan people come to mind. So, in reality its both subjective and objective.

[Moontiger]

It think it is hilarious seeing men - admittedly unattractive chasing after attractive women. You spend your time chasing women who are out of your league, and then whine about these women "not paying attention to you" and "rejecting you." Ugh - you are responsible for your own failures, buddy.

 

Oh yes, you rejected a super hot woman because she was high maintenance. Riggghhht. Maybe you just wised up to the fact that she doesn't want you and finally gave up after the 10th time she ignored your text?

 

I don't think its impossible that this is the truth. In my life I have seen it happen once. The girl was hot but crazy, it took two years before the guy dumped her.

[BritterSweet]

If attractiveness being subjective was "just a myth," then absolutely everybody would agree on one person's attractiveness and prefer the same thing. There would be no variety.

[lady00]

Maybe I'm a bit off topic here but I can find someone more or less physically attractive because of their behavior. I think it's because I tend to overlook physical flaws when I'm really into someone's personality. Obviously I have to be attracted at some minimum level but my level of attraction fluctuates wildly depending on how someone asks. If someone is a jerk all of a sudden I notice all of the things about his appearance that turn me off and his adorable face loses all of it's appeal to me. His dimples that were oh so cute begin to annoy me lol. I may be weird in that regard but it's happened to me on more than one occasion! And then there are the very hot guys I've known who just aren't that interesting to me personality-wise and while I'd love to stare at them all day, I have better things to do like sleeping, eating and working.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think its impossible that this is the truth. In my life I have seen it happen once. The girl was hot but crazy, it took two years before the guy dumped her.

 

I agree. There is an element of objectivity yes but subjectivity as well. In my post I noted my friend and I talked about an objective thing that makes him unattractive in my opinion (big belly) and a subjective thing (looking sloppy). Behaviors and looks make a difference and interact with each other.

[Rosti87]

Regarding men who get nasty after they are rejected: I still think only a certain percentage of men do this. The percentages are probably higher in the younger guys and mellows out with age. If anyone who is 'unattractive' decides that they will only pursue 'attractive' should expect more rejection. Its horses for courses.

[Blue Spiral]

Once again, you have completely missed the point.

 

You keep using that phrase. I do not think it means what you think it does.

[HeatherB]

You keep using that phrase. I do not think it means what you think it does.

Inconceivable!

[Reflective82]

I disagree.

 

I have dated guys where the sex is great and they say they are really attracted to me, but they haven't wanted to go out with me because they don't feel we click enough.

 

I think it's more about the connection and the click. Obviously the attraction ha got to be there first though

[Lonewing]

I disagree.

 

I have dated guys where the sex is great and they say they are really attracted to me, but they haven't wanted to go out with me because they don't feel we click enough.

 

I think it's more about the connection and the click. Obviously the attraction ha got to be there first though

 

The whole thing is, due to your attractiveness, you got to play long enough for them to gauge your personality and how it clicked with them. By your attractiveness, this means you will have more "successful" attempts at being intimate with another person. And by the law of averages, this also means you are more likely to end up with a partner who meets or exceeds what you are looking for in a partner.

 

The rest of us get to be content with pocket pool, long solo walks on the beach, and mai tais under a setting sun on an island that had might as well be inhabited only by a volleyball named "Wilson."

 

This point has already been proven, though, by the number of 90-99% matches that have not replied or reached out on places like OKCupid, particularly those who have answered 1000 questions or more. At that point, we can accurately state that we are Very Compatible, a point where I almost feel a date is obligatory without even looking at pictures. And yet...no contact. [My last girlfriend, albeit, was a 97% match. Smart cookie, that one...I can't remember if she contacted me first, or me her, as we were looking at each other's profiles at the same time and responded almost as quickly to each other. That one, she understood statistics!!]

 

Pictures come into play, though, because I have discovered that I am physiologically affected by weight. Based upon that insight of myself alone, I can say people who are a more attractive weight, will get more attention from me, and that means if they were to pursue me, it would be much easier for them to get a date.

 

Our parents tell us to not judge a book by its cover, most likely because they've been rolled over themselves a few times and know how painful it can be to fall for the wrong person over looks.

[Reflective82]

When you say "the rest of us"- what do you mean by that? I doubt that everyone here is unattractive!

 

I almost think it's worse sometimes that a woman (or man) can attract a guy and then (always AFTER sex, not that I do it often outside of a relationship) the guy decides he has got what he wants and fizzles out. It almost makes me wonder if there is something wrong with my personality, although the logical part of me knows it's just that it fizzled out, but as a woman you get very attached when you sleep with a guy.

 

Obviously attraction does come into play, but I would argue more for men than women. Personally if I think a guy is "ok" looking I give it a shot because I know that once I start chatting to the guy, if I admire his personality and feel he has other qualities I like, then I can grow to be more attracted to him. Especially once we've had sex, then I'm completely head over heels as that really gets women's attachment hormones going.

 

When you say no contact online do you mean no women initiating? As I don't initiate even if I like the guy, as I want the security of knowing he initiated and likes me first....

[Lonewing]

When you say "the rest of us"- what do you mean by that? I doubt that everyone here is unattractive!

 

There are those who are attractive and there are those who are not. The middle ground is wildly dependent on the beer goggles...tongue in cheek...

 

 

I almost think it's worse sometimes that a woman (or man) can attract a guy and then (always AFTER sex, not that I do it often outside of a relationship) the guy decides he has got what he wants and fizzles out. It almost makes me wonder if there is something wrong with my personality, although the logical part of me knows it's just that it fizzled out, but as a woman you get very attached when you sleep with a guy.

 

I don't think there are any fast set rules here. I, for instance, know I get more attached after good sex. I like that feeling that is the afterglow, and when it's good sex, it knocks the wind out of both our sails. This being said, I would say it is the More Mobile individual who makes that call afterwards. If you have something good, but you know you can get as good any day of the week, you're not going to value it near as much as the person who happens on a good thing once every time Halley's comet comes around. I suppose the bad thing here is, if you get something good that is incompatible but you hold on to it anyway, it ends in flames...

 

Obviously attraction does come into play, but I would argue more for men than women. Personally if I think a guy is "ok" looking I give it a shot because I know that once I start chatting to the guy, if I admire his personality and feel he has other qualities I like, then I can grow to be more attracted to him. Especially once we've had sex, then I'm completely head over heels as that really gets women's attachment hormones going.

 

I just learned this weekend some news that say otherwise. this bike-caddie was getting a girl's number after hauling her up the street and giving her his coat because she was cold. I remarked about this to a female friend and she remarked mmmm yes, as she looked at the guy, and commented on his calves. I of course found this peculiar, but then as men there are usually faces, boobs, and butts in the way before we ever get to calves...me being frankly honest here. She set me straight, and then added how nice tight pants are, and finally ended with "for as much crap as [beastboy] took for wearing leggings and skinny jeans, I Never knew him to ever be without either a girlfriend or a FB. Tight pants, they show off the goods..."

 

At this point, I say attraction is every bit as important for a woman as it is for a man. Women are just much more covert on hiding their list. With men, it's very easy to hit our top three on the list...face and bikini zones...

 

When you say no contact online do you mean no women initiating? As I don't initiate even if I like the guy, as I want the security of knowing he initiated and likes me first....

 

Women not initiating, and not even replying. My first girlfriend, I liked her, but refused a relationship, and then she pursued me for the next three months. She won...

 

So I guess we have identified a string: attraction leads to sex, sex leads to attachment, attachment allows the hormones to smudge compatibility, which means the relationship lasts for a while, at least long enough to really establish for at least one person if it should continue onwards or break up.

[Reflective82]

Yep-- and meanwhile sex muddles my thinking and makes me think I am in love, whilst it probably clears the guys thinking. I think before sex women think more clearly, and men less clearly. After sex, women think less clearly and men more clearly. Evidence of this is my last FWB who I liked but think he was more into me, after a few months of sex I fell for him really hard and he faded out. It sucks.....

 

I would say attraction can grow for women though, my last FWB I thought was "ok" at first, but he had other things I liked like height and a really good job, he made me laugh....then once I had slept with him I suddenly wanted him to be my BF and he wasn't interested.

 

I have small boobs so no luck on the bikini boob zone for me

[radiohead20]

It think it is hilarious seeing men - admittedly unattractive chasing after attractive women. You spend your time chasing women who are out of your league, and then whine about these women "not paying attention to you" and "rejecting you." Ugh - you are responsible for your own failures, buddy.

 

What is even more hilarious and much much more common is average to below average women demanding a man that is in the top 5-10%, look-wise.

 

It is much harder for a guy to attract a women that is objectively his physical equivalent than vice versa.

[goodheartlady]

Hey I am sorry that girl picked the other guy over you (back to your original post). I hope all these Internet commentary and theorizing makes you feel better about the situation.