Why are some men/boys so sleazy?

[Cons]

Its almost as if you have just recently discovered the power of the vagina...

 

Why are some men/boys so sleazy?

 

Because an outward burst of (usually) fake confidence is better than a heartfelt discussion about how jealous and insecure they are

[Bunney]

I dont really have an answer for this question, but gosh does it remind me of the harassment that I and all the halfway attractive females I know have to go through every day.

 

Just few days ago an older man just grabbeD/stroked my hand as he was getting out of the train, then when I gave him a furious look and said something angry, he made a sexual hand gesture toward me.

 

Oh and today one of my female friends told me how she was in the bus at night some days ago, there was a dude sitting there staring at her the whole time WHILE TOUCHING HIS CROTCH.... then got out at the same station as her and followed her around until she luckily ran into some police men after which the dude disappeared.

 

 

I dont know what makes guys think this kind of behaviors would even be SLIGHTLY okay. So exhausting to deal with this kind of creepy and gross guys every SINGLE day, it got to the point I angrily ask them what the hell they staring at if the gawk at me for too long.

[superfan]

You're absolutely right, but it goes both ways. If each gender knew what it was like for the other gender, they'd surely behave differently.

 

True.

 

 

From the time I was about thirteen to the time I was twenty-five, I tried being nice in order to get girls to like me. Part of it was agenda-oriented, and part of it was because I really do believe in treating others the way I'd like to be treated. I am here to tell you that it never worked in any significant way. Just speaking for myself, spending time around women that like you and think you're an upstanding guy (but won't sleep with you) isn't very fun.

 

But that's your problem. You were being "nice" to "get women to sleep with you and/or like you". Agenda oriented "niceness" almost always comes accross as desperate. Add to that the fact that women are not machines that you put kindness coins into expecting sex to come out. Just because you are nice to a woman does not obligate her to sleep with you. There are a number of reasons a woman might not be interested that have nothing to do with the fact that you didn't act like a jerk. She might be already involved, she might be gay, she might be interested in someone else, recently out of a relationship and not looking for anything, concentrating on school/work, or just genuinely not into you. Either way, you being a decent human being to her should not be something that is conditional. People sense that kind of agenda and it will automatically rule you out as a potential partner regardless.

 

Maybe that's why so many men go the "sleazy" route: they're tired of the middle-ground known as the friendzone, and being evil and direct is a way to avoid it. At least you know, one way or the other, and you don't have to keep wasting your time with a woman that may or may not give you a shot, someday.

 

But that's the thing - you can still be direct and find out one way or the other without being a sleazy jerk. You just simply have to ASK her. Approach a woman, strike up a conversation, say something along the lines of "I like you - I find you interesting and attractive. Would you like to go out with me?" She will give you a direct answer if you give her a direct question - no sleaziness required. Hanging around playing the shoulder to cry on hoping she will someday notice you is counter productive. If you don't present yourself as a viable romantic option, a woman will not see you as one. Period.

 

Honest question: do you think your plan ("If you treat all woman with politeness and respect, eventually you will get one to respond") sounds particularly appealing or hopeful to men? I mean, eventually you will get one to respond? So, maybe when they're around thirty, they'll get a response from a woman they're not even attracted to? (If you think I'm exaggerating, look at some of the "involuntarily celibate" posts on ENA from guys who can't even get a single date or girlfriend. If not for absolute dumb luck, that would be me.) I'm sorry, but that sounds more like a conscience write-off than a realistic plan. "I don't have to feel bad about their situation...if they keep trying, well, they'll probably eventually find some girl. They shouldn't be complaining, they'll find some woman desperate enough for an inexperienced man. Not me, though..."

 

I actually would say the same thing for skeezy jerky guys who make rude comments to women at clubs. Obviously the vast majority of them are going to turn them down. They use the approach however, in the hopes that eventually ONE will respond. And likely that is the theory behind the approach. It's not desperation, it's just math. Everyone has different circumstances (as I mentioned above) and not all women will be available to YOU to date. You can choose to approach them using basic human kindness and decency, or you can go the jerk route. Your odds are probably slightly in favour of kindness, but it all comes down to who you want to be.

[quirky]

I think they do it for 2 reasons

 

-They don't know how it makes us feel. Since we 'ignore' the comments they think we brushed it off and don't care so they continue making comments since noone is hurt. They don't know the disgust and FEAR we experienced. I am petrified when a guy is like that because if I say anything back he can hit me and rape me if he wants because I have much less strength than him.

-Men start losing it a bit when they haven't had sex in a while. Not that this always results in this behaviour but I once talked with a male friend who is a good guy and doesn't sleep around yet he told me how he was going crazy and was close to acting inapproapriately because he hadn't had sex in a long time.

[pl3asehelp]

An, this one is easy. They do it because women respond favorably often enough that it's worth the risk. If women reacted with a slap in the face or blacklisting men who act this way, this would stop immediately. Women control this situation 100% through their reaction to the behavior. Just more of the bad boy thing.

[Seraphim]

I told you get a big fat whistle every time some guy does this blow it real loud!

[Lonewing]

Being "sleazy" cannot be taught, it's a choice one makes.

 

Everything can be taught, this included.

[Lonewing]

Your odds are probably slightly in favour of kindness, but it all comes down to who you want to be.

 

If this was even remotely true, then you'd see an extremely polite race of men.

[Lonewing]

I think they do it for 2 reasons

 

-They don't know how it makes us feel. Since we 'ignore' the comments they think we brushed it off and don't care so they continue making comments since noone is hurt. They don't know the disgust and FEAR we experienced. I am petrified when a guy is like that because if I say anything back he can hit me and rape me if he wants because I have much less strength than him.

-Men start losing it a bit when they haven't had sex in a while. Not that this always results in this behaviour but I once talked with a male friend who is a good guy and doesn't sleep around yet he told me how he was going crazy and was close to acting inapproapriately because he hadn't had sex in a long time.

 

So that adds power on one hand and purpose on another...

[Lonewing]

It is a problem - How do you get a woman to sleep with you? Men don't give a damn about the rest of that crap, they just want to get laid. But we can't do that, because that industry is by and large illegal. So what's a man to do?

 

Number one force that keeps the earth turning...

[Blue Spiral]

But that's your problem. You were being "nice" to "get women to sleep with you and/or like you". Agenda oriented "niceness" almost always comes accross as desperate. Add to that the fact that women are not machines that you put kindness coins into expecting sex to come out.

 

I can't deal with anything more socially-complicated than that. Also, I don't have anything to offer other than niceness.

 

But that's the thing - you can still be direct and find out one way or the other without being a sleazy jerk. You just simply have to ASK her. Approach a woman, strike up a conversation, say something along the lines of "I like you - I find you interesting and attractive. Would you like to go out with me?"

 

I don't find them interesting, and I don't want to go out with them.

 

I've seen the types of men that most women end up with. If the men in question opened with a sentence even remotely like the one you quoted, I'll eat my hat.

[Seraphim]

My husband asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him and the rest is history. So,yes ,it does work to be polite.

[superfan]

An, this one is easy. They do it because women respond favorably often enough that it's worth the risk. If women reacted with a slap in the face or blacklisting men who act this way, this would stop immediately. Women control this situation 100% through their reaction to the behavior. Just more of the bad boy thing.

 

Ahh right so it's a woman's fault when she is catcalled and accosted....silly me.

[happpybear]

I love this!

[Blue Spiral]

My husband asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him and the rest is history. So,yes ,it does work to be polite.

 

I'm glad that being polite worked for him. It never worked for me, unfortunately. (Granted, I was dealing with other challenges, as well.)

[Lonewing]

I had a lot of time to think at work today, and I boiled it down to this...

 

Women want men to respect them for something more intelligent than basic physical attributes...

And men want women to have wild animal sex with them in every way imaginable.

 

Neither of us will ever get what we want in this life, so it seems like things are quite fair at the moment.

[chinko14]

Because it attracts the type of person they're looking for lol

[superfan]

I had a lot of time to think at work today, and I boiled it down to this...

 

Women want men to respect them for something more intelligent than basic physical attributes...

And men want women to have wild animal sex with them in every way imaginable.

 

Neither of us will ever get what we want in this life, so it seems like things are quite fair at the moment.

 

My husband respects me for far more than my physical attributes. He also got my attention by being polite, kind, respectful and confident in himself. He did not use a cheesy come on or pick up line.

 

And while he and I enjoy sex very very much, it certainly wasn't the be all and end all of his world. He wanted a relationship just as much as any other human being.

 

So no, these are gross generalizations that are not even remotely accurate for the entirety of either gender.

[Seraphim]

My husband respects me for far more than my physical attributes. He also got my attention by being polite, kind, respectful and confident in himself. He did not use a cheesy come on or pick up line.

 

And while he and I enjoy sex very very much, it certainly wasn't the be all and end all of his world. He wanted a relationship just as much as any other human being.

 

So no, these are gross generalizations that are not even remotely accurate for the entirety of either gender.

 

Yup. I agree.

[shes2smart]

My observation has been that men who basically like and respect women tend to do well with finding partners.

 

Same holds true for women. Women who basically like and respect men tend to do well with finding partners.

 

I'd imagine that principle holds true for those who are attracted to the same gender as well.

 

If someone has a chip on their shoulder or ideas that members of gender they're attracted to are evil, withholding something they want & believe they should have, are out to use/abuse them and so on, it's not a huge surprise when it turns out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

The type of man who tended to notice me when I was in what I call my "bitter, man-hatin' phase" was very different then the type of man who tended to notice me after I'd done some serious work to let go of that bitterness and anger I had toward their gender. It was one particular guy who was the focus of my bitterness and ire...not all of them. When I stopped looking to blame all men for the sins of one, the experiences I had changed.

 

People treat you about as well or as badly as you allow them to.

[Fudgie]

Women who have it together and are mature are going to like respectful men, you know, men who treat them like human beings!

 

There are women out there, who for whatever reason, abuse, self esteem, immaturity, etc are attracted to men who treat them poorly. I actually talked to a coworker who told me that she never seemed to find a guy to date who hadn't been in jail in the past. She always found out about criminality months later! Why is that? All has to do with how these guys are treating her and how she expects to be treated. She doesn't expect good treatment so she's not finding good guys.

 

If you expect to be treated like a w___e, guess what, people will treat like a w_____e. The irony kills me. Some women are man haters because of how they've been treated. Yet, because they expect all men to be dogs, they only end up with dogs.

[Blue Spiral]

I had a lot of time to think at work today, and I boiled it down to this...

 

Women want men to respect them for something more intelligent than basic physical attributes...

And men want women to have wild animal sex with them in every way imaginable.

 

Neither of us will ever get what we want in this life, so it seems like things are quite fair at the moment.

 

I don't know...in a sense, it's a lot easier for (generalized) men to get what we want. Remember that Calvin and Hobbes strip where Calvin wants to know what Hobbes would want, assuming he could have anything in the world? Hobbes says he'd want a sandwich, and Calvin can't believe he chose something that simple; he'd choose a space shuttle or a private continent or the like. Hobbes then goes and fixes himself a sandwich. "I got what I wanted."

 

It's a lot easier for me to find a woman to have sex with than it is for a woman to find her Ideal Relationship Candidate, who may not even exist.

[Blue Spiral]

My observation has been that men who basically like and respect women tend to do well with finding partners.

 

Same holds true for women. Women who basically like and respect men tend to do well with finding partners.

 

What if we don't like or respect people in general? (Well, I don't mind them if I don't have to be around them for very long.)

 

People treat you about as well or as badly as you allow them to.

 

That's only half of the story, though. The other half is that people have different amounts of options, which factors into how they let themselves be treated. Someone with lots of options can say "I'm not putting up with this!", leave, and be in a new, better relationship in no time. Someone without lots of options can say the same thing, and then be alone for the rest of their life.

[shes2smart]

What if we don't like or respect people in general? (Well, I don't mind them if I don't have to be around them for very long.)

 

Well...they don't call me "Auntie Social" for nothing....

 

I prefer my own company the vast majority of the time and I think people do and think and believe a lot of stupid crap that results in their making their own lives miserable. However, at the same time I respect that fact that we're all here to learn different lessons and we're all at different stages of development. Underneath my judgmentalism and curmudgeon-like exterior I believe most people are basically good (or at least have good intentions). While I do believe there are a handful of truly evil individuals in the world, I think a lot of the human-caused bad things that happen occur because of stupidity or thoughtlessness rather than intentional behavior to harm others.

 

That mere fact that I believe ^ that is enough to make most of my interactions with other people pleasant enough....even though I purposely and intentionally try to keep those interactions to a minimum. If I truly thought I was better than everyone else and that the majority of other people were evil, stupid and/or inferior, my interactions with others and my perception of those interactions would likely be very different.

 

That's only half of the story, though. The other half is that people have different amounts of options, which factors into how they let themselves be treated. Someone with lots of options can say "I'm not putting up with this!", leave, and be in a new, better relationship in no time. Someone without lots of options can say the same thing, and then be alone for the rest of their life.

 

People also have options as to how they respond to outside events they have no control over.

 

There's a huge difference in one's experience of life with a "OMG, I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and no one will love me, boo hoo" attitude than if one chooses to make the best of the hand they've been dealt.