Groom sexts on Thursday Sunday and Monday, gets married Saturday. What to do?

[lavenderdove]

Ah, one of the many ranks of 'cake eaters' (as in, wants their cake and to eat it too).

 

I would imagine if this woman is far away from him and he still marries her, then there must be significant advantage to the marriage from his standpoint (i.e., improves his social or business connections? does she have money or assets he'll be sharing in? improves his social standing? pregnant or perhaps they have a child together he's never told you about). Regardless, don't downplay the marriage because it is a BIG social and legal change in his life and status. She offered him something he wanted, and something significant, or he woudn't have done it.

 

So now lets get back to you. The thing you need to focus on here is YOU, not his wife or whether she should know or not. He has just done a SIGNIFICANT betrayal of you. So in one action (his marriage to her), he also betrayed you just as much or should i say MORE than his wife, because he's been carrying on with you in what you describe as intimate emotional closeness and FWB type exchanges for YEARS and he gave you ZERO clue that this was coming. So it's a HUGE betrayal and you shouldn't just be SAD about it, you should be MAD about it because he duped you into a relationship that you would NOT have knowingly participated in if you had known (and he of course knows that or else why not talk about his marriage wiht such an intimate friend).

 

So that is a long way of saying, regardless of what you think, this man is not your friend nor does he have your best interests at heart. He's using you as if you were a 900 number dirty chat service for free whenever he's in the mood. And he's getting to live this great fantasy of a stable wife and family and a pseudo-mistress on the side. Emotional cheating is as bad as physical cheating, and he's making you his dirty little secret whether you like it or not.

 

You have to look at the bigger picture here. What can this man really offer you (nothing but dirty talk and more lies and manipulation), and what would the RIGHT thing to do from a karma perspective? The right thing to do here that is fully under your power, is to send him a message and tell him that you know he is married, and since he has made that bed, he now needs to lie it in, and he will do so at his leisure, but you're not sticking around to serve as his secret emotional-mistress and free 900 chat service!

 

He made his choice, and now he has to live with the consequences of his choices and his betrayal, and the most appropriate response to this situation is to totally withdraw and never speak to him or communicate with him again! Send him an email and tell him, 'Congratulations to you and your lovely bride.. I hope you have many years of happiness, and it is time for me to move on and let you enjoy your new life together!' Then you do not respond, EVER, to any attempts that he makes to contact you.

 

He's a liar and a cheat and you are NOT emotionally close to him, no matter what you think, because he is hiding HUGE and very important things from you and manipulating and using you for titillation. In your posts it is clear that you are straining to downplay his connection to his wife, while playing up your 'special' connection to him. But your 'special' connection is to an ESPECIALLY heinous guy who talks to dirty to one woman while marrying another woman behind her back. That means you have a 'special' connection to a liar, cheat, and an ARSE. Who needs that? Certainly not you! You need to DISCONNECT from people like this rather than trying to convince yourself that he's so special and it's so complicated and blah blah blah. No it isn't! You've got a sleazy guy here who is comfortable about lying to multiple women (you and his wife) in order to amuse himself and get his jollies off. Please don't soil yourself by continued contact with him. You're innocent when you don't know about it, but the second you do, time to give him the heave ho!

 

So put on the biggest boot you have and take a good swing then boot his butt out of your life altogether! You don't need selfish and lying/manipulative people like this in your life. The best 'punishment' for this behavior is to help him recognize the cost of using/abusing people like this. If you are important to him, then he damn well just has to learn to live without you because he betrayed you and used you under false pretences, and every time he thinks of you let it be a thorn twisting in his side that he should have not behaved this way or he would have still had you in his life. If he'd been honorable and honest with you all along and not engaged you as his 900 number free chat service and concealed his marriage, you could have stayed friends after the wedding, but no, not after this!

[IAmFCA]

um, iamstrong, you are making some assumptions here. yes, I enjoyed my back and forth with my ex, sure, never said I didn't. wouldn't engage with him now. he is married. I was never trying to be his mistress and I wouldn't even begin to be friends with him. you mention his daughter, he has two. I haven't the foggiest idea what they are learning from him. he has nothing left at my house. I haven't hosted an overnight guest at my house in months. he has never left anything at my house note I at his. daughters and saying each other weren't mingled, and that was a long time ago now. and I am not missing him, thinking of the good times, our any of that. i worked that out a year ago.

 

my crush? so, is everyone who has two homes married? No, he isn't married. but in contrast to before, I put the barriers up so it's not so out of balance. we do not so much as kiss or go out after dinner our any if that. he has friends 20+ years here. I get to meet his friends before I take his intentions seriously.

 

he has been attentive in respectful ways, finding books for us to read and discuss, running together, making dinner together, texting pics from home of events he is attending. he has just finished moving his parents into assisted living and managing the sale of the family home.

 

I appreciate your concern about less chaos and absolutely agree.

[IAmFCA]

lavender dove, exactly. this is exactly it. I sent a message Monday night saying not much more than, you have been engaged all this time? I wish you peace. the purpose of deactivating fb is he will look and understand that symbolizes a closed door.

 

I was trying not to waste my energy on being angry but I really felt mad when I let myself, and violated. and then I asked good and myself for forgiveness for my part in it. and then I went about letting it go.

 

my kids and I will see him and I will not speak to him. this means I will have to come up with an explanation for them. our kids play the same sport. they have never seen him as more than a happy go lucky friend. oh well. I'll figure something out.

 

thank you ld for seeing this so clearly. you are right.

[lavenderdove]

i see it clearly because something very similar happened to me! And there will be such a feeling of peace for YOU because it really is the right answer, to recognize that you deserve so much better treatment than this from him, and he needs to learn a hard lesson in life, that if something is precious to you, then you should treat it with care and respect, and if you don't, you lose the right to hold onto it!

 

I do still miss him sometimes because he meant a huge amount to me and was in my life for over 15 years before the betrayal, but i also get a secret smile ever time I do thing of him, because I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that he is regretting his choice, and deeply. His arrogance cost him ME, and he learned a hard lesson. I do know that he swanned into that marriage feeling as smug as a cat with cream, and when i found out, he was truly devastated becuase he thought he was going to have it all and misjudged me and my ability to suss out what he'd done.

 

I don't feel like I needed to learn a lesson from it, because i was honorable and treated him with love and respect all along, and if he was stupid enough to think he could do that and still keep me around, that was his mistake! So i slam dunked him, and he got what he deserved which was NOT me, and i know i did the right thing, and you will too once you've let a little time pass.

[IAmFCA]

Lavender Dove, thank you for sharing your story. 15 years! Amazing. It is unfathomable to me that anyone could be so irresponsible with someone else. Wow. Congratulations to you on your grace. Being with him way back when taught me the lessons I am using now. I didn't waste my intimacy on being angry at him, it's not about him, what's the point. I am better already.

 

My friend at work said there are five stages: Wow! Wow? Wow!! Duh. Meh.

 

Love that.

[iamstrong]

It wasn't my intention to hurt your feelings or make any suggestions of any kind OP. But I noticed something you had posted on another thread 10 days ago:

 

(1) To my nutty ex: we went for a run last week. First time we communicated responsibly in a long while. I mean, we have kept the thread going but it had just gotten so sexual, and now it seems more constructive. And then today you wrote in the morning to say you had just woken from an amazing wet dream about me. And me again on your mind by the afternoon. And we may run Thursday, though I may cancel now that I can make boot camp. I dunno. Anyway, my situation with you and all men is: if any of them said" have sex with me, I would pick you. I trust you, you are a known quantity. Yet we have no "future". Maybe I am arriving at a place where I am just simply over that future thing. No, that is not true. It is simply that I trust you. So odd to trust you and know the depth of our prior addiction to one another. At least that seems over with.

 

You said that you were over this filthy person back in February but just 10 days ago you said that you weren't over him yet.

 

And you are clearly obsessed with the wedding photo that you have found the trajectory of the husbands' eyes? That is evidence that your feelings for him run deep and far.

 

As for the crush? How long has he been in the picture? And you still have yet to meet any of his friends locally? I met my ex's friends who lived in a completely different state within the first three months. I'm sorry. I really am, but I see that 1) you are nowhere near prepared to be in any type of healthy relationship because of the feelings of the ex. 2) you appear to be in complete denial of the "crushes" other life.

 

Please consider therapy to straighten out these thoughts. I am not suggesting that you are lying to yourself, but what I am confident in is that you are in some form or fashion of denial: and it is going to prevent you from being in a healthy relationship and that makes me sad for you. I truly hope this is not an act of fate/ God/ Karma.

[notafraid]

Leave it be. Karma always has a way.

 

This is the best answer, IMO...and I have seen it with my own eyes!

[Ms Darcy]

The best thing for you I think is to continue no contact forever with him.

[IAmFCA]

Yes -- leaving it alone really is the best answer. There is nothing to do with what I regrettably know from the other side, except accept it as past and let it go.

 

Iamstrong -- thank you. Maybe you are right -- Certainly: It will take a while for the remains of the nutjob to wash out of my system, and I certainly do have a crush on someone who is sleeping with someone else and not trying to sleep with me. I think both are natural and okay. And yes, I have ADD, and a therapist, and the level of chaos in my life has been on a steady decline as I have recovered from the divorce, financial ruin, and important death that occurred in recent years.

 

Here is the longer discussion.

 

I still say I am over and have been over the ex for some time. That the wedding was a shock and the body language evident is not an indication of obsession I don't think. I didnt have to study the pic. His shoulders are rounded and head turned down despite being in military dress. He may have a bit of a smile; his body language is that he exists to serve her and knows he is doing his job well. It is consistent with who he is, regularly ignoring his needs due to early abuse and low self esteem, and resulting in the counter balance of getting his needs met in an inappropriate manner, as through his friendship with me. She is head held high and beaming. Its a clear contrast. The fact that he did not discuss the wedding with me is an enormous infraction between two people who have shared life goals, fears, and dating stories on almost a daily basis.The analogy I used that day to describe my feelings was that it was like discovering someone I've been friends with is really the opposite gender and just never told me. A shock, a deception, and a fork in the road to be created and executed upon.

 

The sense of him as a known quantity for a fling was just that, nothing more - something we never actually did. In my "private" musings in the talk to your ex thread, I didn't say I wasn't over him, only that I would choose him as an intimate partner among whom I know, despite knowing I don't want a future with him. Our intimate relationship always was a safe haven; we felt safe and vulnerable with one another in that way. This also was a statement to myself about who I know otherwise, that nobody else has achieved that level of trust and vulnerability with me and so I will not choose, at this moment, to be intimate with anyone else including my crush. (and so nobody, now)

 

I would still say I am over him, the musings about physical intimacy are not suggestive of wanting a relationship. My statement about being over the future thing - that is wrong, I still want to find someone with whom to build the next 40 years. That is a long process that will unfold as I unfold, and this guy has not been on that list for over a year now.

 

With respect to the crush, our "dating" is constrained precisely because he has someone in his home town with whom he has an intimate physical relationship, and I believe he has begun dating someone where I live as well, if casually. I require exclusivity from him, and when we first met some 6 months ago, that was more than he could offer. I know I may never get there with him.

 

Yet, he texts or calls every 1 - 3 days regardless of where he is. When he is in town, he joins my 7 am workout group. He offers books for us both to read and discuss. He sees me for an activity such as a run or a daytime meal every 1 - 2 days when he is in my town, and he comes here for 10 - 14 days at a time, every month. I know who his friends are here, and the closest of those know about me through skype. His parents know about me as well. There is a real mixed bag going on here, where I can't tell what his intentions are and he has not declared them. But he has respected my rules about backing off unless he is ready to jump in. For now, I presume he is seeing friends without a date, or with a date, and keeping me apart from that so as not be treated casually.

 

This means he is choosing to date whomever it is he is dating, over dating me. Yup, yes it does. Maybe that is because he can; maybe it is because he doesnt want to date me. Maybe he has been watching me level out and trying to decide what to do with me. I am not going to bother trying to guess. If I didn't matter at all, there wouldn't be a thread of connection.

 

You can't win if you don't play. What I am asking is substantive, and not a small decision. We met online and have no common friends. I like the slow process of getting to know him, and I understand if he is getting a faster process somewhere else. My emotions are at risk as I get to know him better. I am trying very hard to keep it balanced, and it is not easy when I spend time with him because I enjoy his company. I have ruled out certain things, like I will not go to lunch on a last minute basis, and don't you know, Thursday morning he requested lunch for Saturday. Dang it, he got around my rule, I accepted. He extended our time together last Saturday with a run, which I agreed to, and Thursday with a breakfast after the workout.

 

And yes, I have ADD. You are right, and I have a therapist whom I make little use of. I am watching a downward trend in chaos in comparison to 6 months, 12 months, 24 months ago. It is lovely. I still have a crush. And it will take me a while to let the remains of the nutjob wash out of my system. I still think both are okay.

 

Thank you for taking such an interest in my emotional welfare. It is not easy, I know.

[IAmFCA]

Ms Darcy, you told me this way back in the day and you were right from the get go. I had a path I was determined to go down, and I ended up exactly where you started.

[NorthDallas40]

I haven't read this entire thread. But with respect to this guy, it sounds like he wanted a FWB situation with you. And when you closed that door, he settled for just being an activity partner. Or - gasp! - a friend.

 

It's *possible* this friendship could evolve into something more, but most likely it a) won't, or b) will go to the FWB stage.

[IAmFCA]

I haven't read this entire thread. But with respect to this guy, it sounds like he wanted a FWB situation with you. And when you closed that door, he settled for just being an activity partner. Or - gasp! - a friend.

 

It's *possible* this friendship could evolve into something more, but most likely it a) won't, or b) will go to the FWB stage.

 

ND40, yes, this guy is an enigma. He def wanted a FWB or something similar. I tried friend zoning him, but he wont talk about dating, makes sure I know he is attracted to me, and has given me rather substantive compliments about my character and accomplishments and kids. I would like more, but I am in control only of myself, so I have to hold my ground unless my terms are met. I agree, he might never meet them. He has rather pointedly told me that he will move here in the Spring, take up a residence here rather than the hotel up the street from me where he usually stays. It may take until then and if I make it till then it will be a miracle.

 

I am definitely in a high-risk position. I doubt I will make it through the holidays without changing the status quo in some way.

[IAmFCA]

You know, with respect to my dating behavior, I move very slow. I have been dating someone for 9 months, maybe once a month or once every two, now increasing in frequency of late. Like my crush, this is someone I met on line. I know nothing about him other than what he presents. I simply refuse to go at someone else's pace now. And I recognize that means my dating partners are likely more intimately involved somewhere else.

 

It seems to trigger all the friend-zone buttons of modern social life, but I am kind of digging it. With this 9-month man, I have come to appreciate him, and we are taking a day long road trip this coming Saturday. Yay, this means we will finally have a chance to kiss properly. not just goodbye in public. Do I have a crush on him like the man I have been writing about? No. But I haven't chosen a bf, and this one just keeps growing on me slowly.

 

Isn't that what dating is?

[abitbroken]

2 dates a month is not a relationship or even dating someone. It is someone you went out with a couple times. If a guy really likes you and wants to date you and is physically and emotionally available to date, he wouldn't settle for that. He would call you and find out how your day was. He would want to see you again very soon. You are settling for guys who have you far on the back burner and they are happy just to be crushes to you. They are content to be just crushes and date many other women at the same time. Why not try dating someone for a few times within a tight period = like a couple weeks, deciding if its a go or not, then move on to someone else - or decide you want to date him and do it. 9 months of seeing a guy once a month and sort of hoping he swings back your way is very non commital on both your parts and letting him build as a fantasy in your mind in the meantime. But hey, that's me. At the stage I am at in life, I don't want to waste my time. But that's just me.

[Batya33]

I agree with abitbroken -dating someone where there is potential for the long term usually involves at least once a week of seeing each other. If there is no potential for the long term then going on a date every once in awhile can be fun.

[iamstrong]

OP: Sadly it seems that you are picking drama for drama sake. Your ex had someone else who is now his wife. The crush has a steady at home and now, seemingly, someone local to you. When do you let the two of them go? The 9 month guy sounds disinterested as well.

 

While you try and take stock in why you have this turmoil, maybe you should find a man who will love you unconditionally. Someone who, just shy of being in an Intensive Care unit picks you to call everyday just to say hello. Someone who you feel truly safe with and not just in the bedroom. Someone who treats you respectfully and with compassion and all while being unconditional. Is it possible that you had one of these types but that he just didn't fulfill your desire for drama? It's possible.

 

You say you are moving slower, but it seems the reason behind that movement is because the ex is now married, the crush has one at home and a new one near you and just not that into you without the benefit of being sexual and the 9 month guy is just sort of there. Don't you think you deserve more? Maybe you are as messed up as the ex or maybe you just are looking for the excitement of the chase: and maybe the prefect one was run over by your emotional rollercoaster. And as the last two posters suggested, you should have been seeing this guy at least once a week, otherwise history suggests that you will once again be the woman on the side.

[IAmFCA]

I agree with both approaches -- I don't think there is an approach that is more or less effective. I have also been on dates where there seemed to be potential, a few times within two weeks or so, and ended it. I do not think about the 9 month guy in between our dates. he started out as someone who was likable enough and interesting but also unassuming and I kind of thought he might just fade away. I did not suggest that -- actually I explicitly said I do not -- have a crush on him -- but anyway, what I have enjoyed about 9 month guy is the ability to get to know him slowly. He hasn't wasted my time in the slightest. If I were interested in someone else, to the exclusion of all others, than he would simply have gotten a decline from me along the way. Instead, he has been attentive to my interests and taken me to see events that I am likely to want to do, and built in time for conversation. It really has been very pleasant.

 

Over the 9 month time others have come and gone, nobody has captured my interest other than my crush.

 

I am not interested in a relationship right now that lasts for 6 months. I am interested in a relationship whenever it occurs, that lasts for 40 years. I have very limited time available to date, and have no interest in letting someone capture all of my interest unless we really think we have something special.

 

Honestly, I have a lifetime of guys wanting to see me every other day, text me in the morning, call me before bed. I love that attention. I do. They capture my time and my attention, demonstrate how much they are interested by focusing on me. The jerk about whom I started this thread was like that. My exH was like that.

 

Now, I am doing the choosing. I would rather he already have an active life, and a desire to add me to it as he gets to know me better. You dont get to have that much of my calendar (a few days a week even is more than I have anyway) until I know what you are made of. And if you are a complete stranger to me, that takes time and consistency to prove out.

[abitbroken]

But a guy should WANT to get to know you better. This guy sees you once a month. He did not ask you to be his plus one at a charity event, maybe ask you to coffee a week or two later, and then start fitting you in every other week, then decides he wants to date you. The style of gradually getting to know someone accelerates at some point - it does not stay static.

 

Most guys don't get to know you for one day a month in 9 months and then suddenly decides to know you better. A guy feels ready to meet that someone, then goes out and finds her. sure a guy might see you once and then have a busy life, and then see you again, but at some point, he pursues you and wants you more than once a month. A guy that sees you once a month and DOES NOT talk to you hardly between the next time is not interested in knowing you better. He is looking for someone to go out with so he has someone to go to "couple" things with, etc, or is dating others.

 

As far as "you doing the choosing" = you can give a guy the green light but if all he gives you is once a month, he has no interest no matter if you choose him or not, or you can take a guy who pursues you and decide to accept or not. But texting guys day at night is not choosing a man - it is leaving all and every option open so there is never a need to choose one.

 

I hate to say this = but a genuine, focused and emotionally healthy guy is not going to waste his time pursuing a woman who makes it clear she has so many "options" or sees her phone light up from texts from 12 other guys. It is okay for many guys to be interested, but she should be choosey and not continue to accept contact from a bunch of random guys she has no real interest in.

[iamstrong]

B

 

I hate to say this = but a genuine, focused and emotionally healthy guy is not going to waste his time pursuing a woman who makes it clear she has so many "options" or sees her phone light up from texts from 12 other guys. It is okay for many guys to be interested, but she should be choosey and not continue to accept contact from a bunch of random guys she has no real interest in.

 

I completely agree! Nor should an emotionally healthy woman! I truly think you need to let go of the ex, the crush and the 9 month guy. Spend time with friends and cleanse your soul. It might do a world of good and at the same time resolve the fate/ God/ Karma thing for you as well. From what you have written it sounds that you are more afraid of being lonely than to be in a healthy relationship. Dating for dating sake has its place. But if you are going to share a first real kiss tomorrow, you should be comfortable with the reason behind it. Real interest? Vindication? Knowledge that you can still get a guy?

[IAmFCA]

I do not think I am in a relationship with anyone, I might add. I am just dating. I would love to have a relationship with someone who will treat me as Iamstrong describes -- and yes, I have had that in my life and I will again. For now, I haven't found someone I value enough to let treat me that way. And Iamstrong -- no, I am moving slow now by choice. I have NO DESIRE TO BE WITH THE EX. that recurs for you in your assessment of me. Nope, been there done that, his gf was not the issue, his depression, his low self esteem, these are the issues. No, I do not want him. Re the crush - I let him go get other folks, because he said he wasnt ready to have something serious. He was right - he was still talking about his ex wife, his ex gf. He was too new to the single scene to be ready and still is. I backed the crush up rather then go at his pace and risk being on the side.

 

I am moving slow because I value what I have.

 

This thread has become, and I have let it become, an analysis of my dating behavior, which is interesting to me. But to take the last 5 years and compress them into one conclusion overlooks lots of other inputs which I have referenced obliquely. I am happy with my pace.

 

I am really not looking to create drama by being in a relationship and then back out again in a number of months. I am attracting a different profile, completely, then I did a few years ago. And I am in no rush to let them consume my social calendar, as limited as it is.

 

I grew up as a serial dater. I have no desire for that now. I can go on one or two dates and know it won't work. I do that with some frequency. 9-month guy is fun and interesting every time we go out. So, he keeps making the cut. He moves slower than I do. OK. I am in no rush anyway. I have wondered what else he has going on, but not that much, because I have a sense for it and because he hasn't put me in a vulnerable position.

 

Dating is how we get to know people with whom we might want to form a relationship. Darcy and Elizabeth (haha, I know, its literature) took ages to let one another make claims, due to questions about character and differences in timing. I know 9-month man is interested romantically and thoughtfully, I do not need to question with whom he has been on dates, because why would I? He plans ahead, always chooses a weekend evening, always drives, and always maintains a bit of communication in between. I have no interest in claiming him for mine at this point, but I am interested in continuing to learn more about him. This isn't being a woman on the side. For goodness sakes, a woman on the side for what? Has anyone ever dated more than one person at once? Or are we expected to be exclusive for two or three dates, consecutively? That feels a little high school to me. Virtually every established single adult I know is actively dating more than one person. Dating does not equal sex, in this conversation, but it equals dating -- choosing experiences to share while we get to know each other. There is no prescribed pace for that.

 

Oh, and the reference to the jerk with the LDR? No, he gave me nearly all of his time, morning call Hello beautiful! and call before going to sleep at night. He would come over after my kids went to bed to have a glass of wine and then go home, or to help solve a math problem for them and leave them very clear directions as to how it is done. He would then go dark for a period of time, usually because he was depressed, and sometimes because she would be in town. I should have left him then, for that, but that was several years ago now, but chose to stay involved against my own judgment. Now, I wont share you and I wont claim you, until I know I would like to keep you for awhile. And until I trust that when you claim me, you mean it, because I will stick like glue so you had better want me too.

 

I am surprised at the reaction to my dating pattern. The biggest risk I have noticed is that men do not always know if I am interested. So I have become more communicative. One man was actually angry that I hadn't invited him upstairs for sex on the 3rd date. I think sex is SO much better when I know you well. I can't know you well by watching you put on your best behavior three times in a week.

 

This is dating, not a relationship. If crush wanted something more, now that I have seen how seriously he addressed some of my concerns earlier (and not described here), I would trust him to mean it and give it a whirl. He is not available, and I am keeping my eyes and ears open but more suitable prospects.

 

What is wrong with that?

[iamstrong]

. He would come over after my kids went to bed to have a glass of wine and then go home, or to help solve a math problem for them and leave them very clear directions as to how it is done.

 

So you were sneaking him in and out of your house????? Oh my.

 

You continue to sound like a serial dater. A lonely one.

 

A relationship is based on mutual admiration: not "prospects". But maybe I am wrong and maybe that is how things go where you are located, but in the UK we don't serial date, mock those that we have dated and make our intentions clear.

[IAmFCA]

Oh my gosh, okay, agreed -- we are condensing a year's worth of dating here into a conversation. "Who makes it clear she has other options" -- ? Whose phone lights up -- ? That is just rude on both counts. Dates from random guys? Who does that? Who has 12 guys texting for dates? Not I. And if I did, why would I make that anyone else's business? I don't get it. I didn't describe these behaviors, nor did I describe 9-month guy as anything more than someone I am looking forward to kissing without interruption. We certainly are not in a Relationship. But its past time to share a proper kiss.

 

And I assume everyone has other options. As a matter of course. I expect them to assume the same of me. It may help to know that I am on line, so when I take a long time to observe someone's character, that is because they are otherwise strangers to me.

 

And: I am enjoying my current approach to dating. I am sure my process will continue to evolve, and it will reflect the nature of who I am and who I meet. I am being very intentional about observing how someone is managing challenges in his life.

 

As to pace -- One date a week - okay, but I have kids. It may be a lunch date, a cocktail date, and every two weeks, a full date night out. That is just how it is. Some people take a long time to open up; that's okay with me. Conversely, if you have time on your hands and women clamoring for your calendar, and you haven't yet fallen in love with me, I would expect when I am at home making dinner you are sometimes out having a cocktail with someone else. And why not? Once we get more serious, no. In the beginning -- its just social discourse. Its just dating.

 

What I get from a man who takes it slow with me is totally different from what you get. I take from it a sense of respect for the life I already built before he came along. I like that. This by the way is where my crush excels. Rather than bend my life to fit him, he has adapted his routine to fit mine. He joined (with my permission) my 7 am workout group, established a meet up routine at 630 am so that we drive there together, asks me or us to lunch two blocks from my house as a "tradition", and takes a hotel close by. Whether he is leeching my life or sharing it I will know as the story unfolds, but I sense sharing, not leeching. In the meantime, he is a positive influence who motivates many and so I am glad to have him around.

 

Dating is not a monogamous act. Monogamy is a hard fought gift. When there is no physical intimacy involved, I should think we are all well served by dating as effectively as possible, and letting people unfold at whatever pace suits them while we in turn conduct ourselves according to our own pace. When the paces differ, one must make a choice. 9-month man unfolds slowly, but he is sweet and respectful and has told me about family, work, interests outside of work, he is unfolding and it is nice. I am glad I have given myself the opportunity to get to know him better.

 

I just don't see a problem here. One doesn't have to immediately KNOW in order to ever know. One might take time to observe one's character. I respect that.

[IAmFCA]

So you were sneaking him in and out of your house????? Oh my.

 

You continue to sound like a serial dater. A lonely one.

 

A relationship is based on mutual admiration: not "prospects". But maybe I am wrong and maybe that is how things go where you are located, but in the UK we don't serial date, mock those that we have dated and make our intentions clear.

 

Sneaking? Goodness. I am not sure which of is looking for drama here? The point of coming by after the kids are in bed is because (1) that is when I become available and (2) it is not about involving the kids. Since when is that sneaking? Sheesh. I dont even understand why you said that. It isnt the slightest bit implied.

 

And, again, all points are being conflated. I broke up with that ex a year ago. It is not even relevant to now. Serial dater? So if I go on first dates and very few second ones, gee, is that drama? Is that bad? Do I need to attach the link to a recent article that adult singles interested in a relationship should be going on very many first dates and not many second ones? Prospects: I am not parsing words with you. If you meet someone on line, and you have corresponded only, what mutual admiration is there, and if there is some, has it been tested? No. Is it substantive? No. That person is nothing more than someone you might want to date. You meet up - that is a date. Maybe you try again with that person, maybe not. That is what dating is!

 

"A serial dater, a lonely one" sounds like name calling. I am not sure what nerve I hit for you Iamstrong, but honestly, I am not asking for advice about my dating behavior. I was struck by the sudden discovery of a wedding of someone i am NOT dating. I let the thread expand out of a desire to learn. Maybe I will try this:

 

I am terribly sad, and lonely, and I am dating one random man right after the other, and all of them meet my girls, and I am doing it because I need to attach to them, then break up with them, and feel the excitement of each of those pairings and decouplings. Yes, that is exactly right. Now, you may assess me as you wish.

 

In fact, there is truth to my focus on dating being a distraction-- maybe I dont have time to date at all. And that would be a drag, as it implies I will not have time until my children are in college. I am trying to find a way to make it work, and I have proven to myself it can. Not like before kids, but it can. And it has to be drama free. I just dont have the bandwidth for anything else.

[IAmFCA]

For everyone who has jumped in to discuss my dating habits:

 

(1) If I had wanted advice as to how I am dating I would have framed it differently to give you context and background

(2) I am happy with how I am approaching things, in light of who I am, what I offer, and where I am going

(3) I will gladly discuss dating theories, because I find them fascinating. But I will not judge myself or others for approaching it differently. There is no right way to date, except for the human rules of honesty and respect. How one dates is different depending on what one is hoping to accomplish.

 

This conversation evolved into a discussion of my dating habits that touched on some nerves of mine, because of assumptions made. So let me say a few things, because I like this board/blog space and I am honest and candid in this space and want to remain so.

 

My dating rules.

(1) It is always rude to flout one's dating behavior in front of someone else, girl or boy. Friends, intimate friends and the like, with whom one would discuss personal matters -- they can know about who everyone is and what one thinks about them. Otherwise, one introduces one's date to others simply by name, one chooses not to assume more or less intimacy than is apparent, and one keeps one's date to oneself, until such time as there are no other dates to present.

 

(2) Character shows under duress and over time. When an individual pursues another by professing confidence in their suitability for one another, that individual is either speaking loosely or will have had observed some trials and tribulations first.

 

(3) Sexual attraction does not equal suitability. Infatuation produces the same chemicals in the brain as love. Long term commitments require compatibility, respect, and a commitment to making it work. Passion waxes and wanes, unless by passion we mean a passionate appreciation for who the other person is and what makes that person tick.

 

Because I believe #1 2 and 3, I have no intention of offering myself to someone whose acquaintance I make on line, whose character I come to know only as he presents it to me. There is no substitute for observations over time.

 

Was I always this way? Nope, not ever. And I find I quite prefer it. It runs counter to modern dating habits of sex on the third or tenth date, forming and breaking monogamistic pairs. I intend to form none, and break none. Rather I hope to discover that we have evolved into a monogamist couple as a result of millions of little choices. We simply find we choose, over and over again, to be with each other and nobody else.

 

Little moments string together and I look back and discover our togetherness, and I look ahead and see the continuum.

 

Hence my crush, and my pace.

 

And no, this is not great for my sex life, which is now nonexistent. That's a conscious choice and okay with me. But it is consistent with my goal of finding a compelling, long term togetherness.

[potd2009]

Not sure why you are getting so much unsolicited "feedback" on your dating practices, either. I don't think there's anything wrong with your approach, and there's a lot about it that makes sense. Of course, going as slowly as you describe does risk weeding out some people who are seriously looking for a relationship and want to get there more quickly than you do, and it risks emotional entanglement with people who are fine with going very slowly because they aren't really looking for a monogamous commitment. You seem to understand both of these things perfectly well. So if those risks are okay with you - as well as the other downsides you acknowledge, like the impact on your sex life - I don't see that it's anyone else's concern. The chief upside of what you describe is that IF you find a relationship the way you describe, it will be built slowly and gradually, based on trust, knowledge, and a continuous mutual choosing of each other over time. That sounds pretty good to me.