Groom sexts on Thursday Sunday and Monday, gets married Saturday. What to do?

[IAmFCA]

There is background of dating, disgust, friendship, attraction, deceit, with this man, whom I have known for several years. If I get distracted explaining that, I will never get to the question. It is relevant to state clearly that I do not want to date him, because he is a mess. He has an LDR about which he has been conflicted for years.

 

I realize now, she was his intended and is now his wife. He sexted me, complete with anatomic picture, before and after the wedding. His schedule was, sext me Thursday, go dark Friday, get married and chat with me a bit on Saturday, compliment me and exchange yuks by message on Sunday, sext me Monday. All communication is via fb message, though we are not fb friends.

 

He had just gone running with me a week ago and made plans to run again the Thursday before the wedding and again afterwards. I had no idea they were engaged. None. The running was a chaste, early-morning, friendly meet up. We talked about work, exercise.

 

It may help to know that (1) we all are in our mid to late 40s, (2) we all have been divorced once, (3) they still seem to live 1200 miles apart, perhaps due to minors who can't move.

 

Obviously I block him and there is no further communication of any kind. Do I have any responsibility to the bride? Any? The web indicates she started shopping for wedding invites last February; he and I have had no physical contact since then. But she has no clue of his fb correspondence to me, about how he fantasizes about me every day, or sometimes, about he wishes he had made different choices, and once in the middle of the night with no explanation: I made the wrong choice! which I ignored. I thought this choice-making was about deciding to be faithful to her and eliminate his chance of dating me (which would have required leaving her). I did not suspect it was about marriage. This is all terribly sad. He knows I would never stoop to digging in the dirt, so his secrets are safe with me.

 

Should they be? I mean, I guess I could write a letter to them both and simply say, "I suggest you go to counseling together. I will not say more unless asked, but I still feel a responsibility of some kind. I regret any short-term turmoil and wish you a greater peace." I mean, I have over 3000 messages from him. They would break the heart of any woman who believes in her husband. And believe me, he makes a superlative intermittent bf. Really over the top. She really doesn't know.

 

If I say nothing, I guess he just gets away with it because I won't tell. His personal hell will be one I don't see. Walk away and trust the fates/God/karma will mete out justice as appropriate? Communicate something to somebody? I wish I knew if there were a priest involved, but I know of none. That is who I would call if i could.

 

It feels wrong to stay silent and wrong to act.

[hopelessincan]

Leave it be. Karma always has a way.

[meoww]

If I were the bride to be I would want to know. Do you and the woman have any mutual friends that could be trusted to mediate? It's so hard to say since the woman doesn't live near you. I wouldn't contact both of them at the same time! He will very likely minimize the situation at best and outright deny it at worst. I think you have to be really, really careful if you contact a woman who is planning her wedding to inform her that her fiancé is a lying cheat. Who knows what she is like emotionally, she might be really defensive or she might believe every word you say. I think if she heard it from a mutual friend she'd be much more open to what you have to say.

 

He's a scum bag and never should have put either of you in this position. I had a cheating ex who wouldn't tell me his new gf's name for the very same reason! I think he wouldn't even let her have a Facebook account. He was really paranoid about getting caught.

 

I think a lot of people are going to tell you to let it be. But I don't think they are really putting themselves in the position of the bride to be. It's really not fair to her. I don't think she should have to go through a whole expensive wedding only to figure out he is a cheater a year later or something. I really like alli's advice below, I think it sums up the situation pretty well.

[alli]

So let me get this straight. There is a guy that you used to exchange sexual messages with and exercise with sometimes. You knew he was in a long-distance relationship he was on the fence about, but you didn't know he was engaged or that he got married? How did you find out he got married anyway? Just curious. Was the wedding just recently?

 

Really, I think the wife should know but I don't think you should be the one to tell her. Besides, it sounds like you weren't totally in the right because you were exchanging sexual messages with him when you knew he was in a relationship correct? It only became a problem for you when you found out he got married?

 

In any case I think you need to make a clean break. If you tell her you will catch H-E- double hockey sticks from both of them. You could even get threats from one or both of them and you certainly don't want that. People don't like it when other people come over & pop their perfect little fake bubble.

 

The odds are that if he did this so long with you, he will probably do the same with other people if he hasn't already. As long as he isn't physically cheating on her health is not at risk. She will probably find out another way anyway, if she doesn't already have her suspicions.

[potd2009]

So you've received more than 3000 messages from this guy while he was in a relationship with another woman? And you understood that he was with this other woman but did nothing to stop communicating with him/end his inappropriate messages/let his girlfriend know that he was speaking inappropriately to another woman? It also sounds like you may have been physically intimate with him while he was involved with her ("he and I have had no physical contact since" last February, while you say that he's been in this relationship with her for years.) And you are only now interested in sharing his (and maybe your) inappropriate behavior with her now, because he married her? Why now? And do you really have her best interest solely in mind, or are you also trying to get him back for whatever part of his bad behavior you perceive to have wronged you?

[ParisPaulette]

Normally I would say just walk away and go full NC and stay out of their business, but this is so over-the-top awful for her that I can understand why you'd want to say something. I don't know, but if it was me who just married a guy like that I'd want to know. I might get mad in the beginning and whoever blew the whistle on him, but in the long run I'd probably just be madder no one spoke up before that. Although I'd want to see proof not just someone saying, "Your new husband is trying to cheat on you with me." Maybe print out the texts or email then and send it to her if you have an address or an email. You don't even have to say who you are, just that you found out they're married, it's shaken you to the core and you feel she should at least get a heads up. What she does with the information after that is up to her. He's counting on your silence, it's one of the reasons he's pursued you so heavily since he knows you won't ever say anything and he's counting on that.

 

And it kind of goes without saying that you should go total NC on this loser starting yesterday, right? Why you continued to see him even for a platonic run or so-called friendship (I say that because come on, you do know this guy isn't anyone's friend right, except maybe that of what's between his _______) after you knew he did all these things sort of leaves me speechless. This guy sounds like a walking nightmare for any woman or man unlucky enough to come into contact with him.

[meoww]

I also hope you saved that photo...that is the best proof you can possibly have.

 

He might claim he has a sex addiction or something though. Who knows how many other women he was sending those photos to.

 

Edit: I didn't see that you have saved 3000 messages from him.

[pippy longstocking]

leave it be

 

 

she will find out who he really is ..one day ...

[Kendahke]

I see no good that would come out of telling her anything at this point. Would be different if you never had a physical relationship with him or there was no "background of dating, friendship, attraction", and didn't know AT. ALL. that he was in a long distance relationship. She may look at it like you were crazy out of your mind over the fact that he married her and not you and you were lashing out in jealousy over it. That's what I would think if you waited til now to contact me. I would not consider what you are contemplating to be anything remotely looking like doing me a favor. I'd wonder why you didn't contact me before February if it was this much of a huge deal to you and right being so on your side in this. He wasn't having one-sided conversations/monologues; you had to have given him some kind of a green light for him to proceed with the tone of the sexual conversation.

 

Yeah, I'd be pissed as hell with him, but probably would bend my mind to work things out and not break my marriage at this point.

 

You BOTH are equally culpable. Leave it be.

[NorthDallas40]

Leave it be

 

b/w

 

Top 10 ENA thread title candidate

[abitbroken]

I agree that i would wonder what the heck your motive is if you didn't contact me if I was the bride before we got married.

 

Also, I think this is a good lesson for you to walk the other way the minute a guy says he is married, in an LDR, has a girlfriend "but.." its on the rocks, he is not sure, she is a shrew,etc. He could be actually very happy with her but was hoping to have a little on the side. What a loser this guy is - you can't change that - but you can change the outcome for you in the future with others.

[IAmFCA]

Everyone - great feedback! Q&A for those who wanted it:

 

There is NO question that I never should have gotten involved with this guy, but I know why I did when I did and it allowed me to force some devils out that had been lurking within since childhood. Until Monday's discovery of Saturday's wedding (!!) I thought we had arrived at an odd but reasonable coexistence for us. Granted, yes, I knew there was this woman out there, but he and I had been over that a million times. I finally decided it was his issue to wrestle with. Back when we were dating, he took me to his corporate functions, where they knew nothing of her. He took me or his daughter, never her. I knew she was out there, but did not know of his choice to become committed to her till the beginning of this year. And then during this year, after a period of NC, the conversations seemed respectful until we both let the intimate topics creep back in. And, after all that had gone on before, I felt no personal conflict. I have no man, and gave up trying to classify his LDR as something I could understand. They were not together that often, they have never lived in the same city while involved with one another, his fb reflects none of her presence, and once I was not a threat to her, nor did hers reflect his. I checked out of the whole story but stayed engaged with him, keeping our interaction limited only to fb messages.

 

And yes, the marriage photo drew a line that the LDR did not. I know lots of folks who, having reached a certain age and given up on a certain lifelong commitment, have LDRs of import but without a strict covenant between them. So the presence of someone in a far away city, once I stopped wanting him for myself, became almost irrelevant. Marriage is another matter, something I hold as magical and something that is to be respected and protected.

 

And yes, I did try to warn her, once. As I realized what she must have wanted from him, back when he had been dating me, I dumped him and sent her a very mild perhaps too mild message that said simply that I knew she is important to him, that he has been less than truthful here, and that if she is considering any life choices and has questions, to please ask. I said I would not violate his privacy but would try to address whatever concerns she might have, if any. I knew I didnt want to marry him, and it became clear to me that she did.

 

Of course, to respond would have tipped the balance of power, if one is playing a game, so she didn't respond. So my first thought today was -- well I tried to warn her once. In truth though, I feel like I have seen and unknowingly been part of a fraud, and now must out the fraud in a responsible way.

 

I agree, I can not share this. A mediator would be great. So far a web search has not revealed the officiant, but if I find one, I may send something to that person.

 

It has been so helpful to out this on ENA. Thank you!

[IAmFCA]

Oh... and to abitbroken

 

Aint it the truth! I move slow as molasses now. Have been on a number of dates with one fellow since Xmas, but only just beginning to think about a real kiss. Have a crush on a second man who seems quite attentive, but I have checked him back two steps. He splits his time between two states, and until I have full visibility into the other location, he gets what he gets from me and nothing more.

 

I have set a new lifetime record of chaste living, message behavior with the jerk excepted, and am pretty dang happy with it. And that is coming from someone who is quite libidinous.

 

My work supported by ENA has been essential to what I consider my recovery and growth.

 

Having said all that, I was slow with the jerk too, but I accepted things I knew I shouldn't, because I was drawn to him. Now, I am up in my head; there is not gut instinct about being drawn to you. You have to convince my brain. The rest is off limits.

 

It feels a lot like self-respect. Shh, I don't to want to make myself defensive about who I was before.

[Kendahke]

There is NO question that I never should have gotten involved with this guy, but I know why I did when I did and it allowed me to force some devils out that had been lurking within since childhood. Until Monday's discovery of Saturday's wedding (!!) I thought we had arrived at an odd but reasonable coexistence for us. Granted, yes, I knew there was this woman out there, but he and I had been over that a million times. I finally decided it was his issue to wrestle with. Back when we were dating, he took me to his corporate functions, where they knew nothing of her. He took me or his daughter, never her. I knew she was out there, but did not know of his choice to become committed to her till the beginning of this year.

 

9 1/2 months later, you were still sexting with him and allowing him into a place of intimacy and allowing him to let you into his place of intimacy. When you learned of this at the beginning of this year, that was when you needed to drop him off at the mall or get in touch with the woman to let her know you existed, blah blah.

 

And then during this year, after a period of NC, the conversations seemed respectful until we both let the intimate topics creep back in. And, after all that had gone on before, I felt no personal conflict. I have no man, and gave up trying to classify his LDR as something I could understand. They were not together that often, they have never lived in the same city while involved with one another, his fb reflects none of her presence, and once I was not a threat to her, nor did hers reflect his. I checked out of the whole story but stayed engaged with him, keeping our interaction limited only to fb messages.

 

 

So this "personal conflict" you now feel is because you're feeling vindictive?

 

And yes, the marriage photo drew a line that the LDR did not. I know lots of folks who, having reached a certain age and given up on a certain lifelong commitment, have LDRs of import but without a strict covenant between them. So the presence of someone in a far away city, once I stopped wanting him for myself, became almost irrelevant. Marriage is another matter, something I hold as magical and something that is to be respected and protected.

 

Commitment is commitment, despite how you want to split that hair to avoid owning your dealings in this matter.

 

And yes, I did try to warn her, once. As I realized what she must have wanted from him, back when he had been dating me, I dumped him and sent her a very mild perhaps too mild message that said simply that I knew she is important to him, that he has been less than truthful here, and that if she is considering any life choices and has questions, to please ask. I said I would not violate his privacy but would try to address whatever concerns she might have, if any. I knew I didnt want to marry him, and it became clear to me that she did.

 

but that still doesn't address that even though you sent her this "mild" message, that the fact was you were still involved with her man even if you didn't want to marry him.

 

Of course, to respond would have tipped the balance of power, if one is playing a game, so she didn't respond. So my first thought today was -- well I tried to warn her once. In truth though, I feel like I have seen and unknowingly been part of a fraud, and now must out the fraud in a responsible way.

 

Or, he played you off as some crazy woman who won't take "no" for an answer so you're lashing out. I wouldn't have responded either.

 

Would have been completely different if you didn't word your message in such a way that you didn't own what you were doing when you knew dash darn good and well he was in a relationship with her. You yourself said an LDR wasn't enough of a reason to respect her position in his life, despite how he chose to proceed at company functions.

 

And you're not doing anything responsible. You're being vindictive and your motives are suspect. Responsible would have been doing this back in January.

 

I agree, I can not share this. A mediator would be great. So far a web search has not revealed the officiant, but if I find one, I may send something to that person.

 

 

For what purpose besides being selfish and vindictive?

 

You need to just let this go and learn to open a can of "act right" in the future.

 

DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH MEN WHO ARE IN ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER PERSON!!

 

LEARN TO RESPECT PEOPLE'S RELATIONSHIPS even when they don't meet your narrow definition of what constitutes a legitimate relationship!! Try that on first before acting so pathetically as to find the person who married them... he cant' do anything about it now---they're married and it's recognized by the state. Jeez! Dramatics much?

[meoww]

I know the OP has made her decision but Kendahke, I think it's way more vindictive for her to say nothing while the other woman gets married to a man who is making a fool out of her. I'd be so ashamed and humiliated that no one told me. That happened to me before and I was so angry at the people who knew but said nothing....In her case she did warn the woman before but I think it would be the right thing to do to clue her in on the scale (3000 messages) of the betrayal.

[Kendahke]

I know the OP has made her decision but Kendahke, I think it's way more vindictive for her to say nothing while the other woman gets married to a man who is making a fool out of her. I'd be so ashamed and humiliated that no one told me. That happened to me before and I was so angry at the people who knew but said nothing....In her case she did warn the woman before but I think it would be the right thing to do to clue her in on the scale (3000 messages) of the betrayal.

 

What makes you think that she doesn't know? OP has absolultely no way of knowing what dude and his wife have discussed and agreed upon within their relationship/marriage. Assuming what you can't possibly know is called "speculating" and it doesn't stand in place of the truth. Besides, they're married, so the only thing that's going to dissolve that marriage is death or divorce.

 

OP said she's contacted her--so she went ahead in the marriage knowing this.

 

The fact remains that the time for OP to have exercised some integrity was back in January and she chose not to because she didn't feel their relationship was legitimate enough for her to respect that and step back. It's vindictive now for her to do it.

 

People who cheat always leave clues... they become overconfident to the point where they stop attending to the details.

[QWit]

Why would you want to come forward now? I kind of question your motives.. You didn't feel too bad about being the other woman when he just had a girlfriend. Now that he actually made her his wife, now you want to come clean? I sense a little hurt on your end that he showed what you really mean to him, which is a "little something on the side".. I feel you are just trying to be vindictive and selfish.. But, hey, it's your life..

[QWit]

What makes you think that she doesn't know? OP has absolultely no way of knowing what dude and his wife have discussed and agreed upon within their relationship/marriage and assuming what you can't possibly know is called "speculating" and it doesn't stand in place of the truth. Besides, they're married, so the only thing that's going to dissolve that marriage is death or divorce.

 

OP said she's contacted her--so she went ahead in the marriage knowing this.

 

The fact remains that the time for OP to have exercised some integrity was back in January. It's vindictive now for her to do it.

 

Also, let's add, that even after she made contact with the gf/wife, she continued to be in contact with him.. So, I don't think OP's actions at this point are out of genuine concern.. She just hurt that dude actually made the long distance girlfriend (which OP didn't think was too serious. Thus, why she probably didn't mind being the mistress(with a hope of becoming his actual girlfriend)) his wife.. So, in essence, the plan to break them apart (at least for right now) didn't work.. The wife probably knows what he is about.

[Me82]

I think you had plenty of time before, to talk to HIM about HIS position, if HE would decide between you and her. (not contact HER!) he is the one cheating and lying.

 

I would NEVER maintain ANY kind of relationship with a man that has ANY kind if relationship with other women.

What do you expect from a man that can't assume his gf on fb anyway?

Obvious he is hiding something.

[IAmFCA]

OK everyone -- I wrote two messages to help clarify history a bit, and both were dumped off my phone before I hit the Post button, and I have now lost a bit of my focus. I hope I convey this effectively. So, let me state very very clearly, I have no vindictive feelings towards him. None. Long ago, I had very strong feelings towards him and it would seem, he towards me. Something like addiction that felt like love, and I had to unwind alot of layers within myself, accept that he is who he is, and make my own choices. Now, to be angry at him for marrying her would be silly, I don't want him and I have not made a suggestion that we try again because I know I would dump him again. There is no part of me that wants him as my bf, that is unhappy that he has chosen someone for himself, none of that. Rather, I have come to see him as a predator, if not physically, then in other ways.

 

Why now? Because now, the information is known. Before this wedding pic was posted on her site, there was no, none, zero suggestion from him that he was wedding bound. I went back through our messages, and there is ample discussion that is contrary to marriage. He talked to me about his ambivalence about being with anyone because his own life is in such disarray. He talked to me about making permanent investments in our city. I questioned him that he might lose her once she sees that he has no intention of living near her, or preparing for her to come here. He gave no inkling of their planned union. He talked to me about his depression, about how it overlaps with his relationship with her, about childhood pains and about being at war. He described their relationship - I think was in June or July - as an exchange: he could be distant for 1 -2 weeks at a time, and in exchange, he was required to be a figurehead of a bf who showed up from time to time. Sometimes he explicitly said he chose the wrong woman, and he would say it with such anguish and now I see that is because he had already committed himself.

 

In the beginning of when we began dating, she seemed like an old friend and occasional FWB, nothing more. Once I could see how clearly she wanted more from him, and that he did not put her off completely, I got out from him and messaged her. After some periods of us having NC and LC, he said she deserved from him that he would try. But always he was conflicted. Or at least, that is the side that he conveyed to me.

 

So, for those who will judge me for being involved with him, even by message only, that is within your rights. But it isn't helpful. (1) My other post already explains that I have changed my own behavior. I changed it to bring more positive energy into my life. I would have been better to not have continued our connection because his character is so deeply flawed, but not because of her presence, not based on what I knew of it. (2) Everyone has somebody somewhere. There was a time when I encouraged him in her direction. As I saw that he was emotionally stuck, too afraid to implement what he described, I accepted him for that. I trusted him to protect whatever boundaries were required of his relationship with her. Their relationship had been casual at one point, as was made plain by her posts on fb; his representation of it as it grew was never anywhere close to being serious about her, even if he pledged sexual exclusivity. (3) We shared significant non-sexual connections which supported one another through various onslaughts, trials and goals. In that context, especially with the pressure of a relationship off the table, I did not expect this level of duality from him. I expected that he would stay attached to her from a distance for some years, never all the way in and never all the way out. And maybe that is how their marriage will be.

 

Wth respect to her knowing: no, I know she doesn't know. I have seen her behavior shift, from when she knew he was involved with me and when she knew he wasn't. She uses fb as a podium for public speaking. Once he was safe, she stopped referring to him altogether, as if he disappeared. She no longer needed to make a display.

 

Having said all of that, I will not approach her. Look at how clearly my motives are in question, certainly she would question them. And, just by communicating, I am hurting her, which I very much do not want to do. She was so dang happy to walk down the aisle on his elbow, he looking at the ground. I do wish there were someone in a position of wisdom and trust who could bear this burden for me, so that if even more decisions are being made that person can look out for her. Get him into deep therapy, I dont know. He has made a choice - unbeknownst to me - and he has been writing to me in violation of that choice and sometimes in outright explicit regret.

 

I felt violated by his familiarity with me on false pretenses. My problem. I feel like he enetered into marriage with her under false pretenses, her problem. I am watching a train wreck.

 

Without clergy or another trusted yoda-type available, the most I can do is change the channel.

[Batya33]

" Granted, yes, I knew there was this woman out there"

 

What I would have done in that situation is ended contact unless it was clear that she knew all about me and that there were plans for all of us to meet and socialize -or, if it was long distance, that the girlfriend was also interested in meeting at some future point. If that wasn't the case I would have cut off all contact unless things changed.

[Me82]

I still think ruining his/her life now won't do any good to anyone involved.

Move on graciously, focus on your life, with a fresh start.

Just never ever contact him again, or, return any kind of contact.

IMO is the best thing you can do right now.

It's their problem to fix things, it's their life now.

[IAmFCA]

Me82 -- I have many rich friendships with people of both genders. ANY relationship, by your recommendation, would eliminate those. None of them are sexual, and some have lasted decades.

 

My relationship with him, at one point, had been very intimate emotionally and physically. When we recently went for a morning run, we had no sexual banter, nothing untoward, a chaste hug hello and goodbye, no flirtation whatsoever. Ours had seemed to evolve to a healthy firendship with a side of harmless fantasy, which in the context of my social situation and what I thought was his social situation, was within bounds.

 

We could have lots and lots of discussion about how one conducts oneself intimately, but I would suggest that be on a different thread. In this instance, I simply felt that I watched a marriage go down without warning and under false pretenses, and it felt wrong to see that and not have done anything about it.

 

The conversation that is evolving about social and sexual mores is rich and one that has been unresolved for decades. In the end, I am ending up WAY off the market, with a very very narrow filter for whom I would date. When I entered into the relationship I wrote about here, I was wounded, deeply damaged and vulnerable, and naive. I was utterly unaware and ill-prepared to be my own best advocate.

 

Thank goodness I have learned much, if the hard way.

 

I am very careful not to judge people around these issues. It is but a single lens. Personal relationships are harsh judges of character, getting at the very fundamental parts of us leftover from when we were five. If we haven't resolved them before, then we will surely confront them now. We might be brilliant industry leaders. MLK Jr was broadly known for his marital infidelity. But he contributed so much. We strive, and we fall short.

 

Thank goodness for ENA so we can improve along the way.

[IAmFCA]

Agreed - just turn the page. I deactivated my fb. He will not use other means, except perhaps I will receive a handwritten letter, at some point, of explanation, apology and respect for me. Whatever. It is the anguish of a damaged soul.

 

Back then, I did cut it off with him, but I lacked the strength to make it stick. The gift of this experience is teh strength and wisdom I gained from it.

 

I now believe that we choose our partners as much for their weaknesses as their strengths. I certainly chose him for both, and gained some extraordinary joys and deep deep pains. He made an incredible bf for two weeks at a time, the best lover ever by far, and is an excellent teacher and coach. He has a purple heart, a bronze star, the whole bit from being in Iraq three times. He is a triathlete and a helicopter pilot, and an involved father to his girls. He also is a liar, a coward, a manipulator, and a sneak. He is a transgressor, a user, and his life now is on a downward trajectory as a result.

 

It is very sad.

[iamstrong]

It seems that you want vindication and revenge first of all. Contacting him and his wife is a sad attempt to engage with him again and again. It would seem that he could talk you into bed "for old times sake" and you would agree with it immediately. You need to get rid of the 3000 messages and you need to do it now! Anything that he might have left at your residence needs to be thrown away: not into a waste basket but taken to a dumpster and left. Anyone can discontinue a facebook page and then reactivate it at a moments notice. Likewise, you would need to block him on your cell phone to prevent future sext messages, it is only a matter of time before he sends more. He probaby will write to you and you will probably read it and reminise about all the good times and end up in bed. If you weren't an adulteress befoire, you will be now. It appears that he owns you and in a way, you enjoy the sexual banter, the companionship and the teasing. Gratefully, his daughter is the only kid involved, but what type of lesson is she learning from you?

 

Regarding your "crush". He is married. No question. He is in a different state. He visits occasionally. He probably calls at different times during his day and either spends all his time in town with you or very limited time: there is no normalcy. These are all red flags! Not all married couples wear wedding rings anymore, so that would be a poor indicator. You say that he is quite attentive. I am sure the newly married LDR wife was quite attentive as well as was her husband! He probably had a regular pattern of when he comes to town and that will change as soon as his wife suspects he is cheating on her. You would be well off to write this guy off as well. You simply are exchanging scum for scum. Neither man is more than weak and fancy themselves as players. They really are no different than you are OP.

 

In a different thread you talk of getting a "lab rat". What kind of person are you? To use a man for your sexual needs and then knowing full well that he will be kicked to the curb. My suggestion to you is to STOP DATING ALL TOGETHER for a while and seek professional help. Everything you have said suggests some type of ADHD or ADD. You live for the drama and enjoy the conflicts it creates. Find yourself, then find a man who will treat you as you treat him. I say this because the newly married ex treated you one way and now you are going to turn around and treat someone the exact same way???? What is wrong with you! Someday, you might find a guy who wants to take care of you and treat you with respect and admiration: what happens then? I would suggest you would use that guy and then toss him away like 3000 messages. Not everything needs to be sexual. In fact, I wold suggest you keep your legs crossed for a long long time.

 

When you talked about fate/ God/ Karma, maybe you should consider that fate/ God/ Karma is paying YOU back! All three are not exclusive to one person. The husband will get his as well, but you might want to reflect on your sexual needs, the way you treat men and people in general and work on correcting any wrongs you might have created. But I doubt you will because just like the husband, you are only looking out for yourself and that makes you NO better than that person. And that person isn't a very nice human being. Think about who you have screwed over: emotionally, physically or mentally and make those corrections ASAP! Fate/ God/ Karma has a way of sticking around for a while.