Can't see past the anger anymore...

[Blue Spiral]

Oh, and on this. link removed

 

I was too lazy to respond to that part. But there's more:

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

And, not directly relevant, but it should make for fun reading:

 

link removed

[penelope13]

Everybody has the right to be happy in their own way. If you are happy with your situation, who am I to tell you to do something different?

 

However, if you are not happy with your current situation, you will not magically become happy all of a sudden by continuing to do the same thing again and again.

 

As far as I understand, OP is very unhappy with his life. Thus if he wants to obtain a different result, he needs to change SOMETHING. Either his outlook, or the way he is trying to reach his goals.

 

Blue Spiral (I don't really want to get into a lengthy discussion with you, because this is not your thread) you seem to misunderstand the intention of a lot of posters, myself included. I have never said that there is only one way to become happy and unless OP follows it he will not succeed. I don't believe in telling people what to do, but helping them to accomplish what THEY want to do. I understand that he (unlike you) would like to have a relationship, but has not been very successful with his MO.

 

Relationships by the very nature of their definition include more than one person. If one has a personality that doesn't fall within 'majority of personalities' the numbers game simply becomes even more challenging. There are a number of different possibilities to try to lesson the burden of the numbers game. Sitting at home playing video games is a possible strategy and if it makes you happy - fair enough. However, it is a strategy that is decreasing the likelihood of you finding someone like minded and suitable to your preferences.

 

This is really not a question of fault, but if OP wants to attract a certain type of person and a certain type of personality, he should try to be more attractive to that type of person (and that is what most posters are trying to help OP accomplish). By insisting to project a personality that most people are not attracted to (for whatever reasons) OP is just making his own life more difficult than it needs to be.

 

Thus I really don't understand your motivation Blue Sprial, to tell OP to not do anything different when he clearly states that he is unhappy with how things are.

[Wonderstruck]

In fact, I've used my experience to help (and hopefully entertain) other people on this board, instead of soliciting other people endlessly for advice I never take.

 

NAILED IT. I will never understand the point of this.

 

I've had fun, I've made friends, I've had great times, I got laid, I've helped others… and it's mostly because I've worked to improve myself since my ex dumped me, rather than complaining about why the women of the world don't realize what an amazing person I am.

 

This made me laugh. It's so accurate.

 

All of your posts in this thread have been on-point, NorthDallas.

 

Y'all have WAY too much time on your hands.

 

We could have saved 15 pages and said:

 

Get a new haircut, from a proper salon, that suits your face shape.

Grow a little stubble if you can.

Buy some well-fitted, neutrally-coloured, typically masculine clothes.

 

Have you been paying attention to ANYTHING that's been happening in this thread? Matt has rejected literally EVERY SINGLE piece of advice that's been given to him so far. Do you honestly believe that he would listen to this one superficial piece of advice about changing the way he looks?

 

He's already stated numerous times that there's supposedly "nothing he can do" to change his appearance. He's also stated that he doesn't really have any interest in changing his appearance, as he's generally content with the way he looks.

 

So, no, offering that particular piece of advice wouldn't have magically solved the problem. It doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.

[Blue Spiral]

Thus I really don't understand your motivation Blue Sprial, to tell OP to not do anything different when he clearly states that he is unhappy with how things are.

 

What he's doing and who he is are two very different things. I absolutely think he should change what he's doing; I don't think he should change who he is. I base this on the fact that I'm a lot happier when I'm who I want to be, as opposed to being who others want me to be (to use your words, "trying to be more attractive"). I think he should abandon the conventional relationship process, either temporarily or for good, because the conventional approach isn't working for him, and doesn't work for everyone.

 

MattW, I went through the same stage of "ask for help, only to get baffled at the advice I'm given". People accused me of not listening, but I just didn't think the advice was logical. Stop asking for advice and start doing what you want.

[penelope13]

What he's doing and who he is are two very different things. I absolutely think he should change what he's doing; I don't think he should change who he is

 

 

I'm not exactly sure where I (or anyone else) asked him to become a different person and change who he is...

 

Actually if you are trying to reach a goal and you are willing to do what is necessary (including changing up a few things, learning new behaviors etc) to reach that goal - you are not becoming what 'others forced you into', but you are becoming who you need to be to reach YOUR goals.

 

But I guess there is no point arguing about this. We could argue for centuries what the differences may be between "who you are" and "how you present yourself" and what it means to "make differences in the way you comport/present yourself when interacting with other people".

 

Do what makes you happy.

 

If you are happy with the way you are then who can argue with that?

[Batya33]

Actually if you are trying to reach a goal and you are willing to do what is necessary (including changing up a few things, learning new behaviors etc) to reach that goal - you are not becoming what 'others forced you into', but you are becoming who you need to be to reach YOUR goals.

 

But I guess there is no point arguing about this.

 

Do what makes you happy.

 

If you are happy with the way you are then who can argue with that?

 

I don't think the OP is happy with the way he is but I do think he is happier making endless excuses than he is at the prospect of going cold turkey on the excuses, taking an honest look inward, and then taking positive action.

[MattW]

While OP was sitting around feeling sorry for himself, I dated 25 women since my ex dumped me about a year ago. And most of the dates were fun, even if they didn't lead to anything further. At worst, they were great practice for when I meet the right woman.

 

Then out of those, I rejected about half of them myself, many of them really great & attractive women. OP didn't even have that opportunity.

 

Finally, I dated two of those girls for 5 weeks apiece, having sex and all the good times that go with a relationship. Again, OP never got to that point.

 

Eh. In fairness, I haven't been "doing nothing". I've been trying for over a year now to reach out to people to develop some semblance of a social life, and I've been unsuccessful. Being that I can't get a social life going, that makes it difficult to get out and meet girls, so I've been attempting online dating. Apparently you've missed it, but I've already attempted to contact over 100 girls online; I wasn't that into any of them, but they generally seemed okay, and I figured "Why not?". Not a single date materialized out of any of that.

 

So yes, I've been "trying", in a way that makes sense for me, and I've been going at it full force for the last 12+ months (and that's not even counting the lesser efforts, but still efforts nonetheless, that I've made over the last 6-7 years to do either of these things). Okay, so you "tried" for the last year and dated 25 women, had sex, had fun, etc. Good for you. I've "tried" for the last year, and I've gotten nothing. Again, maybe I "tried" in a different way than you did, but I still "tried".

 

This is really not a question of fault, but if OP wants to attract a certain type of person and a certain type of personality, he should try to be more attractive to that type of person (and that is what most posters are trying to help OP accomplish). By insisting to project a personality that most people are not attracted to (for whatever reasons) OP is just making his own life more difficult than it needs to be.

 

How am I projecting a personality that people aren't attracted to, though? I'm doing the best I can, with my personality. I've been trying to display my personality in the most attractive way I can. I know you guys clearly don't believe it when I say I'm not as cynical and sour and depressive offline around people as I am on here, but I'm really not. I just don't know WHY I'm not "attractive". I mean, again, I know I'm not physically attractive, and that's a complete lost cause, but I don't understand why my personality just isn't enough to make me an attractive person.

 

So I don't know how to "be more attractive to that type of person", either. I don't even know what "that type of person" even wants, apparently. Not to mention, you guys keep saying "attraction isn't logical" and that there's no rhyme or reason to it, so what does that even mean? How can I "make myself more attractive to that type of person" when there's no solid way to even do that? All of what you guys say tends to boil down to "Work on yourself and be the best person you can be", and that's great, but I feel like for where I am in my life right now, I'm about as good as I can be. Aside from the social issues and "love life" issues.

 

I think he should abandon the conventional relationship process, either temporarily or for good, because the conventional approach isn't working for him, and doesn't work for everyone.

 

Yanno, I've gone through periods occasionally where I try to force myself to abandon that, and accept that my only option is something less conventional. But deep down, I just can't convince myself that I can be okay with something "less conventional". Deep down, "conventional" is exactly what I want. I understand what you're saying, and I wish I could train myself off of it, but I just can't remove that desire for conventional dating/ relationships.

 

Perhaps an actual hands-on experience would help move me along, and if she would stop canceling on me every time we agree to meet up, I plan to try out a FWB scenario with the woman I met online a couple months ago. I'm losing faith that anything will actually come of that, though.

 

I don't think the OP is happy with the way he is but I do think he is happier making endless excuses than he is at the prospect of going cold turkey on the excuses, taking an honest look inward, and then taking positive action.

 

Look, it's like I said. Internally, I have two opposing forces working against each other. One wants to keep chasing after what I REALLY want, and also wants to change and be a better person, and all of that. The other force, though, has given up, and because that force has no hope and already believes it's a lost cause and that I'm doomed to be forever alone, it's stubborn and insistent on staying in the same spot.

 

Again, those two forces have been colliding for years now, and that's where my problem really lies. I just can't settle this internal conflict, and thus, I can't be happy, because one side of me wants something, but the other believes so strongly that I can't have it, that it refuses to pursue anything.

 

I believe that if I could resolve this inner conflict and allow one of those two forces to just "win out" and take over 100%, that I could finally be at peace one way or the other. But I just don't know how to end the conflict. I don't know how to give one side the "victory". At this point, that's all I want, is to end it all, for good.

[penelope13]

Go see a doctor and see if there is something like depression going on. medication and/or therapy can do wonders for some people and what you think is 'being stuck' can be due to that!

 

 

--

 

 

Your negativity is shining through in every thread, that for me alone is a negative personality. Not that you might be potentially suffering from depression, but that you are actively choosing not to give therapy even a try. It's one thing to find out that something is not working for you, but an entirely other thing to not even try at all. And sorry for saying that, I simply don't believe that you are an entirely different person here than in real life. Why would you do that? Here nobody knows you and people take out time trying to help you. Why would you return their efforts by choosing to only show your negative side?

 

Someone who is not able to stop himself coming up with excuses all the time, doesn't display an attractive personality.

 

Someone who is constantly complaining about life and the world being unfair, but not actively doing anything to make changes in his/her own life, for the people around them, or even on a larger scale - all not behaviors that I find attractive.

 

Considering the nature of this forum, you haven't really chosen to show your empathic side, although so many people would appreciate it.

 

Someone who can't see the good in other people, or doesn't display any kind of gratitude, even for small things, is not someone I would be attracted to.

 

- None of the things I have listed have anything to do with looks, your voice, your style of dressing, your profession, money status, nor your relationship history.

- None of the things I talked about you couldn't change if you wanted to.

 

I seem to remember that you play computer games? try out the following sites:

 

a) lumosity - this is a site designed to train your general brain activity by playing games. If you consistently use the site, you should experience that over time you will begin to improve on each game, i.e. that you are scoring higher with more training.

 

Thus the site can demonstrate very easily how the brain is able being trained to do new things, it just requires the dedication to put in the time and effort to train.

 

With behavior it's the same - you can train a new activity. The choice which one to employ is still up to you (just saying, if a therapist could teach you new coping mechanisms the choice is still yours which one you want to practice, i.e. it's very far away from 'you having to be someone you don't want to be').

 

 

b) moodgym - this is a website designed to help people deal with depression (regardless of what the cause of the depression may be). It's not meant as a replacement to therapy, but it's quite useful to many people who struggle with negative emotions

[Blue Spiral]

Yanno, I've gone through periods occasionally where I try to force myself to abandon that, and accept that my only option is something less conventional. But deep down, I just can't convince myself that I can be okay with something "less conventional". Deep down, "conventional" is exactly what I want. I understand what you're saying, and I wish I could train myself off of it, but I just can't remove that desire for conventional dating/ relationships.

 

That's fair enough.

 

Please don't think I'm playing the older-and-wiser card on you, but, I would have said the same thing, when I was 24. You may continue to want something conventional, and you may change. Either way, good luck. And don't let anyone convince you that your questions and concerns aren't valid, or that they need to be repressed or abandoned. If you get through this, you're going to do it by thinking, not by pretending to be happy.

[Batya33]

"Look, it's like I said. Internally, I have two opposing forces working against each other. One wants to keep chasing after what I REALLY want, and also wants to change and be a better person, and all of that. The other force, though, has given up, and because that force has no hope and already believes it's a lost cause and that I'm doomed to be forever alone, it's stubborn and insistent on staying in the same spot.

 

Again, those two forces have been colliding for years now, and that's where my problem really lies. I just can't settle this internal conflict, and thus, I can't be happy, because one side of me wants something, but the other believes so strongly that I can't have it, that it refuses to pursue anything.

 

I believe that if I could resolve this inner conflict and allow one of those two forces to just "win out" and take over 100%, that I could finally be at peace one way or the other. But I just don't know how to end the conflict. I don't know how to give one side the "victory". At this point, that's all I want, is to end it all, for good."

 

The problem isn't "the forces" the problem is your mindset that it is not within your control to choose a path to follow -that somehow you are the passive onlooker of this internal conflict. If you really want what you say, you'll change your mindset (with help if needed) and choose a path to follow (with help if needed).

[MattW]

And sorry for saying that, I simply don't believe that you are an entirely different person here than in real life. Why would you do that? Here nobody knows you and people take out time trying to help you. Why would you return their efforts by choosing to only show your negative side?

 

Well, because I can. "Online" has a certain level of anonymity. Not to mention, there's always someone willing to listen and chime in any time I make a topic. And even if that were to stop, I could simply find another forum to post at, and I could continue being some faceless guy with issues posting on a support forum. I don't have that liberty in real life, because I don't want to discuss my personal issues with people I actually know. Partially because I don't think I know anyone that would want to listen, anyway, and partially because I know my issues would be too much for them to handle. At least on here, you guys have "seen it all", and there's more people that can at least semi-relate to my problems.

 

And again, I don't purposely try to rebuff anyone's efforts, it's just... I feel like you guys are the only people I have to "reach out" to. The part of me that WANTS to be be better is the part that constantly reaches out, but the part that's already given up always shuts that down. It's not something I do on purpose, and I feel completely powerless to stop these two sides of me from colliding. I know the answer here is that I'm not, in fact, "powerless", but that's not what I'm saying; I'm saying I feel like I am.

 

Someone who is constantly complaining about life and the world being unfair, but not actively doing anything to make changes in his/her own life, for the people around them, or even on a larger scale - all not behaviors that I find attractive.

 

Yeah, but again, I don't "complain about my life" to people offline. Again, I try to avoid talking about my issues to people offline.

 

Considering the nature of this forum, you haven't really chosen to show your empathic side, although so many people would appreciate it.

 

Well, again, I feel like people that post here are typically looking for actual advice, and input, and what can someone like me actually contribute to these people? I'm not saying they're not WORTH my time, I'm just saying that I don't feel like there's anything I could possibly say to them that would actually help them in any kind of conceivable way. You can be empathetic and supportive to people offline differently than you can online. Offline, people aren't expecting anyone to give them answers, they're often just looking for someone that will listen to them, and whether you believe it or not, I try to be that person as much as I can. I DO care about people and I DO try to be supportive and empathetic to them. But the dynamic is completely different offline than it is on an online support forum where people come looking for advice. I'm one of the least qualified people to advise anyone on anything.

 

Someone who can't see the good in other people, or doesn't display any kind of gratitude, even for small things, is not someone I would be attracted to.

 

You make a lot of assumptions, and I wonder what, exactly, you base them all on. I get the whole "not taking peoples' advice", but again, that's not personal, that's just part of my inner conflict; beyond that, what makes you believe I have no gratitude towards people? That's silly, and not true at all.

 

The problem isn't "the forces" the problem is your mindset that it is not within your control to choose a path to follow -that somehow you are the passive onlooker of this internal conflict. If you really want what you say, you'll change your mindset (with help if needed) and choose a path to follow (with help if needed).

 

Perhaps, but like I said, I know I'm not ACTUALLY "powerless" to fight back against my internal conflict, but I feel that way, and I just don't know how to change how I feel, in that regard. One side of me is miserable and WANTS to become better, but the other side has completely given up and stubbornly refuses to budge. I just don't know how to fight that. I know I want to, but I just... don't know how. I can't get myself to do that, and I hope you guys believe me when I say that that may be what really makes me angry. At the end of the day, I'm most angry with myself.

[NorthDallas40]

what makes you believe I have no gratitude towards people?

 

You've been given tremendous amount of advice - and attention - in this thread.

 

How often have you said "thank you?"

 

I haven't counted, but I'd be willing to bet that the amount of feedback you've received far outstrips your expressions of gratitude for it.

 

Make of that what you will.

[MattW]

You've been given tremendous amount of advice - and attention - in this thread.

 

How often have you said "thank you?"

 

I haven't counted, but I'd be willing to bet that the amount of feedback you've received far outstrips your expressions of gratitude for it.

 

Make of that what you will.

 

Okay, I will concede that you're right about that, and as such, I apologize to everyone for not having done so. I do appreciate everyone's input and I'm grateful to have people respond, and continue to respond to my topics, I really am. It just sort of gets lost in the heat of our discussions, and again, I do apologize for that.

[Batya33]

"Perhaps, but like I said, I know I'm not ACTUALLY "powerless" to fight back against my internal conflict, but I feel that way, and I just don't know how to change how I feel, in that regard. One side of me is miserable and WANTS to become better, but the other side has completely given up and stubbornly refuses to budge. I just don't know how to fight that. I know I want to, but I just... don't know how. I can't get myself to do that, and I hope you guys believe me when I say that that may be what really makes me angry. At the end of the day, I'm most angry with myself."

 

To repeat I know you feel that way. People feel lots of things. People can make choices about how to react to how they're feeling. Your reaction is to claim you "don't know" but as you do know, that's not true in the least. You are choosing not to know (or to tell yourself you don't know perhaps). You can make a different choice. I'm sorry you're angry with yourself. Anger can be used to trigger productive and positive action (the civil rights movement comes to mind by way of one of many examples, but that's a digression -please don't use it as another excuse to do nothing). You remind me of the play Waiting for Godot.

[penelope13]

Did you actually check out those sites that I told you about?

[MattW]

To repeat I know you feel that way. People feel lots of things. People can make choices about how to react to how they're feeling. Your reaction is to claim you "don't know" but as you do know, that's not true in the least. You are choosing not to know (or to tell yourself you don't know perhaps). You can make a different choice. I'm sorry you're angry with yourself. Anger can be used to trigger productive and positive action

 

I know, it's just... Well, it feels like an anchor pulling me down that I just can't detach myself from.

 

Did you actually check out those sites that I told you about?

 

Between work, school, and interning, I haven't really had a chance to sit down and look them over, yet. I intend to, I just haven't had free time to really focus on them.

[allcity]

Newsflash! Your life is NEVER going to change, your anger is NEVER going to go away and you're NEVER going to have the life you want!

 

That is unless you stop making excuses and start taking action.

 

I've said it here at ENA before - happiness is a choice! People believe that they're the victim of their own sadness, self-pity, depression or what-have-you. But that's a total illusion.

 

Your mind and thoughts are your mind and your thoughts, so you can change them. It's not easy but your mind is as much under your control as your arms and legs, if you choose to take the reigns and exercise some control.

 

You've spent two weeks and seventeen pages of your time in this thread. How much of that time have you spent actively investigating ways to get better and/or working hard on your emotions and self-control? You say you haven't had time to read the links people have kindly provided for you. BS! You haven't made the time to read them. And then you complain that you're still unhappy. Where's the sense in that?!

 

If you'd spent as much time browsing and reading those websites as you have spent posting here, then you might have got somewhere. So don't give us the "I haven't had time" baloney!

 

Feeling depressed, unhappy, powerless, angry etc are all incredibly damaging emotions. And they can all be done away with if you decide to take charge of your life and start seeking help and/or working on yourself.

 

Asking for help at ENA is a good first step. And venting your frustrations anonymously here can also be a good thing. But once you cross the line from simply blowing off steam to actively wallowing in and perpetuating your own sadness, you put your negative emotions first and you sink deeper into your unhappiness.

 

What you need to do is wake up tomorrow and decide that you're not going to be sad and angry anymore. Then you need to take active steps to help yourself, whether it be reading self-help books/websites, making an appointment with a therapist, or whatever else has been suggested here that you managed to come up with 'reasons' that you can't/won't do.

 

Re-read the first line of this post and ask yourself if that's the life you want for yourself. If it isn't, then you need to start actively changing things RIGHT NOW! And the first step is to stop debating the hows, whys and what-ifs of trying to change and just START trying to change. The alternative is that tomorrow and the day after and the day after that will always be the same for you.

 

I know this post seems harsh, but it had to be said. I've known too many people that have been depressed for years and actively fought advice and change, instead of manning-up and just trying to change.

 

And where did it get them? Nowhere! Their life is ticking away, one sad day at a time, while they envy and hate all the 'happy' and 'successful' people in the world, instead of realising that maybe those people knew exactly how it felt to be sad, angry and hopeless, and maybe one day they just decided to change their lives for the better.

 

Your life is in your control. So if you're sad, angry and hopeless, then what are YOU going to do about it?

[Batya33]

I know, it's just... Well, it feels like an anchor pulling me down that I just can't detach myself from.

 

 

 

Between work, school, and interning, I haven't really had a chance to sit down and look them over, yet. I intend to, I just haven't had free time to really focus on them.

 

 

Yes, you've mentioned how you feel many times, and used your feelings as an excuse many times.

[MattW]

I know, I know, it's just so hard to break the cycle when "the cycle" is all you know. I've pretty much spent my entire life in this cycle. As much as I hate it, it's the only thing that makes sense to me, it's the only thing I know how to do. It's all I know. It's not like I used to be "normal", but went through a rough patch and now have to get back to being "normal"; I was just never "normal" to begin with. I was always like this, stuck in this cycle.

 

Believe it or not, there have been several instances where I would try to change my way of thinking, I'd start the day by telling myself "Okay, today's going to be great, think happy thoughts, make today the best you can make it! Start being happy to just be alive, just love life!", and that bravado would work for maybe a day or two at most, but some event (or series of events) would always inevitably derail me, and I'd lose sight of that line of thinking. That's part of the reason I question therapy, self-help books/ sites, and all this stuff, because if I can't even commit to forcing myself to think happy positive thoughts and all that, why should I think anything else will work? Yeah, I get that I "can" change the way I think and feel, but clearly I'm not so good at actually being able to do that.

[penelope13]

maybe you can't do it by yourself because you don't have the knowledge. why not consult/ listen to people who may have a bit more knowledge/ professional training than you with these things?

[penelope13]

and where is the sense/logic in continuing the same thing that makes you unhappy??

[Batya33]

and where is the sense/logic in continuing the same thing that makes you unhappy??

 

I think the current answer/excuse he has for that is "but it's so hard". Matt- that's why you follow Penelope's (and many other people's suggestions) that you seek out resources to lessen the burden a bit. I personally have very limited patience for "but it's so hard' in these types of situations especially the "it's because it's the way I've always done things" coupled with "I can't help it". Guess what -for most people - it is extremely hard to attain goals. Perhaps you see people who find spouses very easily -let's just say that's true for those people. I bet it's not for most of them but assuming it is - do you really honestly think that everything worth having in their lives came easy to them? (and of course you're assuming that they did no internal work for the years before you knew them personally -that's probably not true either). If you just met me and found out just the basic details of what I do know, my marital status, how long I've been married ,my family - you'd probably have no idea what it took for me to get there - I could make it look very easy too if I wanted to - and of course you'd assume I was at least 10 years younger than I am (I'm 47) which everyone does -so you wouldn't guess that I got married so much later in life than those who had it "so easy".

 

Get the "but it's so hard" junk out of your vocabulary - out, cold turkey. I don't even let my 4-year old say that about things I know he can do (and you know you can do this, you just bury yourself in excuses). And lose the "I tried to tell myself to be happy and it only lasted for a day". Sure, maybe you thought that was the way and it's better than nothing of course but it didn't work - no big surprise there and no big deal. It does tell me that you're a great candidate for someone with professional expertise giving you cognitive strategies that might work -if you're willing to lose the "but it's so hard". Are you?

[Wonderstruck]

Between work, school, and interning, I haven't really had a chance to sit down and look them over, yet. I intend to, I just haven't had free time to really focus on them.

 

Are you kidding? You have more than enough time to repeatedly log into a relationship forum, read people's posts, and write long-winded rationalizations for why it's impossible for you to change, but you "haven't had the time" to check out a couple of internet links?!

 

Your excuses for why you haven't done something, or tried something, are getting weaker and flimsier by the day. You have ABSOLUTELY had MORE THAN ENOUGH time to check out those internet links, read the articles and absorb the content. You're just too lazy and stubborn to do it.

 

There is NO WAY that your life is so jam-packed that you haven't had the time, not when you have the time to keep logging in here, read people's posts and write long, detailed responses to them.

 

Believe it or not, there have been several instances where I would try to change my way of thinking, I'd start the day by telling myself "Okay, today's going to be great, think happy thoughts, make today the best you can make it! Start being happy to just be alive, just love life!", and that bravado would work for maybe a day or two at most, but some event (or series of events) would always inevitably derail me, and I'd lose sight of that line of thinking. That's part of the reason I question therapy, self-help books/ sites, and all this stuff, because if I can't even commit to forcing myself to think happy positive thoughts and all that, why should I think anything else will work? Yeah, I get that I "can" change the way I think and feel, but clearly I'm not so good at actually being able to do that.

 

So because you tried a few times and it didn't work right away, you're not going to bother to keep trying, because it will inevitably fail?

 

What about people who try really hard to lose weight? Do you think that every time they "fall off the wagon" and binge eat, they should just accept that there's no point in continuing to try to lose weight, because hey, they tried, but it was really hard and it didn't work out perfectly the first time!

 

NO. They accept that they're human, that it's not easy for them, that they will have moments of weakness and "steps backward", but that all they can do is strive to "get back on the wagon", stay focused, learn from their mistakes, keep moving forward, and KEEP TRYING. No matter how many times they fall on their face, or revert back to bad habits, they have to get back up again, dust themselves off, and KEEP TRYING. Not make excuses like "But I DID try! It didn't work! There's no point!".

 

Trying to change deeply ingrained bad habits is extremely difficult for EVERYONE. You are not a special snowflake. Accept that not everything in your life will come easily to you, without inconvenience and real struggle. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't even bother.

[allcity]

OP, your thread should be changed from "Can't see past the anger anymore..." to "Can't be bothered to put in the effort required to see past the anger...."

 

It's totally your choice if you choose not to try to make you life better, but don't expect things to change otherwise. And don't expect other people to feel sorry for you, when YOU are the one allowing your 'sadness' to continue.

 

If you want to be free of this, then it WILL be hard to do. But the result will be a life free of unnecessary sadness, anger and self-doubt. You've got to choose if that's what you want and if you're prepared to put in the work to get there.

 

Giving up before the race has even started is kind of ridiculous, no?

[MattW]

Are you kidding? You have more than enough time to repeatedly log into a relationship forum, read people's posts, and write long-winded rationalizations for why it's impossible for you to change, but you "haven't had the time" to check out a couple of internet links?!

 

Your excuses for why you haven't done something, or tried something, are getting weaker and flimsier by the day. You have ABSOLUTELY had MORE THAN ENOUGH time to check out those internet links, read the articles and absorb the content. You're just too lazy and stubborn to do it.

 

There is NO WAY that your life is so jam-packed that you haven't had the time, not when you have the time to keep logging in here, read people's posts and write long, detailed responses to them.

 

Okay, first of all, I do most of my reading/ posting on here via my phone and tablet. It's not very convenient to write up my posts that way, but eh. The thing is, penelope described those links as "games", and typically, browser games are formatted in a way differently than regular websites, and as such, they don't tend to work well (or at all) on phone/ tablet browsers.

 

So because you tried a few times and it didn't work right away, you're not going to bother to keep trying, because it will inevitably fail?

 

What about people who try really hard to lose weight? Do you think that every time they "fall off the wagon" and binge eat, they should just accept that there's no point in continuing to try to lose weight, because hey, they tried, but it was really hard and it didn't work out perfectly the first time!

 

NO. They accept that they're human, that it's not easy for them, that they will have moments of weakness and "steps backward", but that all they can do is strive to "get back on the wagon", stay focused, learn from their mistakes, keep moving forward, and KEEP TRYING. No matter how many times they fall on their face, or revert back to bad habits, they have to get back up again, dust themselves off, and KEEP TRYING. Not make excuses like "But I DID try! It didn't work! There's no point!".

 

Trying to change deeply ingrained bad habits is extremely difficult for EVERYONE. You are not a special snowflake. Accept that not everything in your life will come easily to you, without inconvenience and real struggle. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't even bother.

 

Glitz, you keep misinterpreting my posts and putting words in my mouth, then going on tirades against me for things I didn't say or mean, and no offense, but I'm getting a little tired of it. I didn't say that I "tried a few times and gave up". I've tried MANY times to think more positively. Heck, I still try to force myself to do it (meaning, this isn't something I did a few times a year ago, this is something I regularly try to do). Again, though, I keep getting derailed from those positive thoughts; they last for maybe a day or two at most, then something causes me to fall off the wagon, so to speak, and I'm right back in my regular state of mind for a while.

 

What I was trying to say was that I feel like I need to be able to conquer that and learn to control my feelings and emotions and my mind better BEFORE things like therapy or self-help books/ sites, whatever, can actually help me. Otherwise none of that stuff will matter, because I can't even get myself to think differently.

 

So what I'm asking about, or looking for, or whatever, is how I can stop "falling off the wagon", how I can take control of my head and actually hold on to it. How I can stop getting derailed constantly, how I can learn to just be at peace with myself and the world, etc. You guys can say I'm just "making excuses", but I clearly don't know how to do any of that. I've tried, I still try, but I just can't get a grip on myself, I can't change my mindset and my outlook for more than a temporary period of time.