Can't see past the anger anymore...

[MattW]

I don't think the woman realizes having sex with a stranger isn't the best idea.. this is not the type of woman who would reject that.. she was all-in.

 

Yeah. She even texted me later in the day, so despite me being kinda dull and reserved to her in person, it seems there's still an interest on her part.

 

See, you have standards. Some other guys probably would just sleep with her in a heartbeat. Since you have standards you will likely remain single longer, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

 

*sigh* I guess. Can someone like me, someone in my position, really afford to have "standards", though?

 

My sense is that while you claim you want to just have sex and that that will satisfy you you aren't really going to go through with it so this might be a blessing in disguise so you can re-think what you really want.

 

Blah. What does it matter "what I want", though? It makes no difference to anything. All that should matter to me is what I can have vs what I can't have.

[blueidealist24]

Yeah. She even texted me later in the day, so despite me being kinda dull and reserved to her in person, it seems there's still an interest on her part.

 

 

 

*sigh* I guess. Can someone like me, someone in my position, really afford to have "standards", though?

 

 

Well, I think if you keep your standards, you'll have to wait for a date or relationship. If you lower them, you may get them (or at least sex) more quickly, which it seems is what you want. I guess you'll have to decide how much longer you can wait.

[MattW]

Well, I think if you keep your standards, you'll have to wait for a date or relationship. If you lower them, you may get them (or at least sex) more quickly, which it seems is what you want. I guess you'll have to decide how much longer you can wait.

 

Meh, I can't say I like either of those "options"... v_v

 

I think things becoming "real" with this woman I met online has rattled me enough to make me not know what I want anymore.

 

I mean, I always wanted a "normal" love life, I wanted to find girls I like, and date them the traditional way, have relationships, hopefully find a great girl to settle down with. But after years of not finding any girls I wanted to date, I start feeling down and start losing sight of that. Then I find the most amazing girl I've ever encountered, and it seems as though I actually have a shot with her; except, she rejects me, and I agonize for over a year over her, and the guys she DOES choose to date over me, and I STILL sort of agonize over her because of how much I liked her. This sadness, this hurt, it makes me remember why I started giving up on "dating" in the first place. I shut down emotionally for a little while, then I start "feeling" again. But with that, the sadness and the hurt turns into anger; I want to FORCE myself to give up on the notion of "dating" and "love", so that's when I get it in my head to start looking for just sex. I try, but I find it just as frustrating as attempting to date normally, but then I finally find a woman that I hit it off with online. We seem to get along well enough, and our situations make for an ideal "FWB" scenario. And then I meet her, and I start looking for reasons not to go through with it. Over the last day or so, I've sort of been freaking out about it, internally, because I don't think I want to sleep with her, and I'm feeling very rattled and confused.

 

So I just... I don't know where this leaves me, anymore. Deep down, I always wanted a "normal" kind of love life. But when I saw that that's not a possibility for me, I tried to force myself to "want" something different. And for a while, I thought I had convinced myself, but clearly, I didn't. I don't know where this leaves me. I don't know what the hell I want anymore.

[blueidealist24]

To me it sounds like you don't really want casual sex/FWB. You were just using it as a second-choice option to what you really want. I don't believe that having a normal love life is completely out of the question for you though. It might be difficult but it could come, even if it comes two or five years from now. I have heard of guys who haven't had proper relationships until they were around 30 years old (not in real life, they probably wouldn't admit that, but on message boards on Plenty of Fish and maybe a couple of other places).

 

I think you did a big thing by meeting this woman though, even if you guys don't have sex. You stepped out of your comfort zone. You could have backed out due to fear, which I thought there was a 50% chance of you doing, but you took action.

[Batya33]

"So I just... I don't know where this leaves me, anymore. Deep down, I always wanted a "normal" kind of love life. But when I saw that that's not a possibility for me, I tried to force myself to "want" something different. And for a while, I thought I had convinced myself, but clearly, I didn't. I don't know where this leaves me. I don't know what the hell I want anymore."

 

For a logical person as you claim to be you sure love this circular thinking, huh? "I want X, and since I decided I can't have X it must be true, and therefore I can't have X". Really? You leave out the reasons why you think you can't have X because every time you list your reasons why it's obvious that none of them prevent you from having X, not in the least. So it's easier just to persist with the tautology.

I'm delighted -sincerely -that you want to meet a woman you click with, date her, get married and have a family. I think that's a great plan. I always wanted that too and one reason I didn't achieve the whole package till my early 40s was because I got in my own way. You're getting in your own way. Figure out how to stop doing that (which will require being open to that, putting in the right kind of work and effort, including stopping this silly chasing down casual sex thing) and you'll be on a path to your goal. Is that goal guaranteed to happen? Of course not! But hopefully you'll enjoy some of the journey (far more than enjoying sex with strangers with all the risky consequences).

 

Go ahead -poke holes in everything I wrote, rewrite your excuses, ignore what I wrote - all fine with me- I have no personal investment. I wish I would have listened more to people who told me I was getting in my own way. I'm very happy with how it all turned out but the journey sure was rougher than it needed to be. I hope you have an easier time of it.

[MattW]

I don't believe that having a normal love life is completely out of the question for you though. It might be difficult but it could come, even if it comes two or five years from now. I have heard of guys who haven't had proper relationships until they were around 30 years old (not in real life, they probably wouldn't admit that, but on message boards on Plenty of Fish and maybe a couple of other places).

 

I dunno, I just don't see it. At this point, despite how much I want it, I can't even visualize myself with another person.

 

For a logical person as you claim to be you sure love this circular thinking, huh? "I want X, and since I decided I can't have X it must be true, and therefore I can't have X". Really? You leave out the reasons why you think you can't have X because every time you list your reasons why it's obvious that none of them prevent you from having X, not in the least. So it's easier just to persist with the tautology.

I'm delighted -sincerely -that you want to meet a woman you click with, date her, get married and have a family. I think that's a great plan. I always wanted that too and one reason I didn't achieve the whole package till my early 40s was because I got in my own way. You're getting in your own way. Figure out how to stop doing that (which will require being open to that, putting in the right kind of work and effort, including stopping this silly chasing down casual sex thing) and you'll be on a path to your goal. Is that goal guaranteed to happen? Of course not! But hopefully you'll enjoy some of the journey (far more than enjoying sex with strangers with all the risky consequences).

 

Look, I know I "get in my own way", I know that's the root of a lot of this, but realizing it and being aware of it hasn't made it any easier for me to get out of my own way. The part of me that's "in the way" is determined to see me fail, determined to be right about me and the "doom and gloom", and all that.

[blueidealist24]

I dunno, I just don't see it. At this point, despite how much I want it, I can't even visualize myself with another person.

 

Just because you can't visualize it that doesn't mean that it won't happen. Plus even if it's not within the next two months or something you could change a lot over the next two years (like after you leave retail and work at a career).

[Batya33]

I dunno, I just don't see it. At this point, despite how much I want it, I can't even visualize myself with another person.

 

 

 

Look, I know I "get in my own way", I know that's the root of a lot of this, but realizing it and being aware of it hasn't made it any easier for me to get out of my own way. The part of me that's "in the way" is determined to see me fail, determined to be right about me and the "doom and gloom", and all that.

 

That part of you is completely within your control if you make that choice. The consensus seems to be that you've made a different choice -i.e. the belief that you are controlled by that part of you - because it's the easier way out.

[NorthDallas40]

So Matt, it's been 19 days since this thread started.

 

Have you taken any advice in this discussion or done anything to improve your situation?

 

If so, I'm sure everyone would love to hear your progress!

 

If not, don't you think it's time to make at least a small, measurable step?

 

Because if you do, you could silence the critics here who say you never take the advice people offer you. I'd think that alone would help your self-esteem in some small way.

[MattW]

Does it really matter anymore at this point? Ugh. I'm a piece of **** and I deserve the crummy life I force myself to have. Maybe it's time I stop wanting to fight it, and just crawl in my hole.

[Batya33]

Does it really matter anymore at this point? Ugh. I'm a piece of **** and I deserve the crummy life I force myself to have. Maybe it's time I stop wanting to fight it, and just crawl in my hole.

 

Sure, giving up is one of the many alternatives. I'm not going to argue your points because that would be enabling you - that's not positive attention. By the way I have seen you take some of the advice given to you in the past -you've written about events you've gone to, strides you've made socially, etc. Good for you. Your feelings are your feelings and from all you've written the feelings expressed in this last post likely will not persist for long.

[MattW]

Your feelings are your feelings and from all you've written the feelings expressed in this last post likely will not persist for long.

 

Part of me makes me wonder "What makes you say that?", but at the same time, my feelings are so wild that I can't seem to properly get them under control, so I guess I can kinda see where you're coming from.

 

But either way, I just can't seem to get myself to make any progress. I've been "trying" for 6-7 years, now, and I feel like I'm no better off than I was at the beginning. My negative thoughts and feelings have such a strong vice grip on me that I force myself to perpetually live in the same awful cycle. There's something very, very wrong with me, and I'm the only one that can fix it, but I haven't been faring too well against it... At this point, I feel like I'm just banging my head against the wall. What good is any of it? Why should I keep "fighting" something that I purposely set myself up to lose against? I'm weak, I can't get a grip on my feelings and my own mind. I think perhaps my "spirit" has finally been broken.

[penelope13]

Get yourself to a doctor's!

[blueidealist24]

If you don't want to pay you should look into options for free therapy. I know there are sometimes places which offer that. Just Google it. It's worth a try since nothing else has worked to make you feel better.

[MattW]

Ugh, I hate how the dumbest things cause me to have an emotional reaction. I was just catching up on the premiere of one of my favorite TV shows, and there was a bit in the second half that just made me think of me and where I'm at, and all of that, and it REALLY got to me. *sigh* What the hell is wrong with me...?

[Rosti87]

Ugh, I hate how the dumbest things cause me to have an emotional reaction. I was just catching up on the premiere of one of my favorite TV shows, and there was a bit in the second half that just made me think of me and where I'm at, and all of that, and it REALLY got to me. *sigh* What the hell is wrong with me...?

 

Please get help.

[Iggles]

Does it really matter anymore at this point? Ugh. I'm a piece of **** and I deserve the crummy life I force myself to have. Maybe it's time I stop wanting to fight it, and just crawl in my hole.

 

You're ready to give up on love and relationships at 24???

 

You're so young and have a lot of experiences ahead of you. I was a late bloomer too, and I remember how lonely and inadequate I felt. It sucks, but it really does get better..

 

You're going to meet a girl and experience love. But first you need to stop the pity party. You're no less worthy of a relationship than anyone else, but the more you exude the negative the farther away you are from inviting someone worthwhile into your life (and vice versa!)

 

Please take the advice of others on this thread and get help. Therapy can help you sort out your issues. You have to be a good place mentally before you can think about having a healthy relationship with anyone.

[MattW]

You're so young and have a lot of experiences ahead of you.

 

No, no I don't. I have one experience ahead of me, the same experience I've had my entire life, the one and only experience I'll allow myself to have.

[Batya33]

No, no I don't. I have one experience ahead of me, the same experience I've had my entire life, the one and only experience I'll allow myself to have.

 

How's the wallowing working for you? You're that intent on taking the easy way out and having this attitude? Then I agree totally with what Penelope wrote about seeking therapy.

[MattW]

It's less about the "easy way out" and more about accepting the idea that I'm a lost cause, and that no one and nothing can help me because I force myself to stay exactly where I'm at no matter how miserable it makes me.

[blueidealist24]

It's less about the "easy way out" and more about accepting the idea that I'm a lost cause, and that no one and nothing can help me because I force myself to stay exactly where I'm at no matter how miserable it makes me.

 

It seems like you're addicted to being miserable, and maybe you're even rejecting the idea of therapy because you think it might make you happier and that little piece of you just won't let you be happy.

[allcity]

Wanting to meet a woman should be the last thing on your mind right now. Seeking help should be first.

 

You're putting the cart before the horse. Based on what you've written in your last few posts you're not yet in the right frame of mind to attract someone and you're definitely not ready to maintain a relationship when you are.

 

Step one is to TAKE step one and actually START seeking help, if you're so sure you can't do this alone. Fear and comfort in your misery are very silly excuses for not at least trying to create the life you want.

 

The alternative is you WILL create the future that you're already so sure is ahead of you. Your future is what YOU make it, so make it a good one.

 

It's your choice because I'm sorry to say at this stage you're clearly just wanting people to feel sorry for you. And it's hard to feel sorry for someone who rejects all options to make their life better.

[Batya33]

It's less about the "easy way out" and more about accepting the idea that I'm a lost cause, and that no one and nothing can help me because I force myself to stay exactly where I'm at no matter how miserable it makes me.

 

I completely disagree. As one of my friends said the other day, it's easier to keep your anger on like a warm blanket (she was talking about being angry at her SO for something, and he was trying to make it better/apologize) and harder to come out of that comfort zone of victimhood or martyrdom and actually do something about it or be vulnerable, etc.

If you are determined to stay in your comfort zone then why are you still posting here -what advice do you expect for a "lost cause". I don't think attention such as "no you're not" or some other flattering/comforting words is going to be productive -it will just enable you to continue going in these boring circles.

[Angler]

No, no I don't. I have one experience ahead of me, the same experience I've had my entire life, the one and only experience I'll allow myself to have.

 

As long as you accept that this prophecy is self fulfilling....

[MattW]

As long as you accept that this prophecy is self fulfilling....

 

I don't know how to make myself believe in anything else, though. And I mean REALLY believe; not be positive and optimistic about life for a day or so then get derailed and go back to the way I normally think.

 

If you are determined to stay in your comfort zone then why are you still posting here -what advice do you expect for a "lost cause".

 

I don't know. There's always going to be a part of me that wants to reach out, wants to have something better, wants to change, but I just won't allow any of that to happen for myself.

 

It seems like you're addicted to being miserable, and maybe you're even rejecting the idea of therapy because you think it might make you happier and that little piece of you just won't let you be happy.

 

Probably. Makes sense, really.