Can't see past the anger anymore...

[penelope13]

Do you think that you have shown yourself as a caring person on this forum? Given how many people come here and are looking for help and support it's really not that difficult to demonstrate one's caring side

[LoveSoDeep]

Perhaps, but I just get the sense that people talk down to me a lot, and that irritates me. I can typically tell when people are joking, and honestly, I enjoy playful teasing, but there are certain things that will strike a nerve with me, and those times, it usually feels a little more personal.

 

 

 

But how do I do that? I mean, I do what I can, but I don't often see many opportunities to demonstrate anything. And when there are moments where I can demonstrate my good qualities, people don't seem to remember them very well; but god forbid I make a mistake or do something stupid, I never live it down.

 

Well often when people get personal when teasing me I know it's because that person knows it gets to me and they are doing it to irk me. Is it possible people see that it irritates you and then do it just to irritate you because they find it entertaining? I'm not saying that's okay....I'm just saying it's common and the best way to seal with it is to find a way to not show your irritation because if you take away their pay off they often quit.

 

It depends on what you are trying to demonstrate. If you want to be seen as capable (I assume this would be at work) then you have to consistently perform at or above the desired level of capability with out coaching. For example if as a child if you want a paper route but your parent's are convinced you will stick with it...to prove yourself you pick something you can do say take out the trash and walk the dog and you do that without fail with out being told...and to take it one step further you find a better rout to walk the dog that really does the job even if it is longer for you or you find a better way to take out the trash...prove you can do it by doing it. That's how you get ahead in life.

 

How do you show you are caring? You care about people. If they are sick you feel empathy you offer to help, you bring them soup or cold medicine or their favorite movie. If they are happy you are genuinely happy for them congratulate them and so on....

[blueidealist24]

Well often when people get personal when teasing me I know it's because that person knows it gets to me and they are doing it to irk me. Is it possible people see that it irritates you and then do it just to irritate you because they find it entertaining? I'm not saying that's okay....I'm just saying it's common and the best way to seal with it is to find a way to not show your irritation because if you take away their pay off they often quit.

 

 

I agree. People used to do that to me but then I somehow learned to pretend it didn't bother me, and they stopped doing it.

[Slimpee]

Matt, you really make a lot of assumptions about the world.

 

Has it occurred to you that your assumptions could be wrong?

[MattW]

How do you know that is what people think? -Could that not be conjecture on your part?

 

Are you sure that you are not setting yourself up with self fulfilling prophesies by assuming everyone is disliking you and actively disrespecting you?

 

i'm not trying to assign 'blame', but trying to figure out if you are contributing (even unknowingly) to the situation. if there was anything that you may be contributing - then that is something you could try to do differently in the future.

 

I don't know, I just feel like I can see it in the way people interact with me.

 

Do you think that you have shown yourself as a caring person on this forum? Given how many people come here and are looking for help and support it's really not that difficult to demonstrate one's caring side

 

I don't have enough personal experience to properly give anyone else here any helpful insight or advice, though. It's not that I wouldn't if I could, I just don't think I really have much to offer any other posters here.

 

Well often when people get personal when teasing me I know it's because that person knows it gets to me and they are doing it to irk me. Is it possible people see that it irritates you and then do it just to irritate you because they find it entertaining? I'm not saying that's okay....I'm just saying it's common and the best way to seal with it is to find a way to not show your irritation because if you take away their pay off they often quit.

 

Well, I really don't show my irritation and frustration, because it usually doesn't occur to me right away how I feel about it, if that makes any sense. Usually, if someone strikes a nerve, I'll just be a bit "ruffled" and dumbstruck, and once I'm away from that person, I start connecting the dots and realizing that they said something that puts me down, and then I get angry and offended.

 

It depends on what you are trying to demonstrate. If you want to be seen as capable (I assume this would be at work) then you have to consistently perform at or above the desired level of capability with out coaching. For example if as a child if you want a paper route but your parent's are convinced you will stick with it...to prove yourself you pick something you can do say take out the trash and walk the dog and you do that without fail with out being told...and to take it one step further you find a better rout to walk the dog that really does the job even if it is longer for you or you find a better way to take out the trash...prove you can do it by doing it. That's how you get ahead in life.

 

How do you show you are caring? You care about people. If they are sick you feel empathy you offer to help, you bring them soup or cold medicine or their favorite movie. If they are happy you are genuinely happy for them congratulate them and so on....

 

Yeah, but I do that stuff. I've busted my ass time and time again at work, and it often goes unnoticed by most people (or again, people might notice, but will quickly forget about it, and only have a long term memory for things I did wrong or failed to do). As demonstrating care for people, I try to do that kind of thing, too. Within reason, of course (as in, no one is really close enough with me that it would be appropriate for me to come by their home when they're sick and bring them something). But I try to empathize with people, I try to show an interest in people, I try to listen and be supportive when I can. I don't really know how to go above and beyond than that.

 

Matt, you really make a lot of assumptions about the world.

 

Has it occurred to you that your assumptions could be wrong?

 

Perhaps, but this lack of respect thing seems to make a lot of sense. People don't respect me, people see me as "beneath" them in one way or another, so they don't want me in their lives, they don't want to be friends with me, they don't want to date me. Like I said, it seems like people only see me for what I lack, rather than what I have.

[penelope13]

I don't know, I just feel like I can see it in the way people interact with me.

 

I don't have enough personal experience to properly give anyone else here any helpful insight or advice, though. It's not that I wouldn't if I could, I just don't think I really have much to offer any other posters here.

 

To the first quote: so nobody has actually said or done something ouvert, but you are just assuming that everybody is against you. - It sounds as if you are transferring your low self esteem issues onto perceived injustice from other people and you are putting yourself into the victim position.

 

In response to the second quote: it doesn't require any skill set to listen to other people or to show empathy.

 

 

Altogether, no matter which of your threads, it always reads as if you are complaining about your fate in life, but whenever a suggestion is made you come back with a "i know it won't work, so I'm not even going to try".

 

 

Of course you can choose not to change anything about yourself and your life - just let it sink in that it is YOUR CHOICE.

 

The only one you are hurting with this attitude is yourself.

 

There are many people who are willing to help someone else with their struggles and challenges - however, it really has to start with the person him/herself. Nobody can give you the motivation and the energy to make those changes. Is it easy? No. But it can be done. And it has to start from within you.

[Angler]

Have you noticed a pattern of asking for advice, and then categorically listing reasons why you're an exception and nothing anyone has suggested applies to you?

[MattW]

Have you noticed a pattern of asking for advice, and then categorically listing reasons why you're an exception and nothing anyone has suggested applies to you?

 

Well, yes, and I understand why that's a problem. But you have to understand that my mind justifies these reasons. Now, whether they're correct justifications or incorrect justifications is another discussion, but I justify those reasons to myself.

 

To be honest, I guess I don't really know why I do that. Again, I understand why it's an issue, and it's not something I purposely do, but I don't know how to actually change the entire way I think about things.

[penelope13]

If you notice yourself doing that: just tell yourself to stop it and try to think of an alternative. you have control over your own thinking!

[penelope13]

This is actually what a therapist could help you with: give you a tool set to stop your negative thinking patterns and replace them with more positive ones.

 

Currently, you are your own worst enemy

[LoveSoDeep]

This is actually what a therapist could help you with: give you a tool set to stop your negative thinking patterns and replace them with more positive ones.

 

Currently, you are your own worst enemy

 

Perfectly stated!

[MattW]

If you notice yourself doing that: just tell yourself to stop it and try to think of an alternative. you have control over your own thinking!

 

I'm not trying to say I don't have control over my thinking, but when it's so hardwired into my very core, it's not as simple as "stopping myself and thinking of an alternative". If it were that simple, I'm sure I would've done that already.

 

This is actually what a therapist could help you with: give you a tool set to stop your negative thinking patterns and replace them with more positive ones.

 

Currently, you are your own worst enemy

 

I guess. I still don't really see how, though. I'm not trying to use that as an excuse, it's just... I can't really go on blind faith. If I'm going to spend this much time and money on something, I want to have a clear idea of what it's going to entail, and what the odds are that it's going to work out for me. I'm just wary at the idea of spending months (if not years) of my time and thousands of dollars on therapy that might not do a thing for me. That's a pretty big commitment for something that I don't have a whole lot of faith in to begin with.

 

And if I can go off this topic for a second to talk about something that made me raise an eyebrow today... That girl I like(d) a lot, I occasionally take a peek at her Twitter account just to see what she's up to, and earlier today, she posted about feeling sad because she doesn't know what it feels like to be someone's "number one". I saw that, and in my head I was just like "Uh... Hello, do you not remember when you found out I had feelings for you and when I explicitly told you once that you were the coolest girl I've ever met?". Blah. How frustrating that she could potentially have exactly what she wants (and maybe even more), if only she would just see what's right in front of her.

 

That's why I hate this whole attraction thing. People will say "I want someone that's like this!", and then you say "Hey, I'm like that!", but then they say "Oh... Well, yeah, but you're not this other thing, so no thanks". In a way, there's some hypocrisy there, because people will present this idea of what they really want and what they really value in a partner, but then when they find someone that has those qualities, they discard that person because they're lacking something that's less important. Then they complain that they can't find anyone that has the important qualities they desire.

[penelope13]

I guess. I still don't really see how, though. I'm not trying to use that as an excuse, it's just... I can't really go on blind faith. If I'm going to spend this much time and money on something, I want to have a clear idea of what it's going to entail, and what the odds are that it's going to work out for me. I'm just wary at the idea of spending months (if not years) of my time and thousands of dollars on therapy that might not do a thing for me. That's a pretty big commitment for something that I don't have a whole lot of faith in to begin with.

 

You know, if it was that easy to know all the tools automatically, people wouldn't need to go through training to become professional counselors, therapists, life coaches etc.

 

You didn't develop negative thinking patterns overnight, thus it will also take time to learn new thinking strategies.

 

The more open minded you are about trying new things and the more energy you put into therapy, the more beneficial it will be for you. But of course if you are set on saying "no, I don't want to try anything unless I have infallible proof", even the most talented professional wouldn't be able to help you.

 

So the odds and what it entails, is entirely dependent ON YOU.

 

 

When people say "I want someone like this ..." usually everybody understands that it is implied that there is more than one criteria involved, even if someone only states one.

[Slimpee]

You say "blind faith", i say "change". Yes, change is uncomfortable but is necessary.

 

I mean, you post countless threads seeking help but what have you ACTUALLY done besides post said threads and do a few google searches for helpful articles?

 

Just because you can't see exactly where you're going doesn't mean you shouldn't take the first step...

[Wayfara]

And if I can go off this topic for a second to talk about something that made me raise an eyebrow today... That girl I like(d) a lot, I occasionally take a peek at her Twitter account just to see what she's up to, and earlier today, she posted about feeling sad because she doesn't know what it feels like to be someone's "number one". I saw that, and in my head I was just like "Uh... Hello, do you not remember when you found out I had feelings for you and when I explicitly told you once that you were the coolest girl I've ever met?". Blah. How frustrating that she could potentially have exactly what she wants (and maybe even more), if only she would just see what's right in front of her.

 

Imagine if it had been you writing that statement on twitter about not knowing how it feels to be someone's number, and, assuming you are straight, this amazing gay man had told you earlier you were the coolest guy he had ever met. In that scenario maybe he would be frustrated with you because you could have had exactly what you wanted if only you could have seen what's right in front of you. If she is not attracted to you this is exactly the same scenario, a gay man wouldn't be able to give a straight man what he wants in a romantic relationship as there would be a lack attraction, just as you wouldn't be able to give her what she wants in a romantic relationship as there would be a lack of attraction.

 

That's why I hate this whole attraction thing. People will say "I want someone that's like this!", and then you say "Hey, I'm like that!", but then they say "Oh... Well, yeah, but you're not this other thing, so no thanks". In a way, there's some hypocrisy there, because people will present this idea of what they really want and what they really value in a partner, but then when they find someone that has those qualities, they discard that person because they're lacking something that's less important. Then they complain that they can't find anyone that has the important qualities they desire.

 

You say you want someone you can laugh with, someone who shares and gets your sense of humour, someone who is smart and mature. What if you found someone like that and it was a man or an eighty year old woman? Would that stop you from pursuing a romantic relationship with them because they lack other less important things as boobs and a young looking face? You could always adopt if you want children so who cares about what is between their legs and age is just a number anyway. What I mean, for whatever reason this girl is not attracted to you this reason is important enough to not create attraction, so it can't really be said to be less important.

 

And the reason people don't include everything they want in a partner in their lists is because 1), the list would simply be too long to write down (no serial killer, no drug user, no cat torturer etc etc), 2) some things are so given that they don't really have to be pointed out so when someone say they want someone smart and mature it almost always mean they also want to be attracted to this person, 3) no one has the exact formula for attraction and there is no way to know if you will be attracted to someone just based on a set of traits.

[MattW]

The more open minded you are about trying new things and the more energy you put into therapy, the more beneficial it will be for you. But of course if you are set on saying "no, I don't want to try anything unless I have infallible proof", even the most talented professional wouldn't be able to help you.

 

So the odds and what it entails, is entirely dependent ON YOU.

 

I'm not asking for "infallible proof", though, I'm just saying, I would have to invest a lot of time and money just to ATTEMPT to "get better". I understand you have to take risks in life, but in my experience, every time I blindly "take a risk", it's always gone badly. That's hardened me a bit, that's shaped me into someone that calculates risk, and looks at things like odds of success, and risk vs reward.

 

The truth is, I think therapy "scares" me for many many reasons. For one, I'm worried that I may become dependent on therapy; as in, every time something goes wrong in my life, I'll find myself having to run back to a therapist because I won't be able to deal with. I don't want to live my life that way, but if we've learned anything about me, it's that I have codependency issues. I'm also worried that therapy just flat out won't work for me. And if that's the case, what do I do then? At least if I keep therapy in my "back pocket", so to speak, I always have something to fall back on, but if therapy can't help me, what do I have to fall back on? I'll be out of options, if that were to happen. I'm worried that I wouldn't be able to properly give therapy a chance; I'm already biased against it, in general, and again, I don't feel it can be successful if you don't go into it with the right mindset. I feel like I'd just end up arguing with and talking in circles to a therapist, just like I do with you guys.

 

Just because you can't see exactly where you're going doesn't mean you shouldn't take the first step...

 

I suppose that's another "thing" with me. I'm a very logical, analytical person. I look at things logically, I deduce things, I assess risks, I run various scenarios through my head. That's what I do. I NEED to be in complete control over what happens to me, but I also need stability, I crave stability. So should I face something that's basically one giant question mark, I'll tend to shy away from it. I'm not saying I need anything "infallible", but my logical mindset can only handle so many "constants" and "variables". Facing something that's a complete unknown, a complete mystery to me is just something I have a lot of trouble doing.

 

When people say "I want someone like this ..." usually everybody understands that it is implied that there is more than one criteria involved, even if someone only states one.

 

True, but people tend to value certain qualities and criteria over others. I mean, no one is "perfect" after all. But if I ever manage to find myself in a happy, healthy relationship in which mutual attraction exists (which, again, I don't see ever happening), that's going to require a girl to look at and appreciate me for my good qualities, rather than seeing me and going "You're a good guy... But you're short, quiet, and not dominant enough". I firmly believe I would still make for a good partner despite those more "on the surface" qualities that aren't particularly attractive. Yet, because I'm only a "good guy" and not "a good guy that's big, strong, hot, and manly", I'm just not "good enough".

[MattW]

You say you want someone you can laugh with, someone who shares and gets your sense of humour, someone who is smart and mature. What if you found someone like that and it was a man or an eighty year old woman? Would that stop you from pursuing a romantic relationship with them because they lack other less important things as boobs and a young looking face? You could always adopt if you want children so who cares about what is between their legs and age is just a number anyway. What I mean, for whatever reason this girl is not attracted to you this reason is important enough to not create attraction, so it can't really be said to be less important.

 

Those are pretty extreme examples of obvious disproportional attraction, though. Not being attracted to a man, or not being attracted to an elderly woman are outlandish examples of attraction, here. Whereas, this girl and I are two straight people, of the opposite sex, roughly the same age, at the same stage in our lives, with a lot in common, and very similar personalities. I understand attraction can't be "forced", and all that, but the situation I just described is basically what everyone hopes to find in a romantic partner, and after years of coming up empty handed, I finally find the one girl I share this stuff with, and for reasons unknown to me, she just doesn't want to be with me. That's just frustrating, it hurts, it makes it difficult to have faith in my future romantic prospects.

[Wonderstruck]

These are all excellent points, Wayfara. Unfortunately, they will probably be completely lost on Matt, who can't accept that something like physical attraction could actually be really important to some people, just because it's not important to him. He's been told before that this girl is probably not physically attracted to him, but apparently that's not a "good enough reason" to not want to be involved with him.

 

I couldn't imagine dating someone who I wasn't physically attracted to. The thought of having to hold their hand, kiss them, have sex with them - if I'm not physically attracted to them, I'd shudder at the thought of doing these things. Physical attraction is ESSENTIAL to a lot of people. And honestly, it might not even just be about physical attraction - there could be certain things about your personality, Matt, that are a huge turn-off for this girl. So, why should she settle and date you simply because you have feelings for her and you're a "nice guy" that would "treat her well"? Because YOU'VE decided that you guys have "great chemistry" and would make a "great pairing"? If she doesn't feel that chemistry and that attraction, it makes no sense for her to get involved with you.

 

Also, you're being a hypocrite, because you've talked about being friends with other girls in the past who you felt absolutely nothing for - how would you feel if one of them had fallen madly in love with you and kept insisting that you guys had "amazing chemistry" and that she would be such a great girlfriend to you? Would that make you suddenly realize how incredible she was and how much you two should be together? NO. It wouldn't change your feelings towards her in the slightest. You can't force attraction.

 

Your frustration over this girl not "realizing what she has in front of her" is arrogant and makes no sense. She sees who you are, and she's not interested. What's difficult to understand about that? And if you feel like she SHOULD be interested, then you'd have to concede that every time someone is really nice to someone and develops feelings for them, the other person should automatically return those feelings. Being a "good person" with "good qualities" does not automatically foster attraction. And if it did, then that means that YOU would have to be attracted to all of those other girls who you were friends with who were nice people.

 

Stop feeling so hard-done by, and stop stalking her twitter account. Why would you bother torturing yourself that way when you know that you have no shot with her?

[Wayfara]

Those are pretty extreme examples of obvious disproportional attraction, though. Not being attracted to a man, or not being attracted to an elderly woman are outlandish examples of attraction, here. Whereas, this girl and I are two straight people, of the opposite sex, roughly the same age, at the same stage in our lives, with a lot in common, and very similar personalities. I understand attraction can't be "forced", and all that, but the situation I just described is basically what everyone hopes to find in a romantic partner, and after years of coming up empty handed, I finally find the one girl I share this stuff with, and for reasons unknown to me, she just doesn't want to be with me. That's just frustrating, it hurts, it makes it difficult to have faith in my future romantic prospects.

 

I don't know what your personal turn offs are so I have to take obvious examples, I will still say though that the thought of being romantically intimate with someone of the wrong gender or someone of the wrong age can be just as uncomfortable as the thought of as being romantically intimate with anyone else you are not attracted to. In one case the gender is the reason for the lack of attraction, in the other case the age is the reason of the lack of attraction, and in other cases something else is the reason for the lack of attraction and these reasons don't have to be any less important. All reasons to not feeling attraction are valid, some are just more obvious. Not being attracted to a guy because you are a straight man is a valid reason to not feel attraction, and so is not being attracted to a smart mature girl who shares your sense humor because she has an uncanny resemblance to your mother.

[Slimpee]

I suppose that's another "thing" with me. I'm a very logical, analytical person. I look at things logically, I deduce things, I assess risks, I run various scenarios through my head. That's what I do. I NEED to be in complete control over what happens to me, but I also need stability, I crave stability. So should I face something that's basically one giant question mark, I'll tend to shy away from it. I'm not saying I need anything "infallible", but my logical mindset can only handle so many "constants" and "variables". Facing something that's a complete unknown, a complete mystery to me is just something I have a lot of trouble doing.

 

Two things. 1. If you're expecting to be in control and have stability at all times...good luck dating, let along finding a relationship. You're shooting yourself in the foot before you can even get into the race...

 

2. Given what you've said in this and other threads, I wonder if your desire for control and continuity is a strong defense mechanism for you. It sounds like you didn't have the smoothest family/social life growing up so perhaps you've constructed a world that you can control as well as one that will help protect you from being hurt. If you're used to being hurt by people close to you, i'm not surprised that you're afraid to be vulnerable.

 

That said, this is a deeeeeeeep issue and I am in no way qualified to deal with it. This is another reason I think you need to find a therapist/counselor. You're obviously a smart guy...you should have no problem finding help including free/no-cost help. If you really can't, feel free to PM me your location and I can look into it as well.

[penelope13]

I suppose that's another "thing" with me. I'm a very logical, analytical person. I look at things logically, I deduce things, I assess risks, I run various scenarios through my head.

 

I'm not sure how logical it is to complain about the same things, not make any changes, and then be surprised/angry/annoyed that you are still stuck in the same situation ...

[blueidealist24]

This all makes a lot of sense to me. Are you sure this girl is as smart as you believe? However, she might not really "forget" that you said she was the coolest girl ever. I expect she's trying to get some other guy's attention, so she put that status to give off a "woe is me" kind of vibe, hoping that will make him pay attention to her or at least get other people to feel sorry for her because he doesn't return her feelings or whatever. All in all, she doesn't really sound THAT smart or mature to me. That's quite an immature move, although I've done it too. I really think you might be seeing her with rose-tinted glasses.

 

The person above me commented that you may not be as logical as you think. The way I see it is that your thoughts are logical but your actions really aren't sometimes. Well, the problem is really a lack of action, not any one particular action.

[BrianH46]

Your "logic" is merely a coping mechanism whose sole purpose is to justify the path of least resistance no matter how great the reward.

 

She does not find you attractive. She even told you personally and reported you to your work place. Use your "logic" and come to the conclusion that she does not find you attractive. In other words you lack qualities that she likes. You are constantly put down and are often the butt of jokes at work, no? In the six years that you have worked there, how many times have you been promoted if at all? Why not be logical, assess your problems then go about taking actions to solve them?

[MattW]

I couldn't imagine dating someone who I wasn't physically attracted to. The thought of having to hold their hand, kiss them, have sex with them - if I'm not physically attracted to them, I'd shudder at the thought of doing these things. Physical attraction is ESSENTIAL to a lot of people. And honestly, it might not even just be about physical attraction - there could be certain things about your personality, Matt, that are a huge turn-off for this girl. So, why should she settle and date you simply because you have feelings for her and you're a "nice guy" that would "treat her well"? Because YOU'VE decided that you guys have "great chemistry" and would make a "great pairing"? If she doesn't feel that chemistry and that attraction, it makes no sense for her to get involved with you.

 

Okay, but the reason that makes me angry is because there is zero chance any girl will ever be physically attracted to me. I'm not physically attractive at all, and I'm not talking about stuff I can change, like weight or shape. I cannot attract a girl based on physical attraction. It's just never going to happen. I HAVE to be able to win a girl over some other way, because no girl is ever going to see me as someone they want to "holds hands with", "kiss", or "have sex with".

 

Also, you're being a hypocrite, because you've talked about being friends with other girls in the past who you felt absolutely nothing for - how would you feel if one of them had fallen madly in love with you and kept insisting that you guys had "amazing chemistry" and that she would be such a great girlfriend to you? Would that make you suddenly realize how incredible she was and how much you two should be together? NO. It wouldn't change your feelings towards her in the slightest. You can't force attraction.

 

But that's not a situation I've ever been in. You can't say I'm a hypocrite, because neither one of us knows how I'd handle this situation. To be honest, if I knew a girl was into me, I'd probably date her regardless of how I felt about her. At least I'd be with someone, and that's really the best I can ever hope for, at this point.

 

Your frustration over this girl not "realizing what she has in front of her" is arrogant and makes no sense. She sees who you are, and she's not interested. What's difficult to understand about that? And if you feel like she SHOULD be interested, then you'd have to concede that every time someone is really nice to someone and develops feelings for them, the other person should automatically return those feelings. Being a "good person" with "good qualities" does not automatically foster attraction. And if it did, then that means that YOU would have to be attracted to all of those other girls who you were friends with who were nice people.

 

Stop feeling so hard-done by, and stop stalking her twitter account. Why would you bother torturing yourself that way when you know that you have no shot with her?

 

Look, I just want to clarify first and foremost that I'm not angry at this girl, nor am I directing any ill will towards her. On one hand, I do understand that it's out of my hands, and out of respect for her, I'm not actively pursuing her. I'm just mad at the situation, itself. I'm mad at the universe for putting me in this situation. I'm mad that the universe has me cross paths with a girl that I feel like I could've had a future with, but as it turns out, it was just the universe being a tease and showing me something great that I can never ever have.

 

Two things. 1. If you're expecting to be in control and have stability at all times...good luck dating, let along finding a relationship. You're shooting yourself in the foot before you can even get into the race...

 

I'm not saying I want control over other people, if that's what you're getting at. I wouldn't be that way in a relationship, that's not the point I'm trying to make. I'm only saying that I want control over MYSELF. Regardless of what other people around me are doing, I need to be in total and complete control of myself, my actions, and whatnot. Actually, that's a big reason why I almost never drink alcohol (and when I do, I barely drink any at all), because the thought of getting even a little drunk terrifies me, because I just can't fathom the idea of not being in complete control over myself.

 

2. Given what you've said in this and other threads, I wonder if your desire for control and continuity is a strong defense mechanism for you. It sounds like you didn't have the smoothest family/social life growing up so perhaps you've constructed a world that you can control as well as one that will help protect you from being hurt. If you're used to being hurt by people close to you, i'm not surprised that you're afraid to be vulnerable.

 

That said, this is a deeeeeeeep issue and I am in no way qualified to deal with it. This is another reason I think you need to find a therapist/counselor. You're obviously a smart guy...you should have no problem finding help including free/no-cost help. If you really can't, feel free to PM me your location and I can look into it as well.

 

Eh. Yeah, I guess that sounds like a logical assessment of my issues. *sigh* I dunno, man. I just don't know anymore. I'm just sick of life, at this point. I wish it was over with already.

[greywolf]

The truth is, I think therapy "scares" me for many many reasons. For one, I'm worried that I may become dependent on therapy; as in, every time something goes wrong in my life, I'll find myself having to run back to a therapist because I won't be able to deal with.

 

And you go to the doctor every time you get sick. There's nothing wrong with it.