Can't see past the anger anymore...

[Slimpee]

How do I do that, though? I don't purposely try to just blow off the stuff you guys say, but I sort of play out scenarios in my head, and I recognize how I'd probably act in these scenarios. Case in point, again, with therapy, I just don't know that I could go into it with an open mind. I really feel like I'd go in and just talk in circles to a therapist, and get nowhere, just like I do with you guys here. Again, the only difference being that I'd be paying money to do that, which, again, to me, would be a waste of money.

 

The only way to predict the future is to refuse to change. Like I said before, the reason that you think you know how things will turn is that you bring about the very outcome you envisioned!

 

It's definitely hard. but you have to have an open heart...you have to want to change. Moreover, you have to be willing to try something that makes you uncomfortable.

 

I PROMISE you that just by trying you'll feel better. If you honesty try and something doesn't work, at least you gave it a shot. You can then use what you've learned to try something else.

 

Besides, you often learn more by screwing up.

 

But the key is that you have to try! You got this, buddy!

[penelope13]

what do you significantly have to lose in the long run (don't say time/money) for giving a new approach a try? You always have the possibility to stop and try something different if you don't like it. But choosing not to try anything new is effectively cutting off all your chances.

 

you are not giving people and situations the chance to prove you wrong.

 

if that is your decision, fine. but then don't continue to complain that you are not happy with your situation.

 

if you have not received a certain education based on your family life, you can only use that as an excuse for so long. it may explain some of your behavior, but once you are an adult, it's in your power to learn new things

[allcity]

How do I do that, though? I really feel like I'd go in and just talk in circles to a therapist, and get nowhere, just like I do with you guys here.

 

There are two elements to this:

 

1. You know that you can decide how you want to act, right? You're not some robot that can't choose to let his guard down and just talk to someone without acting how you'd naturally and defensively act. Saying that you know how the scenario would play out is avoidance, as you're acting as if you can't make a choice to help yourself, by choosing to let a therapist into your mind/life to help you, no matter how difficult it might be to do so.

 

2. Therapists are trained professionals and know exactly how to ease you into things and help you feel comfortable. I very much doubt you'd talk circles around them, even if you tried. What's far more likely is you'd go in thinking you were holding all the cards and you'd be pouring your heart out in about 20 minutes flat

 

I'll hazard a guess and say that your 'certainty' that therapy wouldn't work for you is nothing more than complete fear of facing all the demons that are bringing you the unhappiness and anger that you want to get rid of.

 

Facing up to your fears and yourself is one of the hardest and scariest things you can ever do. So just ask yourself if what you're currently doing is working for you. If not, then surely it's time for a change!

[Rosti87]

How do I do that, though? I don't purposely try to just blow off the stuff you guys say, but I sort of play out scenarios in my head, and I recognize how I'd probably act in these scenarios. Case in point, again, with therapy, I just don't know that I could go into it with an open mind. I really feel like I'd go in and just talk in circles to a therapist, and get nowhere, just like I do with you guys here. Again, the only difference being that I'd be paying money to do that, which, again, to me, would be a waste of money.

 

If you are afraid of dealing with a therapist (I guess I'm starting to sound like a broken record), try a life coach. They are not as expensive as therapists and they guide you to your goals. If they feel you need more work than they can give then you can consider a therapist.

[MattW]

Eh. Well... I mean, how do you even find a good therapist/ life coach? In the past, I've tried googling the term along with my city, and it seems like all the results are usually far away from me, and/ or I find myself reading what they specialize in and wondering if my issues fall into that. Just seems hard to find a good fit.

 

What would I even say to a therapist? I wouldn't even know how to start, if I went there.

[Slimpee]

 

What would I even say to a therapist? I wouldn't even know how to start, if I went there.

 

Just start by reading the first post of this thread. The professional will take it from there.

[The_Seeker]

Eh. Well... I mean, how do you even find a good therapist/ life coach? In the past, I've tried googling the term along with my city, and it seems like all the results are usually far away from me, and/ or I find myself reading what they specialize in and wondering if my issues fall into that. Just seems hard to find a good fit.

 

What would I even say to a therapist? I wouldn't even know how to start, if I went there.

 

To be honest, you don't need a good therapist or a life coach.

 

What you need is to breathe and figure out who you are first.

 

Grab a pen and paper and write EVERYTHING: Your dreams, your fears, how you want to be love, etc etc and find solutions for each of them on how to solve them.

 

For examples that are mine:

 

My dream is to become a humanitarian. I will continue to volunteer in a homeless shelter for children and work as a volunteer in habitat for humanity. When I become very financially secure and stable, I'll build shelters and improve the educational system in a poor area. ETC Solution: Find the job I enjoy and continue to dedicate my time to community service.

 

My fear of not being love for who I am. The reason I fear so much because every time I date or get into a relationship, I've been cheated on despite the fact I was always thoughtful and respectful. Am I unworthy of being treated kindly? No. Everyone is lovable in their own way and deserving of love. People who treat others unkindly show their true characters and their actions very loudly. Solution: I pray to not to be afraid of anymore. If it comes to me, great. If not, then oh well. I will not one person affect me for the next person.

 

I want to be love by someone showing me respect and tenderness. Showing loyalty. If they do not love me any longer, to let me go completely so someone be willing to step up to the plate. Solution: Speak out my opinion and mind. Don't live my life so quiet anymore. If I don't like how they are treating me, I'll voice it. I tell them my opinion and thoughts. I don't care if they agree or disagree with it. If I can't have that respect and tenderness, then I'm leaving.

 

There you go. You need to find yourself first before you can get into any relationship or else you will be always clouded with negativity and questioning. You need to be firm with who you are. Once you are, you will know your self-worth.

 

Always remember this, "I believe in me. This is has good as it can get." So you don't need to feel compare by her standards, her previous exes, or whatever.

 

Why?

 

Because you already know who you TRULY are and how you handle situations.

[blueidealist24]

Yeah...

 

Plus, I mean, I think it's already a foregone conclusion that I will never find "love" and I'll probably never even get to go on a proper date with someone I'm actually attracted to. So, if my alternative is settling for a life of casual sex, I suppose "settling", in this sense, doesn't have to be so bad. Maybe this is just the best I can really hope for, in life?

 

Heck, now that things seem to be going well with this woman and I'm pretty confident she and I will be hooking up in the very near future, maybe it's time I start looking around for my second sex partner. Hm.

 

While I don't believe you will NEVER have a proper date or relationship, this might be what you need right now. Don't get too far ahead of yourself looking for the second person though. It'll be more risk-free to have only one FWB at once. Plus you don't want to go from being the "good guy" to being the player like those guys you don't like.

[blueidealist24]

Oh, no, I didn't mean it in a "worry about" it kind of way, I just meant that maybe I should be looking for new potential sex partners, become sort of a "juggler of women", get a little hedonistic with it, indulge in the whole casual sex thing, yanno?

 

Didn't see this one. This is exactly what you should avoid - going to the opposite extreme of what you are now, hardly being attracted to anyone.

[Iggy5129]

Stop asking other people for advice. You're constantly searching outside yourself for some magic answer and you're not going to find it. Because no one can tell you. You have to get out of your rut and change your attitude. You have to go out and act differently in the world and actually experience it rather than playing it through in your head.

 

The vibe I get from you is one of complaining with no intent to change yourself. Work on yourself and your attitude towards the world and maybe you'll get somewhere. But I for one can see why girls would not want to date you. You have a victim mentality which is very unattractive to me in a romantic partner or a friend.

[MattW]

Plus you don't want to go from being the "good guy" to being the player like those guys you don't like.

 

Didn't see this one. This is exactly what you should avoid - going to the opposite extreme of what you are now, hardly being attracted to anyone.

 

Eh. Why not? I'm pretty much dead inside, anyway. Maybe that's just who I'm really supposed to be. Clearly, something "real" just isn't in the cards for me, so perhaps that's my sign to start indulging in women in a different way?

[MD Geist]

Its threads like these why I support the idea of "nice guys" who keep struggling with women late into their mid 20's to just go to a Brothel. I'm looking into it because it will give me that "bump" I need. It seems like the idea of wait for the right one is such a lie. It's the most laughable thing I have ever heard.

[penelope13]

You haven't even 'sealed the deal' with this first women, yet you are hyping yourself up to becoming a 'juggler of women'. - This is just setting yourself up for failure because it's quite unlikely that you will become a player overnight.

 

That is a choice you are making and that is something you should and can change about yourself.

[MattW]

You haven't even 'sealed the deal' with this first women, yet you are hyping yourself up to becoming a 'juggler of women'. - This is just setting yourself up for failure because it's quite unlikely that you will become a player overnight.

 

Well, I'm not trying to "become a player overnight". Really, I'm not planning to be the kind of guy that deceives and/ or manipulates women. I just feel like there's no sense in me to not have some kind of intimacy with women if I can't date the "right" way. In other words, if my options are "never have a relationship" and "have casual sex with women", the latter is much more appealing.

 

Honestly, I think I'm starting to understand why "players" pursue what they pursue. I don't agree with many of their methods (and again, I don't plan on partaking in those methods myself), but I get it. When there's no possibility of finding a relationship, why not just have some "fun" with women?

[The_Seeker]

Well, I'm not trying to "become a player overnight". Really, I'm not planning to be the kind of guy that deceives and/ or manipulates women. I just feel like there's no sense in me to not have some kind of intimacy with women if I can't date the "right" way. In other words, if my options are "never have a relationship" and "have casual sex with women", the latter is much more appealing.

 

Honestly, I think I'm starting to understand why "players" pursue what they pursue. I don't agree with many of their methods (and again, I don't plan on partaking in those methods myself), but I get it. When there's no possibility of finding a relationship, why not just have some "fun" with women?

 

Just make sure you are UPFRONT from the very beginning instead of being deceptive.

[blueidealist24]

Well, I'm not trying to "become a player overnight". Really, I'm not planning to be the kind of guy that deceives and/ or manipulates women. I just feel like there's no sense in me to not have some kind of intimacy with women if I can't date the "right" way. In other words, if my options are "never have a relationship" and "have casual sex with women", the latter is much more appealing.

 

Honestly, I think I'm starting to understand why "players" pursue what they pursue. I don't agree with many of their methods (and again, I don't plan on partaking in those methods myself), but I get it. When there's no possibility of finding a relationship, why not just have some "fun" with women?

 

I guess if you're up-front it's ok. You may decide that you enjoy having sex with one woman more though. It may not be as fun as you think to have sex with a bunch.

[MattW]

*sigh* Well, for the second time in a row, this woman has had to cancel our lunch date. Before, she canceled because it was the first week of school for her kids, and things were a bit hectic for her. Today, she says she's not feeling well because she caught something from her daughter. We've tentatively rescheduled for Monday.

 

I'm starting to wonder if I'm getting "toyed with" here, though, or if this has just been a series of unfortunate coincidences. It's kind of weird, though, because she doesn't seem uninterested... We still keep writing to each other, and we still seem to be on good terms; I think if she were trying to blow me off, she'd probably just cut all contact. She keeps setting these dates with me, and heck, I even checked with her last night to see if we were still on for today, and she said yes at the time. Not to mention, over the weekend, she and I had an extremely "steamy" IM conversation, so she can't be that offput by me, right?

 

I dunno. From our admittedly limited contact we've had thus far, she seems pretty cool, and I'm starting to establish a basic level of trust for her. Plus, well, I'd honestly really like to have sex with her, to put it bluntly. Aside from the metaphorical "blue balls" this keeps leaving me with, I'd honestly just like to meet her at all, go to lunch, and see what she's like. I'm just starting to wonder if anything is actually going to materialize out of this, at this point.

 

Part of me wants to be patient and see this through. But part of me is questioning whether or not I should start thinking about washing my hands of this woman and walking away from it completely. But then where does that leave me? It took me so long to find this woman, and I've already gotten further with her than anyone else, really. So if I give up on this and walk away, I'm just going back to nothing, slumming around on the Internet for several more months to *maybe* find another woman to get together with.

 

Blah, I dunno. This is so frustrating. I guess I'll see what happens on Monday.

[solamente]

i have been where you are and done what you are 'threatening' to do. i was about 29 when i decided i was truly fed up with waiting for a meaningful relationship (which, to me, leads to marriage). i started having sex with whomever i wanted to. there was a lot of fun and pleasure involved, i cannot lie. and i did meet one person with whom i had a five-year relationship. we were never meant to be long-term, which i knew from the beginning, but i got involved anyway by telling myself i would quit him after 6 months (if he didn't quit me first).

 

anyway, there is no way to give you the words to describe how i felt about myself after 15 years of living that life: how people (family mainly) thought and felt about me, how there was no real fulfillment in the end, how it really didn't ever give me any lasting satisfaction, how my whole life ended up shattered and broken. all because i started down a trip of 'casual and meaningless' sex.

 

but there is no such thing as casual sex. that is a lie. while you think you may know something about it by looking at others, you really have no clue. furthermore, to determine that your life is only important based on whether or not you have a mate of some sort is extremely unhealthy and destructive.

 

you will do what you will do, no matter what anyone else says. most times we have to make your own mistakes and live through the hell of the consequences to learn anything. and you can be sure that there are/will be consequences which you cannot predict or foresee, and of which you have no control over.

[MattW]

If I can get away from the subject of the woman I'm looking to have casual sex with and bring something else up about the girl I really like(d) and her ex that's a mutual acquaintance...

 

The other day, during some banter, the two of them said something to me that struck a nerve with me. I know I shouldn't take it too seriously, but it still bothered me, and I couldn't quite figure out why.

 

Then it kind of occurred to me that I felt extremely disrespected by said joke. Now, I knew this guy long before I ever met her, and from the day I met him, I could tell he didn't respect me, that he thinks he's better than me, and that's a big part of the reason I hate him so much.

 

That's also a big part of the reason I felt so hurt to know that she would give him a chance but not me. Someone disrespectful like him... So, after this comment the other day, I'm starting to wonder if she doesn't respect me, either.

 

That makes me feel angry and hurt. To be honest, that's where a lot of the anger I feel towards people comes from, I feel like nobody respects me, nobody thinks I'm worth anything, regardless of how much I try to prove myself to them.

 

Which brings me to another point. Earlier, some of you chastised me when you (incorrectly) thought I said people need to prove themselves to me. I agree that that's wrong, but then why is the reverse not true? Why is it that I have to constantly prove my work to everyone else, and why is it that I can't ever be good enough for anyone? It makes me very angry to constantly feel disrespected by everyone, but I don't know how to change that.

[blueidealist24]

Women with kids are often busy. Normally I'd say not to give her another chance, but since you said she has kids and you're really into the idea of sleeping with her, I'd say give her one more. If she cancels a third time, I'd think she was just toying with you or just wanting to have dirty conversations.

[penelope13]

Can you give examples how you think people are disrespectful towards you?

[MattW]

Can you give examples how you think people are disrespectful towards you?

 

Off the top of my head, I don't have specific examples, but just in general, I'm often the butt of the joke, people will make backhanded comments to me (sometimes claiming to be in a "joking" way), people often make judgments and assumptions about me that typically involve me being incapable or useless, people tend to overlook me or take advantage of me any way they can. In general, I feel like everyone looks at me for what I'm not, as opposed to what I am. People don't look at me, for example, and think "He's a sweet, caring guy with a warm personality and a sharp wit", they seem to think "He's small, he's not "exciting", he's quiet, he probably can't do this, he probably can't do that, etc.". Again, it seems like everyone sees me for what I'm not (and/ or what I can't do), and no one really pays attention to me for the good qualities I do have.

[LoveSoDeep]

Matt I'm sorry but this only because you LET them overlook you and walk all over you. Your victim mentality makes you a target for their jokes...and honestly they probably are joking a good portion of the time so you also need to lighten up and not take everything so seriously.

 

If you want people to notice how great you are you have to not be afraid to show them. You want them to think you are capable and smart...you have to SHOW them you are. That requires effort and ambition you could do with a good shot of both.

[penelope13]

In general, I feel like everyone looks at me for what I'm not, as opposed to what I am. People don't look at me, for example, and think "He's a sweet, caring guy with a warm personality and a sharp wit", they seem to think "He's small, he's not "exciting", he's quiet, he probably can't do this, he probably can't do that, etc.". Again, it seems like everyone sees me for what I'm not (and/ or what I can't do), and no one really pays attention to me for the good qualities I do have.

 

How do you know that is what people think? -Could that not be conjecture on your part?

 

Are you sure that you are not setting yourself up with self fulfilling prophesies by assuming everyone is disliking you and actively disrespecting you?

 

 

i'm not trying to assign 'blame', but trying to figure out if you are contributing (even unknowingly) to the situation. if there was anything that you may be contributing - then that is something you could try to do differently in the future.

[MattW]

Matt I'm sorry but this only because you LET them overlook you and walk all over you. Your victim mentality makes you a target for their jokes...and honestly they probably are joking a good portion of the time so you also need to lighten up and not take everything so seriously.

 

Perhaps, but I just get the sense that people talk down to me a lot, and that irritates me. I can typically tell when people are joking, and honestly, I enjoy playful teasing, but there are certain things that will strike a nerve with me, and those times, it usually feels a little more personal.

 

If you want people to notice how great you are you have to not be afraid to show them. You want them to think you are capable and smart...you have to SHOW them you are. That requires effort and ambition you could do with a good shot of both.

 

But how do I do that? I mean, I do what I can, but I don't often see many opportunities to demonstrate anything. And when there are moments where I can demonstrate my good qualities, people don't seem to remember them very well; but god forbid I make a mistake or do something stupid, I never live it down.