A guy approached me on the street?

[Cherry009]

Going to see a band is not an ideal first date, how can you get to know someone in a loud, busy club? I think the OP is better off meeting him for a drink first earlier in the evening and then if they 'click' she can go onto the club with him later.

 

10.30 is late depending on where you live. If the club is in town/the city and she doesnt live nearby getting home could be hard. You cant judge someones opinion unless you know their situation.

[Blue Spiral]

I hope you guys can appreciate that women are subject to a lot of violence from men - rape, kidnapping, murder, etc. a woman has to put her personal safety above the feelings of a stranger.

 

I agree 100%, which is why I never approach women in public--my own personal safety. Just as women have to worry about physical danger, men have to worry about legal danger (and, to a lesser extent, physical danger, i.e. a woman freaking out for no reason and some white knight swooping in). A single misunderstanding or accusation can ruin a man's life. I'm sure I've made a few women feel rejected, but it's just not worth the risk.

[itsallgrand]

I like lostandhurt's suggestion.

 

You don't know anything about him, except that you find him physically attractive. So I totally understand not wanting to meet up later in the eve to watch a band (probably with lots of his friends etc there) and what is essentially "his turf".

 

So send him a text and suggest something else if you would like to. I don't necessarily think his intent is bad. He could very well be a normal, every day guy.

 

But I do understand not wanting to go.

[annie24]

I agree 100%, which is why I never approach women in public--my own personal safety. Just as women have to worry about physical danger, men have to worry about legal danger (and, to a lesser extent, physical danger, i.e. a woman freaking out for no reason and some white knight swooping in). A single misunderstanding or accusation can ruin a man's life. I'm sure I've made a few women feel rejected, but it's just not worth the risk.

 

Well, as long as you're not raping, kidnapping, or murdering women, there shouldn't be much of a misunderstanding.

[Ms Darcy]

I shy away from it, too. This thread reminds me of another recent thread where a woman was complaining about how she was out and about but never met any men, and was wondering where they all were. They are out there, but obviously it is hard to go up and talk to a woman you don't know if it is going to be perceived as "weird" when you do so.

 

Just the fact that the OP put "cold approach" in scare quotes shows ya, as a guy, what you are up against. And your delivery has to be impeccable, because if you are nervous then you are an unconfident chump, but if you are too smooth then you might have done it before, and then you might be a pick up artist and therefore not to be trusted.

 

I think if a guy can't "get" why asking a woman who is a stranger to go a club, where he may be drinking, at 10:30p at night can be worrisome to the woman then "cold approaching" women isn't his biggest problem. It's insensitivity.

 

Problem solved if he agrees to do something earlier in the day and in public.

 

By the way, I don't go out to clubs at night alone. I rarely go to clubs at all, but if I do it is with friends/my boyfriend.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree 100%, which is why I never approach women in public--my own personal safety. Just as women have to worry about physical danger, men have to worry about legal danger (and, to a lesser extent, physical danger, i.e. a woman freaking out for no reason and some white knight swooping in). A single misunderstanding or accusation can ruin a man's life. I'm sure I've made a few women feel rejected, but it's just not worth the risk.

 

In no way is this comparable. The risk of being sued/arrested for asking a woman out on a "cold approach" (assuming "asking her out" doesn't equal raping her) is much less than a woman being assaulted.

 

Just an FYI.

[dark angel9]

Put it this way. I date A LOT. I have never been asked to meet anyone at 10:30pm, unless we were dating for a while. This is not something that regularly happens.

 

There is another minor detail too. I asked him how old he was. After a pause, he said 37. Then he said he was born in 1977. That doesn't make him 37. Who doesn't know their age?

 

I am going to follow my instincts on this one and let him go.

[browneyedgirl36]

It's funny -- I'm usually the one saying a resounding "NO!" to stuff like this; I'm all about being vigilant to avoid dicey situations, and thus have never been in one, but...hear me out here:

 

1) 10:30 isn't late for a Friday night at a music venue at all, really. In fairness to him, he asked her for coffee first, and she didn't have time.

 

2) If she MEETS him there -- i.e. gets her own transportation -- she doesn't have to worry about the awkwardness of him offering her a ride home (and expectations that it might entail) OR, if he IS a bad guy, him kidnapping her and doing something bad to her after she gets in his car with him;

 

3) It's a public place. As long as she stays in that public place, she should be fine, and she can leave anytime she wants to. I think the suggestion to bring a friend, though, is a good one.

 

If the OP is feeling nervous about this, she might tell him, "Hey, I'd like to meet up, but I can't do Friday night. Can we meet for lunch or dinner next week?" That way, she can show her interest in him AND not do anything she's not comfortable doing.

 

As for the "cold approach"...honestly, I generally don't like it, but that's because when it's been done to me, there's nearly always been something "off" about the guy who approached -- i.e. the one who sneaked up behind me (I swear, I have NO idea where he came from -- there weren't many people around, and I never saw him -- but suddenly, he was RIGHT there) and immediately, before even asking my name, wanted to take me out for coffee. This was after barely a sentence of dialogue exchanged. Or, the guy who approached me in a park, engaged me in conversation, then asked if I could drive him home (!) as he lived nearby. He wanted me to drive him home and then come into his house for some "tea." Yeah, right. I told him I was going the opposite direction from his house and that I could not drive him home. I've only had one "cold approach" that I think was a good experience, but the guy was REALLY young -- we're talking I could be his mom kind of young -- and I wasn't interested.

 

I admire guys who put themselves out there in this way and approach women. Honestly, I'd rather saw off my left arm than approach a guy I think is attractive and ask him out, which is probably part of the reason I'm still single. Thus, I give major kudos to guys who do this. Just do it in an appropriate place (NOT in a parking lot or at an ATM machine or a dark parking garage!) and introduce yourself; don't just say "Hi! You're beautiful! Wanna go out with me?!" (and yes, I've had that happen). Engage her in some conversation first -- i.e. if you're in a store, talk to her about the product she's looking at, or ask her a question about something. If you're in a coffee shop in line, ask her how her day is going. And, for the love of all that is holy, do NOT approach her with anything like "Hey Sexy!" or even mention her appearance. This is a HUGE red flag for me because it makes me think the guy has no interest in getting to know me -- and that he really doesn't care what kind of person I am, just what I look like. Remember fellas, that uber-hot lady you approach could be a really, really awful person in a really attractive body, so talking to her a bit before asking her out (better yet, talking to her AND getting her number so that you can continue the discussion in a phone call) might alert you to potential craziness, thus saving you a LOT of grief.

[browneyedgirl36]

Put it this way. I date A LOT. I have never been asked to meet anyone at 10:30pm, unless we were dating for a while. This is not something that regularly happens.

 

There is another minor detail too. I asked him how old he was. After a pause, he said 37. Then he said he was born in 1977. That doesn't make him 37. Who doesn't know their age?

 

I am going to follow my instincts on this one and let him go.

 

OK, yeah, having read this, I'd say NO to this one. One of the ways bouncers at bars check for fake ID's is to ask people, "How old are you?" followed by "What's your birthdate?" (or vice versa) If someone doesn't know both of those things immediately -- or gets at all confused -- that would be a red flag, especially at his age!

 

I was born in 1970. I'll be 43 this year. No math required, really.

[dark angel9]

OK, yeah, having read this, I'd say NO to this one. One of the ways bouncers at bars check for fake ID's is to ask people, "How old are you?" followed by "What's your birthdate?" (or vice versa) If someone doesn't know both of those things immediately -- or gets at all confused -- that would be a red flag, especially at his age!

 

I was born in 1970. I'll be 43 this year. No math required, really.

 

Yes...your age or year of birth is not something you just forget. Unless you lie about it.

[Blue Spiral]

Well, as long as you're not raping, kidnapping, or murdering women, there shouldn't be much of a misunderstanding.

 

You'd be surprised, actually. Women are a protected class; men aren't. There's no "Violence Against Men Act". Whenever power exists, people will find a way to take advantage of it, whether it's in civil court (divorce stuff) or criminal court. Women have more legal power than men in several areas of society, right now, and I'm sure you'll find a way to take advantage of it, just like we (unfairly) did in previous times.

[MyNinja]

Ok he lied about his age by like a year or so depending on what month he was born....who does that and why??? After reading this entire thread I was thinking that you should meet up somewhere, like the coffee shop and get better acquainted before heading to the band, but now I say don't do it. Him lying about his age raises several red flags . Not a good way to start.

[Batya33]

Put it this way. I date A LOT. I have never been asked to meet anyone at 10:30pm, unless we were dating for a while. This is not something that regularly happens.

 

There is another minor detail too. I asked him how old he was. After a pause, he said 37. Then he said he was born in 1977. That doesn't make him 37. Who doesn't know their age?

 

I am going to follow my instincts on this one and let him go.

 

That is strange but why lie by one year?

[poetryandlyrics]

Put it this way. I date A LOT. I have never been asked to meet anyone at 10:30pm, unless we were dating for a while. This is not something that regularly happens.

 

There is another minor detail too. I asked him how old he was. After a pause, he said 37. Then he said he was born in 1977. That doesn't make him 37. Who doesn't know their age?

 

I am going to follow my instincts on this one and let him go.

 

I don't see a problem with this? I forget my age sometimes. Not horribly, but sometimes I think I'm still last year's age or something. And I don't see him lying with the year of 1977. He could be a very late birthday or he mixed up his age due to memory and the year is right.

[annie24]

1977 would make him 36. 37 is only a year off. I've started doing this myself.

[needhelp6]

I don't see a problem with this? I forget my age sometimes. Not horribly, but sometimes I think I'm still last year's age or something. And I don't see him lying with the year of 1977. He could be a very early birthday or he mixed up his age due to memory and the year is right.

I'm not saying to go out with the guy, however, I too forget my age ALL THE TIME and typically have to think about it. I'd say that in someone asked me out of the blue what my age is, I'd get it wrong 50% of the time. Birth-date I'll nail every time.

 

This is good info as I'm starting to date around more now and have often seen an attractive woman and thought, "should I approach her?"

[annie24]

You'd be surprised, actually. Women are a protected class; men aren't. There's no "Violence Against Men Act". Whenever power exists, people will find a way to take advantage of it, whether it's in civil court (divorce stuff) or criminal court. Women have more legal power than men in several areas of society, right now, and I'm sure you'll find a way to take advantage of it, just like we (unfairly) did in previous times.

 

I won't get into a political debate because that is not allowed here. But I think if you look at the laws, you will see that women aren't guaranteed other protections. The equal rights amendment has never passed in the US. Anyway, this is a safety concern for women - meeting strange men out at night. Some women are more careful or have different risk tolerances than others.

[Throwaway999]

I don't see a problem with this? I forget my age sometimes. Not horribly, but sometimes I think I'm still last year's age or something. And I don't see him lying with the year of 1977. He could be a very late birthday or he mixed up his age due to memory and the year is right.

 

1977 would make him 36. 37 is only a year off. I've started doing this myself.

 

This is kind of nice to hear. I'm sure there are plenty of women who have been assaulted or who have a justifiable reason to be wary. But it is kind of depressing how in a dating situation, anything you do and say can and will be used against you. In the most negative light possible!

 

I don't know this guy, I wasn't there, and the OP should probably trust her instincts. There may be things she didn't articulate in her post that were giving her a bad vibe. But: everybody filters the posts on this forum through their own experience, and mine is that asking a woman I had just had a conversation about music with to meet me at a show like this might very well be something I would do. As a guy who often doesn't even leave the house to go to a show on a Friday night until 10:30 (the first band will start around then, the band you might actually want to see won't start until 11:30!) it doesn't seem odd to me at all.

 

Getting his age wrong? Maybe the guy is just dopey, or maybe his "cold approach" made him nervous.

 

But it is kind of disheartening that for these couple of things, he is viewed as looking to add to the moldering torso collection in his crawlspace. Especially since the OP said she even found the guy attractive! I mean, I thought a woman would cut you some slack if she was attracted to you. But, no dice.

[Sportster2005]

Today I was walking to work and listening to the music when an attractive guy walked up beside me and asked me what I am listening to.

 

So he made some small talk and I realized that I am being "cold approached". He asked me to have coffee with him somewhere and I didn't have time.

 

Then he asked if I am free Friday night, I said yes - I found him physically attractive. Then he said to meet him at 10:30pm on Friday to watch a band with him. He also gave me his number. I am leaning towards a NO. I mean, 10:30pm is a bit late and I am not looking for casual sex. And approach on the street is just weird.

 

I just want to double check. Am I jumping to conclusions?

 

Just phone him and ask him if he would mind doing something else. Like something simple like a coffee. Talk to him a bit on the phone. Get a better feel for the situation. I doubt it's nothing more than a man who found you attractive and wants to get to know you better and had the gumption to talk to you. If that's weird I'm one twisted weirdo then.

[browneyedgirl36]

1977 would make him 36. 37 is only a year off. I've started doing this myself.

 

I haven't actually started forgetting -- I've just been TRYING to forget. Sometimes, I convince myself I'm still 39.

[ForeverYoung]

It sounds like familiar story to me.

Here is what I have to say:

a) Know your intentions. If you want a short-term adventure, go for it. If you are more like the type if you like him, so tell him so. Then keep in the hook (no sex) for several encounters. If he is really into you he will be sitting there waiting and you will get to know if he is long-term material.

 

Today I was walking to work and listening to the music when an attractive guy walked up beside me and asked me what I am listening to.

 

So he made some small talk and I realized that I am being "cold approached". He asked me to have coffee with him somewhere and I didn't have time.

 

Then he asked if I am free Friday night, I said yes - I found him physically attractive. Then he said to meet him at 10:30pm on Friday to watch a band with him. He also gave me his number. I am leaning towards a NO. I mean, 10:30pm is a bit late and I am not looking for casual sex. And approach on the street is just weird.

 

I just want to double check. Am I jumping to conclusions?

[ForeverYoung]

Right, but how is that different or safer from an online dating thing approach? So instead of people paying attention around and right there give a chance for the good men approach you, we now have a strange society where women are not even relaxing and letting the good guy invite them to go out on the spot.

 

 

I hope you guys can appreciate that women are subject to a lot of violence from men - rape, kidnapping, murder, etc. a woman has to put her personal safety above the feelings of a stranger.

[annie24]

Right, but how is that different or safer from an online dating thing approach? So instead of people paying attention around and right there give a chance for the good men approach you, we now have a strange society where women are not even relaxing and letting the good guy invite them to go out on the spot.

 

I give the guy props for having the courage to approach her and ask her out. That's great. I'm not saying that he and other men should stop approaching women - but they just have to recognize the safety concerns of women and why we may not want to go on a late night date with a guy we've never met.... etc...

 

link removed

 

here, this is funny. watch this.

[Cherry009]

OP just out of interest why don't you want to call the guy and ask to meet for a drink or coffee another time?

[dark angel9]

OP just out of interest why don't you want to call the guy and ask to meet for a drink or coffee another time?

 

I texted and told him that I don't feel comfortable in meeting him that late, given that I don't know him. He told me that he finishes work at 10:30 on Friday but he can do Monday at 7:30 instead... (he didn't offer the weekend). So we are having drinks then.

 

I just have this bad feeling, like he is married or something...