My boyfriend has been lying to me about smoking weed

[Fudgie]

You're just incompatible. Hope you apply the same strictness towards people who drink alcohol because that is way worse than weed when you have experience with both.

 

Agreed. There are people who go out and get smashed every weekend and while it's socially acceptable, it's arguably worse.

[pl3asehelp]

Agreed. There are people who go out and get smashed every weekend and while it's socially acceptable, it's arguably worse.

 

Where I live in CA, weed is more socially acceptable. People realize you don't develop a physical dependence on it and it mellows people out as opposed to some people who get mean and violent when they drink, which never happens with weed. Colorado and Washington as well and I'm sure more states to follow. Times are changing for good reason.

[itsallgrand]

Oh dear. Now you are mommy and he is the kid sneaking behind your back.

 

These things never work.

 

I had a buddy who snuck around to smoke some pot now and again behind his gfs back for a good long while. Why'd he do it and not just come out and smoke it in front of her? He knew it would be a big deal to her. Big enough for huge argument, and maybe a solid break up. Do I think it was wrong of him to hide it? For sure. If smoking weed now and again is his biggest vice (and it is), a lot of women will accept that. She won't. Better to just make a clean break of it because those are some compatibility issues that go beyond the weed. Their lifestyles were very dissimiliar too.

 

Betting yours are too. It's not the lie that bugs you, that is the topper. It bothers you what he values and what he thinks is ok to do. And he thinks smoking pot is ok.

 

For the future, it truly is a better bet going with someone who has never used or had a problem with something you have a problem with (especially when you have a zero tolerance policy) than a 'reformed, changed my ways and lifestyle' person because..not because people can't change...but because actions usually spring from character and values, y'know?!

[DN]

Both weed and tobacco can be addictive - it is dangerous to believe otherwise.

[pl3asehelp]

Both weed and tobacco can be addictive - it is dangerous to believe otherwise.

 

Coffee, television, and sugar are addictive too. As long as you don't abuse these things to the point they negatively impact your life, what's so dangerous? I've smoked weed for 25 years and am perfectly satisfied with my life. I'm very healthy, have a loving wife and kids, and a great career.

[DN]

Coffee, television, and sugar are addictive too. As long as you don't abuse these things to the point they negatively impact your life, what's so dangerous? I've smoked weed for 25 years and am perfectly satisfied with my life. I'm very healthy, have a loving wife and kids, and a great career.

That's great for you but about 10% of users of weed do become addicted chemically, others psychologically and many others suffer from loss of function and depression.

 

Addiction is not a simple matter of you are or you are not.

[Fudgie]

Where I live in CA, weed is more socially acceptable. People realize you don't develop a physical dependence on it and it mellows people out as opposed to some people who get mean and violent when they drink, which never happens with weed. Colorado and Washington as well and I'm sure more states to follow. Times are changing for good reason.

 

Yeah I'm glad about things changing. When I was in college, I remember preferring to be around high people than drunk people, for a variety of reasons. Still the same now. And I've never heard of acts of vandalism caused by weed. Can't say that about alcohol. I used to walk down certain streets on Sunday afternoons and see windows smashed in on houses that were fine on Friday. Practically everyone drank at my college because if you got caught with weed in that certain state (not my own) it was an instant misdemeanor.

 

DN,

 

Lots of people get addicted to alcohol. They say 1 out of 10 people in college come out with some sort of "drinking problem", while not necessarily alcoholism, but they can have an unhealthy relationship to alcohol and can abuse it. I do think people can get psychologically addicted to weed (I knew a guy like this, felt like he could never have/be happy without his weed) but lots and lots of people get hooked on alcohol. And unlike weed, the withdrawal from alcohol can kill you. I see it all the time at my job. Some people with alcohol withdrawal turn insane and violent and end up drugged and tied to their beds with restraints.

 

There's nothing wrong with not wanting someone who smokes. Just like there's nothing wrong with not wanting someone who drinks.

 

I do take issue though, with being very against someone smoking 2-3x a year, preferring that they drink until they barf/get drunk at "parties" 1-2x a month. To me, that is very naive and anyone who thinks that way is asking for trouble....that's an unhealthy thing to do, physically and psychologically. It's like dating someone who shoots up heroin but you say "Well at least he's not smoking tobacco!!"

[DN]

Lots of people get addicted to alcohol. They say 1 out of 10 people in college come out with some sort of "drinking problem", while not necessarily alcoholism, but they can have an unhealthy relationship to alcohol and can abuse it. I do think people can get psychologically addicted to weed (I knew a guy like this, felt like he could never have/be happy without his weed) but lots and lots of people get hooked on alcohol. And unlike weed, the withdrawal from alcohol can kill you. I see it all the time at my job. Some people with alcohol withdrawal turn insane and violent and end up drugged and tied to their beds with restraints.

Obviousy some addictions are worse than others, but because one is worse that doesn't render the other harmless.

[Fudgie]

No, but you can argue for all of these things that you can use it safely and responsibly. Alcohol, weed, all can be used responsibly. If he's truthful about only smoking a few times times a year, that's hardly an addiction.

 

She is still free to leave him though. She should be aware that him smoking a few times a year is the same as someone drinking a lota few times a year. You're still intoxicated, just a different drug.

 

Another thing the OP can can consider is if he's truthful about his usage and is doing it very rarely, then she can choose to turn a blind eye. But set ground rules like don't tell me about it, don't be high near me or smoke near me, etc.

 

My last ex B was very against hard liquor. He felt it was too much. I love hard liquor. He knew it.. Out of respect for him I didn't drink near him or tell him about it but I didn't lie either. He asked me not to. Worked for us.

[Alone Now]

I think the bigger question is this. What else has he lied to you about? And what lies did you have to drag out of him before he confessed? That is a sign of a weak man!

[abitbroken]

I think the bigger question is this. What else has he lied to you about? And what lies did you have to drag out of him before he confessed? That is a sign of a weak man!

 

 

BUT I think the big issue is that he gave such a big song and dance about thinking weed was a negative lifestyle when he met her when he actually smoked it. If she knew the truth up front she would never have dated him. He sold her a false set of goods, basically. And now they are having an issue with something she was very clear that she didn't tolerate in the first place. I don't think it matters what ELSE he lied about. This lie is big enough. if he sincerely wasn't blowing snow and really wanted to be a non weed smoker to win her heart, he would have done it.

 

We can debate that weed really isn't bad til the cows come home, but I don't buy it = false and blatant misrepresentation i this case is a huge insult to her.

[Stay_home]

Dump the weedhead.

[Fudgie]

I'm still unclear on whether or not he lied about smoking going into the relationship, which is very wrong, or maybe he didn't smoke in the beginning of the relationship so he didn't lie, but he changed his mind later and started smoking infrequently.

 

Which is it? Sorry if I missed it.

[crystal15]

How do you know he's smoking weed? What if he was testing you? You never know anything so just go with what your heart tells you.

 

[Alone Now]

BUT I think the big issue is that he gave such a big song and dance about thinking weed was a negative lifestyle when he met her when he actually smoked it. If she knew the truth up front she would never have dated him. He sold her a false set of goods, basically. And now they are having an issue with something she was very clear that she didn't tolerate in the first place. I don't think it matters what ELSE he lied about. This lie is big enough. if he sincerely wasn't blowing snow and really wanted to be a non weed smoker to win her heart, he would have done it.

 

We can debate that weed really isn't bad til the cows come home, but I don't buy it = false and blatant misrepresentation i this case is a huge insult to her.

 

I couldn't agree with you more! He obviously misrepresented himself. It is EXACTLY like saying that he didn't have a girlfriend, but actually did in a LDR. A lie is a lie! The OP needs to run away as fast as she can. And unless she has such low esteem that forgiving this liar is an option, she will decide to end things and go NC if needed.

[amipushy]

I couldn't agree with you more! He obviously misrepresented himself. It is EXACTLY like saying that he didn't have a girlfriend, but actually did in a LDR. A lie is a lie! The OP needs to run away as fast as she can. And unless she has such low esteem that forgiving this liar is an option, she will decide to end things and go NC if needed.

 

Sorry but how ridiculous to compare having a smoke with someone living a double life. Its more like the man who calls in a bar for a beer on the way home from work and denies it when he gets home, which many people do to avoid a fight or have an easy life.

[Alone Now]

Sorry but how ridiculous to compare having a smoke with someone living a double life. Its more like the man who calls in a bar for a beer on the way home from work and denies it when he gets home, which many people do to avoid a fight or have an easy life.

 

A lie is a lie! Part of being in a relationship is to be able to put all your cards on the table.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

I haven't read the whole thread, however in my opinion I don't think smoking pot a couple times in a year a deal breaker.

 

I will be the first to say I hate pot with a passion. Never liked it and my ex always smoked it and we fought about it all the time. He lied as well. The difference was he smoked it almost daily and was a pothead with no goals and ambition in life. The lying is not cool... But I see why he does. He doesn't want to fight and you told him he is "not allowed" to. Who wants to date their mother?

 

I think as long as its not all the time and maybe just once in a blue moon, you should be more accepting of it. I know many people of all walks of life that like to smoke every now and then. It doesn't hurt anyone if its done occasionally. Just like alcohol. Moderation is key. As long as its bit being abused.

 

And well, if you don't want to accept it perhaps its not the relationship for you.

[abitbroken]

Sorry but how ridiculous to compare having a smoke with someone living a double life. Its more like the man who calls in a bar for a beer on the way home from work and denies it when he gets home, which many people do to avoid a fight or have an easy life.

 

There is a difference between someone knowing someone drinks and knew that going into it and doesn't like it, versus someone who told the person "oh, beer is the devil. You never would catch me drinking. No need to worry." and then sneaks it or goes out with his friends to places she doesn't know about. For some people including me, smoking weed is a dealbreaker and I wouldn't have gotten to the second date with the guy - but he sold her on a false set of goods KNOWING it was a dealbreaker to her. It could be snake charming or eating jello - whatever the dealbreaker was she was CLEAR up front about it and instead of admitting it and letting her say NEXT or giving her a choice if she could tolerate it, he lied.

[Miss Firecracker]

He is what he is. Many people pretend to be a better person than what they are to get a mate. If he had told you the truth, would you have dated him? You will never trust this guy. If you can't learn to live with that, you should get out of the relationship. I have had a relationship without trust for decades. Mine has lasted, but I certainly wouldn't do it again.

[DN]

Let's leave the issue of weed aside for a moment and talk about the lying.

 

When you lie about something that you know is important to a partner (or near-partner) this isn't just a 'white lie' - this is something that you know is or could well be a deal-breaker for them and so you are continuing, or entering into the relationship, by trying to deceive them.

 

It doesn't matter if you think whatever the issue is trivial and therefore lying about it is also trivial and shouldn't matter. You should have the respect for this person to accept that it is important to them, and that you are misleading them into thinking you are someone you are not.