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Alone Now

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  1. I missed you today and spent the entire day thinking about you. And I wonder if you think about me. Have I even crossed your mind? Do you have the urge to pick up the phone and call? Or to text? I think about you more and more, your presence will not fade. I have gotten some advice on ENA about you. And me. And MW. I think I need to really consider if I have been a good enough friend to you. The consensus is that I should just walk away from you and be done. But you deserve more. You deserve better. I'm going to try and sort things out and I hope when it is all said and done, I can be a better friend to you. I do love you J. I know I do. But I don't know in what capacity. But I want to be your friend, I look for guidance on how to be that kind of friend to you.
  2. I was suppose to go to a concert with a girl friend tonight, but I couldn't manage to go. I hate feeling like I need to babysit someone else at a show. J, with you I could always relax at concerts. I could dance and be happy and goofy and you encouraged that behavior. It's like when we were at the MF show in Athens back in April. We were having such a good time until we both saw MW in the crowd and then I had to clam up. I so wish we could go see them again, they are playing this weekend in South Carolina. I need that relaxation that I find with you. I felt safe, loved, joyful, at peace, excited and relaxed. Id I decide to end our friendship, I will miss feeling safe and relaxed the most when I was with you.
  3. I am certain I will write more tonight, but I need to write this right now. J, I miss you, I find myself thinking of you all the time since I went NC on you. I want to tell you all the things, big and small, that have occurred in the last couple of days. I woke up this morning hoping to see a text from you or an email and of course there was none to be found. When I think of this NC I get an odd feeling in my stomach and a burning sensation over my entire being. Why am I being so subborn> Why have I placed MW in such high regard. I thought about it and yes, MW was a major contributor to the drama between yo and me. He wasn't directly tell ing me things, but he was in the back of my mind as if telling me to pick either you or him. Why can't I have both? I am going out to a concert with a girl friend and I am certain we will talk about both you and MW. She thinks you are a sweet wonderful kind gentle man. She hates MW. Why then, do I feel the need to defend him? More when I get home. And for the record, the name of the song I mentioned last night/ this morning is called "Call Me And I Will Set You Free". I called the radio station's hot line after I posted it. Darn it I wish I could post the song here!
  4. The end of another day of NC and the beginning of another. I was racked with thoughts of you today J. I was desperate to find justification for going NC on you and probably, ending our friendship. I accept the fact that I will always be hung out to dry by MW, but it is a sickness that I simply can't break right now. Someday maybe. But I can't understand why it should affect our deal. I tried to justify it anyway I could and I got really hard towards you because I do care about you. You are probably the only one who can frustrate me and make me laugh and yes, even cry. I am pushing you away because I am afraid of you and the bond that we have. And so I decided this is for the best. Music is as important to me as the air we breathe. I was fine with my decision until I heard that song tonight. And I listened to it again on the CD you made for me. Listening to the words, I found peace because whoever wrote it was speaking to me. You are my friend. You are the one I feel most comfortable turning to when I need someone to talk to or vent. Why then, is there so much drama? Or am I creating the drama as a way not to get too close to you and keep MW right by my side. I cried listening to the song again and again because I can feel the pain the composer was feeling. I can understand their uncertainty. I wish I were stronger, I would call you or text you right now because I miss you and I want us to be OK. But not at the expense of MW. What the hell is wrong with me. I wish I could figure out how to put the song on this site. I think everyone could benefit from it when they are struggling. Call Me Baby If you need a helping hand If you need someone to call You can call on me – And I will set you free If you need a little advice Or you just want to shed a tear Let them fall on me – And I will set you free I will, I will set you free I will, I will set you free When you need someone to talk to And lift that weight upon your shoulders You can lean on me Yea, yea And I will set you free Oh, that’s what friends are for So don’t you worry any more I’ll be right here, let me make it clear baby Just call my name, call my name And I’ll be there When Love’s got you down And no one else is around Just come on by, come on by And I will set you free Cause I know what it’s like Yes, I’ve been down before Yes, it’s true, yes it’s true That I can call on you Love can swim to the core Take your love and pound it down Smash it on the ground I’m telling you baby, Did you love her? Did you treat her right? Did you show the side of you? That I see, Yes, I see When you got so much love to give And they don’t know you’re alive Just come to me, come to me And I will set you free Cause I know what it’s like Yes, I’ve been down before Yes, it’s true, cause I’m in love with you
  5. This was a difficult day so far. I felt like throwing up when I woke up and realized today would be another day without talking to you. You are my friend. I created the NC because I need to find my inner peace and decide where MW fits into my life. Why can't I have both? Oh, right, because MW is a bully and despite how strong you are in spirit, MW can break the spirit of any man. I miss you J. More than I thought I would. It is almost like having a friend dying of cancer and my refusal to accept that they are dying. I choose to ignore the problem and distract myself with other things. Is the cancer a bad example? I don't think so because at the end of this NC period, I know you won't be available to me even as a friend. And I will have to accept this as fact. I know that in my own mind, having picked MW over you is going to be the death of me. All three of us need to be held accountable, but I have decided that I was simply stuck in the middle between two boys fighting. But why do I find it so easy to forgive the bully and not you? What type of hold does he have on me? Am I that weak that I need to have a "project" to make me forget my own faults? What sucks the most is that you are a genuinely nice man. A stand-up fellow of good character. I have allowed my feelings for MW to ruin my initial impression of you. Probably because I could have seen a relationship with you in the long run. MW didn't help. He knew my interest in being your friend would slowly separate he and me. It seems to be the pattern. I show an interest in a man, MW pours on the charm or the sad sack and I am hooked. I return to him. The person of general interest either gets frustrated or is threatened by MW. And by threaten, I mean with physical harm. Six weeks or months from now, I know that MW will again be out of my life and I will need to talk to you J, but I also realize that I run the risk of you not being there for me. It hurts so much to know that I have left our substantial friendship for a questionable relationship with an emotionally inferior person. You loved me for me. MW loves me because he knows I am always always going to be available to him.
  6. I am desperate to call J right now. It is almost like a sick burning in my entire being. I just want to hear his voice for my own comfort. DAMN!
  7. Day 1 of NC: I missed you today J. Not because I had something important to tell you or ask you or a great inside joke. But because I know that I will try my best not to break NC with you. I spent yesterday wondering if this is going to help me be a better friend to you or if you will even notice that I am not contacting you. I feel sickness in the pit of my stomach and think "how foolish am I?" because you are just a friend. But are you just a friend? Or are you something more that I refuse to acknowledge because you and I would not be seen as a couple. That somehow, you are not "my type". I know that today will be even more difficult as the weekend approaches. I would ordinarily see you at some point, but now I will be left to wonder how you are doing. I am more convinced than ever that MW is reading what I wrote here. Oh, the military has trained you well Sir. You know that I am struggling and since the attention or struggle are not on you, you have decided to create drama again. You do this all the time. When a new guy came on the scene, you lied and told me that you were leaving your wife. When J and I went to the concert in Athens, you lied and said that you were going to finally seek mental help. Now that I am working hard to repair this friendship with J, you claim that you are recognizing your own depression and will be out of touch for "a while". It amazes me that you really are so needy that when my attention turns to some other man, you make it seem as if I am leaving you! Sometimes the point isn't about you MW. But now I know for sure that your IT training is serving you well. Because I have spoken to no one about going NC on J. But in your brief texting back and forth you slipped and asked if I had heard from J lately. This is not paranoia. This is you being a coward and manipulating, as best you can, every aspect of my life! I'm angry, hurt, certain and very much afraid of you right now MW. What other things have you checked out? My Twitter account? Facebook? PinInterest? I know you have broken into my work computer because of the way you would somehow always bring up a subject that I was about to lecture on. And I suspect that you have accessed my banking information. What's next? Being able to determine who I have been calling on my cell phone? The texting I have sent? But what I am most angry about is this: I am struggling to be a better friend to J and yet, you are constantly running in and out of my life with perfectly timed drama, and I will forgive you if you ever admit that you are hacking into my computers and my life, much quicker than my ability to forgive J for his one indiscretion. What is wrong with me and my comprehension of what a friend should be? Enter Day 2 of NC. I fear for the worst.
  8. I broke NC with two men yesterday. Breaking it with MW was the easier of the two. He contacted me and I texted him back. No biggie. It felt like it does when you run into an aquaintence at the bus stop. Nothing of substance, rather matter of fact actually. I have given you multiple opportunities to go seek help. Your most recent lie about leaving your wife for me obviously didn't come through. What made you say that to me? Were you worried that I was spending more time and attention with J? Is he really that big of a thorn in your side? You are a sad, pathetic, cowardly man. No substance, just great in bed. That is your only hold on me, but it is a strong hold just the same. I contacted you J because I miss you so much. You answered the phone call and while the conversation was brief, it was heartfelt and filling. When we hung up, I wanted nothing more than to touch your face and hold your hand. There is a significant part of me that wants to invite you over tonight and fall asleep in your arms. No sex, just the bond that we have always had. Of best friends. I don't see the harm in any way, shape or form, to being held for a night, with the understand that it is NOT FWB, but the physical contact that is often denied. You are a man of character, strong willed and have overcome more than anyone ever should have. I think I will call you this afternoon and invite you over for a light dinner, a glass of wine, good conversation and sleep oh so peacefully in your arms. Are you willing to be with me? Can you be that man for me? I've always slept so peacefully when you held me in the past. That is my greatest wish right now. No sex and I know you absolutely will respect that, because of your character. Just innocent love. And I am lucky to have found that in you even though it took a while to figure this trait out about you. Love that most people would never get. I have hated you and loved you and loving you is so much better and so much more fun. I can relax with you, I never have to watch my back because we know where the line in the sand is drawn. I want to be held. Not by a new guy, but by someone who cares and loves me for me. Innocent cuddling is sometimes the most empowering.
  9. J, for whatever reason, I miss you more today than normal. I got that weird feeling that something isn't right for you. Like something happened. I wish I could find a way to be comfortable calling you and talking to you like we used to do so freely. I miss you J. I really really miss you. Someday I hope we can talk and hold hands and laugh and be goofy and just be happy like we used to. MW screwed all of this up. But I know that I am responcible as well. I let MW corrupt my image of you. I allowed MW to say ***** about you and never once considered defending you. What can I say? I love MW for all the right and wrong reasons. But I miss you so much right now. And because we haven't talked in what seems like forever, I miss catching up with you. I know you have been busy. I know that you are coping. But I can't figure out how I apologize to you. I feel like I owe you an explanation. I just don't know how to figure these things out. My God, how I miss you!
  10. MW: I wish you could read what the poster above me just wrote! It is perfect in every way. You too are a puzzle and I think in a way, your refusal to seek help is a way to keep me in the game. If you were a real man, you would have already sought the help you desperately need. But you won't. I know you won't even if you said you were thinking about it. You are just not that kind of man. You are a coward, a bully and you enjoy the fact that I will always be interested in watching try to heal yourself. But you can't. Why is it so hard for you to get therapy? Heck, I did! I admit that I needed the assistance of J. You remember J don't you? He was the one you were so threatened by that you lied to me about your involvement in the fight that we had. The same J that I find harder to forgive than my forgiving you. I trusted you! It made us closer! But it was all apart of the game you continue to play. If for no other reason than you are a sick man! Lately I have seen so many people here on ENA who have loved ones and partners who have or are dying of cancer. I feel for those people and their loved ones! They didn't ask to have an illness, they were saddled with it! And still they persevere! They thrive, or at least try to. They are battling a physical demon. You are not even attemoting to battle your own demon from within! You aren't mentally ill MW, you are simply too proud or too lazy to do anything about getting help! I think about J and how wonderful he was for me to have enter my life. And I admit that I would have never really thought about getting the medical help I needed if it werent for him. He was completely there for me during your absence. And I am just now beginning to understand how much he cares about me. But, of course, you had to enter the picture as a bully and drive a huge wedge between us. Why would you do that? Why can't someone else love me unconditionally? Did you know that J is seeing a professional as well for his ADHD? And he is not ashamed of it! He sees his taking medication and talking to someone as a sign of just progressing as a man! Something that you are refusing to do. I can't begin to think how I would react if J told me had cancer. I would probably fall apart. But I would trust that J would be a stand up guy, a gentleman, a man of faith and deal with the situation quietly and with dignity. If you were, God forbid, diagnosed with cancer, I am certain you would tell me as a plot to have me be with you. Do you know sick that is? You would sulk and be sad and probably do nothing about it! That's sick! I feel for everyone who has written about caring for someone with cancer. It reminds me of the fight that D put up, but it eventually took her from us. From a sexy vibrant woman with everything to live for. And in a matter of a few months, she was a skeleton of herself. Sort of like how you are a skeleton of the man you might have been. You too are a terrible person because you manipulate me by being in my life and then out of my life. And you accused me of being manipulated by J. You throw that word around so much because you know it is a key word for me. It strikes my senses. And I think you do it on purpose! You are a horrible person because you try to bring me down with you. You don't say you do, but you do! You tell me that you are a horrible person with a horrible past and a horrible present, then FIX it! Stop dragging me down with you! I wish I were strong enough to end my addiction of you, but I can't. I ruin a friendship with J just to be with you. J was my strength while you were gone. And you seem to think you can come back and play with me anytime you want. And, I guess you're right. I deserve you because we attract what we are. If I were honorable, strong, of good character, morals and values, I might have ended up with J. I hate you for this!
  11. Dear J: I will never send this to you, but these are the thoughts I had on my ride back home. I am so sorry for all the drama that MW and I have put you through. While you share some responsibility for what the fight was over, I allowed MW to turn up the heat on you. When I step back and think about it with a clear and unemotional head, I know that MW set you up for failure with me. He knew that we were becoming closer than ever before and he wasn't going to lose me to some "punk ass *****" as he called you. He poured on the charm, started showing up at the house and even wrote me love letters. In a way I feel like I used you to get MW back, even for a little while. I put your name out there for MW to know I was building another relationship with you. Probably if I stopped analyzing it so much, a healthier relationship with you. Things between you and I were fine until MW heard your name over and again from both me and little man. That's when the love letters started and that was when I took the bait with him again. He lied about what you said and spent the next couple of days denying his involvement. Suddenly you were no longer the stand up guy I thought you were and MW felt closer to me than he ever had. I wanted to believe that he was innocent and that you had talked about me behind my back, which you admitted you did, but both MW and I are responsible for the drama that came next. We became closer because we bonded over the lies he had told me concerning you. We slept together with great regularity because I decided he was most trustworthy and you, becoming a police officer, was in the wrong line of business. I'm sorry J. I really am. And now I need to find a way to apologize to you and save face at the same time. You knew when we became friends that MW was going to be a constant in my life. And he is. I can't help it. I really miss your phone calls and how you would always cheer me up when I was feeling down. I miss how relaxed I was when we were hanging around together. I get the same relaxation with MW but not to the level that I feel with you. So now what do I do?
  12. MW: Pouring in Richmond so I pulled off at a Checker's and was listening to one of the Mother's Finest CD's. They do a song called Cry Baby and one of the lines is most apropo. "You see I tried to give you more than physical love, but you were too blind to see, now it's your time to cry". Perfect! I need to switch my brain from you to J now.
  13. MW: As promised, I drove here thinking exclusively about you and here is what I learned, or in most cases relearned or need to relearn again. You are a coward. You are self-centered. You are very gifted in manipulting me. You think you are about to lose me and then find some way to garner my attention. Last time I was ready to break things off with you, you decided that you would check into seeing a therapist. You admitted that you never did and, as of right now, you have no plans to. You play the martyr role very well. You deflect any attention from yourself but still manage to be the center of attention. How is that even possible? You have a wife, but swear that you are not sleeping with her. BULL****! You want a relationship with me. You want to take care of me. You DO NOT want to take care of me! You want to own me! You have no interest in having a committed relationship with me because you have said that you are incapable of having a committed relationship with anyone. This includes yourself! I admire you in a way because you are damaged goods and are perfectly content to stay that way. You have no real interest in changing any of your behavior patterns because you are comfortable being in your own skin. If you are challenged, you lie. If you are threatened by anyone else, you lie. You say that all you really want it me, you lie. You tell me you care about my little man. You lie, because I can see you struggle to have a relationship with him sometimes. He thinks you really care about him and you might, but you go through the motions except when I'm around and then you are all about him. You lie! You helped destroy a wonderful friendship with J by lying! Yes, he talked crap and he owned up to it eventually. It was like pulling teeth getting the truth from you. I trusted you more than I trusted J and it was so wrong of me! I still have a bitter taste in my mouth towards J and it is mostly undeserving. Why would you be so concerned about someone who was my best friend? It's as if you contact me just enough to be front and center. And once you have my full attention, you pull back into the sad pathetic liar that you are so quick to embrace! I CANNOT FIX YOU MW! You have to want to fix yourself and it is clear to me that even if you tried to get help, doubt that will happen, I don't have enough time to sit and wait. Why can't I get over you then? I am looking forward to the drive back home. Deserving thoughts of J accompanied by Mother's Finest playing in the background. One another different forum topic, I mentioned how a REAL man remembers the little tiny thing. I mentioned that J left a birthday present for little man because he REMEMBERED that little man's birthday is July 9 and he won't be here. Do you even know when his birthday is? And if you do, do you care? I'm losing track of my thoughts. Besides the birthday ppresent, J also made a CD of a song by Mother's Finest that I have fallen in love with recently. It is played every night on the radio at the same time. I told J about this one time. The CD he left me has only this one song on it that he recorded off the radio. For me.
  14. MW: Tomorrow I will drive my little man to his father's and I will spend the 16 hour drive thinking about you, even though you don't deserve it. I will drive silently, listening to my own thoughts. I still cannot believe the mess that I have gotten caught up with you. You are a liar, a coward and are the only one who knows how and which buttons to push. I hate this fact. I will also spend time to think of NG and try and figure out where he fits into my world. I will have 2 months of being single and am sure I will see him, but that I will only go out on dates with him and not sleep with him or anyone else for the two months. I will concentrate on me, my job and a killer tan. I will be strong and yes, I am certain MW and I will cross paths. On my 16 hour drive home I will allow myself to think of J, because he DOES deserve it. Having accidentally gone NC on him for the last two weeks, because of the bull**** that MW started between us, I am realizing that he really is a stand up guy who would always always always be there for me. I need to figure out how to let him know that I bought into MW's lies and that I want to repair the friendship that is so much fun to have. I will also allow myself to think about nothing while Mother's Finest screams from the CD player. I loaded the disc player with six of their CD's and I know I will not get bored or skip a single song. I will think of a way to let J know that he is in some way connected to MW because MW is such a jerk and J is a nice person. Polar opposites. MW is stuck and J continues to grow leaps and bounds over him. Polar opposites. MW wants to own me, J would do anything to make sure I am free to experience life. Polar opposites. MW is the greatest at playing mind games and having me feel sorry for him, J is learning how to do that to but to a much smaller degree. Not so polar opposites. MW and NG will see me. J will have to wait until I can find the right words to say to explain that we are all accountable for the crap that went on.
  15. MW: You LIED and now I'm lying to myself thinking that J was to blame for all of this crap! We didn't you come clean without me having to pull the truth out of you? Now I have this bad taste in my mouth about J that, even knowing the truth that you are a bull**** artist, I just can't shake! YOU ruined a perfectly good relationship between me and J. YOU decided that hiding the truth from me was easier and a lot more fun than being honest! I trusted you! I thought you were telling me the God's honest truth! I thought that you were right about J without even thinking about it because I wanted, desperately, for you to right! But what kind of woman am I not to be able to admit that MW is a liar, if and when I talk to J again? J deserved some blame, but MW just kept adding fuel to the fire! Will he do that with everyone I show an interest in? Will he sabotage every friendship I make so I have no one to turn to? J was wrong, but we are much worse because you constantly lie and I can't bring myself to saying I was wrong to J
  16. MW: You continue to capture me with the affection that you show in spurts. It's like you know what you are doing and are playing a game that you are an expert in. You dangle a worm and I take the bait. It is a cycle that I need to end. As I said earlier, you lie and manipulate and are quick to place the blame on everyone else, even after you swear that you are sorry. J: I'm sorry too. I should call you and apologize for blaming you for all that has been placed on you by both MW and NG. Yes, you talked smack about me and yes MW LIED about being involved in it, but he should get credit for finally admitting that he blew things out of proportion. Why can I forgive MW so easily, but I still hold a grudge with you? It's like I'm disappointed in someone else's behavior, but rather than blaming the person, it is easier to blame you. I owe you an apology, I know I do. But I can't bring myself to giving you one. I also miss your randomness at sending me flowers and cards and text messages and phone calls, but for right this minute I don't think I am quite mature enough to formally apologize to you. Maybe I will send you a text. NG: I think I'm going to keep you hanging around for a while until I figure out what to do with MW. You are fun and handsome and for a couple of minutes each time we talk or see each other, you make me forget MW. Now if only you could figure out what I am doing so I can confront myself about both MW and J. I just know I have to apologize to J, but will end up looking stupid and foolish and prove that I prefer MW bull**** over J's truths. What is up with that?
  17. Stay strong. It gets easier as long as you don't allow yourself to get baited or bait!
  18. MW: So big man, you said all this crazy ***** about what J was doing to mess up my life and it turns out that you lied about most of it because I confronted J on the phone last night! Who the hell do you think you are? I believed everything you said about him! J admitted he was responsible for the one time that he was caught talking trash about me, but then you made it seem like he took an ad out in the paper! All you have done MW is ruin a great friendship with a stand up guy! Why would you do that? Was he a threat to your manhood? Did you decide that if you couldn't have me no one else will? It's sickening! What's even worse is that I will forgive you and not apologize to him because I don't think I'm mature enough to admit that I allowed you to lie to me OUTRIGHT and I believe every last word you said about him! You are a sick bastard! And in a way so am I! How do I go about apologizing to him? You maneuvered it so he would take the fall and I took your bait. Again! I'm not suggesting that J is a choir boy, but at least he is a man! At least he got help! And he helped me realize that I needed to see a doctor. Big man MW, you said you would support me to resolve my medical issue and the minute J helped me, you went out of your way to destroy his reputation! And I bought it! What's next, you going to find dirt on every single guy I talk to and use it against them so I belong to you? You have someone! And you destroyed the one person I could be comfortable around, have fun with, who I could be myself with. We should both be ashamed of ourselves. But I learned from you that it doesn't matter who you hurt and it certainly doesn't matter if I am sorry for dropping him like a hot potato! Seriously! What is wrong with us?
  19. I wish you luck with it! But remember that if he catches on that you have a NG, B will turn up the heat again and again.
  20. Peace of mind? Self respect? Remind yourself that you are a strong and powerful female?
  21. Time to focus on ITIC, not B and not MM! I wish you the best in those attempts as inviting as they are~
  22. Another sleepless night and what little sleep I did achieve I woke up and my mind went straight to you. I am now desperately lying in bed praying to God that He will help me get over you. I've never done this before and I am at my wit's end. Why did I go into the relationship with you so blindly? Why did I allow myself to fall in love with someone who would never be available to me. You told me that it was a bad idea from the start and yet I did. I did fall in love with you and the mental and physical pain is sometimes overwhelming! In some ways I wish I had never met you. It would be so easy to function day-to-day if I hadn't. I would be able to take care of my son and do all the mommy things that are expected of me. I would still enjoy the company of J. I wonder how he is doing when my mind allows my to not be consumed with thoughts of you. I cried last night over a song about being able to set someone free and I am afraid that I will never be able to do that with you. It is as if my life is at a standstill. I have a date with NG this afternoon and I look forward to it, but I know my mind will eventually circle back to you. I can't tell you how many times I've checked my phone to see if you called or sent me a text message. Of course you haven't. I can't tell you how many times I've checked my email to see if you wrote me the briefest of notes just to say hi. Of course you haven't. You are becoming my worst nightmare where once I thought I was the woman of your dreams. I am beyond sad.
  23. MW: You used me again last night and I feel like dirt. How is it that I so freely allow you in and out of my life? You made me a promise and you so far have refused to keep that promise. I will continue to see the NG even though I will never ever love him the way that I love you. It's just sick is all it is. I can't even think about any relationship with NG until I am settled with you. I might well be all things that people say I am, but I am also fair and leading NG on while I am still waiting on you to make a decision is not fair to the NG.
  24. I saw this from another post and it fits PERFECTLY into my situation! As much as I don't like to think of it that way.....well, maybe a little bit.....lol But do you know, the most powerful and controlled thing you can do right now is to LET him think he has the control and power while you walk away and don't look back. YOU know better than that, YOU know YOU are the one who is really in control of YOU, so you can walk away with your head held high. This IS your control and power! You are CHOOSING not to see him anymore, he cannot treat you badly anymore because you are not going to ALLOW him. Your power is to be the best person you can be for yourself and the best mom you can be for your kids. When you present yourself to the rest of the world as a respectful, strong woman and mother, you will attract respectful, strong people to you....yes, respectful, strong men, maybe a single dad..... But don't do it for that reason, do it for you and for your kids! The other thing you are in control of is having a support group of friends and family. Take the next year off and decide you are going to be single for awhile while you become stronger. I don't know how close you are with your mother, but you should start trying to be around other strong women, maybe a single mother's group through the church or Y? Maybe there is some sort of mentoring group, and if it's available, maybe you can even go to some counselling sessions to work on your self-esteem. There is a lot of good in the world, you just have to let go of the dirtbags who keep you from finding them
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