Do you think this is worth waiting for?

[SilverFactory]

On a general note I have a question for the ladies - why does the phrase "you are the love of my life" have such a significant impact on a woman? I can understand if it came from a guy that has dated many women in his life but some how felt the strongest emotions and feelings with one particular woman and said that sentence. But if it came from a guy that has never dated, fell in love before what significance does it have?

 

I am just trying to understand how/why the OP is all wrapped up with that one sentence.

[HeatherB]

On a general note I have a question for the ladies - why does the phrase "you are the love of my life" have such a significant impact on a woman? I can understand if it came from a guy that has dated many women in his life but some how felt the strongest emotions and feelings with one particular woman and said that sentence. But if it came from a guy that has never dated, fell in love before what significance does it have?

 

I am just trying to understand how/why the OP is all wrapped up with that one sentence.

 

Well it is practically a marriage proposal...Once a guy has found the love of his whole life, he generally stops looking. If he finds her on the first try, that could just be good luck.

 

A decent guy who isn't sure how he feels about a girl doesn't say such a thing to her. But a manipulator might. Or someone temporarily overcome with emotion.

[itsallgrand]

On a general note I have a question for the ladies - why does the phrase "you are the love of my life" have such a significant impact on a woman? I can understand if it came from a guy that has dated many women in his life but some how felt the strongest emotions and feelings with one particular woman and said that sentence. But if it came from a guy that has never dated, fell in love before what significance does it have?

 

I am just trying to understand how/why the OP is all wrapped up with that one sentence.

 

Well it only has that impact when you truly believe it. Which OP seems to believe it. It goes to deep desire people have to be the one closest to someone's heart.

 

That it isn't completely a rational thing necessarily is really evident on this thread. He is saying something she really wants to hear.

 

Not everyone will cross check it to make sure ti lines up with actions. So emotional closeness is a powerful thing to us women. And there are plenty of men who will use that even when it's not true. What matters is that she believes it is true.

 

Until she no longer believes it, she'll be putty in his hands. Unfortunately.

[learning112]

A decent guy who isn't sure how he feels about a girl doesn't say such a thing to her. But a manipulator might. Or someone temporarily overcome with emotion.

 

Why do you think he was trying to manipulate me?

1) To get me to stick around so he still has someone making him feel amazing, until years later when his arranged marriage happens?

2) To make himself feel less bad about leading me on, dating & sleeping with me, then suddenly telling me we're breaking up because his mommy & daddy won't approve and it's too much to ask to think of him standing up to them?

3) Because he actually is in love with me and is just trying to get up the courage to do something about it?

 

If it's anything other than #3, I'm getting really angry at this guy. How could anyone use such strong words and then not back them up with any acctions? It's like a lie.

[SilverFactory]

Why do you think he was trying to manipulate me?

1) To get me to stick around so he still has someone making him feel amazing, until years later when his arranged marriage happens?

2) To make himself feel less bad about leading me on, dating & sleeping with me, then suddenly telling me we're breaking up because his mommy & daddy won't approve and it's too much to ask to think of him standing up to them?

3) Because he actually is in love with me and is just trying to get up the courage to do something about it?

 

If it's anything other than #3, I'm getting really angry at this guy. How could anyone use such strong words and then not back them up with any acctions? It's like a lie.

 

This situation is not black or white, yes or no kind of thing. It is very grey at its best.

 

I would say its actually a mix of all 3 (and may be more or less). He might actually be in love with you, I don't think anybody here is saying that he has no feelings for you and he is just using you as his play toy.

 

The problem is - after dating you for a while, having sex with you, dropping very big words like 'you are the love of my life', and essentially painting a glorious picture of you two being together in the future he is trying to distance himself from you now and is asking you to date other people... and he is giving silly excuses like job stress, family, blah blah.

 

If he truly loved you and cared for you either 1) he will immediately talk to his parents and stand up for you OR 2) if he does not have the courage to tell his parents about you at the very least let you free so that you can get closure and move on, heal from this, and date other men.

 

He is not doing either of this. Instead he is continuously feeding you sweet promises that keeps you there stuck in that situation and gives you hope. If I visit my friend's home I would like to be invited in OR be asked to leave. I do not like to be just standing there at the entrance not knowing what to do. Do you get the drift? This guy has conveniently bought himself few more months of time and that again leaves you hanging... You are essentially standing at his door-step for some more time not knowing whether he is going to invite you in OR if you should just leave and go to some other friend's home.

[HeatherB]

People often feel multiple conflicting emotions and desires at the same time. He can love you and his parents at the same time. He can want to be with you, yet be unwilling to do all the work it would take to make that happen.

 

I don't think your guy is deliberately lying to you to manipulate you. I think he meant what he said in the moment. But his actions since then have not backed it up completely. I do think he wants to hold on to you in some way. But so what?

 

If he loves you but he doesn't want to do what it takes to be with you in the way you need a man to be with you, that disqualifies him. This guy might be wonderful and feel love for you, but if you are not compatible enough together, feelings alone can't make it work. It's sad, but it happens to people all the time.

 

He's doing his best. It's just not good enough.

[learning112]

 

He's doing his best. It's just not good enough.

 

So do I tell him that unless he is prepared to actually have actions match his words, I don't want to see him anymore?

[SilverFactory]

So do I tell him that unless he is prepared to actually have actions match his words, I don't want to see him anymore?

 

With all the information given to you so far what do you feel like doing at this point?

[learning112]

I feel like telling him that I believe words must be backed by actions. And if he really loved me as much as he said he did, then he'd act differently. And if that's not what he's choosing right now, then I'll be moving on & dating others (as even he suggested).

[SilverFactory]

I feel like telling him that I believe words must be backed by actions. And if he really loved me as much as he said he did, then he'd act differently. And if that's not what he's choosing right now, then I'll be moving on & dating others (as even he suggested).

 

Ok it sounds good.

 

Please do it. Its the right thing to do.

[abitbroken]

I feel like telling him that I believe words must be backed by actions. And if he really loved me as much as he said he did, then he'd act differently. And if that's not what he's choosing right now, then I'll be moving on & dating others (as even he suggested).

 

But stick to it this time.

 

You DID stick to it, but then he called you and said he wanted to "Try" or that you needed to wait until he knew about his job, etc, and that got you on the hook again. You need to be about action too.

 

Also, I caution you not to use the "L" word...you can say "if you loved me..." And he will say he does. There is no doubt that he has feelings for you whether its true love or infatuation or fascination or something in between all that. I think you are better served by saying "If you were serious about wanting to be a couple.." that way you are not giving him an opening to say sweet nothings. Its not about "feeling something" for someone you are doubting. Its the empty promises and actions. Does that make sense??

 

You also NEED to meet his parents to be a couple. Don't put up with "you can't meet them until we are practically married."

 

But alos please recognize he has already TOLD you this - that he is not going to act - its about the job, the parents, whatever flavor of the week. The disconnnect here is you are asking him to be direct and say "i don't want to be with you" and he won't. He is telling you by saying "my job/my parents/date others blah blah blah".

 

You are essentially doing this " I am leaving...okay...bye...okay i mean it this time...i am walking out the door...see me walkk. okay now. I am really doing it. See? Alrught.....here i go...I am not looking back...for real...i am warning you..." to him by him being clear about wanting you to move on and then you not moving on.

[learning112]

I understand that his feelings for me may not be strong enough for him to ever actually act but until I can convince myself he's never changing his mind (A declaration he will not give me now), I can't truly Move on. And I'm lost regarding what I can do to get that final answer

[abitbroken]

I understand that his feelings for me may not be strong enough for him to ever actually act but until I can convince myself he's never changing his mind (A declaration he will not give me now), I can't truly Move on. And I'm lost regarding what I can do to get that final answer

 

How about accepting the answer that he cannot commit to you right now in the present time. And in your right now, what is best for you to date, make new friends where you are at. Because he cannot do that right now, you have to continue doing what is best for you and not think about what he'll think in two years. When you accept that, accepting that he won't be ready in a week from now, month from now, two months from now gets easier.

 

For you, maybe giving up tells yourself that you are not worthy of a man romantically setting his family aside and coming after you. In fact, you don't want that. I was with a man who went against his family to be with me. He was not Indian. He sort of was trying to cut them off and cut off their abuse. He thought he could create a nice quiet life and shut them out. Well, they creeped back in. More abusive than ever. And he ultimately chose them over me. They overran him. Or, he didn't stand up for me because i was just one person and it was easier to give in.

 

Please look at this young man as someone not capable of giving you what you want and need. It is not about him wising up or facing them. He can't do that. He can't face them (in his mind). So you have to accept that. But its not a matter of saying "i accept". It will happen over time when you don't realize it - you will be out having fun with friends and not thinking about him. and then realize you aren't

[learning112]

But if he said "I just can't ever be with you" that's something to accept. He still only says "it seems unlikely that we will be able to get married. the reason I've taken things with you to this point is because whenever I stop thinkign & analyzing and just do what feels right it's be with you."

[SilverFactory]

No, that wasn't the message. I went back & reread my words that you quoted, just to be fair. But the message was always, "This is a very serious thing & it's gonna cause conflict & they're gonna be upset, so I'm not going to take that step until it's the right time in my life & I'm sure we're going to go the distance and get married."

 

He still only says "it seems unlikely that we will be able to get married. the reason I've taken things with you to this point is because whenever I stop thinkign & analyzing and just do what feels right it's be with you."

 

Can you see how you are contradicting yourself?

 

If he said "it seems unlikely that we will be able to get married" then what more are you waiting for?? He himself has given you the answer you are looking for.

[learning112]

If he said "it seems unlikely that we will be able to get married" then what more are you waiting for?? He himself has given you the answer you are looking for.

 

HOW? An "answer" is, "I'm going to marry someone else." What hes saying is more of what he said the other day -- "I just didnt want to make you think things would be easy." If hes still so torn up and depressed about it and me after all this time, then I don't think the outcome will be to let me go eventually.

[SilverFactory]

HOW? An "answer" is, "I'm going to marry someone else." What hes saying is more of what he said the other day -- "I just didnt want to make you think things would be easy." If hes still so torn up and depressed about it and me after all this time, then I don't think the outcome will be to let me go eventually.

 

huh

 

What else does "it seems unlikely that we will be able to get married" mean? If a woman I was seriously dating said that to me I would think she cannot marry me for whatever reason and if I want marriage then I have to move on from her and go find some other woman that is willing to marry me.

[SilverFactory]

learning112, it is very clear that you are unable to accept any answer that suggests that marriage with this guy is not on the cards. If you still think there is a possibility after this guy said his parents will disown him and "it seems unlikely that we will be able to get married" then I don't know what to say. and I don't know how else to help you.

 

Just yesterday I thought you were making progress but you are back to square one today.

[learning112]

I understand your frustration but my frustration lies all with him. A clear answer is "no." Why must he always leave possibilities open, still say maybe, make side comments about how being with me is simply what feels right despite everything?

[SilverFactory]

I understand your frustration but my frustration lies all with him. A clear answer is "no." Why must he always leave possibilities open, still say maybe, make side comments about how being with me is simply what feels right despite everything?

 

Because he wants his cake and eat it too.. this is why he is a selfish person. Either he needs to take you in completely OR let you go completely but he is doing neither of it. That's what I told yesterday as well. He knows that his parents will never allow him to marry an American woman (you) that is why he is saying "it seems unlikely that we will be able to get married". You need to understand that. Even though he knows he can't marry you he is stringing you along for his own reasons... One fine day he will get an arranged marriage with an Indian woman and you will get the shock of your life... and you will cringe for all the straw grasping you are doing now. I am telling you - please cut contact with this guy and move on. He is ruining your life.

[abitbroken]

She is stringing herself along at this point.

 

I understand your frustration but my frustration lies all with him. A clear answer is "no." Why must he always leave possibilities open, still say maybe, make side comments about how being with me is simply what feels right despite everything?

 

BUT he IS saying NO. Just not using the exact phrase you want.

 

A recruiter tells people "The client made some good comments about you but felt that someone else was a better fit for their team." Only someone who was completely out of their minds would not accept that. They would go send a barrage of letters to the manager of the company to convince them why the person they hired is wrong. the mature thing to do would be to keep your head held high and move on to the next interview, right??

[SilverFactory]

She is stringing herself along at this point.

 

 

 

BUT he IS saying NO. Just not using the exact phrase you want.

 

A recruiter tells people "The client made some good comments about you but felt that someone else was a better fit for their team." Only someone who was completely out of their minds would not accept that. They would go send a barrage of letters to the manager of the company to convince them why the person they hired is wrong. the mature thing to do would be to keep your head held high and move on to the next interview, right??

 

Exactly! either you can move to the next interview OR sit there and say "BUT they said they made some good comments about me".

[learning112]

You're talking about a manager who did NOT say "you're still being considered & moving to the next round of interviews." This guy never said, "We'll never be together." something is stopping him from saying that & instead telling me, "I do not want to date anyone else. You're the love of my life. I just don't want you to think things will be easy & right now I'm focusing On work."

[penelope13]

if he knows you just a tiny bit he knows that as long as he is not directly saying "I don't see a future with you ever" - he can get away with anything and you will continue to pine for him.

 

THAT'S WHY HE IS NOT DIRECT!

[SilverFactory]

You're talking about a manager who did NOT say "you're still being considered & moving to the next round of interviews." This guy never said, "We'll never be together." something is stopping him from saying that & instead telling me, "I do not want to date anyone else. You're the love of my life. I just don't want you to think things will be easy & right now I'm focusing On work."

 

We are talking about a manager that said "it seems unlikely that we will be able to hire you"