Do you think this is worth waiting for?

[SilverFactory]

Agree. As she should. I bet he would lie & sneak around to keep me hidden from her, too. I just don't know what it is about me that he refuses so much to let go of. To the point that once, when I didn't talk to him for 3 days, he literally came to "find me" when he knew I'd be playing in a local concert, because "I just had to be around you, I can't ever have things bad between us." And that's the guy who thinks he'll marry someone else, even though it means I will (continue) No Contact forever as a result?

 

You are from a culture where people marry for love. He is from a culture that does not. Over there marriage does not necessarily mean love. That's why there are 2 types of marriages in India - 1) Arranged Marriage 2) Love Marriage

 

While he may like you or even love you it is not a guarantee that he will get married to you because there is this whole concept of Arranged Marriage.

 

All of this and more have been said to you. What exactly would you like to hear anymore?

 

If some one else started this thread and you were reading it as a third person what advice would you give? Please be honest.

[learning112]

I think I would say the guy's lying to the OP because actions speak louder than words and plenty of people lie to get what they want. Though in my case I still don't understand what it is that he wants to gain from this...

[penelope13]

You are not required to understand his thinking and reasons, but you are obligated to yourself to look out for yourself and make sure that you are emotionally safety. - Don't wait for him to deliver a reason that you could agree to (because he will never do so), but focus on the lack of actions and thus take your consequences.

 

It's normal during the healing process from a break up that you will have up and downs. So whenever you have doubts again - just read through this thread to remind yourself to the conclusions you derived at yourself.

[SilverFactory]

I wanted to ask you this - are you guys on Facebook? when you both were in a relationship did he ever change his status to 'in a relationship with learning112'?

[learning112]

Great question & the answer is: Hell no. Kept status as single. I asked him about it when I was sleeping over one night. He said "I'm definitely not single but my family members will notice & interrogate me if I change it. I can't ever tell my parents until I'm about to get engaged." He actually detagged any photo of the 2 of us together. And if I made any comment on his status that remotely implied we might be hanging out romantically I always had to delete it. He said "please don't make a big deal. My parents are crazy you know that."

[SilverFactory]

Great question & the answer is: Hell no. Kept status as single. I asked him about it when I was sleeping over one night. He said "I'm definitely not single but my family members will notice & interrogate me if I change it. I can't ever tell my parents until I'm about to get engaged." He actually detagged any photo of the 2 of us together. And if I made any comment on his status that remotely implied we might be hanging out romantically I always had to delete it. He said "please don't make a big deal. My parents are crazy you know that."

 

you have all the answers you need now

 

If this guy won't even acknowledge his status with you online then forget about real life.

 

I mean no judgement and no offense but from whatever you have told about this guy it is very clear to me that he is not from a good place in India. His behavior is not of someone that comes from a progressive and well educated family living in the city. I am quite surprised how you even got involved with such a guy in the first place.

[learning112]

At the time, I totally trusted when he said he'd just wait until the relationship was super-serious (engagement) before telling his family. But maybe that was just a lie to get me to accept being hidden & buy time. The past is in the past, but it still blows my mind that just 2 WEEKS AGO he was still declaring I was the love of his life & he was going to tell his parents after we established that things worked for us long distance, etc. He had months of time alone to reflect after our first breakup, and that's still what he came up with just 2 weeks ago. Seriously crazy? How can I not be confused?

[SilverFactory]

At the time, I totally trusted when he said he'd just wait until the relationship was super-serious (engagement) before telling his family. But maybe that was just a lie to get me to accept being hidden & buy time. The past is in the past, but it still blows my mind that just 2 WEEKS AGO he was still declaring I was the love of his life & he was going to tell his parents after we established that things worked for us long distance, etc. He had months of time alone to reflect after our first breakup, and that's still what he came up with just 2 weeks ago. Seriously crazy? How can I not be confused?

 

There is nothing to be confused here.... this guy took advantage of you. Its very clear now. He has been playing you all along.

 

Run, run away from this guy and never talk to him no more.

[learning112]

But I can't figure out how he'd have the nerve to spend several months without me, and still come around a second time and lead me on with even stronger words about being the love of his life. Also -- the fact that he was never trying to get sex out of this. I just do nooooooot get what was going on. I'm dating others now but, ***?

[SilverFactory]

But I can't figure out how he'd have the nerve to spend several months without me, and still come around a second time and lead me on with even stronger words about being the love of his life. Also -- the fact that he was never trying to get sex out of this. I just do nooooooot get what was going on. I'm dating others now but, ***?

 

Right now he doesn't have anything else going on for him. His parents are yet to select an Indian woman for the Arranged Marriage. So he has time on his hands and is coming after you. You think and believe that the 'love of his life' is a very strong word but he does not understand the import of those words. He is just talking... Remember? this is a guy that has never had a relationship before. He is getting close to a woman (you) for the first time in his life, doesn't understand what things are all about, and casually drops big words. I have known many many Indian guys to drop the L word very very quickly because to them its all new and this is what they saw in the Indian movies. So yeah - I am sorry, but I do NOT think you are the love of his life in the true sense. It would make sense if it came from a guy that has dated many women but found YOU to be the ONE. But clearly that is not the case here. And for you to hold on to those words so tightly and keep repeating it over and over and over again says something about your own self-esteem. I am just making honest observations here so don't take it personally.

 

The fact that he is not getting sex doesn't mean a big deal to him. It would mean a lot to some other guy that has had dated a lot. But this is a guy that has got close to a woman for the very first time in his life and just the fact that you are there... chatting, talking is good enough for him. He does not even acknowledge you on Facebook even when there was an actual relationship. He is happy keeping you in the dark and hiding you from everybody else. He is content with what he is getting. If you spend an hour with your brother and then spend an hour with this guy it would feel very very different even when there is no physical intimacy involved in both the cases. Why? because the vibes you get when you spend time with this guy is different.. you feel special.. you feel appreciated... etc. That is what he is getting now. There are lot of things in a relationship beyond sex. So don't be so naive and think he is not getting anything simply because there is no sex involved.

[learning112]

If what we have is "special" enough that it feels great to us even when far away and getting no sex or actual companionship from it, then it seems stupid and a tragedy to throw it all away and be nothing in the end.

[SilverFactory]

If what we have is "special" enough that it feels great to us even when far away and getting no sex or actual companionship from it, then it seems stupid and a tragedy to throw it all away and be nothing in the end.

 

Yes but that's a decision he has already made. If I were him I would talk to my family and tell them how happy I am with you. But this guy doesn't even have the courage to open his mouth and tell his parents about you. He also hides you in Facebook. He really lacks a backbone. I don't think you should be with such a guy regardless of how you feel.

 

He went on dates with you, had sex with you, secretly had a relationship with you knowing that his parents are crazy and will never allow him to be with you. He knew it right from the beginning. This is why he is a selfish guy that is only looking after himself. I don't know which friends introduced you to this guy. He totally used you.

 

Consider yourself lucky to not be with such a selfish and spineless guy and move on with your life. Next time date a real man.

[learning112]

I am so disgusted and sad about being lied to!!! It's one thing if this guy started dating me, knew it couldn't be long term, realized it & broke up with me.

 

But afterward, he never stopped talking to me / hanging out with me and making it romantic, though not sexual. He'd do things like coming to find me in person when I was mad at him because it made him "depressed" & crying if I was mad at him ever.. And then, after months of being "on his own" with time to think & reflect, he STILL chose -- only a few weeks ago -- to take me out to a nice dinner & tell me he wanted to try a long distance relationship. After that point, nothing "happened" other than the huge catastrophe he had at his job recently. Then he started saying he needed a little time on his own to straighten things out, but then he'd tell his family once timing was better, because I was the love of his life. And now suddenly, he wasn't thinking clearly and we can't really have a relationship at all?

 

You mean to tell me he "wasn't thinking clearly" at ANY point over the past few months that culminated in his decision to have a relationship with me again?

[SilverFactory]

I am not saying he does not like you. I think he likes you and has feelings for you. But he knows he cannot marry you and hence he is asking you to move on with your life. All the things he did that you have mentioned does not matter because he will get married to an Indian woman.

 

The whole 'huge catastrophe at work' is just BS that he is feeding you and you are naively taking it. If some one does a catastrophic mistake at work they will be fired, especially in this economy. He is giving you reasons and playing you very well.

 

Look, lot of people have told you what is going on exactly. Move on already from this guy instead of breaking your head again and again. That's all I can say.

[learning112]

He said he just thinks he has too many issues to sustain a long distance relationship right now & I FULLY agree. But the thing is- I just moved & my job is so high powered that I have no issue focusing totally on work & not seeing him much. I'm not concerned with "right now." I'm just concerned w the fact that in 5 years when I do want to marry someone, this is the person I want to be there. I wish he could separate long term "I will/won't ever tell my parents"- which he goes back & forth about- with short term "I'm too stressed to come visit you right now." I think it's very clear that long term, neither of us can really live without each other- even if short term day to day we're both very Infependent.

[SilverFactory]

I'm just concerned w the fact that in 5 years when I do want to marry someone, this is the person I want to be there.

 

Sorry but it is not going to happen. In 5 years he would be happily married to an Indian woman.

 

I think it's very clear that long term, neither of us can really live without each other- even if short term day to day we're both very Infependent.

 

You are wrong. You are thinking that you cannot live without him but he on the other hand is likely not thinking that. If he were he would be talking to his parents about you and tell them that he cannot live a life without you.

 

He said he just thinks he has too many issues to sustain a long distance relationship right now & I FULLY agree.

 

You know what? you are not going to believe what anybody is saying here. Keep believing him and all the BS that he keeps feeding you.

 

You won't listen to anyone and continuously keep supporting that guy. No offense but you seem to be a bit abnormal. Any other woman (especially an American woman) would have left this poor excuse of a man and moved on already. You on the other hand is thinking about 5 years from now...

 

Like calichick said this is a journey that you have to ride it out by yourself until the wheels fall off..

[abitbroken]

He said he just thinks he has too many issues to sustain a long distance relationship right now & I FULLY agree. But the thing is- I just moved & my job is so high powered that I have no issue focusing totally on work & not seeing him much. I'm not concerned with "right now." I'm just concerned w the fact that in 5 years when I do want to marry someone, this is the person I want to be there. I wish he could separate long term "I will/won't ever tell my parents"- which he goes back & forth about- with short term "I'm too stressed to come visit you right now." I think it's very clear that long term, neither of us can really live without each other- even if short term day to day we're both very Infependent.

 

In 5 years you will be an entirely different person who has grown and changed. In 5 years,you guys might be totally unsuited to eachother. You need someone to grow with, not someone you see as a challenge or the nut you can't crack. That was me and one of my exes. I was always trying to prove myself when we just weren'y a match.

 

And YES you can live without eachother. You have only known this guy what...6 months? What was life like before that time? You did just fine. I didn't believe this when I lost one of my exes, but i DID love again and with someone who was worthy of me and I was worthy of him and there was no gray area - we both wanted eachother and had a public relationship. You will meet someone new. or more than one someone new. And it will be more spectacular. It might not be teh very next guy you meet, but it will happen.

 

You want this guy because you can't really have him

[penelope13]

Face it: you ARE living without the guy. Right now. So in 5 years, you'll be equally able to not live with him.

 

What you are currently doing is DREAMING of a life with him - but it's not really a reality right now.

[learning112]

You're right. We are both acting crazy. I don't understand what goes on between us that has caused us to carry things on to this point for this long.

[Justnotsure]

The big problem is using "we" or "us" or "him" -- you have to stop focusing on his behavior or motives - especially when you are using them as a scapegoat and failing to take any personal responsibility in this situation. If you are both "acting crazy" -- you need to think, what am I doing that is crazy- because that's the crazy that you can control.

[amy8177]

People should make their own decisions. I am sorry but perhaps I am heartless or rebellious -----I would not give a damn about what my family thought about the person I love. End of story, they don't like it ----TOO bad. I really hope you find a man like me... haha too bad I'm a woman. I believe love is supreme. Your family isn't sleeping with you at night or going to have children with you.

[learning112]

Totally agree. What really ticks me off is that he claims he can't be with me because of his parents. Lie. he's just choosing to go along with his parents. He never even attempted to tell them about me. Even though multiple times in the past month he kept claiming, "I'll tell them after I get my new job straightened out. This is why I feel like I was played & lied to. He could've told me early on that he just preferred someone Indian long term. But instead Even a month ago he was leading me on to believe he'd tell his parents because I was the "love of his life."

 

It's not like he tried telling his parents (as he kept claiming he was going to) & something horrible happened. He never tried at all! Doesn't that make him a liar?!

[itsallgrand]

Of course it was a lie. Though maybe not a conscious one on his part.

 

He simply does not take responsibility for his own choices. It was his choice all along. To be with you openly or not.

 

No more deflecting. If he does something you can't handle, place it on him. The jerking you around? It's his choice. It isn't outside circumstances. The not telling his parents he wants to be with you? His choice. Not his parents forcing him down with a knife to his head.

 

You fell in love with a man who likes to be a victim. Baby, I'm just a victim of my circumstances! It was my job made me do it. It was my parents. It was the government. That i was born Indian. That the moon was shining the wrong way that night. That i was drunk.

 

Once you see through this bs, you are clear sailing.

 

Keep honing that bs detector

[abitbroken]

At this point you are ALLOWING him to jerk you around. Before you were not conscious of it, but now you are and if you ever accept contact from him again, by even receiving it you are ALLOWING him to jerk you. Please just stay away. At all costs.

 

And don't fixate on "he lied"(i agree that he didn't set out to lie - he might have believed it in the beginning but later just used it as sweet talk or to keep you talking to him) - fixate on this guy is just the opposite of right for you. You are moving on.

[learning112]

It hurts when he claims he only told me he wanted to be in a long distance relationship after I was upset at him before, & it made him super depressed & he didn't want to lose me. He refers to that as a "moment of weakness." Except for weeks afterward he kept claiming he'd tell his parents & had zero plans to date anyone else! He didn't just say it 1 single day, he kept up with it even after I left & he had time on his own to think! I don't understand what would motivate someone to behave like this. Ever.