ballerinababe Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Good job! You told him the right thing. It's good you've seen reality now. Just don't let yourself fall back into dreamland. One day you'll look back on this experience and wonder why you were so swept away by this guy. Believe me, I've been there. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 If he ever tries to contact me again, I'm gonna tell him I refuse to just be "friends" because I deserve more than to just be a girl on the side while he Marries someone else- that's really disrespectful- and he should only contact me if he ever wanted to make an actual commitment to me. Link to comment
socalhoney Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 mods, time to lock the thread? Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 he should only contact me if he ever wanted to make an actual commitment to me. I am not sure leaving the door open like that is a good idea... I think you should end this thing once and for all and move on with your life. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 Well, if he were willing to stand up for me publicly, then I'd be with him in a second. Of course, I'm almost positive that will NEVER happen. If I stop talking to him & tell him those are the only circumstances under which I want to hear from him... I'll never hear from him again. So sad, but that's life. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I am happy for you! I am glad that you are seeing the light. I think mailing you the gift so no one has to see what he gave you or that he gave you something is proof in the pudding that he never wants a relationship that people actually know about. I think that not contacting him anymore is a good thing. But don't give him any "in." as in "nd he should only contact me if he ever wanted to make an actual commitment to me" . It is clear that he won't. So you should not give him an opening to tell you "oh but i will...give me time.." You have to slam this door and lock it shut and go out and date men who are available - even if they decide you are not the one and you part ways, they are actually people who are looking for an in public relationship and its just a matter of finding the right girl for them, mods, time to lock the thread? Why? everyone is being civil. I think this will draw a natural conclusion on its own Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Well, if he were willing to stand up for me publicly, then I'd be with him in a second. Of course, I'm almost positive that will NEVER happen. If I stop talking to him & tell him those are the only circumstances under which I want to hear from him... I'll never hear from him again. So sad, but that's life. yeah, it is sad. Also, I just cannot understand how these type of guys get such opportunities. If some time in the future you meet another Indian guy that you like what would you do? I feel something like the below is bound to happen Link to comment
socalhoney Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Why? everyone is being civil. I think this will draw a natural conclusion on its own I know, but given learning112's history I cringe every time I see a new post from her Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 If he ever tries to contact me again, I'm gonna tell him I refuse to just be "friends" because I deserve more than to just be a girl on the side while he Marries someone else- that's really disrespectful- and he should only contact me if he ever wanted to make an actual commitment to me. That's the right attitude! Glad you came to this conclusion. Now you can move on and find someone who really wants you and only you. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 That's the right attitude! Glad you came to this conclusion. Now you can move on and find someone who really wants you and only you. I agree. Now stick to it. The real test is when he tries to contact you again - and if you stand strong. I would definitely take precautionary measures by deleting him from your social networking, and setting his number on your phone so it is either blocked or goes right to voicemail. That will help in your healing. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 I'm doing fine with No Contact. But I still struggle to understand. If he broke up w/me the first time & that was the end of it, fine. But it was only a few weeks back that he said I'm the love of his life and he wants to have a long distance relationship. It has messed me up so badly that he led me on like that, then broke up with me again, but still came to my birthday and then mailed me a bday gift. If he loved me, he'd stop whining that things are difficult for us and start sacrificing something or trying harder to make it work. I don't want to never talk to him again -- but I don't see an alternative if he's not going to budge Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 Also, even in the midst of "breaking up" he has always said, "I can't live without you in my life..." One time I blew him off for 3 days and he literally came to find me in person because "I just can't stand to be without you." If he cannot have his cake and eat it too - if the only way for me to ever talk to him again is for him to stand up to his family - then i just don't know what he'll choose. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 But it was only a few weeks back that he said I'm the love of his life Again? learning112 you really need to let that 'love of his love' thing go. It is seriously messing your head (and heart). You need to stick to No Contact no matter what. Consider this episode of your life as over. Finito! I understand that it must hurt you a lot but honestly this is the right thing to do. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 This is not the right thing for me. I don't know where he got the idea that completely abandoning me when we're both in love is the best thing!! I have to make him see that! Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 I think you should see a counselor. Link to comment
hodgeheg Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 No, this is not worth waiting for. There is nothing to wait for. End of story. I feel really sorry for those people who have repeatedly put time and effort into giving you advice which you blatantly ignore. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 This is not the right thing for me. I don't know where he got the idea that completely abandoning me when we're both in love is the best thing!! I have to make him see that! I second the "see a professional" recommendation. You seem to be coming unhinged. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 I second the "see a professional" recommendation. You seem to be coming unhinged. +1 I really think it will help you learning112 to seek professional counseling. You seem to be deeply affected by this... and I have to say that I am really surprised because you were involved with this guy for just 6 months. Its not that long of time to be feeling the way you are now. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Learning, the reason he hung on is because even though he broke up with you, you were willing to give him your time and attention periodically even if you were just over the phone or messaging. He also might have been confused himself, too. There is no, unfortunately, pat answer as to "why" someone does something sometimes. The important thing now is to just continue No contact. You will wrestle with a lot of questions perhaps and that is normal, but sometimes half the reason someone is erratic or treats us in a way that confuses us is because we allow it - we continue to entertain them. Good for you with sticking no contact. the longer you are no contact (hopefully forever) the more clear things will be or the more ready you are to say "whatever - i deserve better - what did i ever see in that guy?" and be happy. We all have first loves, maybe second loves, etc, and we cut our teeth on those experiences in eventually meeting someone who is here to stay. So - your confusion is a normal part of healing. Just take a deep breath and keep on not contacting him. You don't need him for validation Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 My best friend is currently life-threateningly sick, and in 1 month a guy I love went from saying he's in love with me & wants to have a relationship, to saying whoops never mind again. Obviously I'm "unhinged" He insists on wanting to be my best friend for life. So he thinks it won't hurt MORE if we break up & stay close & then I watch him marry someone else & have a family with someone else & I'm second fiddle always? How could anyone seriously think that? He thinks this is "doing what's best for me"?!!! Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 He insists on wanting to be my best friend for life. So he thinks it won't hurt MORE if we break up & stay close & then I watch him marry someone else & have a family with someone else & I'm second fiddle always? How could anyone seriously think that? He thinks this is "doing what's best for me"?!!! You don't have to dance to this guy's tunes. He is just playing you around like a toy. Cut him off completely. No need to be friends with him. Even if you choose to be friends with him, his Indian wife will not like it and he will eventually cut the friendship as well. I am telling you beforehand. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 If he weren't selfish & actually cared about my best interest then he wouldn't suggest that right? Because why would he want to watch me get hurt by hanging around in the hidden background Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 If he weren't selfish & actually cared about my best interest then he wouldn't suggest that right? Because why would he want to watch me get hurt by hanging around in the hidden background He IS selfish! We already told you that many times. He doesn't care about how that situation would hurt YOU. He is only looking after his own best interests. Where did you meet this guy anyway? He seems like a real jerk. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 If he weren't selfish & actually cared about my best interest then he wouldn't suggest that right? Because why would he want to watch me get hurt by hanging around in the hidden background The only one who can properly care for your best interest is YOU. He is only going to do what he wants and is not going to do something noble against his interests to benefit yours. He benefited by keeping you on a string to be able to talk to you, etc. It was not healthy for you. It makes sense now knowing about your friend. It was hard to understand how you could be so wrapped up in a guy you've only known about 6 months or so - that you were very ready to throw all your best interests aside because your emotions were running high for other reasons. I do suggest you do see a counselor to talk about what is going on. Having a very ill friend like that when we are quite young sometimes is the first brush we have with the idea of our own mortality and it can be quite an awful experience. I am hoping your friend pulls through but when we have an experience in our teens, first part of our 20s, like that, it can very well shake things. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 Even if you choose to be friends with him, his Indian wife will not like it and he will eventually cut the friendship as well. Agree. As she should. I bet he would lie & sneak around to keep me hidden from her, too. I just don't know what it is about me that he refuses so much to let go of. To the point that once, when I didn't talk to him for 3 days, he literally came to "find me" when he knew I'd be playing in a local concert, because "I just had to be around you, I can't ever have things bad between us." And that's the guy who thinks he'll marry someone else, even though it means I will (continue) No Contact forever as a result? Link to comment
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