Do you think this is worth waiting for?

[learning112]

I think you're right & there's not much I can actually do other than date others , give him space, and maybe in Time see if he develops any clarity? I just don't know how u can feel strongly about telling someone they're the love of your life and ultimately want to let them go once career is more sorted out.

[SilverFactory]

I think you're right & there's not much I can actually do other than date others , give him space, and maybe in Time see if he develops any clarity? I just don't know how u can feel strongly about telling someone they're the love of your life and ultimately want to let them go once career is more sorted out.

 

you should probably let go of that "love of your life" thing. you have been repeating it again and again so many times!

 

I am very sure he didn't mean it the way you are interpreting it. He is a guy that has never dated any woman before in his life. He has also never had sex in his life before. He just spouted it to you and you are clinging on to it.

 

Will any sane guy tell the woman he is dating "oh honey you are the love of my life" and then immediately turn around and say "ok now please go ahead and date other men"??

 

Also, the whole 'sorting out my career' is just BS. Sorry for being blunt but I just couldn't help it. He is just dishing out some non-sense and you are naively taking it.

[penelope13]

shouldn't that be a HUGE clue for you that he is not being true to you (or himself) by calling you 'love of his life' on one side and letting you go on the other?

 

People struggle with things such as job and family all the time. However, when you are convinced that you have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you don't take the risk of losing them by sending them away, but you make it work, no matter what. Imagine being married to him and he loses his job (for whatever reason) - is he going to send you away or put you in a cupboard till he finds a new job?

 

The problem (one of the major problems) is that you both seem to have a passive aggressive approach to life and this relationship. Neither wants to take on the responsibility to say 'this is not working'. He is being passive aggressive by being wishy washy with his intentions, claiming one day how much he loves you and then pushing you away on the other side.

 

At the same time you are also being passive about requesting and demanding the proper respect (i.e. him clearly stating what his intentions are) and put the blame for remaining in this suspended state by continuously saying "I didn't push him, HE is the one talking about love". You don't need him to state that he is unable to give you what you want - you can deduct that for yourself - yet you don't seem to want to.

[learning112]

I don't believe he is unable though. His words were "I've never been in a relationship, and I was raised to see things one way, and then I fell in love with you and everything started changing & now I'm trying but there's so much else going on and I'm so worried about work for the next few months" which is why I've wanted to keep the communication open between us. To me that sounds like a person in process not someoe set in ways.

[penelope13]

The question is not if he is able or not, but is he willing to invest the necessary energy and follow through with actions to make it work with you NOW?

[SilverFactory]

I'm so worried about work for the next few months

 

awesome! he has conveniently bought himself a lot of time.

 

you are not saying what is it that this guy facing at work. then you are also saying he is trying for new job.. its confusing. what exactly is the problem at work that he needs next few months to resolve?

[learning112]

Sorry, it's confusing. The way the hiring season works, if he doesn't get one of the new, much higher-esteemed positions in a few months, he won't be jobless- but it'll be well known by everyone, especially his family whose #1 priority is for him to make them proud with career, that he failed to achieve. And typical effort to make that happen for the next few months- especially given he's kinda behind the game w recent mistakes- is 80 hours a week of stress.

[SilverFactory]

Sorry, it's confusing. The way the hiring season works, if he doesn't get one of the new, much higher-esteemed positions in a few months, he won't be jobless- but it'll be well known by everyone, especially his family whose #1 priority is for him to make them proud with career, that he failed to achieve. And typical effort to make that happen for the next few months- especially given he's kinda behind the game w recent mistakes- is 80 hours a week of stress.

 

So basically he has a job now and is vying for a promotion is it? I don't see how not getting a promotion can cause so much drama. It is not like he will lose his job and thus his visa status and face the fear of leaving the USA. I think that would make his parents worry. Just a promotion doesn't appear to be so significant like the way he is putting it to you.

 

I don't know... It feels like he is giving you excuses. That's all I can say.

[learning112]

Trust me In this specific position/situation/ line of work this is a super big deal. Regardless I see no incentive for him to lie. I'm not around for sex or companionship. No reason to declare to me he doesn't want to date anyone else & I'm the love of his life & right now he just needs to focus On work for a while & would just fail me anyhow. I don't get the point of saying any of those things unless true.

[SilverFactory]

I'm the love of his life

 

 

 

Ok.. why don't you tell what exactly you want to do? you are not listening to what anybody is saying here anyway... so let's see what is your take on this situation.

[learning112]

Ha, knew you'd quote that.

Good question. Here's what I want to do:

1) Date other people now & give them a chance. My ex obv can't be what I need or deserve at this point.

2) At some time in future, IF I still want, contact my ex and just ask if he's had a chance to think over everything clearly - since there's been so much back-and-forth. Tell him I know what I deserve and if I'm truly the love of his life, he'll provide that but if not, he was just lying.

 

3) If he won't provide even after things with the job are sorted out, then he was just lying / leading me on / isn't enough of a man to be what I want anyhow.

[SilverFactory]

1) Date other people now & give them a chance. My ex obv can't be what I need or deserve at this point.

 

Ok sounds like a plan. Just focus on this now.

 

2) At some time in future, IF I still want, contact my ex and just ask if he's had a chance to think over everything clearly - since there's been so much back-and-forth. Tell him I know what I deserve and if I'm truly the love of his life, he'll provide that but if not, he was just lying.

 

I am not sure about this though.... if you meet some one now and get serious I can't see how you will still contact this guy. That would just mean that you are not taking dating other men seriously enough.

[potd2009]

It sounds to me as though you've answered the question with which you started the thread. You do think your ex is worth waiting for, emotionally speaking, despite the significant objective evidence to the contrary. So this is what you've decided to do, even though you might be dating other people, too.... but you're really just waiting to give your ex a chance and see if he comes around. That's your decision, but it is rather pointless to argue with everyone taking the objective view here: this guy is not worth waiting for, he has given you empty words but no actions, and to the extent that he hasn't dumped you altogether already, he is stringing you along with false hope. So you just need to own your decision but accept, honestly, that it's a bit irrational and you are taking a huge emotional risk. You're not the first and won't be the last when it comes to matters of the heart.

[learning112]

True. If I'm not into other men & I keep thinking my ex is the one, then that'll mean I should contact my ex but not while making any sort of commitment to anyone else!

[SilverFactory]

True. If I'm not into other men & I keep thinking my ex is the one, then that'll mean I should contact my ex but not while making any sort of commitment to anyone else!

 

To be honest I don't like this idea. I even hate it.

 

Think about all the guys that you will be going on dates with. Some of them might be excited and be eager to build the steps to a relationship... all the while you on the other hand simply biding time and hoping to contact this guy after he finishes sorting out whatever mess he is in. You are basically using some poor innocent men in the mean time. This is akin to a woman giving out her phone number and then not picking up when the guy calls multiplied by a hundred times.

[learning112]

If someone sweeps me off my feet and impresses me and we click and I think "oh, this is what I've been missing," then I won't be contacting my ex.

[penelope13]

When people are emotionally still heavily invested in someone else, they are usually not able to see the new person in front of them in the proper light. Apart from the fact that the other person might realize that you are not emotionally invested in them.

 

Just read any of the multiple threads here how painful it is and how betrayed people feel when they try to build a relationship with someone just to get dumped because the person is going back to an ex ...

[SilverFactory]

how betrayed people feel when they try to build a relationship with someone just to get dumped because the person is going back to an ex ...

 

This is exactly why I hate the OP's idea.

 

I am just so curious to know how she will feel if a guy took her out on several dates and then dumping her to return back to his ex. How would she feel then? and how should she feel if she knew his plan all along the way was to contact the ex after a while and in the mean time keep going on dates??

[potd2009]

This is exactly why I hate the OP's idea.

 

I am just so curious to know how she will feel if a guy took her out on several dates and then dumping her to return back to his ex. How would she feel then? and how should she feel if she knew his plan all along the way was to contact the ex after a while and in the mean time keep going on dates??

 

I'm half with you guys, but only half. It sucks when you're excited about someone new and they go back to an ex...but how is this different than going out on several dates with someone with whom you're not exclusive and having them choose to pursue a relationship with someone else they were seeing at the same time as you? The latter scenario is fair game and happens all the time. The bottom line is that if you don't have an exclusive commitment to someone, you're entitled to be dating...including to be dating people who aren't necessarily (yet) your first choice, whether because your first choice is your ex or someone else you are non-exclusively seeing. This is because your first choice may change as you get to know everyone involved better. As long as you're open to that, you're fair game for the dating market.

[SilverFactory]

I'm half with you guys, but only half. It sucks when you're excited about someone new and they go back to an ex...but how is this different than going out on several dates with someone with whom you're not exclusive and having them choose to pursue a relationship with someone else they were seeing at the same time as you? The latter scenario is fair game and happens all the time. The bottom line is that if you don't have an exclusive commitment to someone, you're entitled to be dating...including to be dating people who aren't necessarily (yet) your first choice, whether because your first choice is your ex or someone else you are non-exclusively seeing. This is because your first choice may change as you get to know everyone involved better. As long as you're open to that, you're fair game for the dating market.

 

Then we shouldn't blame this guy for dating the OP knowing that his family will never accept her and will get him into an Arranged Marriage with an Indian woman. He is also not doing anything wrong by this logic.

[potd2009]

Then we shouldn't blame this guy for dating the OP knowing that his family will never accept her and will get him into an Arranged Marriage with an Indian woman. He is also not doing anything wrong by this logic.

 

That doesn't follow at all. The two of them were in an exclusive relationship, and the reason he is not willing to pursue it is due to her ethnicity. His prejudices (or willingness to kowtow to his family's prejudices) are wholly unrelated to my thoughts about the ethics of non-exclusively going on a few dates with people who aren't yet your first choice.

[SilverFactory]

That doesn't follow at all. The two of them were in an exclusive relationship, and the reason he is not willing to pursue it is due to her ethnicity. His prejudices (or willingness to kowtow to his family's prejudices) are wholly unrelated to my thoughts about the ethics of non-exclusively going on a few dates with people who aren't yet your first choice.

 

I don't think they were or are in an exclusive relationship. Remember? he asked her to go and date other men. Which man that is in an exclusive relationship will ask his girlfriend to go and date other guys? I know I won't for sure.

[potd2009]

Oh, I might have misinterpreted: I thought that before he broke things off with her, they were dating exclusively (partly because of the love of his life/references to discontinuing sex, and partly because she said he had broken up with her, which I interpreted as the end of a relationship rather than a non-exclusive dating situation). Perhaps I misunderstood.

 

As for his behavior now, I'm not so sure it's all that bad. It's his past behavior that was bad. Now, he's being fairly clear, apart from the unfortunate "love of my life" comment (which I think was intended to acknowledge that she has had a significant impact on him...just not enough for him to be willing to make an effort/changes/sacrifices at this point.) Other than that, he's said: (1) they're broken up; (2) she should date other people and not wait for him; (3) he's not willing to tell his family about her at this point in time. That's pretty clearcut. The thing I'm condemning when it comes to him is his acquiescing in his family's prejudices and having messed with the OP's feelings first, at a time when he had no openness to ending up in an exclusive, committed relationship with her. And that's a pretty different thing than OP or another non-exclusive dater going out with someone whom they're open to really liking and becoming exclusive with...even if they still have someone else on their mind.

[socalhoney]

This is because your first choice may change as you get to know everyone involved better.

 

Then we shouldn't blame this guy for dating the OP knowing that his family will never accept her and will get him into an Arranged Marriage with an Indian woman. He is also not doing anything wrong by this logic.

 

Your logic is flawed Redwood

[SilverFactory]

Your logic is flawed Redwood

 

yeah, it could be.

 

I don't know... I was just looking out for the OP. I just don't have a good feeling and worried she might get hurt and end up bitter about Indian men.