Do you think this is worth waiting for?

[abitbroken]

My point is - his parents will most likely say NO. Because that is what they said before and that is why he is hiding her from them and the reason for this drama. If his parents say NO then its game over. If they say YES then of course he immediately needs to introduce her to his family.

 

Honestly, I am hating this guy this so much now. Some years down the lane if the OP meets another Indian guy that actually wants to be with her I am sure she will reject him because of what this guy did to her.

 

I guess I missed the part 3 threads ago where they told him a definite "no" versus him assuming. if they say no and he is going along with it, you betcha you should leave. Tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out.

[SilverFactory]

I guess I missed the part 3 threads ago where they told him a definite "no" versus him assuming. if they say no and he is going along with it, you betcha you should leave. Tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out.

 

This is her very first post. Note the bolded parts.

 

I’m white and I live in California. I’m dating a guy who’s originally from India (4 months). His parents live near us, but he hasn’t introduced me. I asked why. He said his parents think they get to arrange a marriage for him, & so he can’t tell them he has a girlfriend until right before he’s about to get married. Meaning, we have to keep our relationship secret in the meantime so they don’t find out. I've never heard of something like this, and if he wants to keep us secret from them now, why would I think he'd ever change that later? (Note: we've had multiple serious convos where we've established we are exclusive, that I wouldn't continue seeing him if he wasn't at least considering something long term because I don't want just casual dating at this point in my life... etc)

 

I’ve also noticed he’s pretty private about us in general. Likes to take me out on proper dates instead of just hang out at my place late -- he says he doesn't want to disturb my sister by being over late at night. Seems reluctant to hang out with my family also at this point, even though he'd be welcome. I’m trying to understand the situation and the cultural differences here, and I was hoping someone might be able to help me. Thank you.

 

[learning112]

I guess I missed the part 3 threads ago where they told him a definite "no" versus him assuming.

 

 

I don't know exactly what their conversation was, I'm just guessing he thinks they might accept me eventually now-- because otherwise, there's no reason for him to want to "see how things go" between us long distance. I understand stringing someone along so you have someone to sleep with, spend time with, go on dates with. But I'm not providing any of that so I just see no other reason for this behavior than, he is trying to bring up the courage to introduce me and have me accepted because he really cares that much.

[SilverFactory]

there's no reason for him to want to "see how things go" between us long distance

 

How else is he going to pass time until he gets married to an Indian woman?

 

and when that happens please don't blame him or any one else because you were warned all along.

[penelope13]

Just having someone pine over you regardless if you see them is an ego booster for some people. why deprive oneself of it it the other person requires so little to keep giving this to you?

 

whatever people say to you, you respond: oh well, I think he wouldn't do xyz if he wasn't truly interested in me ... regardless of his actions.

 

have it your way. it's your emotions and your life to gamble with.

[SilverFactory]

Just having someone pine over you regardless if you see them is an ego booster for some people. why deprive oneself of it it the other person requires so little to keep giving this to you?

 

Very true!

 

Especially for a guy like him that has never had a relationship before.

[learning112]

OK fine. I'll tell him that if he cares enough & actually sees long term potential with me then he'll tell his parents. And If he can't do that then he can't expect me to wait around anymore.

[SilverFactory]

OK fine. I'll tell him that if he cares enough & actually sees long term potential with me then he'll tell his parents. And If he can't do that then he can't expect me to wait around anymore.

 

don't do anything because/for us.

 

do it for YOU. its YOUR life.

[luvstruk]

I understand stringing someone along so you have someone to sleep with, spend time with, go on dates with. But I'm not providing any of that so I just see no other reason for this behavior than, he is trying to bring up the courage to introduce me and have me accepted because he really cares that much.

 

The connection you two have may be reward enough for him at this point. Someone posted here recently that men seek 3 things from women: sex, companionship, and someone to be nice to them. Assuming that's true (I'm sure it's not a complete list), he is getting 2 out of 3 from you now, even if the companionship is virtual.

[learning112]

Everyone would want those 3 things from their partner. it's just a queestion of whether this guy considers me irreplaceable enough to actually sacrifice and deal with family turmoil on my behalf.

[luvstruk]

I was trying to show how he would have reason to "string you along" even if he is not currently getting sex or dates from you.

 

I suspect if he is "stringing you along' he is not doing it intentionally to hurt you, but rather he is deceiving himself into believing you have a future so that he does not lose you. Or he may be totally sincere and is planning on facing family turmoil head on. It's up to you to force the issue.

[learning112]

I came home, his work stress reached a breaking point- he made multiple mistakes that almost could jeopardize his chance of getting any new job anywhere this fall. He wanted to go out one night & sounded all happy to see me. 15 minutes into the night he starts freaking out about failing at work & said he needs space for now to focus on not ruining his career & also he just doesn't know how we can do long distance & also his family would make life so difficult for me. I started telling him he was selfish for Stringing me along all this time. He said "I love you. Youre the love of my life. I just need time to get all my failures under control & I don't want you waiting around for me alone in a strange city in the meantime so you should date others and If we're meant to be we will."

[potd2009]

So you have your answer. Not only is he far from being ready to talk to his parents about you, he's not even prepared to offer companionship and a "secret" LDR right now. I'm sorry - I wish it could have been different for you. At least you have the benefit of being far away from him and now, the clarity of knowing that you have to start moving on.

[learning112]

I'm not Going to move On! He admits himSelf that I'm the love of his life. There's no reason I would move on instead of waiting for him to work trough the horrible life altering stress he's currently under. A lot of people freak out & become unable to handle a relationship when other parts of life are currently unraveling, especially someone who's never had a relationship before. I can't just let him go like this when I know I'm the love of his life.

[penelope13]

He tells you that he is NOT interested in maintaining the (whatever kind of) relationship and you focus on the words "love of my life".

 

Words are cheap. He is not giving you any actions to support that you are the driving motivation for him to improve his life.

 

Instead he says: go have your own life.

 

 

I understand that people have challenges in life and yes, some developments one must undergo before being able to enter and maintain a healthy relationship. However, if you were the 'love of his life' and his intention was to turn around his life for a future WITH you - he would state and act accordingly.

 

Please don't fall for cheap words and pine for someone who is clearly not invested in you.

[potd2009]

...that would be the other way to handle it, yes.

 

I suspect that in a few years time, when you've seen your friends and/or yourself have relationships with the "loves of your lives," end those relationships, and move on, you will learn to treat that phrase with a little less import...particularly when it's in no way matched by the actions of the person who is using the phrase.

[learning112]

I look into his eyes & the Way he cried & I'll always believe him. 6 months after our original breakup there he was, kissing me & telling me he couldn't live without me & wanted to try again. He's coming around just slowly & it takes a lot of patience & I'm not sure the best way to facilitate the process.

[itsallgrand]

I think this guy is becoming an obsession for you, learning112.

 

There is nothing here to wait for. And he's even told you straight out "do not wait. date others."

 

You are obsessed with this idea that he is the love of your life. Imagine for a minute he isn't. Would that change how you look at things?

 

What you are doing isn't healthy, IMO.

[penelope13]

I feel very sorry and sad on your behalf, because you seem to have so little self esteem that you are literally choosing to ignore any and all warning signs and falling for his smooth talking.

 

Would you consider dating others and focusing on making a life for your own while he is off to do whatever? If in the far distance future he indeed (as unlikely as it may be) were to knock on your door to ask for a second chance - THAT is the moment you can consider it. Maybe THEN you want to try again. But maybe you are happy with someone else and a different life and you are not even interested in him anymore.

 

You can safely assume that it will take him YEARS to sort out his life (he made that pretty clear). Don't waste that waiting for him when he can't guarantee you that it is you he will want at the end.

 

It's only in novels that it sounds noble for someone to wait for years and years on end for love. And usually there is a guarantee that there will be no others for the 2 people in question (it's a novel after all, not real life).

 

I know that imagining yourself to be the tragic heroine in a novel, looking at he horizon, wondering where your loved one is, on some 'noble quest' may give you some sense of accomplishment and purpose in life. However, I am sure, if you would put your energy and attention on something else you would find fullfillment in something (or even someone) else.

 

Please try to get back to reality: you are going to be by yourself. you need to venture through life's challenges by yourself. You will not get any kind of support or input from him. So start accepting this in your mind and start separating your emotions and dreams from him.

[RitaHayworth]

I don´t know which culture your guy is from, but my boyfriend comes from former Jugoslavia (Bosnia Hercegovina) to be more precise, his parents had many prejudiced opinions about me before I even met them! They even told him that he should go for a younger bosnian or turkish girl - eventhough he and I had been together for half a year. They also badmouted me and claimed I probably had many partners before him - eventhough he was the one that I lost my virginity to.

 

No offence, but if he is from Middle Eastern/Pakistan/Somalia/Bosnia the cultures are sort of barbaric and you can´t expect his parents to accept you if you are not of same ethnicity of culture. Unless his parents are very educated and don´t come from the country side you shouldn´t be worried but as I said be careful. However, if he is much younger than you and he has years to finish his degree don´t expect him to do anything but waste your time and string you along. Also check if his parents are divorced or if they are a happy family.

 

PS: NOT worth waiting for.

[learning112]

Reality is that he has always provided total support and said he loved me through all of this. Last night he looked into my eyes crying and told me all the reasons I'm incredible and why I'm the love of his life. Just last night, so of course I believe that the feelings are real & he's scared with the career turmoil standing in his way of competently dealing with anything else now

[learning112]

Now he's telling me that he's so sorry but just overwhelmed with work pressure $ can't be in a relationship right NOW (instead of ever). And that he just didn't want to make me think things would be easy for us. ????

[SilverFactory]

why I'm the love of his life

 

I will tell you why you are the love of his life. It is because you are the only woman he has dated, had sex with, and been in a relationship. That is why he is telling you are the love of his life. If this guy had dated many women in the past but found you to be the most adorable one among all and said you are the love of his life then it would make sense and you can feel so special like you are feeling now. But if you are the only one that he has dated then....

 

He himself has told you to go and date other people so why are you ignoring that? will any guy ask the love of his life to go and date other men?

[SilverFactory]

also his family would make life so difficult for me

 

I completely missed this.

 

That's it, right there!

 

He has given you the answer already. No need for him to go and talk to his parents about dating a non-Indian woman and ask if they would be ok with it. He is saying to you very clearly that his family will cause you anguish.

 

If I were you I would leave right now... walk away and heal yourself.

[learning112]

Yes, he's saying "I just don't want you to think things will be easy between us," and that he's going thru a very stressful time in life, but also that I'm the love of his life & he's said clearly that he has no plans to date others and it's constantly clear that he really cares.